


The Gallery

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band), Wonho - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Art, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, Coping, Crimes & Criminals, Darkness, Deep metaphorical mind travel, Empty canvass, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, HyungWonho - Freeform, Intimacy, Japanese Rope Bondage, Kinda, M/M, Relationship based on complicated autobiographical events, Sea-longing, Smut, Spain, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This story is intense in all kinds of ways, This story shows how hard it can be to escape a loneliness that is so ineherently yours, Top Lee Hoseok | Wonho, VS, mention of trauma, ropes, that you forgot that it can be any other way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:13:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 182,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24732901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: Is it possible to trust somebody you don't trust?How can you love someone if you don't love anything about yourself? How can being with a person make you want to live if you don't want to?Connected by a red string of fate, suddenly an empty canvas isn't blank, and the darkness doesn't mean there's nothing underneath.We supported the #BlackLivesMatter movement with 250$ and encourage you to donate and support otherwise if you are able to.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho
Comments: 53
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: **THE GALLERY**. We really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals with self-hate and certain character traits that are so deeply rooted that they can't be changed. It's a very exciting and deep story and we are very proud of it.  
> The Gallery is already written and published and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
> If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Write us a brief dm so we can accept your follow. We decline if we don't get a dm.)  
> [INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to take something precious with you.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> Hichanchen writes Hyungwon, All those other people Hyungwon meets  
> SMUTSIS_maria writes Hoseok and Hyunwoo  
> As always a special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie who are medical care workers and gave a lot of important input and to Angie, who is the first person to read it who inspired us to write it and drew a gorgeous cover for it.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful for every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly, it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story on the way after this one, so stay tuned.)

**CHAPTER 1**

The mind was a gallery and reality was just one of the pictures hanging on the wall in the corner that one stopped at because breathing felt a bit easier in that particular place.

His reality was painted on a bright canvas, depicting a yellow historical building in one of the quieter streets of Madrid’s historical city centre. Away from the tourists that crowded the plazas at this time of the year and not far enough to be immediately noticed by the neighbours. He passed by a tourist couple that spoke English with an American accent, complaining about flights back to San Francisco and quickly opened the door to the building, lifting the door a bit to make the key turn easier before disappearing into the pleasantly cool staircase, leaving the sunny thirty degrees outside.

_Did you eat?_

He gave himself five seconds to remember eating an apple while staring outside at the crow that liked the nuts that he occasionally threw out because he liked the bird coming to his window. After another five he recalled the rustling sound of a package he ripped open that probably contained something sweet. It was afternoon, so it seemed okay, but he should drink.

_Drinking is harder because you need to do it more often._

Counting the stairs on his way to the second floor, he only lifted his gaze when he reached sixty and saw the door with the scraped off paint that seemed like the result of a natural ageing process, but he was pretty sure that it had been done on purpose to make the apartment look vintage. He hadn’t needed any of it, but the company that had rented it to him didn’t know what he wanted to use it for, so they had tried to make it as attractive as possible.

Walking through the spacious and mostly empty rooms - apart from various canvas stands, paint and a few cupboards - had changed his breathing pattern and he got ready, taking off his clothes in front of the closed curtains that let in enough light to illuminate the space but hide him and the interior from the curious eyes of the people who lived across from him. The smell of paint was exciting but at the same time the noises from outside seemed to fade out when he pulled the old black t-shirt over his head, pushing his arms through the short sleeves.

Glancing at his completely tattooed hands, he decided against gloves because he hated the feeling of having something between him and the brush and the tattoos hid the fact that he got black paint on his skin that he didn’t bother to scrub off.

_Sometimes you scrub, but it doesn’t go away._

The long brush felt familiar in his fingers, light, but also heavy somehow and he glanced at the white canvas. He hated white. It was like the emptiness was laughing at him because he had wanted to feel empty at least once, but he was in the gallery, looking at pictures no matter if he wanted to or not, or maybe he did want it. Maybe he was the one who forced himself to stay there.

_Which one will it be this time?_

This time he let the feeling torture him a bit longer until his hands shook badly, and his ears couldn't take in any sound apart from the buzzing of his thoughts. He opened the red paint, simply dipping both hands into it and hitting them flat against the canvas, leaving two blood red handprints. Red colour was all he could see. All he could breathe, and feel was blood and the rough almost painful rubbing of the canvas against his skin when he slid both palms down the surface until they fell, and he fell too.

_How much time has passed?_

There was no way to know and he stared at the red on his hands that started looking like paint again. He needed to wash his hands because it was always harder to get rid of the paint if he left it on his skin too long but judging by the dryness it was too late already.

Lifting his gaze, he observed the handprints, followed their path, to the point where his hands disconnected from the canvas.

_Darkness doesn’t mean that there’s nothing underneath, does it?_

Smiling briefly he took the brush he had intended to use and dipped it into his favourite palette, first black, then grey, blue and dark violet, covering the handprints with a thick layer of dark paint, abstract strokes, reminiscent of the time between night and dawn.

_Your favourite. And your least favourite._

He needed a moment when he reached the point where his brush danced over the last drop of red, covering it and he realized that he hadn’t been breathing, hands shaking while holding the tool. Looking at the red paint on his palm had been enough to calm him down though. There was still something underneath.

His thoughts went around the gallery, sometimes stopping at the paintings that made him uncomfortable, but he still felt the need to look at them, force himself to look at them, feel them, shake and turn away, stroke after stroke as the brush danced over the canvas and left nothing of the white, nothing at all.

_Darkness doesn’t mean that it’s empty._

It wasn’t, just like his head wasn’t and he undressed again to relieve the tingling feeling in his lower back and arms, laying on the warm parquet floor without any fabric against his skin and only the burning spot on the wood that was warmed up by the sun for so long that it got painful. It was distracting, and he liked it. Did he really?

The burning pain faded slowly, and his eyes settled on the big canvas across from him that stared back at him like a reflection in the mirror, like something that he tried to forget but at the same time… at the same time, he asked himself whether he had always been like this. Did it matter? Why did it matter if he received an email that they needed this, that this painting was a perfect continuation, such a valuable addition to a random exhibition, a statement he never made and part of something, anything that had absolutely nothing to do with him?

Pressing his cheek against the warmed-up floor, he searched for a spot that was the warmest and closed his eyes. It smelled like paint and wood and he liked it so much, just like the perfect lack of noise that his head gifted him with, the absolute silence, the lack of fabric against his skin, the darkness that he saw when he closed his eyes, just one thing threw him off and as usual he knew what the problem was.

_It’s you._

He sighed, but kept his face pressed against the warm floor, waiting until the temperature adjusted and didn’t give him the desired outcome. Slowly, he sat up, gradually opened his eyes and looked at the canvas that he had just painted.

He hated it.

It was nothing dramatic, he was used to it, he also knew that he shouldn’t take the brush and try to correct anything because he always ended up ripping it or painting it all black. Black on everything, just that it never covered it enough. Never.

_It’s enough._

Sighing, he slowly walked towards the pile of clothes next to a wooden cupboard and got dressed, observing the colours that looked pale and unreal through the thick fabric of his curtains. The sun was setting, probably as beautiful as always and he was here, staring at the parquet floors and trying to use his broken mind to imagine how it looked in real life, how it felt in real life, how it should have made him feel.

_Empty?_

Throwing one last glance at the canvas, he shook his head and left the apartment, meeting a delivery man on the stairs. The guy was telling him something about paint and he replied to just give it to him because he didn’t want to enter the rooms anymore. Placing a signature on some paper, Hoseok took the package with one arm and walked down the stairs, followed by the delivery man who commented something he didn't hear, but it didn't matter either.

_Didn’t you want to drink?_

Right.

***

The mind was a mystery and his reality consisted of trying to figure it out, preferably quickly.

_Especially this mind._

The dark-red coloured carpet under his leather shoes had been chosen wisely, eating up every possible sound and leaving the calm - and sometimes affected - breaths of the patrons that admired the paintings on the walls. Only the tremor detectors that occupied a corner in each exhibition hall added urgency to the atmosphere by their constant buzzing and reminded him of the reason he came.

It was late afternoon and not many people had time to spare on a Monday to visit an exhibition and Hyungwon was more than thankful for that fact. The only people in the first hall had been an elderly couple and a few art students who attempted to draw the only sculpture in the exhibition. It was an obviously European lady with a fruit basket on her head, wearing tribal attire which was a rather unusual motif for a modern piece.

_Cultural appropriation at its finest._

He hadn't stayed long enough to figure out whether the students were of the same opinion and moved past a collection of landscape oil paintings and pencil sketches, all the way to one of the last rooms of the exhibition.

Hyungwon had made sure that this time the painting he was interested in was located at the very end, a hall that most visitors were already too tired to spend a lot of time in, especially shortly before closing time.

_But you underestimated his popularity._

A couple stood in front of a medium sized canvas, just big enough to reveal its edges behind the two people examining it intently. When Hyungwon stepped closer he could see that the woman was crying and barely contained the urge to take a picture, aware that he didn't have the time to ask for consent this time around. Maybe there would be more opportunities like this one.

_She must have grasped the essence, unlike most._

Minutes passed but the couple didn't show any desire to move away. Only when Hyungwon stepped close enough to be seen and smiled briefly. The man then tapped his partner on the shoulder and she nodded before drying her tears with a light blue tissue. It was an emotional sight and once again he regretted that he didn't take a picture.

When all the colours revealed themselves one by one in front of him, Hyungwon couldn't help the way his eyes widened in amazement.

_Stunning._

The palette was dark, mostly black, blue and violet with some grey in between, but the interesting part was the combination. It was abstract as usual, and he couldn't help thinking that the artist had wanted people to see whatever they felt like, something that bothered them, a feeling. He was bothered by the truth, so he looked closer.

The effect was an utterly different one in person, more intense and immediate. A printed version required a longer glance but like this, the tugging in his chest was immediate and he felt the urge to lean in and smell the dried paint to find out if it could tell him even more.

_But you're not here to smell it._

He sighed softly and glanced around. The guard who made sure that nobody touched the works of art switched between being bored out of his mind and reminding a middle-aged man to please keep his distance despite his bad eyesight. There was no need for him to care about Hyungwon in the last room, a decently dressed young man who seemed versed in the ways of art and knew how to keep his distance.

_That's good enough._

It had to be as Hyungwon took out a tiny plastic bag, just the length of his fingertip to the first joint. He didn't hesitate to take out the small scraper he had hidden in his right pocket before stepping closer than the permitted 60 centimetres and holding his breath. Nobody was watching, not yet.

_Be quick._

His heart was playing the drum solo from Deep Purple's 'The Mule' as he found an inconspicuous spot of pitch black and scratched over it with his scraper, causing a tiny chunk of paint to fall into his plastic bag. As soon as he had what he came for, he stepped back and hid away the proof of his crime in his pocket.

His gaze was calm and fascinated as another person entered the room, somebody who was just as interested in the painting in front of him as he was. Feeling the weight of what he just did, Hyungwon's gaze roamed over the dark paint, looking for the spot he scraped over but not expecting to find it. Only that he did.

Instead of pitch-black paint that was supposed to cover the canvas in thick strokes and without interruptions there was a small blood-red patch. It looked like a brush stroke because of the way Hyungwon had used the scraper and to an untrained eye it might have looked purposeful.

_Only that it wasn't._

The young man behind him wouldn't be able to tell that something had been changed, but the artist was going to. If the painting went back to Ok Seho there was no way of hiding that a layer of black paint was gone.

It wasn't major enough to worry him, especially since nobody had seen him do it, but Hyungwon enjoyed the associated adrenaline for a little longer.

_You changed his art and uncovered something that nobody else had._

Pretending to be an admirer like any other, he took out his camera and photographed the black edge that had turned into a blood red line instead. Somehow, as soon as Hyungwon found the answer to one question, another constantly found its way into his mind.

_How did all these people stare at his works all day and miss that there were different colours underneath?_

Luckily Hyungwon wasn't one to miss a thing and now wasn't the time to start. He was going to get everything there was to get and lay it out in front of him like a beautifully solved puzzle.

He was greedy like that.

_

Leaning back against the backseat of the cab, Hyungwon smiled from the excitement bubbling in his chest. The comfortable leather seats were a luxury that he allowed himself, skipping out on public transport after a tiring train ride. At first glance the houses and squares in Madrid were like those in Barcelona and therefore similar to what he knew, but the longer he observed the streets that passed by the window, the more obvious the difference became.

_The architecture is different and you're already missing Gaudi's work._

Hyungwon wasn't particularly patriotic, but he did love Barcelona's beaches and the gorgeous buildings. However, a single glance around was sufficient to tell that Madrid had far fewer tourists compared to his home city. Less tourists meant cheaper food and that had his ultimate approval.

_Although the tourists have gotten fewer over the past few weeks with everybody panicking, even in Barcelona._

Hyungwon sighed and focused on the tiny plastic bag with a chunk of black paint inside of it. The rustling sounded pleasant and the bag itself felt good in his fist. There was no need to keep it anymore, not after finding the address that his cab was heading towards, but he liked to document the development of his research and thus his stories. It was exciting to lay all his little memories out on his desk at home and see how he had achieved his goal in the end.

"We have arrived," the cab driver remarked as he stopped in front of a rather inconspicuous industrial building without any apparent signage. Somehow Hyungwon had expected something bigger for a paint company that had their own paint composition and took private orders.

_It's your perfect lead._

He had gotten much luckier than anticipated with his chunk of paint, identifying the only company that could have produced it and travelling all the way to Madrid to find out more.

"Thank you," he replied as he handed the driver the money plus tip and climbed out of the cab with his backpack and nothing else. He didn't know how long he had to stay in the city, but there were washing machines in hotels for emergencies and Hyungwon had learned over time that it was always better to keep personal belongings to a minimum.

_You're much more mobile like this._

Putting on an expression that was an effective mixture of friendly and genuinely interested, he made his way into the building and did what he did best - gather information.

The first half an hour was mostly a waste of time even if it might have been interesting for somebody else. The owner had been ecstatic about somebody coming all the way from Barcelona because of their paint and gave him an unnecessarily detailed introduction to their paint types. When they reached a rather familiar dark palette though, Hyungwon's interest returned in a matter of seconds.

"This palette looks similar to what we were looking for, but how can I ensure the quality? It's important that the paint stays in place for years, it's for works of art after all." He pulled his eyebrows together to show doubt as he examined the ingredients and waited for the elderly man who had a habit of rubbing his hands over the front of his pants to take the bait.

To Hyungwon's disappointment he was given a detailed description of the ingredients even though he could have read them off the back of the buckets. However, his lack of enthusiasm must have been evident as the older man cleared his throat and fumbled with his beard in a nervous gesture that transformed into sudden confidence.

"Well, we have a client that is rather well known in the industry and has been buying our paint for many years. We even have a special mixture just for him, a little quicker to dry because he prefers it that way. I think the fact that he stayed with us for many years speaks for the product, doesn't it?"

_Bingo._

"It does," Hyungwon replied and finally smiled, returning the enthusiasm to his face as he examined the paint once more. "How much of it does he order and how frequently? I'm curious about how quickly those buckets empty out and how many layers are needed for decent coverage."

It was so easy, just as he had expected. The man in front of him got nervous again and told him about the regular deliveries, one that was even supposed to be delivered today. The company had their own delivery service and was therefore especially reliable with their time estimates. Hyungwon didn't care about time frames, but he sure as hell cared about those deliveries.

Ending the conversation was the trickier part, but he managed to convince the older man that his company was going to consider all options and make a decision soon. Timing wasn't quite on his side as one of the delivery men was packing up boxes, only about halfway done.

_But a good deed brings you a long way._

"Need help?" he asked and grabbed one of the boxes and heaved it into the minitruck. The surprise on the delivery man's face told him that nobody ever bothered to help, not even people that should have.

Of course, he was told that there was no need for help, but Hyungwon insisted and after a pleasant conversation he had a ride back into the city with a talkative delivery man.

The front seat was comfortable, and he sank into it while observing the app the other man used to sort the packages. He had a schedule, but only the next one was written down with its complete address. Hyungwon had no way of knowing where that dark palette was going unless he took a glance at that app.

"It says you have another 42 deliveries today. That's just mental," he remarked and received an exhausted nod in return, followed by a brief explanation of how terrible it was that people ordered things online en masse due to the current situation.

"Is every day like that?" he asked next and the delivery guy whose name was Jose sighed out loud and nodded.

_Now comes the bait._

"I heard you deliver a large quantity to this one guy. Do you have to carry them all yourself? That would be heavy. Wouldn’t it?"

"Yeah and the place is on the second floor, it's a historical building too. I wonder what he does with all that paint, I mean, it's expensive and he ordered enough to paint the whole apartment black and even if you're a rich guy, why would you need so much? He might resell it, I guess. He's a bit strange, doesn't talk much. But helps carry the boxes and never lets anybody into the apartment."

_Strange is good and you like challenges, don't you?_

Hyungwon hummed and commented on how exhausting it must be nevertheless and that one could probably make quite a bit of money reselling paint. It was important to show that he listened (which is why he had asked about Jose's dog before) to be able to ask the important questions next. They were almost in the historical city centre and his time was running out.

"Do you have to deliver to him often?" he asked and nonchalantly gestured towards the phone with the app running on it, hoping to have access to it soon.

"Yeah, that's why I'm wondering what he does with all that paint. I've got a load for him in the back, gotta get it to him before four."

_Now don't let him know that you care about the artist._

"Before 4pm? You even have to be so specific about it? Can I look at your schedule? This sounds crazy." He widened his eyes in shock at how exhausting it must be and contained a grin when Jose shrugged and gestured for him to look.

_His name will be on there, Hyungwon. Now you only need to get the right one._

He had a few cues to work with and that meant he had a chance to figure it out before Jose decided to throw him out of his truck. His fingers were quick to grab the device, but not enough to seem suspicious. The timing was good as Jose stopped the truck and went to the back to get the next package as Hyungwon furiously scrolled through the deliveries before quickly identifying the only big delivery in the historical centre. The name caught his attention though and he couldn't figure out why it sounded so familiar.

_Hoseok Lee, huh?_

Jose was back and took the device from him as he hurried into a house to hand over a small box of paint. The name remained on Hyungwon's mind until he finally figured out why it was familiar and why he was so convinced that had to be it.

_He merely switched the letters for his pseudonym. Ok Seho, Hoseok._

"Hey, Jose," he called out as soon as the other man climbed back into the car. "I just saw that you have a delivery for Hoseok Lee. That's a friend of mine from high school! If you like, you can let me out there and I'll just take the boxes along. That way you can save time and won't have to bother."

_He'll be weirded out because you asked about him before._

"Oh wait, is that the guy you said barely talks? Yeah, Hoseok is a quiet one, prefers to paint instead of talk."

"Oh, he paints? I thought he looked more like a model or someone who sells things to get rich," Jose giggled and nodded. "But you'll have to sign for me."

"Sure, no problem at all." Hyungwon thought up a nice fake name while Jose told him about his family and delivered another two packages. When the other man scanned three big boxes and gestured towards Hoseok Lee' s house Hyungwon briefly regretted his decision to carry them into the house instead of Jose.

_But you'll finally see what he looks like._

Signing with a random name he invented, he thanked Jose, wished him success and made his way towards the entrance. The delivery man had called the artist a model and that got him even more curious. Why would someone who painted abstract blackness hide their appearance if they were famous and good looking?

_Better hope that you'll see him behind those boxes._

The front door was closed to keep out the heat and Hyungwon balanced the paint on his thigh to free one hand and press the name 'Lee'. Now that he was this close to seeing what nobody else had, excitement spread throughout his body and made his skin tingle.

_But be careful, you cannot be sure that the person you see will be him._

Unfortunately, he didn't look like a delivery man, but people were rarely attentive enough to care about such things. He expected to be buzzed through, but instead he heard steps quickly approaching before the door opened. First thing that he saw was light blonde hair, hanging into dark eyes, a straight nose and a smile that lasted for only a split second, making him wonder if it had been there in the first place as the person in front of him took two of the boxes.

"You can leave the third one here, I can carry it up later if you are in a hurry," the low voice murmured, before the man turned away, broad back covered in black fabric that didn't have a single paint stain and black linen pants.

_Can't see black paint on black clothes, can you?_

Hyungwon had exactly one second during which he saw the guy's face and that wasn't nearly enough. He couldn't tell if that was the person he was looking for or just somebody who accepted his deliveries. Being good looking wasn't surprising if it was just a helper or a friend of the artist.

_He didn't even realise he'd have to sign or that you are obviously no delivery man._

"I could take the third wherever you are taking those two," he called after the blonde man, hoping to snatch a few more glimpses of his face on the way to wherever the fuck the first two boxes were going.

Apparently up the stairs. Hyungwon had trouble lifting it and even though the guy looked as if he worked out, they were heavy.

It was just like Jose told him, the person didn't look like a painter or however an artist was supposed to look and didn't talk much either. The blonde guy didn't say a single word to be precise until they reached the second floor and he put both boxes next to a white door with scraped off paint.

_Vintage, huh?_

"Tha- nks," the low voice murmured quietly while Hyungwon tried to catch a glimpse of his face but failed because the man was constantly looking down and didn't move for a while before simply collapsing on the floor right in front of him, head hitting against the door.

_Did he just-?_

Hyungwon stood there rooted to the spot like a tree for a few seconds, doing absolutely nothing apart from balancing the remaining box of paint on his hip. He remained utterly useless as he stared at the other man on the ground, limbs limp and tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.

_Did he just faint in front of the apartment door?_

A hint of annoyance made its way onto his facial features as he groaned and put down the heavy box before kneeling on the ground and lifting the other man’s equally heavy head. It could have been a box of paint at this point. The advantage was that he could look at the blonde man’s facial features while trying to figure out if he was the artist he was looking for or just a random dude who helped. A random dude that was buff but utterly useless since he fainted right after carrying up the boxes.

_At least he didn’t faint before._

There was an expression of calm on the pale face, no blush, even though it was hot and a few drops of sweat appeared on his forehead. The guy's lips were a pink color but cracked, as if he didn't take care of them, or didn't drink enough.

_At least he’s not dead._

Examining the interesting features, Hyungwon suddenly understood the benefit of the situation, how perfect it was. It was like in a movie, the ultimate opportunity dropped right into his waiting palms.

_He just fainted, which means it is perfectly justifiable to find the key and open that door before somehow carrying him in there._

Feeling far more cheerful, he began to fumble in the black linen pants until his fingers wrapped around a wad of keys and he left the guy lying on the floor on his way to the vintage-style door. A brief glance revealed that his chest was still rising and falling, so things were good and Hyungwon had just enough time to open that door and figure shit out.

He tried out several keys, the first one was rather modern looking and didn’t fit into the door whereas the fourth he tried could have opened a castle from the size and looks of it. Amused, he pushed open the door and glanced inside, wondering if he had the time to look around before taking care of the man on the floor.

_If he wakes up and you’re running around the apartment he might not give you the info you need._

Sighing, he returned to the unconscious man and tried to figure out how to get him into the apartment and preferably get him a glass of water, much needed judging by those cracked lips of his. When he reached for the blonde man’s right hand and felt its unusually rough surface, Hyungwon paused and lifted it to his face.

_Well, look at that._

The source of the roughness was bordeaux paint, dried along the whole pale palm, looking like dried blood. How Hyungwon hadn’t seen it beforehand, especially with the serial-killer-look, was a mystery.

_Your skills are getting rusty due to physical exhaustion and unexpectedly fainting men._

Grinning, he lifted the palm to his face and inhaled the scent of dried paint, instantly finding himself at the exhibition in Barcelona, leaning in to smell the painting he had removed a chunk of paint from. He thought of all the steps he had taken to find the artist responsible, the man who was lying unconscious in his arms.

_You’re so fucking lucky, Hyungwon._

At this point he had to weigh his options carefully and make sure that his role as a delivery man didn’t interfere with his goal of somehow getting into that apartment. He didn’t want to be remembered as a delivery guy at this point, not when he needed to start a decent conversation.

There wasn’t much time to act, especially since the man in his arms jerked briefly. Taking off his jacket, Hyungwon threw it over the railing and down to the first floor, pretending that it wasn’t his in the first place. Next, he ruffled up his long, black hair and fumbled in his backpack until he found his pair of glasses. He didn’t need them, but they made him look different enough. White shirt, suit pants and glasses.

Crouching behind Hoseok Lee’s head, Hyungwon hooked his arms under the other man’s armpits and tugged him towards the apartment door. His goal was to get far enough to find some water and at the same time be able to take a look around and know what he was dealing with. Maybe even get away with a picture or two.

As soon as he managed to pull the heavy body over the threshold, his excitement increased tenfold. The hallway that he found himself in had no real furniture apart from three coat hooks right next to the door. The ceilings were high due to the old architecture of the building and made the hallway seem even bigger and emptier than it was.

_A little depressing, isn’t it?_

Leaving the unconscious man lying in the hallway, Hyungwon walked deeper into the apartment, counting the doors. There were exactly 4 doors, one of which must have been a bathroom, so the apartment had 3 rooms. The lack of furniture or literally anything else made it seem rather sombre to live in though and he struggled to imagine that this was where the painter lived and worked.

Hyungwon mentally used the excuse that he was looking for water as he opened the first door and found himself in a spacious room with huge windows, almost reaching the floor. However, instead of covering the room in bright sunlight as it should have, the windows were covered by thick, white curtains. There were several canvas-stands and cupboards filled with brushes and paint. A lonely chair stood in the middle and gave at least a basic feeling of a furnished room, even though there was no other furniture. The parquet floor was covered in plastic sheets where the canvas stands were located, protecting it from splashes of paint that were easy to identify.

_But the palette isn’t only dark, is it?_

Moving closer to the first canvas stand, Hyungwon examined the transparent sheet and the drops of red, dark blue and at one point even yellow paint. He couldn’t think of any painting that included those colours, but maybe it was a new one that hadn’t been shown to the public yet.

_You might see something that nobody else has._

He got excited and dared a glance at the canvas, only to be disappointed by the sheer whiteness of it. Pursing his lips, he wanted to look at another before remembering that he didn’t have much time if he wanted to seem trustworthy to the artist. There was obviously no water here, so also no reason to hang out in the studio-like room and be caught.

‘I thought there might be a bottle somewhere next to the paint’ was a shit excuse.

When he returned to the hallway, his eyes fell on Hoseok Lee, who was still lying on the ground and seemingly unconscious. That was good enough to hurry the fuck up and get some water, so Hyungwon opened the next door, seeing a similarly equipped studio room that had nothing but canvases. When the third room looked the same and there was no kitchen in sight, Hyungwon decided that it couldn’t be a normal apartment because nobody would be able to survive like that. There weren't even glasses or cups anywhere even if water ran out of the tap in the bathroom sink.

_You’re not going to collect water in your palms and give it to him._

Hyungwon was utterly opposed to doing that, but when the guy was still unconscious on the floor, he started getting a little nervous and didn’t see any other options. Pouring water into one of his palms, he thanked his parents for giving him big hands and hurried back to the hallway.

Hoseok Lee lay there and breathed calmly, showing no signs of waking up. Arranging one of his arms under the other man’s neck, Hyungwon lifted his head just enough to rest on his lap and moved the palm filled with water next to the interestingly curved, but extremely dry lips. He felt ridiculous.

Instead of getting the water into the curved mouth, he poured it over the guy's face and heard the breathing pattern change, lips parting in a soft exhale.

_At least he’ll probably wake up from that._

“Hey,” he tried softly and rubbed his thumb over the wet cheek, hoping to get a reaction. “Are you okay?”

_Please be okay, so there is no need to get another palmful of water._

The person who, judging by the dried bordeaux paint on his tattooed hands was the artist he was searching for, swallowed and let out a hum, slowly opening his eyes and looking up.

_He seems out of it._

“Are you thirsty?” he asked because that seemed the best explanation for fainting out of nowhere and having lips that looked blowdried. In addition, Hyungwon couldn’t help but wonder why the artist didn’t bother to remove the paint from his hands, especially if he had a sink.

Another hum sounded, and the man licked his lips that didn't seem to help much. The consciousness seemed to return slowly, and the dark eyes turned bigger and rounder with every passing second. "Who are you?" the low husky voice asked.

“Hyungwon,” he replied and smiled brightly before lifting Hoseok Lee’s head a little higher and wondering if he was conscious enough to not faint as soon as Hyungwon removed him from his lap. “I was walking by and a rather nervous postman asked me to help out because he was in a hurry. I hope you are feeling better now.”

"What- what postman?" Rolling to the side, the man sat up in a crossed leg position and massaged his temples.

_You said postman, but it was the delivery guy, Hyungwon._

“The one who brought those three boxes standing outside. It’s paint, right? It smells like it,” he replied while still smiling and gesturing towards said boxes. They were too fucking heavy. “The scent is nice.”

A few moments passed before the guy across from him lifted his gaze, looking suspiciously at him but letting his eyes flutter shut with an expression of pain on his face. Hyungwon was sure that the guy was about to say something, but his headache or whatever it was made him crawl towards a black bag that he opened and took a bottle of water from, drinking it all in one go. The action took about ten seconds that he used to look without being judged.

_So, he had water after all, fuck._

Hyungwon pursed his lips because of all the unnecessary effort while wondering if being suspicious was something inherent to hermit-like artists who hid away and apparently forgot to drink too. Hoseok Lee seemed rather healthy except for his lips, but that didn’t mean much when one forgot the most basic things.

_He doubts you, so you better do your best._

“Would you like more water? I can go get some if you like,” he remarked and moved a little closer, sitting on the floor next to the other man. The emptiness of the studio made him rather nervous because of its eerie atmosphere.

The man didn't reply and rubbed over his pants before looking at him with an expression that didn't look particularly friendly. "Do you have my keys?"

“Oh- I’m sorry, they are still stuck in the door.” Hyungwon scrambled to his feet and pulled the key out of the keyhole before handing the bunch to the man on the floor. “I tried to get you into the apartment quickly and then I looked for water, but there were no cups. That’s why your face is wet, I’m sorry.”

_He looks like he hates people, hallelujah._

"Uh-huh. Thanks," the man murmured and lifted to his feet, visibly trying not to faint again and eyeing him with those intense looking eyes. Hyungwon preferred the passed-out version with soft features. Grabbing his bag with hands that looked like he killed somebody, the blonde guy stared at him. "Aren't you going to… leave?"

_Preferably not._

"Aren't you going to wash your hands?" Hyungwon couldn't contain the comment and lifted his eyebrows in an apologetic gesture. "It looks a little intimidating."

Chuckling to make it more of a joke, he looked around one more time, wondering if there was anything else he could do to extend his stay or keep up conversation. Hoseok Lee was anything but an extrovert.

"Are you sure that you will be fine? You seem dizzy and those boxes outside look heavy."

"I forgot to drink," the other man replied and glanced at his hands before walking towards a room with a sink and giving Hyungwon the excuse to come along. He was a little sad that he couldn't see what was on the canvas, but he could clearly see the blonde man pick up a bottle, looking like some solvent and pour it over his hands just like that, removing the colour and probably some of the tattooed skin. "Thanks for bringing me inside. I'm going to go home now, don't worry. I have enough to drink there."

_Maybe he should make sure to have some in his studio too._

At this point Hyungwon was more concerned about the other man's mental health than his intake of water. Washing hands with solvent was all kinds of fucked up and he couldn't help but stare at the tattooed fingers and expect the other man's skin to shed at any second.

"Maybe you should wash the solvent off with water," he remarked and gestured towards the bathroom with the sink. "It'll be better for your tats."

_Also, his fingers, health and the artistic process._

"Do you usually carry packages for strangers, take their keys and give them tattoo advice?" The man at the sink lifted his eyebrow, looking at him with a smirk on his face before simply drying his hands with a paint stained towel. The smell of the solvent was intense.

_You do when there is something to gain from that._

The smirk was kinda hot, but that was beside the point.

“Not usually,” Hyungwon replied and returned the smirk as he finally ripped his eyes away from the other man’s abused hands. Some of the suspicion had disappeared which was good, but he knew that he couldn’t extend his welcome, not more than he already had. “But sometimes I make exceptions. Allow me one last piece of advice, for somebody who seems to paint, you are rather reckless with your hands.”

“That’s not a problem,” Hoseok Lee commented unimpressed and walked back to the hallway, opening the door and gesturing for him to get out. “If they fall off I’ll just throw myself against the canvas.”

_Now that explains things._

"Noted," he remarked with a shrug and decided to give in for the day. After all, there were more to come. He didn't glance around anymore to show that there was nothing to gain and hurried down the stairs. The brief smirk was the only sign that Hoseok Lee was at least halfway alive and Hyungwon needed way more of those.

Luckily, he already had an idea how to get them.

***

_Why do random people show up in spaces you don’t allow them in?_

Hoseok rarely got stressed by anybody but himself, but that was mostly because he kept human interaction to an absolute minimum and if he had to, he made sure the only sound they could make was muffled and not in any way recognizable.

_Less to think about._

No matter how much he thought about it, it was weird. Some guy who wasn’t a delivery man delivering his paint, getting into his studio when he fainted and giving him advice. Why the fuck was anybody in his studio in the first place? The only people that knew that address were the delivery men from the paint company and the guys from the custom canvas building studio who thought he was a part timer as he kept telling them that his ‘master’ was satisfied with the quality. Why was there suddenly a stranger?

_You don’t like it._

But what he didn’t like even more was the fact that he didn’t go to the studio for a few days because of that and now the government required people to carry a document with you confirming your place of work if you left the house to go to work. The last time he wanted to go the policeman didn’t believe him. He didn’t even fucking want the guy to believe him. Why didn’t he catch criminals instead? Like people who abused children or raped women. Why did they check where people were going? So fucking annoying.

Groaning, Hoseok cracked his knuckles and wondered why he was getting defensive when he didn’t do anything in the studio last time apart from behaving like a detective, checking if anything was missing and looking for news releases on his phone about a famous painter and his secret studio in the middle of Madrid.

_Means that you can paint for a bit longer._

He had done his very best to keep his anonymity even through his sudden burst of fame two years ago. The internet was a blessing and oblivious people were too, giving him the opportunity to continue what he had to do.

_Thank god they will deliver your canvasses. You’re going mad, aren’t you?_

His gallery felt stuffy, as if he couldn’t breathe, especially now that he didn’t have the opportunity to simply go out without being controlled, meeting people, having to explain himself. The ‘explaining himself’ part was the worst.

_Because there’s no explanation._

The buzzing in his head got louder and he rubbed his fingers together, deciding to apply some cream because his skin burned.

_You should have used less solvent._

He should have. He should have drunk more water, he should have thrown the guy out as soon as he saw him, he should have removed the red paint immediately, he should have made up a better excuse for going out when the police officer stopped him, he shouldn’t have looked at the ground all the time, _you know it makes you look as if you’re lying, as if you’re shy, as if you have something to hide even though nobody fucking wants to see what you’re hiding, Hoseok, why the fuck didn’t you…_

Inhaling sharply, he pressed his forehead against the light grey wall and imagined that the painful buzzing disappeared into the bricks inside, filling them with his pain and the disgust he felt. Was it even his own? He didn’t know.

_Stop._

He almost missed the bell when his thoughts returned back to the picture of reality as he stood in his house with his head pressed against the wall, trying to get rid of himself but of course that didn’t work well. Brushing the blonde bangs over the spot that he had pressed against the wall, Hoseok briefly lifted the curtain and glanced at the entrance. It was a slim guy but not carrying anything big. Probably checking if he was at home first.

_Maybe you should just steal his outfit and act as if you’re a delivery man. So, the fucking police stop annoying the shit out of you._

Smirking briefly, he unlocked the door and pressed the handle. However, instead of the delivery man from the paint company or the guys delivering the canvasses, it was the stranger he had seen at his studio. Long black hair covered part of the other man's face and a pair of glasses with black rims were on his nose. Hoseok only realised because he was too shocked to lose interest immediately.

_Why is he here?_

For some reason the guy was just as surprised to see him, big eyes turning gigantic and thick lips parting in a gasp.

"Oh, it's you," the other man muttered before smiling and taking out a notebook where his name, address and a few numbers were noted. "Are you having problems with your hot water supply, Mr. Lee? There have been some complaints, so the head office sent me over to check."

_Hot water? What the fuck?_

Narrowing his eyes, he tilted his head and examined the guy who had looked a bit different last time. Was it the clothes? Whatever it was, it was not a good sign to meet the same stranger twice in a span of a week when all his meetings had been purposeful. Something was fishy about it.

“What do you want?” he asked straight out, eyeing the man from head to toes.

"Uhm, to check the water?" The guy's eyes remained big and he brushed the fingers of his right hand through his black hair. "Your hot water supply looks like it's been turned off and I was sent to check what's going on. You're not the only one in the neighbourhood to be honest."

“I don’t give a shit about the neighborhood and I don’t use warm water. You stay outside.” Hoseok closed the door in the man’s face and went to the kitchen to check whether the dude was bluffing. A quick test was enough to know that he wasn’t, but he still felt that something was strange about it. Meeting by chance two times in the two places he didn’t let anybody in was fishy.

_Does he want to persuade you to sell your works?_

Hoseok had seen quite a few of those, but none of them had been able to find out who he was, what he looked like or where he lived. Sighing, he walked back to the door and opened it, cracking his knuckles again because it stressed him out. The other man had been just about to press the bell again, index finger in the air.

_Persistent._

“Come in,” he murmured, trying to calm himself down as there was no use in making the guy angry because as long as he didn’t know who he was, there was a chance that he would just fuck off after checking the water or whatever.

"Was that a test or something?" A perfectly shaped eyebrow lifted, also rather suspicious for somebody who was supposed to look at pipes and fumble with water connections. The same applied to the guy's hands that were perfectly taken care of, nails short and filed apart from a few cuts around the knuckles. "I'll get shit from the company unless I check. Even if you don't use warm water, something could be wrong, and they are afraid of losing money. The usual."

“I checked the water. I told you that I don’t use warm water, so I didn’t know whether you were lying. You weren’t. At least about that.” Hoseok stopped in the middle of his living room and gestured at the stairs to the basement. “Where do you need to check?”

"I'll have to take a look at the water connections in the bathroom or kitchen - depending on where the meters are - and in the basement if the issue is central." The plumber followed him and looked around briefly before returning his attention to his face and lifting an eyebrow. "But why would anybody come here and lie about wanting to check your water? Does that happen often?"

“No. Nobody ever comes, that’s why I’m wondering,” Hoseok replied, checking the way the man walked, how his upper body moved, if he looked nervous, if he had any gestures that he would have considered strange, but maybe it was just his imagination. He just wanted to be alone again. “Okay. Here on the left is the kitchen as you see. Bathroom is next to the bedroom,” he commented, gesturing at the glass doors to his bedroom that were open, but they could’ve also been closed, one could see through them anyway.

"Perfect," the suspicious plumber remarked and made his way to the kitchen before opening up several cupboards, starting with the one under the sink and then the ones next to it. Sighing, the guy turned around again and sighed. "But the problem is not in the kitchen."

_Is it some movie? What plumber looks like that?_

Not bothering to wait for him, the tall man wandered towards his bathroom next, disappearing behind the door. It felt weird, but what could the man do in there? Take a bath? Without hot water? Hoseok threw himself against the wall and exhaled, waiting until the guy finally found the issue and disappeared.

A few minutes passed until the black hair and big eyes reappeared behind the bathroom door. A bright smile was on the other man's face and Hoseok genuinely hoped that meant the problem was solved.

"Well, when you said that you have something to drink at home, you didn't lie. You also look healthier, I'm glad." Hoseok didn't know what that had to do with anything, but the plumber quickly returned to the issue at hand when he didn't reply immediately. "There's no warm water in the bathroom and the counter moved, which means you're paying for something you didn't get and it's central. Can we go to the basement?"

_The basement. Hallelujah._

He scrambled off the wall and walked towards the stairs leading down. “Sure,” he murmured, briefly playing with the thought of leaving the lights off and scaring the shit out of the guy.

As if sensing his thoughts, the man behind him chuckled before elaborating. "The red color on your hands better have been paint, I'm too young to die."

He smirked, amused by the comment and turned on the light. “Would I have poured solvent over it if it was blood? There’s no set age for dying. One just dies.”

"Can't argue with the wisdom of that, but dried blood can also be stubborn. As somebody who used to have constant nosebleeds I speak from experience." There was no change in tone and Hoseok wondered if the plumber didn't care about what was around him until he heard a sudden 'oh'.

"Pretty ropes," the guy remarked eventually after a few seconds of silence, before following him further towards the back room with the central water counters, pipes and electricity.

“Mhm. They are indeed pretty,” he replied, but the comment made him grin brightly. He really liked the reaction for some reason.

"Your paint collection is also nice." The other man winked at him before turning his attention to the water meter and pipes, checking things until he turned a few knobs, looking satisfied. Despite not looking like a plumber, he seemed to know what he was doing. At least that. "That should do. We can check upstairs."

“Awesome.” Hoseok inhaled, feeling more at ease knowing that the person would leave soon. The wink triggered some tingling and he glanced at the ropes but let his eyes flutter shut, focusing on the weird feeling of having somebody inside his house. “Let’s hope that worked out.”

"Do you also paint at home or only at that other place?" The plumber was already on his way up the stairs and turned around at the top to ask his question, hint of the previous grin remaining. Hoseok really hoped that he would leave as soon as possible.

_Why does he want to know so much?_

“Depends. One isn’t allowed to go out much currently, so…” Using his strength, he took three steps at once, easily catching up with the guy. The action made the stranger flinch because his unwanted guest hadn’t expected him to do it and Hoseok smirked before turning off the light and purposefully waiting two seconds before opening the door and covering them both in light.

_Hope that he is freaked out and will leave quickly._

His expectations were only partially fulfilled as he could tell that the other man's eyes had widened, but instead of fear, a curious gaze travelled over his features. The plumber didn't even run into the light as a lot of others might have and remained standing close to the door.

"Dimmed lighting looks good on you," the other man remarked quietly and licked over his full lips before turning around and making his way towards the kitchen where he tested the water. "Do you like the darkness?"

_He doesn’t want to leave, does he? But why? Are you too nice?_

That couldn’t be. He was unfriendly, and he showed that he didn’t want anybody there in addition to purposefully showing the guy his ropes and freaking him out with the light.

“Darkness? It’s okay. Would be better if it was empty, but it’s not.” Hoseok dropped on the grey couch and watched the man testing the water. “Do you know when I look even better? With no people around.”

"Subtle." Grinning, the plumber didn't seem in the least offended and merely continued checking the water in the kitchen until he seemed satisfied and made his way towards the bathroom. Hoseok heard the water running there too until the other man reappeared and looked around. "Any other bathrooms or rooms with a sink?"

“Mhm,” he murmured, dissatisfied with the fact that he had to show the art studio and stood up, walking towards the kitchen and opened the door that was made in the style of the wall and therefore didn’t look like one. He liked it a lot because it seemed as if one could seamlessly disappear into a different world, if it were possible for him that is. “There, in the corner,” he commented and pointed at the sink behind the canvas stands and various paintings stacked against the walls.

_Good that you didn’t try covering up the fact that you paint. Would’ve backfired now._

A gasp sounded behind him - probably a reaction to the fact that there was a gigantic room behind the kitchen - as the tall guy stepped further into his home studio and looked around instead of immediately going to the sink.

_Didn’t he want to check the water?_

"Wow," his unwanted guest breathed out and gestured towards a few finished paintings leaning against the walls. "I figured that you paint, but this is impressive. This one- it…" Pointing at the painting in the far-right corner, the other man swallowed before finding the right words. "It kind of hurts."

Glancing in the direction of the canvas, he stepped closer, tilting his head. He needed some time until he remembered painting it, one of those sleepless nights, in the dark, more precisely the moonlight and it showed in the fact that the paint looked somehow artificially smeared instead of purposefully applied to the canvas. In short, it sucked, and he remembered something being underneath, just that he didn’t want to see it and he didn’t want to remember it either.

“Yeah, it does, so don’t look,” he muttered and walked to the sink, waiting for the man to finally finish his job and leave.

"Difficult when something captivates you." It must have been a comment that didn't require an answer from him as the plumber sighed and joined him at the sink, long fingers passing through the spray of water and waiting for it to turn warm. It looked somehow pretty, but the man's next words pulled him out of it. "What is it that you capture on those canvases?"

“Want me to explain it to you?” he asked and smirked. “I won’t.” The presence of another person was driving him mad and he was a second away from picking up the the tall guy and carrying him out of his house before shutting the door right in his face. “Is it warm now?”

"Yeah." Taking his hand away and turning off the tap, the plumber examined him for a few seconds before walking towards the door that led back to the kitchen. Hoseok didn't miss how the other man still looked around for as long as he was able to before finally leaving the room. "I don't expect you to explain it to me, but I was wondering if you think every interpretation is correct. Some artists say that."

The question distracted him from the wish to immediately throw the man out as he had no business in his house anymore and he thought about it as they walked to the living space before he remembered that there was another small bathroom that he never used right next to the entrance. “There’s another one, but it’s okay even if there is no warm water, I don’t use it,” he murmured, opening the door, just in case. “I am me and other people are other people. I draw my gallery and they see themselves. I don’t care about their interpretation because in the end they have no idea anyway.”

"So, if somebody talked bullshit about the interpretation of your art it wouldn't matter to you?" There was a hint of surprise in the other man's voice as he stepped into the smaller bathroom and turned on the tap. Instead of simply running his fingers through the spray of water, the plumber washed his hands thoroughly.

_Why does it feel as if he is talking about you knowing exactly who you are?_

“Why… would anybody interpret my art?” he asked back, leaning against the doorframe and keeping his gaze on the tall man whose face he couldn’t see before the big eyes appeared in the mirror surrounded by the red tiles, staring back at him.

"I did." The reply was simple and immediate as the other man dried his hands with the provided towel. "I said that it hurts, and you told me not to look. I couldn't help but wonder if it's because you disagree."

“No. But why would you look if it hurts?”

"Because feeling a lot is better than feeling nothing." A brief smile appeared on the plump lips before the other man's face disappeared from the mirror as he turned around and met his gaze face to face. "Hurt is a very intense feeling, so I consider it enriching in art."

_Bullshit._

“I’d rather not feel anything and not enrich anything either. But… because you love pain so much...” Hoseok grinned and turned around, walking to the studio and to the corner with the tiny 10x20cm painting that he made the night before when he went crazy not being able to go out and it was the only canvas that he had left. He brought it along to the door where the plumber was waiting for him. Hoseok doubted that he was a plumber, but at this point he couldn’t care less, as long as the man was going to leave. “Here. You can have it. Look at it, be in pain, throw it away, draw something better on it, whatever.”

"W-what?" For the first time he saw genuine shock on the other man's face, an emotion that darkness and his rope collection couldn’t evoke. "You're just giving it to me? But why?"

“Well, you said you like pain and you can see it in what I draw, so I’m giving it to you and hope that we won’t see each other again. It’s not worth anything, don’t bother trying to sell it,” he lied and smirked, taking the man’s hand and placing the small canvas in it. “Where do I have to sign? Or are you guys signing yourself?”

Brown eyes observed him for a few moments until the other man fumbled in his bag. The guy's left hand remained perfectly still, as if to keep the painting safe.

"What is the point of signing myself if you have already touched my hand?" Pulling out a sheet of paper with his name, address and the task on it, the other man pointed at the bottom for a signature.

“Right. Sorry.” He signed something random at the bottom and grabbed some money that he used to tip for deliveries from a jar on the window sill and put it on top of the paper.

"I don't think that's necessary." Again, brown eyes met his, the expression a little difficult to read. "After all you just used a painting to buy me, or rather the lack of me."

The other man’s reply was so ridiculous that he had to laugh. “It’s worthless. I didn’t buy anything with it apart from a few moments of numbness and you had absolutely nothing to do with it.”

"And still, you hand it to me, hoping to never see me again. Maybe that wasn't your first thought, but that's what it seems like." Sighing, the plumber brushed through his hair and packed the signed paper back into his bag. "I appreciate it because it's beautiful, in its own way, but it wasn't necessary. Make sure to drink enough and wash your hands with water instead of solvent."

Winking at him once, the other man turned and quickly disappeared around the corner.

Hoseok stared, unable to move and unable to get a thought inside his head. He should’ve felt good, at ease that the stranger finally left, but the words he left with, the things he said kept repeating in his head. Who the fuck was he to care about him? About what he did, how he washed his hands or whether he drank enough? Who the fuck was the guy to make him feel bad for putting the canvas inside the big hand? It was worthless, it was, it meant nothing, but he hated the fact that he had given it to some stranger who thought it was a bribe to leave. Fact was, he felt as if there was something that the guy had seen, not those people at the galleries that started elaborating on color schemes and brushstrokes, it was a very simple kind of feeling, but then again… he shouldn’t have given it to him.

_It’s still a part of you, even if it’s worthless._

Maybe that had been the reason for keeping human interaction to a minimum because somehow in addition to his own mind, other people managed to make him feel even worse than he already did.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 2

Hyungwon’s stretched out index finger drew along the edges of a small canvas, barely big enough to be considered a painting and to not be overlooked during a visit to a renowned exhibition. It was a treasure meant for nobody and that was exactly what made it as valuable as it was. Those were the types of paintings that caught his attention, tiny gems in a cave of jewels and riches that nobody else seemed to pay attention to.

_But you do._

There was a reason Ok Seho gave his bigger works to exhibitions, a reason for large black frames that were illuminated by bright lamps and shown to the world like excerpts of something they didn’t seem to understand. People liked the things they didn’t understand, struggled to find meaning in and finally did by projecting themselves onto the canvas and seeing their own faces, their own colors and thoughts.

_But it’s drenched in black._

His finger finally left the edges of the canvas and stroked over the thick layers of paint that were applied in a seemingly arbitrary fashion. The newspapers might have written about a hidden horse that symbolized a yearning for freedom, the desire to break out of the dark colors that were smeared on the canvas. Articles might have discussed the patch of purple in the left corner and described it as a replacement for the sun, a shimmer of hope that the artist was trying to express and make the observer recognize in themselves.

_But none of it is true._

There was no yearning for freedom and there was no shimmer of hope that Ok Seho, Hoseok Lee, had expressed with his brush. There was only a feeling, a hint of desperation and a wave of hurt that the painting exuded and forced his fingertip to pause as he reached the blackest part of the canvas.

Hyungwon still couldn’t understand how the small canvas had ended up in his hands instead of its safe space in the corner of the artist’s home studio. Observing it made it seem heavier than it was and the pearl-white color of the blanket it was lying on felt almost like an insult to its expression. It should have been on a wall, but not the bright ones like the exhibition he had been to, with large lights and impressive frames. It was a hidden gem and needed to remain one, be it in a dark corner of an art studio or the inconspicuous wall of a small apartment.

_But you cannot keep it safe like this, not in a hotel room and not if you have no idea how you are going to leave the city anytime soon._

A few minutes of research were enough to figure out that there were no trains going to Barcelona currently and Hyungwon’s finances didn’t allow him many more days at the small hotel room he had already rented for one and a half weeks. The first had been spent figuring out the location of Hoseok Lee’s art studio, his licence plate and finally his home, followed by Hyungwon’s rather elaborate plan to get into said home. It had worked rather well considering the effort he put into breaking into an empty basement and fumbling with the water supply. The redness around his knuckles was a constant reminder, especially when he washed his hands.

The last few days had been less productive, especially since Hyungwon had a painting lying on his sheets, a painting he received for free and for a reason he still didn’t grasp. One might have thought it was a bribe to get rid of him, Hoseok Lee assuming he was somebody keen on selling his works and giving him a small one, so he’d fuck off and leave him alone already. It fit the rather misanthropic behaviour of the artist and his constant attempts to get rid of him. Only the expression on the other man’s face hadn’t fit his hypothesis, for that it was too invested. Hoseok Lee should have been glad when he finally left, but there was no sign of that.

_Now you need to get closer, closer than a glimpse at his home studio and his rope collection._

Hoseok Lee was too attentive and there had been no time to take pictures or look around more, but luckily Hyungwon didn’t really need it to identify the interesting bits. Until now his characterization of the artist Ok Seho was rather straightforward: a misanthropic man with self-destructive tendencies and an inexplicable rope collection in his basement. Furthermore, he had the hint that his interpretation of the artist’s works wasn’t necessarily off, especially if his rather genuine and uncontrolled outburst at the home studio had resulted in him receiving a small gem that was the painting on his sheets.

_You managed to get inside his home, but it’s not enough. A similar maneuver won’t work on him anymore, he’s too suspicious of you._

Seeing Hoseok Lee in his usual environment was enough to understand why nobody has ever managed to get to the artist, to find out what inspires him, drives his work and results in the paintings that ended up hanging in renowned exhibitions. Again, a brief google search had been enough to find that the artist never sold his art to private collectors, only large galleries and museums and even those were ready to pay several thousand euros to be allowed to have a piece.

_For you it is a hidden treasure, but for others it is a bucket full of cash._

Staring at the painting once again and being captivated by the devastating feeling that it evoked, Hyungwon realized the benefits of owning a piece of art.

_You can impact it._

Running his finger all over the dried colors, he inhaled its scent and stopped at the blackest part of it, feeling the thick layers of paint below it. It was fascinating, like a hidden treasure in more ways than just one. When he reached the center of the black patch of paint, he curved his index finger and scratched his nail over it, just a little. Another layer of black revealed itself at the spot, showing nothing else.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Hyungwon tried again, convinced that there had to be something, anything. The motion of his index finger remained consistent, scratching off another thin layer of black, again and again until a sudden hint of bordeaux appeared, contrasting with the blackness around it.

_He said he likes his darkness empty, but now it’s not._

Hyungwon stared at the result of his intervention, at the way the thin, colorful spot cut through the blackness like a dull knife, struggling to show itself.

_It’s still beautiful somehow._

The sudden vibration of his mobile phone pulled him out of focus and he almost dropped the painting off the bed, cursing at his clumsiness. A brief glance at the display showed a colleague of his, the obvious sign that it must have been urgent as the guy wouldn’t have bothered otherwise.

“How can I help you?” he replied, putting on his perfect automated voice in case he had to ditch the call and return to his examination of Ok Seho’s art.

“This is no time for jokes, Hyungwon. You have to get back immediately.” There was urgency in Flores’ voice that caught his attention as if it was unlikely for anything to be relevant enough to force him to stop before reaching his goal.

“Why would I? I have made superb progress and cannot wait to rub it into those idiots’ faces. There is no reason to return unless my life is in danger and even then, I am probably better off in Madrid than back in Barcelona.”

“They are putting the entire city of Madrid on lockdown in a few hours. Insider information.” Flores sounded nervous and as if he was staring at a document while saying it, parts of his speech a little unnatural as if he was reading. “You have to find somebody to get you back to Barcelona before that. It’s not official yet, so you should be able to if you’re fast enough.”

_A lockdown?_

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he sat up straighter as he tried to process what exactly that meant. A city on lockdown meant no way of getting out of it, no trains, no busses, no cars and most importantly a hotel that he would have to pay for somehow.

_No fucking way._

The only exception to having to pay the hotel was if the lockdown was going to be for longer than a few weeks and even in that case Hyungwon was only going to get the money back much later. None of these options were affordable but returning to Barcelona was out of the question.

_You’re so fucking close. You’re holding his art in your hands._

“I’ll see,” he replied and returned his attention to the messy brush strokes, as if they were accidental and not led by controlled hand movements. Hyungwon loved it.

“What the fuck do you mean ‘you’ll see’? You’ll be stuck there, Hyungwon. Stuck in Madrid and I have no idea for how long.”

_Stuck, huh?_

“Just in Madrid or wherever it is I might be?” he asked and reached for one lock of his hair, wrapping it around his index finger absentmindedly as he tried to run through all possibilities and how he could make them his bitch.

“Listen, it’s a lockdown. You’ll be stuck wherever you are and won’t be allowed to leave, no matter the reason. They already want you to have valid reasons, but now there won’t be any reason to leave, do you understand?” Flores was obviously becoming desperate with Hyungwon’s reluctance to return. His colleague must have thought that Hyungwon didn’t understand the severity of the situation.

_You do, which is why you are definitely not going back._

“I do,” he replied and jumped off the bed, occupying himself with putting the few belongings that he had into his backpack. Two hours wasn’t a long time and he had to make sure he had everything he needed before leaving the hotel for good.

“So, you’re coming back to Barcelona?” Flores sounded relieved and Hyungwon heard him muttering something in the background, probably telling somebody that he had convinced Hyungwon to return.

“No,” he replied and grinned to himself as he carefully wrapped his arms around the painting on his sheets and pressed it to his chest. He really didn’t want to say goodbye to it again. “But I know the perfect place to return to.”

_

With the painting safely tucked away under his arm and covered with silk fabric that he stole from the hotel, Hyungwon felt perfectly prepared for the next step. His backpack was full of his belongings and he had chosen something to wear that looked good instead of something that helped him to play a role. Basically, he looked like himself which was his best bet with what was about to come next.

_Fate playing right into your hands once again._

He brushed through his hair with his fingers and made sure it fell nicely before pressing the doorbell and waiting to be told to fuck off back to where he came from.

_What else would it be?_

This time it took way longer for steps to sound behind the door before it opened, only a tiny crack first, showing a bit of Hoseok’s pale face, one eye that looked borderline creepy because there was paint under it and it widened, door opening further.

“What- the fuck are you doing here?” the low voice asked, husky because of not talking to anybody. At least that’s what he thought.

_Creepy shit._

Despite the rather disconcerting sight, Hyungwon smiled and wondered how the other man managed to seem normal, kind of friendly even. Unless one intruded on his private space that is. Had he not entered the artist’s studio and house, Hyungwon might have thought he was dealing with a possibly shy young man, one who prefers to look at the floor instead of people’s faces.

_But he’s not a shy young man, which is why you need a damn good reason to get past that door._

“I came because of the painting,” he replied eventually and decided not to elaborate at first. It gave him the time to observe Hoseok Lee’s reaction and evaluate what to do next. Usually his plans were a little more detailed than that, but this time the goal was only to get past that door. Optimally within the next eight minutes. He could already hear the sirens of the police cars in the neighbourhood.

_Time is ticking._

“Why? Don’t like it? Then burn it, throw it away or I don’t know. Why would you come all the way here?” The other man opened the door further, standing in front of it and turning a long brush in his hand, posture somehow different from before, but he couldn’t tell the reason. There was some paint on Hoseok Lee’s face and his tattooed hands, but he was wearing his usual black long sleeve shirt and linen pants that had a few paint stains.

_He was painting - right this instant._

Hyungwon successfully contained an excited gasp, mostly because he had caught the other man in the act of painting and if things went well enough, he might even end up observing it, get a grasp of how those works of arts came to be. Having the door open was already further than he imagined getting within the first two minutes.

Lifting the painting to his chest, he hugged it carefully and glanced to the side to seem a little uncomfortable, maybe even shy to some. He was sure as hell not shy, but this had to be played well.

“I… like it, but it somehow felt like it belongs here instead of with me.”

_True enough, even though you want to keep it for yourself._

The artist might have had a binary reaction, it was either an excessive avoidance of eye contact or an intense kind of staring that made you feel like running away after a few seconds. This time it was the second and he swallowed, keeping his gaze focused on the guy in front of him.

“Feels foreign, huh? Like a rotting limb you don’t need? I understand that. But I don’t take things back, so just throw it away. There’s a big garbage bin outside.”

_Holy shit._

Hyungwon observed the paint-covered face, trying to figure out if he was being serious about describing his own art as ‘a rotting limb’. The comparison fit with the rather depressing comments he had heard before and the idealization of darkness, even if it was supposed to be empty to be to Hoseok Lee’s liking.

_You’ve seen his art. It fits somehow, doesn’t it?_

“You are mistaken. It doesn’t feel foreign to me. Rather the opposite.” Moving minimally closer, just enough to be able to place his left hand on the doorframe, Hyungwon licked over his lips to seem in thought and like he was contemplating how to explain what he meant. It was the truth this time, so there was no need to think about what to say. “It’s a hidden gem, precious in its own way, but there is no place for it where I am right now. It doesn’t do it justice and I cannot keep it safe there. I hoped to find a place for it in your house and maybe- if you will still let me have it - take it back another time when I found the right place.”

“A hidden gem? You’re joking, right? I thought for hours about what you might want from me, but nothing makes sense.” Suddenly, the broad body moved only minimally closer and Hoseok Lee lifted the hand with the brush, pointing at him and narrowing his gaze before just brushing the tip over the middle of his bottom lip and leaving a black line.

Hyungwon contained the instant desire to lick over his lips and swallowed instead. There was something different about the other man and not just the fact that he hadn’t thrown the door shut right in his face.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked and examined the way blonde hair fell onto the artist’s forehead and contrasted with his dark eyes. The color was almost identical to the paint on the long brush and the black color that was tainting his bottom lip right this instant. Hyungwon found himself wondering if that was one of the reasons for Hoseok Lee loving the color black so much, the way it seemed to be reflected in his eyes. “I want a safe place for the painting you gifted me.”

“You’re a liar. I mean, who isn’t but I’m still wondering why you won’t leave me alone. What exactly is it? I thought I would figure it out if I drank something and threw some paint around, but it didn’t help. Instead you’re here again.” Licking his own lips, the artist moved his brush and drew a line from his bottom lip to his chin.

Something about the gesture made him nervous and it wasn’t the fact that oil paint could be toxic if ingested in large amounts. Something told Hyungwon that the artist in front of him wasn’t quite aware of what he was doing, but he had nothing to base that impression on.

_He just said that he drank, Hyungwon._

A glance towards his own wrist told him that he had about four minutes left and at this point he wasn’t sure yet whether having a possibly tipsy Hoseok Lee in front of him was going to make getting into that house any easier.

“I am,” he replied instead of giving another reason for coming. He thought of coming up with another, maybe something a little more personal, but the expression on the other man’s face told him that it didn’t matter what left his painted mouth at this point. It was all going to be classified as a lie. No point in bothering then. “Will you let me in?”

“Why? Do you want to search for a nice spot for the painting? Or to wash your face?” The tattooed hand lowered the brush and Hyungwon hoped the other man was done drawing on him. “It looks better like this though.”

_He just gave you a reason all by himself._

“What do you like about it?” he asked, curious even though he should have been slipping past those buff arms already, especially with the way minutes were fading away without him crossing the doorstep and the sirens getting louder.

_But you need to know these things, the motivation behind his actions._

“Control,” the other man replied with a smirk before letting out a sigh and stepping to the side. “You can wash your face and then fuck off.”

_Control?_

Hyungwon tried to combine the desire for control with what he knew from the other man's paintings, but it didn't fit, not really. None of it had shown control, not unless he had missed something vital.

_But that's impossible._

"I'll wash my face," he began as soon as he realised that his goal had been reached. Smiling briefly, he stepped into the already familiar house before finishing his sentence. "And find the perfect place for the painting."

He briefly examined the minimalistic furniture and the clean surfaces, a feature that carried throughout the whole house. During the first visit, the interior had reminded him of a furniture magazine, a beautifully arranged house that only needed to be filled with personality. Only that the other man hadn't bothered filling it.

_His basement had more to say about him than any of these rooms._

Hyungwon had seen it all last time, but the home studio had left the strongest impression. Knowing Hoseok Lee's art, seeing the red drawers in the kitchen and the red tiles in the bathroom was somehow surprising.

_Maybe it's the colour he keeps hiding under the black._

Standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, Hyungwon examined the stroke that the other man had drawn on his face. It was thick and not quite black, rather a mixture of deep purple and anthracite grey and going from his bottom lip to his chin, perfectly straight.

_Impressive_.

Staring at his own reflection, he couldn't help but hesitate before washing it off. The seconds ticked by, but he liked the effect and contrast that the colour created with his skin tone. Of course, he hadn't come all the way to admire his own reflection in a mirror, but in the end, it didn't matter how he wasted the remaining minutes, as long as he stayed within these four walls.

He heard slow steps and refocused just to see the pale face in the doorframe observing him. “Hmm, you can’t be wanting money, can you? People who want money act differently.”

_He's not too far off though, is he?_

"Technically I do, but not from you. Don't we all want money? This is capitalism." He chuckled before turning around and leaning against the sink, a smile remaining on his lips. "I'm impressed by how straight the line is that you drew, even though I'm not a still canvas, but a moving person."

_The time is almost up._

“I don’t care about money and I don’t care about capitalism either. Just tell me what you want, and I will tell you that you probably won't get it from me, so you can stop wasting your time and go home to play plumber at other people’s houses. At places where there is something to gain.”

Hyungwon would have chuckled at how easily the other man assumed that there was nothing to gain from him, but that might have only added to the suspicions that seemed to grow with each passing second.

_Just like his inability to get rid of you._

"I envy you then. It must be nice to not have to think about how to pay rent and have enough money for the things one enjoys doing." _Like playing plumber._ He turned back around and filled his palms with warm water before attempting to wash off the paint. Luckily it wasn't dry yet and there was no need for anything apart from a bit of soap.

“I would switch with you any second,” Hoseok chuckled. “Throw the painting away. I won’t take back anything that I gave away. There’s a reason I did. Leave and throw it away.”

_How could he even think of throwing it away?_

Hyungwon didn’t care about money when it came to art because in his opinion it didn’t define the value of the creation, but how recklessly the other man considered getting rid of his own creations was disturbing in every way possible. Even if he hadn’t needed a good reason to be let into the house he wouldn’t have considered getting rid of the painting or selling it. It was his and as soon as he could return to Barcelona it was going to come with him.

“You’re not taking it back. You’re keeping it safe until I can take it home. It’s mine.”

Their conversation continued but the eight minutes had already passed. It was only a matter of seconds until the artist was going to realize what was happening around them.

“But I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to see it either, god, why is it so loud outside?” The blonde man massaged his temples before focusing on him again. “You look the same as before now, so leave.”

_Too bad that you can’t now._

Even though the other man was clearly telling him that he didn’t want to see his face, Hyungwon couldn’t contain the hint of a grin as he made his way to one of the windows and plastered shock on his facial features, reacting to one of the police cars driving around with a megaphone.

_Dramatic._

“There’s a police car outside. They are announcing something over a megaphone,” he muttered and opened the window to hear better, excited about how much closer he had just gotten to his goal simply because the Spanish government decided to announce a lockdown in Madrid.

Hoseok Lee looked slightly disturbed and glared at him for opening the window, and Hyungwon was sure that had the other man not held a brush in his hand, he might have just thrown him out of it.

“You are not allowed to leave your houses for the next fourteen days. This is an official curfew, you have to obey the stay at home order to ensure the health of the population of the city of Madrid. Any person leaving the house and disobeying the order will be fined and sent back. Delivery of food and other necessary consumer goods will be organized by the government and will arrive this evening,” the officer with a low voice announced as Hyungwon glanced at Hoseok Lee, who just stood next to him with his brush and didn’t move a single bit.

“Did you make this up?” the artist asked.

_What?_

No matter how much Hyungwon might have liked the ability to bring about government decisions, a lockdown was not something he was capable of. Even hiring a policeman to drive around and make random announcements was rather difficult to come by, especially without money.

“How the hell am I supposed to make a government lockdown happen?” He sat down on the window sill and crossed his arms, playing out a good deal of frustration. “What the hell does that mean now? I have to stay here?”

The artist stared again and judging by how the black eyes widened, he didn’t like the outlook. Hyungwon contained the urge to grin once again, liking the outlook.

_Of course, he doesn’t like it. Poor baby._

“W-what? Nonono, you need to leave immediately, so you can get home, you can’t stay here. What’s your name again? God, I have no idea, what’s your name?”

_Is he panicking?_

Hyungwon shifted on the window sill, wondering how to ease the transition from pure shock and wanting him to fuck off to resignation. The other man was obviously not getting the point of staying at home and not leaving the house, no matter where one was at that moment.

“Hyungwon,” he replied before pointing at the police car that had just turned around a corner at the end of the street. “But they are just going to arrest me if I leave the house. They said nobody can go out, not even to go home.”

_Barcelona is a little far to walk, isn’t it?_

“Hyungwon. Awesome. That can’t be, they will let you go home. And now, leave. Do you need money? I’ll give you enough to get you there. You can throw the painting away somewhere else and let’s forget that we ever met.” Chewing on his lips, Hoseok Lee tilted his head and looked at him, waiting for him to climb down and leave.

_Is he being serious?_

Hyungwon doubted that the other man had grasped the situation yet, looking for simple solutions that didn't exist. The painting wasn't even the problem here and no amount of money was going to get Hyungwon to Barcelona at this point.

_And you don’t want to be there, not when you are this fucking close._

"Listen, they literally just said that we are not allowed to leave the house. Not even to go home. That's why they will deliver everything necessary, because nobody is allowed to go out." Brushing through his hair to get it out of his eyes, Hyungwon wondered if he had to tell the artist directly to make him understand. "I will have to stay here for the duration of the shelter in place order, Hoseok."

The uncomfortable eye contact returned, torturing him for what felt like a fucking eternity before the other man finally moved. However, instead of showing any signs of understanding, the only thing he registered were arms around his body as he ended up hanging over the artist’s shoulder head down and was carried towards the door.

_What the-_

"Hey!" he yelled and hit his fists against the other man's back, trying to make him let go and put his feet back on the ground. "Don't fucking manhandle me! I'm not a sack of potatoes."

_That's not how this was supposed to go._

“You’re so much worse than a sack of potatoes. I always thought gags were just for fun but now I get the importance. Don’t you dare come back, or I’ll tie you up and then put you in front of the door.” The low voice sounded completely calm in comparison to the other man’s state a few seconds ago and he didn’t seem to mind being hit either, putting him down and placing him in front of the open door.

"You can't just-" he began, but right that instant the door was shut in his face, making his bangs fly up from the force. "-throw me out."

The wooden door was staring back at him and Hyungwon couldn't believe that despite a government ban the other man had just manhandled him all the way to the door and thrown him out.

_He even threatened to tie you up with those pretty ropes of his._

Groaning, he lifted his fingers to his temples to massage them as he tried to understand which part of 'don't leave the house' Hoseok Lee didn't understand.

_He must really hate people to risk getting in trouble._

To be precise, Hyungwon was the one in trouble and just how much became apparent when the police car turned around the corner again and lit up his back like a fucking criminal.

_Hallelujah._

It only took ten seconds for a police officer to jump out of the car, wearing all that scary gear they have for football games and walk towards him with a flashlight shining right into his eye as if it was fucking necessary. It wasn't even that dark yet.

“Didn’t you hear the announcement, Senor? Please go back in, or we are going to fine you on the spot. It’s 300€ and if you refuse to pay you might get up to three months in jail.”

_Mr. fucking Lee better pay the fine after that stunt._

Smiling apologetically, Hyungwon suddenly realized the benefit of the situation and brushed through his hair once again. This time the goal was to look slightly embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, officer. My boyfriend thought it was funny and just threw me out without a key. I tried to ring the bell, but he isn't letting me in." He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth because it was effective. "Please don't fine me."

“Is this the house?” The man pointed at the door and grinned behind his shield. “Let’s go.” Making his way to the entrance, the police officer simply rang the bell about five or six times until Hoseok opened and looked as if he was about to kill somebody, but the officer looked entirely unimpressed. That man was Hyungwon's new hero. “This is not a game, okay? Next time you will go to jail if you throw your boyfriend out. It’s an emergency and you think it’s funny? Take care of him and make him some coffee, now that you must stay in for two weeks. I think you can come up with fun things to do. This is my last warning.” Sighing, the guy shook his head and patted his shoulder, pushing him into Hoseok Lee’s arms and pulling the door shut.

_Oh, well._

Looking up from the chest that he was basically pressed against, Hyungwon met the other man's obviously disturbed gaze and smiled.

"Coffee?"

***

His heart was hammering like crazy in his chest and his breaths got quick, a sign that he was about to lose his shit, but he couldn't. He couldn't lose it in front of another person. A person in his fucking arms asking for coffee and about to stay in his house for two weeks.

_There's no way, Hoseok, this can't happen._

He closed his eyes and imagined the bony chest to be the warm parquet floor in his studio, but it didn't fucking work. If only he hadn't opened the door. He should've left the nuisance outside, he should've continued drawing and not given a shit about any bell if he knew that he wasn't about to get anything delivered.

_Don't you hate people? Don't you know that all they do is hurt you? If you want to meet someone do it in a controlled way, not like this. You have so much to lose, you… don't have anything to lose. You just…_

_You just hate seeing someone close to you because it makes your existence so much more real. He warms you up with his body, he makes you angry, he pulls out the worst in you, putting a mirror right in your face so you can look at the reflection of your mess._

_It's a mess._

_You're a mess._

He had had a drink. Maybe he shouldn't have, but who could have known that he would end up on lockdown, unable to leave his house and having a stranger who managed to hurt him pushed against his chest. It was as if the reality that had been somehow bearable laughed in his face, not letting him breathe. Making him suffocate on his helplessness. What was he supposed to do now?

Pushing the slim body away easily, Hoseok turned around and walked towards his studio entering it without a single word and locking the door from the inside.

_And now? Can you even paint when you know that there's somebody in the house, probably snooping around your stuff. You don’t even have any stuff, god. You can feel that he wants something from you, there's no way anybody would be interested in a person like you without having the background of your 'work', your paintings and the 'impact' they have. Or the money. But he said he didn't want it. What does he want? What the fuck do they always want from you?_

Massaging his temples, Hoseok tried to get rid of the buzzing in his head that made him want to rip a canvas, but he couldn't. He had just received a big delivery and if he wanted to be able to not lose his shit in front of the person that was probably standing in front of the door and listening to what he was doing, he needed to paint and to do it without destroying anything.

_Why do you care? Can anything really be worse than yourself?_

Yes.

_Being next to people, being close without a plan was worse because they saw that he wasn't empty. Then he wasn't the only one who could see it and he hated it. It was his place, his gallery, he didn’t open the door._

When there were people around, it started becoming so much more real.

_

Awareness returned when the sounds of sirens, the disturbing warmth of another body, an unfamiliar scent and the low voice disappeared from his consciousness and left nothing but a dull feeling, a memory that felt muffled by time, the lack of light and noise, the night.

Did he dream all that? He couldn't tell if he did, but the absence of his long brush told him that he didn't. That there was a person inside his house, a person that would probably be there when he opened the door.

His body needed to take care of its basic needs. He needed to go to the toilet, he needed to drink and at some point, he needed to sleep too. Maybe. Maybe today.

_But there's another person. Where is he going to sleep? In your bed? What if he's already sleeping in your bed, making it warm even though it's cold, snuggling in your blanket that you throw away in the night and breathing. Regularly. Like a person who is asleep._

Inhaling deeply and letting his obsessive thoughts pull him back to the reality corner of his gallery, Hoseok lifted from the ground and stretched his arms, cracking his joints and trying not to think about the likelihood of his terrible predictions coming true.

His steps were quiet, almost silent as his bare feet slowly walked towards the door and he unlocked it, pulling it open, just a tiny bit, to breathe and check if the air had changed, if he could feel the presence of another person, but it was just him and the constricting smell of his own thoughts. It had always been his thoughts.

_That's why you don't want anybody to see them. You cover them, but they like the covers so much that they want to put them on their walls and it makes you sick._

Shaking his head, but encouraged by the lack of change, he stepped into the kitchen and looked around, thankful that the space was completely open, and he could see everything at once apart from the bathroom.

Instead of immediately finding the person that wasn’t supposed to be there, his eyes fell on a glass of water standing on the counter and a plate next to it. Something was arranged on top of it and looked home made with the tomatoes sticking out from the edges and soaking the bread below with their juice.

_What's that?_

Hoseok stepped closer and observed the sight, being pretty sure that he had never seen any home-made food on that counter before. To be fair, he hadn’t seen any kind of food on that counter before, as he usually ate in the studio. Stuff out of packages that made the noise that he liked and overshadowed his thoughts for a few moments.

The thirst was killing him, and he took the glass, emptying it. But that stuff on the plate…

_What does it even consist of?_

Swallowing, he reached for the upper slice of bread and lifted it briefly, finding some salad, tomatoes and something that looked like cheese? Does cheese look like that?

_You weirdo._

Smirking at himself because he acted as if he didn't know the outside world, he wondered if it was okay to eat it. First, he wondered about how it could have appeared if he didn't have any groceries at home. Fresh things.

_Maybe you've finally succumbed to the pressure and are losing your shit for good._

If he did, it didn't matter anymore anyway, so he might as well just eat it. Tilting his head, he sighed and took the piece of bread, staring and smelling it briefly before eating it in what felt like ten seconds.

_Because it's soaked in tomato juice and has this chewy texture._

“Ehm, it’s just a sandwich,” he suddenly heard from the direction of the couch, voice low and a little rough, like it was laced with sleep. “There were no ingredients to make anything proper.”

_You forgot that he was here._

"Where did you find… all this?" he asked and decided to use the time to fill another glass of water. At least…

_What was his name again? Hyungwon? At least Hyungwon didn't sleep in your bed._

“Ehm,” Hyungwon began and seemed to be a little surprised by his comment even though Hoseok knew that he had no fresh ingredients in his house. The other man got up and sat down on the couch instead of lying on it, arranging his long legs below himself like a puppy. “It was part of the food delivery organized by the government. They brought it around 9 and asked if we needed anything, so I told them a few things. It should be easier to cook starting Wednesday. That’s when the next delivery will come.”

"Cook? What do you mean cook? I'm not even sure I know how to use the stove or if I have anything to… put on it. You are fucked, boy. You should've gone to the house down the street, they always look super happy and have meals in front of the window and shit." Hoseok glanced at how the man sat on his couch with his legs under his butt, staring up at him.

_His position though…_

“Listen-” Hyungwon sighed and brushed through his long hair, trying to fix the few strands that stuck out and to brush them back where they belonged with his long fingers. There was something different about the other man’s face, but it must be the puffiness that came with sleep, changing the features slightly. “I didn’t ‘choose’ you and this isn’t about finding the best house to hang out at. This is about the government putting us on a lockdown and me trying to find the best way to remain healthy during that time. I looked through your cupboards and drawers and when you bought or rented the house and got the furniture right from the magazine, you must have been thorough. The most basic things are there, and we should be able to survive on something better than a fat pan con tomate sandwich with extras.”

_Why does he say ‘we’? As if you two are in the same kind of situation right now, as if you have the same things to worry about._

"You make no sense. But I see that you do sleep, so you probably need some things. But…"

_But you only have your gigantic blanket Hoseok, you don't have anything here, just the stuff you need to survive. Alone._

"This is driving me nuts.”

“Did you just say, ‘but you do sleep’? What the actual fuck?” His comment pulled Hyungwon out of his calm demeanor as he shifted on the couch and leaned forward to rest his head on the armrest, sighing once more. “What do you think I am? A doll? Of course, I sleep. I also eat, shit and fuck for that matter. Like humans do.”

"Well, have fun trying to fuck in here. I don't sleep but I do lie in bed. A lot. Fact is, I only have one blanket." His body started to feel better and he had no reason to feel strange in his own house, so he stepped closer, leaning against the wall and observing the unwanted cohabitant that he’d gained in evil twist of circumstances.

Hyungwon briefly tugged at his own hair before lifting his face away from the armrest and obviously calming down after what might have qualified as a little outburst. Licking over his lips, the other man met his gaze and shrugged.

“Then we share.”

_What? Is he okay?_

"Do you have an official order for that too? Or will you go out again, lying to the policeman that I'm your boyfriend?" Hoseok suddenly remembered how Hyungwon pressed himself against his chest and asked for coffee. He wanted to hit something. "I should've at least tied you up, to make it more believable."

The other man lifted one of his perfectly formed eyebrows in response to that and let himself fall against the backrest this time, sinking into it.

"What else was I supposed to say? He would have fined me otherwise and I was right in front of your door," Hyungwon pointed out before grinning suddenly. "So that's what you use your pretty ropes for?"

_They are pretty but that’s about it._

"I can see from the expression on your face that you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about." Coming closer, Hoseok leaned down until there were only a few centimetres between their faces. "Aren't you scared?" he whispered against the puffy face with a smirk, letting it sink in before leaning back again. "Don't you have like… I don't know, some kind of sense of self preservation that keeps you from doing dumb shit, like coming to weird people's houses? You could've told the policeman your address and that you're at some weirdo's home who is threatening to gag you and ask to be taken home? But you prefer to say that I'm your boyfriend? At this point I hope you don't expect me to believe that you're a plumber, delivery man or whoever you are trying to impersonate currently."

_You just don’t know what he wants. Still._

Hyungwon remained on his spot on the couch, observing him intently and remaining pressed against the backrest even though there was no need to be.

_One thing he's doing right._

"I'm pretty much myself currently," his cohabitant commented eventually before a smile fought its way back on his lips. "My home is in Barcelona and I doubt that the policeman would have driven me all the way there during a complete lockdown. Also, you haven't threatened to gag me... yet."

_Barcelona?_

"I haven't? I guess it was just in my head then. Just like the rest. But if your home is in Barcelona… Why the fuck are you sitting on my couch in Madrid?"

The smile on Hyungwon’s lips only widened as he reached behind the couch and pulled out the painting Hoseok had gifted him, wrapping his long arms around it. “I still need to find a nice place for this painting after all. Until I can take it home to Barcelona.”

_Maybe you should burn it._

Hoseok narrowed his gaze and licked his lips. He needed to take a shower before going to bed because that's what he always did, but again, the fact that there was somebody in his house sent shivers down his spine. "You like smiling, don't you?" he chuckled and curled his fingers around the black fabric of the long sleeve shirt he was wearing, pulling it over his head. "You're fucking reckless."

"Maybe," Hyungwon murmured and Hoseok felt the other man's eyes on his chest until they travelled back up to his face. "Are you going to shower or is this a show just for me?"

_He would have never said it if he knew what you’re into._

"Want to die?" he hissed and walked past Hyungwon and towards the bathroom. "Let's say now I threatened to gag you."

_Is it him or is it the fact that he's in your house?_

He couldn't tell, not with how his breathing sped up and he got rid of his clothes, finally breathing freely and stepping into the shower, letting the cold water hit his head. When he started shivering, he washed his body and hair before drying himself and wrapping a towel around his hips. It didn’t help to calm him down, but at least he was smelling like his favorite flower shampoo, was it jasmine? It smelled delicious.

_He said to share the bed._

Suddenly, Hoseok hated everything. Inhaling sharply, he cracked his knuckles and walked out, moving towards the white cupboards. Despite his actual goal, his eyes immediately searched for the black-haired human.

_Usually you just float in the darkness, but now…_

Instead of finding the black-haired man on the couch, Hyungwon was leaning against the headboard of his bed, naked apart from underwear and with his gigantic blanket pooling in the other man's lap.

_He feels at home even though you don’t._

"Had a nice shower?" Hyungwon asked before smiling once again and placing the phone he had been staring at on the bedside table next to him. The other man had chosen the opposite side of where he slept, as if he considered himself a part of his house.

_Why can’t he just disappear?_

"Would've been nicer if I didn’t have to think about the fact that there's something inside my house that isn’t part of it." Hoseok listened to the buzzing in his head as he put on simple black underwear and returned the towel to the bathroom.

_You don't sleep in the same bed with anybody. But then again, you don't sleep, maybe you're lucky._

Focusing his gaze on the slim body and lifting his gaze to meet the big brown eyes, he carefully walked towards the bed, steps slow and silent. He kept wondering whether the man was a con artist, trying to get some of his bigger paintings and sell them on the black market. There was no way somebody would be okay with being in a stranger's house, lying in his bed and being this calm, meeting his gaze even though he looked as if he ate people for breakfast.

_The black ropes would look good on his nipples. They're so tiny._

Remembering how his dog, that died a few years ago, always snorted at small animals to make them move and chase them, Hoseok smirked, wondering whether he should do the same.

The other man held his gaze without even flinching, very much unlike most people. There were only two reactions Hoseok had seen people have in response to his gaze and those were either fear or arousal, nothing in between.

Still, Hyungwon showed neither of the two. Instead there was a hint of something that resembled curiosity.

"Oh, 'something' that isn't part of it? Should I put myself on the wall instead of a painting in order to belong?" There was a teasing undertone and the other man smirked at him before returning his attention to his phone and typing something. "If you're done, I'll go brush my teeth."

Something was bothering him about the way the man in his bed reacted. It wasn’t because he didn’t show a reaction he knew. It was because it seemed as if Hyungwon either had never experienced anything bad happening to him, or he didn’t give a shit about it anymore. A state Hoseok attempted to reach but never managed to. Somehow, he thought it must be the first one.

Sighing, he sat on the bed with his back to the other man and stared at the white empty wall. “I don't want anything on my walls. You can go brush your teeth.”

"My point exactly," Hyungwon remarked and made his way to the bathroom. Hoseok only snapped out of it when the long legs interrupted his stare, following the slim body to the entrance. Right before closing the door, Hyungwon blew him a kiss and grinned. "Thank you, your majesty."

_You’re going to kill him._

Throwing his head back, Hoseok breathed deeply a few times to not pick up the barely dressed guy and throw him out like that. It wasn’t cold, but it was definitely weird, and the policeman would fine him for sure this time. The guy didn’t like him since that time when he had tried to explain that he was a person who painted.

He could hear water in the sink and low humming, as if the other man didn't have a single concern in his life, cheerful enough to hum as he brushed his teeth. The noises disturbed him because they weren't supposed to be there. The house had always been silent, nothing but his own steps and his thoughts, but now every second was filled with a sound that didn't belong.

_You will have another thing to deal with now. As if the pictures in your gallery aren’t enough to stare at._

He spread his legs and let himself fall on the soft bed, glancing at the ceiling and swallowing. Maybe he should drink more.

Again, a sound interrupted his thoughts, this time the shower accompanied by the same voice humming a different melody. He couldn't turn it off in his mind no matter how much he tried to focus on the ceiling and the nothing around him.

When the sounds finally stopped, others followed as the bathroom door opened and he heard naked feet on the parquet, making their way to the bed.

"I used a random towel, hope that's fine," Hyungwon remarked before lifting the big blanket and crawling under it. "My hair is still a little wet though because I couldn't find a hairdryer."

“I don’t have one,” he commented, feeling the blanket lift his head. Hyungwon really hadn’t experienced anything bad in his life. What a blessing. “But a towel usually does the job. Why didn’t you use one?”

"Yeah, but if I rub too much it ruins the texture, so half-assed drying it is." The other man sighed and shifted under the blanket. Hoseok could have tried to imagine that there was nobody else next to him as long as there were no more words, as long as he couldn't feel the warmth that was radiating off the other man's body. It almost felt like there was nobody but him until he suddenly felt warm fingers against his lips, brushing over them before disappearing again. "Are you still thirsty? You were in your studio for a long time."

_What is happening?_

He swallowed and sat up, reaching for his own lips and rubbing over them, feeling the tiny cracks because he really sucked at drinking. “I drank two glasses, it should be okay,” he commented, before turning to the black-haired man who just lay in his bed as if it was remotely okay. “Why do you care?”

"You fainted before," Hyungwon replied and shrugged before wrapping his arms around a big portion of the blanket as if it was a person. Smiling, the other man used his left hand to gesture towards his body. "And you're pretty heavy."

“I see. Just leave me on the floor next time, so far I always managed to come back to life as you can see.” Hoseok wished he had taken those sleeping pills from the doc, but he couldn’t, not if they made him feel like the pictures around him didn’t matter. It didn’t remove them or paint over them, it just made him watch as if it was something he didn’t care about. But he was still there. In the gallery. Damn it.

Reaching for the lightswitch, he left them both in darkness apart from the moonlight that shone through the big window on the right. “Sleep,” he murmured and lay on his back, hands under his head, not bothering with the blanket. Maybe he could just give up and sleep without it?

"You're hopeless," the low voice whispered next to him as Hyungwon climbed out of the bed again, steps echoing through the house. Hoseok heard a cupboard open and the sound of the tap before the same steps made their way back. "Here," Hyungwon commented and placed a glass of water on his bedside table.

“Listen… do I by chance seem like a baby to you, or something? Because of my hair? Or my cheeks? You don’t need to take care of me, I am perfectly aware of things and you can take care of your own business, like not annoying me because otherwise I’ll throw your bony ass out of my bed.” He lifted on his elbow and placed his cheek on his palm, observing the tall man who was still standing next to the water.

"Stop threatening me and take care of your health." Instead of walking around the bed to the other side, Hyungwon simply held onto the headboard and climbed on top of it. The other man's legs stepped on the mattress close to his hips again before slipping under the blanket.

“Let’s make it the last warning then. Don’t annoy me and just fucking sleep already.” He groaned and wanted to throw something and somehow the glass of water made him angry, showing him that there was something wrong with him, that he didn’t manage to look normal. To be normal.

_But you don’t want to be normal and you hate being this messy too, it just all sucks no matter how you look at it. He has only been here for a few hours but is already telling you that you aren’t able to take care of your health. You don’t give a shit about your health you just want it all to be empty but instead it feels like that full fucking glass that is standing there and staring at you, reminding you, judging you, because the reason is you and you know it._

Hoseok jumped up and took the glass, walking around the bed, opening the window and throwing the glass including water against a tree, watching it shatter, before closing the window and walking back to the place on the bed where he lay before, heart hammering in his chest, but at least there was nothing on the white table. Nothing but white, still mocking him, but in a subtler way. A way he was used to.

"Goodbye glass," he heard next to him as Hyungwon shifted under the blanket and Hoseok could suddenly feel a whiff of warmth against his skin, as if the other man was close. "Throwing it out of the window doesn't mean you don't need to drink anymore, does it?"

“Want me to throw you too?” he asked, before deciding that it was enough and stood up. Inhaling sharply, he took the slim body along with the blanket bridal style and carried it to the couch, dumping it on top to make it slightly uncomfortable, but not painful. “Tada.”

"What the hell?" Hyungwon sat up with narrowed eyes, but they had no effect coming from a slim guy wrapped in a blanket burrito. "I'm not your bride to be carried around like that. What did I do for you to throw me here. Give you a glass of water? Really?"

“Listen, you might think that you’re cute and caring and it will get you somewhere, but it annoys the shit out of me. Just leave me alone.” Hoseok groaned once again to get the tension out of his system and walked back to the bedroom, laying on the empty bed. It sucked.

Silence spread through the house and for a moment Hoseok thought that the other man had finally understood. Unfortunately, that moment was interrupted by the sound of steps making their way towards the bed and half of a warm blanket landing on top of him as Hyungwon simply lay back down and hugged the pillow.

"I'm neither cute nor particularly caring, Hoseok," the low voice murmured next to him. "But I guess you'll figure that out eventually."

“What makes you think that I want to figure anything out? I just want to be left alone, I even gave you the fucking blanket. Just sleep, for fuck's sake. You can just close your eyes and disappear into dream land, but I can’t, so I have to listen to all you have to say and it’s driving me nuts.” Hoseok hissed the last few words and turned around, facing the small face and the big eyes that stared at him.

"Fine," Hyungwon whispered and at first, he thought the other man was toying with him, giving in just to fight back with more vigor. But shifting under the blanket and burying his head a little deeper in the pillow, Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut. "Goodnight, Hoseok."

He didn't say anything and listened to the sounds of his own breaths and the breaths that left the thick lips of his unwanted guest.

Somehow, watching the calm expression was addicting. It was like seeing something that you couldn't have come to another person so easily. All feelings, concerns and insecurities disappeared, like a thick cover that hid all of it and left room for those calm exhales that tickled his hand. He could feel it because he had wondered what it felt like and reached out, chewing his lips at the tingling against the back of his hand.

Watching a person sleep soundly next to him surprisingly didn't make him mad. It felt… one could say that it felt good to see that it existed, that there were people who weren't hurt, who didn't have to battle their fears, their thoughts and their consciousness every day and every night, dealing with things that couldn't be dealt with because they were so deep that he couldn't reach them. Or didn't want to reach them. No idea. He was helpless.

Instead of thinking about it any longer, Hoseok just closed his eyes and counted the regular exhales against his hand, one, two…

_He needs to leave this place as soon as possible, so he can keep sleeping like there's nothing bad in this world._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 3**

_Why is it so bright?_

Rolling over, Hyungwon attempted to bury his face deeper in the incredibly soft blanket he was wrapped in, but somehow the rays of sunlight still managed to penetrate through all the layers and reach his eyes.

_Which means you are not home._

Blinking a few times to get used to the brightness, he sat up in the spacious bed and looked around. The sight wasn’t particularly surprising considering that he had done everything in his (and the governments) power to end up exactly where he was. In Ok Seho’s, Hoseok Lee’s house. His bed to be precise.

_Considering what a crazy plan this was it ended up working beautifully as usual._

Grinning to himself, Hyungwon looked around the open and gorgeously bright space. He loved the glass walls that separated the bedroom and how open and friendly everything looked, very much unlike its owner.

_He does look friendly with that round face of his, but all those threats aren’t._

Hoseok Lee was obviously not used to company and the longer Hyungwon remained in the house, the less signs of normal living he was able to find. The artist didn’t have any fresh ingredients at home, not even frozen vegetables were to be found in his freezer. There had been nothing but a few bottles of water and a few cups of instant noodles, half of which were already past their expiry date. How the other man was still alive was a mystery and Hyungwon couldn’t help but be genuinely concerned about the time the world was still going to be able to talk of Ok Seho as a current and not a deceased artist.

_He ate that sandwich as if it was a five-course meal and he had just come out of a cave._

Technically one might have considered Hoseok Lee’s home studio a cave. It was difficult to see from outside since it looked like a kitchen wall, it could be locked from the inside and the other man had spent several hours in there without coming out.

_He was painting, and you didn’t see it. You’ll have to improve your game if you want to achieve something over these two weeks._

His plan was perfect because it gave him a limited time frame and the proximity he required to figure out what he wanted to know. The question was only how to get through to the other man without ending up losing the rest of the glasses, cups and plates that were in the cupboards. Hoseok Lee seemed to not only be rather self-destructive towards himself, but also have some crappy coping strategies.

_You’ve never seen anybody react like that after being taken care of. Don’t people like that usually?_

Sighing, he climbed out of bed and looked around once again. The house was bright due to the large windows that reached all the way to the floor, making it seem like an open space instead of a place with four walls. Leaning against the glass, Hyungwon looked outside and wondered how the other man felt living in such a secluded area in Madrid. There were no other houses to be seen, nothing but trees and a street that led back to the city.

_How did the police even find this place?_

The sight was beautiful and idyllic, but also a little lonely, more so than his small apartment in Barcelona was. There the only thing Hyungwon was able to see outside of his windows was the next house with apartments, but there were always people. Either he saw his neighbours arguing, their kids playing and throwing things or his neighbours’ underwear as they preferred to hang it from their windows. Suddenly, he missed the beach and the scent of the sea that entered his nose as soon as he let in the fresh air.

Wondering what the air smelled like in Madrid, Hyungwon opened the big window and inhaled deeply, enjoying the flowery scent that reminded him of spring and the hint of forest that stemmed from the large trees located around the house. It was nice, even if it wasn’t the sea.

As soon as he leaned back and closed the window again, he noticed the scent of paint that had found its way into the open space instead of remaining in the home studio.

_Is he painting?_

Hyungwon hadn’t expected to find the artist sleeping next to him, but he must have been too sleepy to think about alternatives and the fact that he might have missed his chance to see him in action once again.

_You wanted to make sure the time is limited, but that also means you can’t waste it by smelling flowers and enjoying spacious houses you cannot afford._

Well, if the whole thing worked out well and better than he anticipated, such a house might become a distant possibility instead of a utopian fantasy.

_You better offer something when you go to him, makes it more difficult to send you to hell._

Brushing through his messy hair, he made his way over to the kitchen and looked for the instant coffee they had received the night before and that he was going to mix with boiling water to create two hopefully halfway decent cups.

_He lives in a spacious and flamboyant house, but like a hermit._

Hyungwon wondered how living like a hermit might be influencing the other man’s art. Again, he could already picture those articles in his head, arguing that living like that cultivated his artistic juices or similar bullshit. Hyungwon doubted that it had anything to do with artistry, at least not intentionally.

_You’ll get to the core of this soon enough._

He brushed his teeth, washed his face and generally freshened up while the water boiled. He didn’t bother getting dressed yet because he had only two outfits and there hadn’t been any time to wash the first one as he found out about the lockdown only two hours in advance. Either he needed to waste water to wash his single outfit, or he was simply going to wear the other man’s clothes. The second sounded like the better alternative.

Still in his underwear, he grabbed the two cups of coffee and pushed his right foot against the door that resembled a wall, positively surprised when it opened.

_He didn’t lock himself in this time, perfect._

He was blinded by the amount of sunlight that forced him to blink a few times to get used to the brightness. After some time, when his eyes got used to the illumination, his gaze fell on a gigantic wall made of glass that revealed big trees, a patch of plants typical for the local flora and the sun shining right through. There was a big canvas on a stand in the middle and he couldn't see what was on it because the door where he was standing was right across from the glass wall and the canvas was placed across from the sun rays entering from the outside. Only belatedly did he see the figure on the floor, dressed in the usual black that covered most of the other man's body that leaned against the glass. Hoseok's eyes were open and stared at the said canvas. At least it looked like it.

_You can’t just run over there and stare at the canvas too._

At first, he thought of starting out simple with a ‘good morning’, but the other man looked so out of it that he hesitated. Hyungwon didn’t want to freak him out immediately, especially with the calm atmosphere that surrounded the studio. Maybe it was the only place that the artist felt at peace.

_If only you knew what is going on inside his head._

He decided to take this slow and made his way towards the other man, enjoying the strong scent of paint and wood that he already knew from the actual studio. This was a miniature version of it and Hyungwon wondered if the artist was going to suffer from not being able to go to his main creative space.

Crouching next to Hoseok, he held one cup of coffee under the other man’s nose while taking a sip from the other. It tasted okay considering their circumstances.

The dark eyes fluttered shut as Hoseok inhaled deeply, shifting a little and bending one leg. "Did you sleep well?"

_This seems to be a whole different world._

"Yeah," he murmured, wondering if the other man was enjoying the scent of coffee without drinking it. "You?"

"I didn't sleep, but you looked really calm, like this," Hoseok replied with his low voice and lifted his hand holding a long brush. Smiling briefly, the artist pointed at the canvas that was completely white and only the rays of sunshine were moving as the wind ruffled up the leaves in the treetops. "So pretty."

_Like a blank canvas?_

Hyungwon wondered why the other man seemed so peaceful even though he hadn’t slept and apparently also hadn't painted yet. Even though he must have been exhausted and still angry about having to share his space with another person.

_He must be suffering from insomnia, just as you thought._

“Why do you fill it if you like it blank?” he asked and lowered his hand with the coffee a little, beginning to feel the weight of it.

_If he considers a blank canvas beautiful, why bother changing it?_

"Because it's never blank. I'm not painting the things I want, just the things that are there. In the gallery." Hoseok let out a sigh and shifted again, enough to lift his upper body and turn his head to meet his gaze. "I see you're back to being a caring person. Do you want me to draw you? Is that why you made me coffee and are running around in underwear?"

_Draw you?_

Hyungwon thought of pointing out that the other man never drew objects or people, but that would have revealed too much. It wasn't time for that yet, especially not if he wanted to hear the artist's genuine thoughts.

"I wanted some coffee and used what was there. Making two cups isn't harder than one," he replied instead and shrugged before leaning his head against the glass and stretching out his legs. The floor felt a little rough against his naked skin, but he liked it somehow.

_He said he isn't painting the things that he wants but the things that are there._

Hyungwon had always seen emotions in Ok Seho's paintings, but did that mean that the other man was painting the emotions he felt or was Hyungwon completely off with his assumptions?

_He said the things that are there within the gallery, but what gallery does he mean? None of the paintings look like they show his art studio._

"There were no people in the painting you gave me. Do you draw people too?"

Black eyes settled on his face again, displaying the same pressure and intensity that the artist created when he looked; really looked at something. "How much do you know about me?" the low voice asked as the blonde man took the second cup from the wooden floor and lifted it to his lips to take a sip.

_There he goes asking the important questions._

He smiled and couldn't contain a grin as he turned his head in order to properly meet Hoseok's gaze. There was something magical to it with the sun shining through the glass between them, so bright that he could see the light reflect off the tiny particles of dust that flew through the air.

"I know that you are Hoseok and that you paint," he replied and took a sip of his own cup before putting it down next to him. "What you paint makes me feel something."

_The things you don't feel._

Hoseok chuckled and lifted one corner of his curved mouth in a smirk. "So, you're telling me that you know absolutely nothing about me, by chance carried my paint to my studio nobody knows about, fixed my hot water in my private house nobody knows about and came to said house a few moments before the government locked the city down? Hopefully you understand that I don't believe a single word you say."

_He's attentive and not naive despite his dislike for other people._

Even though Hoseok's point was that Hyungwon was lying, he couldn't help but feel like it was partially a compliment. After all, Hyungwon had indeed found a studio nobody knew about, been inside it, found a house nobody knew about and ended up inside it. For two whole weeks to be precise.

_You're so fucking good at this._

"Even if all of that was intentional, I still know nothing about you." Smiling, he closed his eyes and let his feet slide over the rough floors, enjoying the sensation. "I like the floor in this room."

"It's nice. But it's even nicer after the sun heats it up and it burns against your skin like fire, but not enough to hurt you, not a lot, just like a reminder." A glance at the other man's face showed that he was smiling with his eyes closed, before the smile disappeared and black eyes focused on him, accompanied by the sound of the cup being placed on the wooden floor. The body that was covered all in black shifted closer and Hoseok slowly moved towards him, gaze focused on his eyes. "What is it that you know?"

_Like a predator._

Even though the other man seemed dangerous when he moved closer like that, Hyungwon couldn't get himself to feel afraid or concerned. Whenever he wanted his heart to beat faster because of a dangerous situation, it merely continued its steady beats while his mind told him that there was no point in being scared. Nothing could happen, and it never did.

_You need to know more to feel excited, find out what drives him._

"I know that you draw feelings that I seem to lack," he whispered, unintentionally lowering his voice because of how close the other man was. It was the truth once again, a grain of it that Hyungwon planted in a big field of lies. If it grew into a tree that bore fruit, he would consider planting more.

"Then I assume that you've seen more than the few canvases that are in this room," Hoseok whispered, leaning forward on his arm, leaving so little space between them that he could feel the slow exhale that followed.

_He wants to find out why you came to him, but it's not that easy, is it?_

"Wouldn't it be boring if I answered all of your questions?" Bridging a few more centimetres, he exhaled roughly on purpose, letting the other man feel the air against his lips this time. "But let me tell you that knowing a single work of yours would be enough."

"I'm not so sure. You don't seem obsessed with me or my art. The only thing I know is…" The curved lips were so close that he could almost taste them, but just at that moment, the blonde head tilted, and the hot breaths hit his neck and the shell of his ear. "The only thing I know is that you should leave this place as soon as possible."

_Now that was a little exciting._

Hyungwon realized that his breath had hitched in anticipation of what Hoseok was about to do next, but it broke as soon as the other man turned to whisper another warning into his ear. There was no way that he would disappear as soon as possible, not before those two weeks were over. Not until he reached his goal.

_He’s difficult to predict, but you like that, don’t you?_

“Do you always try to scare others with proximity?” he asked instead of commenting on Hoseok’s warning. It might have been the intention and there was no need for imagination to know that it probably worked frequently on others. After all, there were enough men that were terrified by the mere thought of being too close to another man or, God forbid, a kiss.

“No. Never.” There was another exhale, but Hoseok didn’t move back, breathing the next words into his ear. “Usually, I don’t scare anybody. I do other things that are more fun, and I’ve never thought that my proximity was scary. Maybe because usually it’s what the people who come here are looking for and I stay distant on purpose. Is it scary to you?”

_Not in the slightest._

Hyungwon smiled and shook his head even though the other man wasn’t able to see his face, not while remaining so close. The interesting bit was not the fact that Hoseok _usually_ didn’t try to scare anybody, it was everything else that he mentioned and that Hyungwon was easily able to associate with that rather impressive collection in the basement.

_Those ropes, huh?_

“Then you were the one lying, weren’t you? Telling me that nobody ever comes here.” Instead of remaining unmoving, he used his right hand to sink into the blonde strands, grabbing the right amount to have a steady grip. Tugging once, he made sure that Hoseok moved back, but just enough to be able to look at his face. “Is this why you think I came here?”

_Maybe this should be the reason you came here._

Something in the gaze changed and made it more intense, almost burning as the tattooed hand stroked over his forearm lightly, moving towards his wrist. “Nobody ever comes here unannounced. Nobody comes here unless I tell them to. It can’t be the reason you came here because you obviously have no fucking idea how that works, baby.” There was sudden pain in his wrist and he let go of the blonde hair, just like Hoseok immediately let go of his wrist.

_Did he just-_

He bit down on his bottom lip to contain a brief burst of anger that he pushed right back where it came from. Anger, much like overreacting, wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Hyungwon needed to remain calm and figure out what implications the change in Hoseok’s behaviour had. The other man wasn’t trying to throw him out of the apartment which was already a positive development and less exhausting to deal with. The rather provocative bit he would have to figure out with time.

“A control freak, huh? Is that why you threw that glass out of the window? Because I put it there?” It wasn’t as passive as he planned but feeling angry was able to bring some of that excitement back, more so than a breath against his lips did because it was more intense.

_Imagine how exciting it will be once you know what makes him create the way he does._

“Control freak? I’m not sure about that, but you would’ve definitely gotten a gag for saying that downstairs.” The curved mouth lifted in a smirk, before Hoseok simply returned to his previous spot, grabbing the brush and turning it in his hand as he stared at the canvas.

_Downstairs._

Suddenly, Hyungwon wondered how much of the emotions he saw on the canvas belonged to the other man and how much of it might have been the result of something he evoked.

_But he said he doesn't scare anybody, he only gives them what they want._

But Hyungwon didn't know what the people coming to the artist wanted, what they might be showing to the man sitting next to him and playing with his brush.

_You need to see him in action to understand._

"Lovely, but I'm not downstairs," he merely pointed out and reached for his coffee before crossing his legs and staring at the blank canvas. He wanted it to be filled. He hated staring at the white nothing, even if Hoseok seemed to enjoy it.

“I know. That’s why you’re talking. I would say you’re not the type that visits, but they also act all tough and bratty when they arrive.” Grinning, the blonde man took a sip of the coffee that was standing in the sun as if he had placed it there on purpose. “So, I guess you know some of my art, maybe the famous ones, or the less famous ones, but you asked whether I draw objects and people and that means that you know nothing besides that. I went to art school for a few years, so I can draw humans and objects, it’s just not visible in my paintings. But-” Glancing at him, he could swear there was a hint of curiosity on the pale face. Hoseok should drink more. And eat. “How does it feel to be a white canvas?”

_What?_

Hyungwon genuinely tried to make sense of the question and he knew that Hoseok compared him to a white canvas when he slept, but the actual feeling the artist wanted him to describe wasn't obvious to him. Was it sleep because the man next to him wasn't able to enjoy it?

_He switches from provocation to hesitation so quickly._

Even though there was a question he needed to find the answer to, he had already acquired more information than anybody else. Ok Seho had been to art school, had superior painting skills but chose to paint abstract emotions. A dark palette.

_You need to know more._

"I told you that I know nothing about you, Hoseok." Wondering why the artist wanted him to describe something that must have been natural, automatic to him, Hyungwon stretched the time before finally giving a reply. "It feels empty."

“But isn’t it nice? The emptiness?” Tilting his head, the dark gaze roamed his face searching for something that he couldn’t grasp or understand. “You know nothing about me, which is the good thing about this. It should stay this way. I haven’t read about my studio or my house or my name online, so that means it’s not common knowledge and I can keep drawing.”

_He has no idea what the emptiness feels like. Maybe that is why he likes it so much. People always yearn for the things they don't have._

"Why would others knowing mean that you cannot continue creating?" he asked and finished his cup of coffee. The sun only shone on his back and he began to feel cold, so he wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled his legs closer to his chest.

“Because I can only paint if I’m being left alone. If people know I will stop and then… I don’t know what will happen then. The gallery will burn, or it will eat me alive, but you look uncomfortable, are you sure that you don’t want me to draw you? Strike some pose and I’ll put you on that canvas and then draw a pretty cover on it so people can write articles about how it’s my longing for my girlfriend while being on lockdown.” Hoseok grinned and had that playful gaze again, moving his brush closer, almost touching his arms, but only moving in the air along it down to his thigh. Goosebumps spread over his skin and he couldn't tell if it was the cold or anticipation of a touch.

_A cover, he said he will paint a cover over it._

His mind instantly returned him to the moment he had scratched paint off the canvas Hoseok had gifted him, the moment he had seen the red below all that black.

_What if there is something underneath every painting, Hyungwon?_

His heart started beating furiously and he loved it, he loved it so much that he curled his fists a few times to relax after the sudden rush of adrenaline and stood up. Hoseok had joked about the pointless interpretations of his art, the bullshit that people came up with. What if what the people could see wasn't the actual painting? What if there was something below and the cover was the emotion associated with it, the color arrangement that was able to make him feel something.

"You want to paint me?" he asked and walked a few meters behind the canvas, just right for the artist to be able to see him with a brief glance to the side. It was the perfect opportunity to experience Hoseok in action, to observe him paint what is underneath before creating the cover on top.

_Even if this isn't the same it gets you a step closer to the truth._

Slipping his fingers under the waistband of his briefs, Hyungwon pulled them down his legs in a quick motion and discarded them at the side with his right foot. Being half-dressed and shy about one's own body seemed insulting to a proper artist.

"Go ahead then."

Hoseok looked at him, gaze smoothly traveling from his face down his body and back up. “You might need to take a shower after this. I need to apply some of the paint to your body otherwise it won’t work. Are you okay with it?”

_He wants to paint on you?_

That wasn't quite what Hyungwon had been hoping for, but as long as he was able to experience Hoseok using that brush of his, there was something to gain.

Raking through his hair, he made his way towards the other man, expecting him to paint on him right there, at the window where there was enough light.

"Feel free," he murmured and stopped right in front of Hoseok who was still leaning against the glass, black eyes looking up at him. Nodding, Hoseok lifted and walked around the canvas towards one of the cupboards and returned, holding a container of paint that he opened. It was red.

_The color you found below the black._

"What would you like me to do?" he asked as Hoseok prepared his palette and brushes.

“Nothing. Just be empty like you are,” Hoseok whispered. A glance was enough to know that something in the other man’s eyes had changed, the way he held the brush with the red paint, how he stepped closer, how his gaze seemed to lose focus in a way that wasn’t understandable because his hand didn’t shake, it was perfectly calm as the black eyes lifted once to look at him before the cold paint touched his skin, flowing in a line around his neck.

_What is he painting?_

Hyungwon wanted to ask but didn’t, remaining perfectly still and silent instead. It seemed wrong to speak, to comment or ask questions as there was no guarantee that he would receive an answer. Hoseok seemed to be somewhere else, a place where Hyungwon’s words were unlikely to reach him.

_Maybe that is the state he wishes to reach at night, as calming as sleep is._

The brush danced from left to right on his torso, slipping towards his arms once or twice, but mostly leaving bright red lines that made him feel cold. Hoseok circled the tip of the brush between his collarbones, on his solar plexus, over his navel and right over his groin before exhaling roughly and moving a step back, black eyes taking him in like there was so much to see instead of merely his slim, paint-covered body.

_If only you could see what he sees._

Again, he wanted to say something, anything, but nothing seemed appropriate to the situation. There was something heavy in the air, surrounding both and making it difficult to speak or even breathe. Each inhale required effort as if the paint on his body had weight that pressed against his skin.

Walking backwards, Hoseok ripped his gaze away from him and focused on the canvas, chewing his lips. The brush dipped in blood red paint started dancing on the white surface and he knew that sometimes, the artist turned his head looking at him, but the picture that he started recognizing took his breath away. It was his body, the slim build that he sometimes liked and sometimes didn’t, his long collarbones, his long hair, thin waist and small nipples, but watching the precise strokes of red, he suddenly understood why there was paint on his body. The strokes that had sent shivers down his spine had turned into ropes around his torso, with knots between his collarbones, his solar plexus, his navel, his groin, his arms tied to his body and his parted lips.

_He tied you up in his imagination._

Hyungwon observed without a word, unable to understand where the picture in front of him had suddenly appeared from. He considered himself a good judge of character, somebody who easily understood and saw through other people and was therefore capable of getting what he wanted. He should have been able to anticipate Hoseok's preference to restrict him the way he did on the canvas, but somehow Hyungwon hadn't been able to.

_It's as if his mind is behind a hidden door, much like his studio._

He flinched at the sound of the brush falling to the floor as the blonde man dipped his fingers into the paint and stopped in front of the picture, tracing the ropes that he drew with his paint-covered fingers, red running down his wrist like blood and combined with the absolute devastation on the pale face it seemed more like it. Hoseok was looking at his fingers that followed the lines and there must be so much the blonde man saw and felt. All of it was like a gigantic vase spilling over, covering everything around him and soaking the canvas, the tattooed fingers, the floor and crawled up to him and continued on his body. A deep inhale followed, almost as if Hoseok hadn’t been breathing, pulling his hands away from the canvas and throwing his head back.

_The lock to his emotions broke. What if he needs to break himself to be able to cover his imagination?_

“You can shower if you like. I’ll paint the cover.”

There was so much to see and feel even though the other man's words sounded calm. The words were spoken through a veil and barely reached him whereas the blood red hands, the empty expression in those eyes and the sheer pain he felt from looking at the artist did.

_His breakdown feels so like the blackness covering his art._

Hyungwon didn’t move a single inch, feeling like the red paint that connected him to the canvas resembled real ropes that held him in place. He didn’t dare leave, not when there was so much written on the other man’s facial features, emotions that he could neither grasp nor understand no matter how much he tried.

“I’ll stay,” he whispered quietly and moved one step closer, feet sticking to the paint that had spilled on the floor.

The low voice didn’t say anything in reply and only a distant hum seemed to have left the curved lips when Hoseok grabbed a thick brush and absentmindedly mixed a few of the dark colors he knew from his paintings, covering the ropes first with a deep black and arranging everything else around, the grey patches around his face and neck, the blue at his hips and dark violet and more black in the middle, melting into each other and covering what was there before with thick strokes. The black eyes jumped from one patch to the other, covering the white until there was absolutely nothing left. Only a documentation of what has been in a language nobody was able to understand.

_Nobody._

Hyungwon stared, realizing that just like everybody else he couldn’t understand. He didn’t understand why Hoseok hid what was underneath, why he needed to cover what was there and fill it if the white canvas was what he adored the most, what he seemed to envy whereas Hyungwon preferred the result, the dark colours that connected and turned into a whole. A whole that covered his skin in goosebumps and forced his lips to tremble from so much more than the cold paint that covered him.

_It’s making you feel again._

The artist was painting the result of his own emotions, the devastation that followed the first strokes that appeared on the canvas. He was painting sensations that Hyungwon had no access to but wanted to have.

_You need to understand._

Hoseok’s slow steps backwards, the strange motion of letting the brushes and palette hit the table caught his attention and he observed the face that was the color of a blank canvas, how shaky the steps had become and how the body dressed in black sank to the floor, right on the spot where the sun heated it up and illuminated the already light hair.

Losing his consciousness must have been the only moment the man lying on the floor in front of him felt the way he wanted to feel.

Like a blank canvas.

***

A stroll around his gallery, the pictures he didn’t want to see again were still there because no matter how many times he drew over them, covered them, still the feeling remained the same, the lack of emptiness forced itself into his consciousness and was driving him mad.

His wish for control was like a sad try at coping, ruining it all with his fingers because that’s how it always went. He kept ruining it and the problem had always been him, not the colors, not the canvas, not the brush, it had always been him. He wanted to finish it up, to not look at those pictures anymore, but maybe it was the lack of perfection. Maybe it needed to be perfect, but he was like a person who couldn’t ever achieve it. Striving for it, even though there was a stamp on him. One that said that he couldn’t do it. Running and not getting closer to his goal no matter what happened, the outcome would be that he would go back to the gallery and be forced to look at those pictures, like the one showing him his past mistakes, his failures, why it had always been his fault.

_It’s not, but the feeling is there, so maybe the fault is too._

The reality wasn’t graspable, and he seemed to have forgotten in which corner the picture was, where it was hiding as he stood in front of his helplessness, barely breathing because it felt so fucking scary.

_You can’t stay here forever, Hoseok. You can’t._

As soon as he had the thought of trying to find the exit that he knew existed, that had just been locked from the inside, his thoughts started raining on him, reminding him of the past, of everything that happened, of his failures, of all the bad decisions he had made during his twenty nine years of life, of all the times he wasn’t able to feel the way he wanted to feel and how he had finally understood that he was the reason he couldn’t be happy, the reason that he couldn’t exist, couldn’t sleep, breathe and live like a normal person.

_You dropped out of art school and isolated yourself. Just to understand that it’s you, have you forgotten?_

How could he if that had been the only two words that were always written out in his mind, prettily with a long brush in blood red.

_It’s you._

_Hoseok._

“Hoseok?” a low voice ripped through the thick walls of the gallery and he started moving to the corner, ah, it was on the right, now he remembered where the reality was. Right here.

His eyes opened, and the light blinded him before long black hair appeared in his sight, tickling his nose. As usual after forgetting where the reality was, Hoseok felt out of it, staring helplessly and trying to remember the last bits before he entered the gallery in his mind. The gallery that was a mess and was going to haunt him forever. Until he burned it along with his own existence.

“Mhm?” he hummed, swallowing and tasting coffee.

_He brought you coffee, you played with him a tiny bit and then you drew on him, on the canvas, the ropes and your fingers…_

Inhaling sharply, he glanced in the direction of the canvas, eyes jumping from one brushstroke to the next and chewing on his lips. His hands must’ve been blood red. Why was there another person to see, a person who was like a blank canvas? A person who should’ve continued existing that way without getting close enough to let his brush touch the golden skin.

"Here," he heard a low voice as he felt the cool opening of a bottle against his lips. The man above him was still covered in red paint, ropes that danced over his skin and tainted it in the same way that the dark paint had covered the black canvas.

"You should wash it off," he murmured after taking a sip.

"So should you," Hyungwon replied and stroked over his hand briefly, the touch hot and telling him that his body must have cooled down despite the bright sunlight shining through the glass. Shifting briefly, he realised that his head was on the other man's naked lap and an arm was holding him in place before helping him to sit up. "At this point I'm pretty sure everything needs a good scrubbing, including the floors."

"I-" he started, briefly flinching at the sound of his own voice, before sitting up and turning towards the black-haired man who wasn't covered in any fabric only his drawn ropes instead. "I shouldn't have pulled you into this, I'm sorry. And now quick, this particular paint is really a nuisance to get rid of."

_That's why you paint with it. Because it doesn't want to leave._

"It's already dry," Hyungwon murmured and got up while keeping one palm on his shoulder, probably to make sure he was stable. "You must use a special composition."

"You probably wanted a pretty picture, but I don't do things like that. That's why I dropped out of art school. Right before my graduation."

"Good job. I couldn't care less about a pretty picture, Hoseok." He heard a sigh as Hyungwon grabbed him below the arms and pulled him to his feet, not caring about the fact that he was undressed. "Everybody draws pretty pictures, all the damn time, but not all of them hang in galleries. You know why? Because it's not only about skill. You can draw a photographic depiction of a human? Cool, but I still won't go to a gallery to see it because I could look at the photo too. It means nothing, because I don't feel anything. This though-" The other man inhaled as he glanced towards the canvas. "This hurt."

A few seconds of silence stretched between them until Hyungwon ripped his gaze away and tugged him along to the kitchen and towards the bathroom, long arm around his waist.

He felt some anger at how Hyungwon acted around him, the big hand around his waist, but the expression on the small face was so genuine that he swallowed it down. It wasn't a game, there were no rules attached, so he might have hurt another person without wanting to. Without them wanting it. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry if I did."

"Don't worry, you didn't do anything I didn't want you to." Glancing in his direction, Hyungwon smiled before kicking the door of the bathroom open with his foot and made a gesture for Hoseok to step into the bathtub. "Please don't tell me we need solvent to get it off."

"We… kind of do. At least if you want to get rid of those lines quickly." Sighing briefly, Hoseok took off his shirt and pants. Hyungwon undressed for him to draw, so there was no point in trying to hide anything. He wasn't shy, and he didn't really care either. The underwear followed, and he stepped into the shower, smiling at the fact that his hands were the colour of the tiles.

"You look like you killed somebody," Hyungwon muttered and began to look through his shelves until he found a can of paint remover in the drawer under the sink. "Just so you know, I'm not leaving that shit on my skin longer than necessary and neither are you."

Stepping into the bathtub, the other man put the can on the shampoo shelf and groaned. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

"I didn't kill anybody, just myself on the daily." Grinning because of Hyungwon's annoyed reaction, Hoseok waited until Hyungwon stood right under the rain shower and turned it on, covering the other man and parts of himself in ice cold water. "So refreshing," he murmured and rubbed the paint from his hands.

"Fuck!" Hyungwon yelled and jumped up on the edge of the tub because he was blocking any other escape route, cursing profoundly and holding onto the wall to keep himself from slipping. Some of the paint liquified and ran down his slim chest and thighs, looking like blood that pooled at his feet before it ran down the edge of the tub and disappeared in the drain. "Refreshing my ass. God, is there something in this house you don't torture yourself with? How about a nice hot shower that makes you feel like you're being hugged, mmh?"

"You're like a kitty," he commented, lips spreading in a grin. "I like that."

The other man's gaze darkened as he kept one palm against the wall to keep his balance and leaned forward. When there were only a few centimetres between their faces, Hyungwon used his free hand and scratched a straight line on his chest, right in the middle but not painful at all. A mark that faded after a few seconds.

"Meow," the black-haired man hissed.

_Cute._

Laughing, Hoseok took an additional portion of the shower gel and rubbed again, getting a bit more of the paint off his hands. "You're a bratty kitty. It's cute."

"Fuck you," Hyungwon commented before reaching for the tap and switching it to warm, turning both of their bodies pink without needing the red paint for it. The other man poured some shower gel into his palm and finally stepped down from the bathtub edge when the water warmed up sufficiently for his taste. "For somebody who keeps talking about providing what others need you definitely don't listen to my needs enough."

"That's because we're not affiliated in any way. For me to create a safe space, I need very specific rules that I talk about with the person involved before I do anything. You just come here and want things. You want a warm shower? Then don't climb into the bathtub with me, kitty. But it has nothing to do with the fact that I shouldn't have involved you in this." Smiling, he took the solvent, stepped back to not get any on the other man and poured it over his hands, watching the red paint flow over the white tub and down the drain.

"For two people who aren't affiliated we are rather close, don't you think?" Hyungwon smiled back and rubbed some more paint off his chest. "I got what I wanted though, didn't I? I don't see the problem with wanting things if they are feasible."

Observing the solvent melting away the paint, the other man sighed.

"How about you create a safe space for yourself first?" Hyungwon asked and switched to the handheld shower to wash the solution off his hands. "One in which you don't etch the skin off your fingers."

"No way. There's no such space and I'm unable to create it. I am in a space but it's anything but safe. If I was safe, we probably wouldn't have met because I wouldn't have painted, and you wouldn't have seen it, felt it, thought that it was a good idea to come here for whatever reasons." Glancing at the man who still had most of his torso covered in paint, Hoseok sighed and took one of the soft sponges that he used when he had to remove paint from his face and mixed solvent with some of the shower gel before reaching for the spot between the other man's long collarbones and wiping off the ropes. Hoseok had painted them, so he would remove them too if he needed to. "Standing close to each other doesn't mean being close, I thought you were aware."

"I didn't say that we're close, Hoseok. I said that we are affiliated. How exactly remains to be seen I suppose." Exhaling softly, the other man closed his eyes and let him rub off the paint, lean arms remaining loose at his sides, slim chest rising and falling in a calm rhythm. "You know, if you can't create it, then maybe you need somebody who can. There's plenty of fish in the sea."

"Others can't either because I don't come out of that place I'm in. Don't bother thinking about it, I’ve spent so much time trying to understand it. Keep being pretty and blank as you are. It suits you." Hoseok made sure to rinse the skin immediately after wiping over it and after some time the ropes disappeared, only slightly pinkish skin remaining under the blood red. It was like a reverse painting. Removing the stains of red he didn't want to see, just to get a picture of the warm emptiness underneath.

"Have you ever thought about that being the problem? That you're the only one trying to understand it?" Hyungwon had opened his eyes in the meantime, observing him intently, as if he could see how much Hoseok preferred the untainted skin.

"If it had been actual ropes you would have some pretty marks now," he commented instead of replying immediately. "I have been close to people and I'm not some person who has lived like this forever. I've been in relationships before. Did they try to help me? I guess they did. What's the conclusion? I got told that I don't ever listen. So, give up."

"You told me that I don't know you," Hyungwon began and leaned against the wall, observing him as the last drops of red disappeared down the drain. "You don't know me either, Hoseok. I never give up."

"That's why…" he started and leaned so close that he could feel the motion of the slim chest as Hyungwon inhaled regularly. It was interesting how there was no effect, but he didn't do it for effect. He did it because he wanted to. "That's why you need to leave this place as soon as possible."

"Two weeks, that's the time frame." Grinning, Hyungwon suddenly leaned in. For a moment he could feel the softness of the other man's lips, how easily they gave into pressure until the softness made way for teeth that bit down on his bottom lip. The sensation was there for no longer than a second before the other man pushed him back and turned off the water. "Let's see who cracks first."

"Only if you are a nice kitty, crawl to me on all fours, rub your puffy cheek against my thigh and ask to be tied up prettily." Hoseok licked over his lips and chuckled, turning the shower to ice cold and covering Hyungwon with it. It must've been fresh.

"You fucking wish," the other man hissed, sounding even more like a cat than when he tried to be. Wrapping his long fingers around his wrist, Hyungwon suddenly curled one leg around his knees, forcing them to bend as he sank into the bathtub. The black-haired man was quick to push him down and climb on top of his lap, as if he knew exactly what he liked without meaning to. Long, wet strands covered Hyungwon's forehead and eyes, adding something wild to the expression on the other man's face, lips parted. "Fucker," the low voice whispered as Hyungwon leaned in, trembling a little from the cold.

_He weighs almost nothing._

"You don't like it? Leave," he hissed, leaning forward and speaking the words against the thick lips that trembled from the cold, drops running down and hitting his chest. His gaze focused on the big round eyes that glared at him from under the soaked bangs and he smirked.

"Fucking make me."

"So, you don't want to leave." Hoseok licked the cold drops from his lips and lifted his upper body without feeling any notable resistance. There was something so incredibly interesting about the small face, the parted lips, the blush that showed that Hyungwon was angry, but the emotion was pure. It was the kind of anger one felt because the situation didn't unfold the way you wanted, or somebody didn't do the things you expected them to. A cute and childish kind of angry. Not the helpless kind Hoseok knew and had to deal with. Hyungwon was a kitten, there was no doubt.

"Would you like to stay sitting on my lap? Is it comfortable? But won't you freeze?" He spoke slowly, voice low before lifting one hand and brushing the tip of his index finger over one of the tiny nipples that was surrounded by goosebumps.

"Shit," Hyungwon gasped and let his eyes flutter shut as the man's thighs flexed and wrapped tighter around him in response. Hoseok was only able to see the way the other man's gorgeous eyelashes threw minimal shadows on his cheeks for a few seconds until big eyes were focused on him again and Hyungwon's hands applied pressure to his chest. Round nails left half moon formed marks above his nipples, like sun rays arranged in a circle. "Your face tells me you like it."

_Do you?_

Hoseok wanted to shut that bratty mouth, but his breaths did get faster, showing a bit of response. It's been quite some time since he had been close to anybody after all.

_But now is a shit time to start, there are no rules and he's just provoking you._

"I told you to leave, but you're still being bratty which is unacceptable." He grinned and decided to pay the other man back as he wrapped one arm around the slim waist and leaned in, closing his lips around the small nipple, sucking once and rolling it between his teeth softly, but with enough pressure to make the bossy demeanor disappear for a split second.

Hyungwon must be sensitive even though he attempted not to show it, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and exhaling roughly through his nose.

"Do you always provide without an invitation?" the low voice asked as fingers sank into his hair and pulled roughly to force him back.

"You invited me to make you leave, sensitive baby. Nice try." Lifting his hand, he grabbed Hyungwon's wrist and pressed down until the other man had to let go. "Instead, let's make it easier. Just say what you want, get rejected and leave." Hoseok smirked and lay back in the tub, observing the blush on the flat chest that developed despite the ice-cold shower. He didn't shiver this time, probably because of how hot the other man's body was on his lap.

"Arrogant little shit," Hyungwon hissed and turned around to shut off the water before taking a deep breath and standing up. "You have no fucking idea what I want and I'm not going to make this easy for you."

The blush remained and was mixed with the gorgeous colour that anger created on Hyungwon's face. Climbing out of the bathtub, the black-haired man grabbed a towel and dried himself quickly before dramatically throwing it to the floor and leaving the room.

_He left after all._

Hoseok chuckled briefly before his gaze focused on the red tiles and he inhaled, turning on the shower and letting it fill the tub with cold water. It numbed his skin and the sound of drops added to the sensation of the water distracted him from his thoughts, or they structured them, turned them into images, so he was able to deal with them better, but was he? Could cooling down his body to the point where he wasn't sure that he existed help him reach the state he wanted to be in? Thoughtless?

He once read that thoughts were the shadows of feelings, dark, empty and simple, but nothing was empty about them. They were filled with the colour that he had tried to drain from them, but no matter how many times he tried to, they remained powerful, truthful and most of all real.

***

Hoseok Lee seemed to possess the remarkable ability to elicit emotions, even without having to cover a canvas with those excruciating feelings of his.

_But this isn’t what you had in mind._

Small provocations were meaningless to Hyungwon. They were only a game that he agreed to play if it benefited him, providing him with another step on the stairs of valuable information. Playing with proximity had turned out to be fruitful and sometimes he even harvested a spark of excitement in the end, basking in its glow until he returned to his nothing.

_But this isn't just a spark._

What Hoseok seemed to provide him with was a whole explosion, coursing through his veins and lighting him up like a chandelier.

Hyungwon was furious as he left the bathroom, only partially dry and with wet bangs that dripped on the parquet floors. He hadn't bothered to take longer than necessary and left as quickly as he was able to. A trail of drops was the proof of that as it followed him all the way past the bed. Hyungwon squeezed out his hair once and lay down on the spacious mattress, soaking a silhouette of his body into it. He didn't care about the wetness and the cold sensation against his skin. For that his body was too hot as he tried to calm his racing heart and the burning anger that remained.

_It's not even about the game he initiated._

Hoseok's provocation wasn't the problem at hand. The problem was that Hyungwon reacted to it like a match. His heartbeat had sped up as if fuelled by the proximity and the teasing words while goose bumps had spread on his skin from the cold but also from excitement.

Hoseok Lee had excited him with his arrogant display of control and his reluctance to give in to him. It wasn't as easy as usual, and the artist didn't want to play according to Hyungwon's rules and reveal more of himself than he considered necessary. But Hyungwon was stubborn and there hadn't been a single time when he failed to reach his goal.

_It's difficult to rile you up like this, but he managed._

That was the reason Hyungwon broke the moment and left, putting some distance between them to calm his anger and make sure he didn't make a mistake. He had two weeks, but that time frame didn't allow for mistakes. Hoseok was a wall much like the one that led to his art studio and Hyungwon had only begun to scratch at the surface.

_You could tell that provoking gets more information out of him, but you mustn't respond like that._

Teasing out the internal world, the consciousness that hid behind Hoseok Lee's black eyes was a challenge Hyungwon gladly accepted, but he had underestimated the effect the other man's art and provocations had on him. It hadn't mattered before, not when Hoseok leaned in, so why now?

_Because he saw some of your weaknesses, a way to affect you._

Groaning in frustration, Hyungwon curled his fingers into fists and tugged at the sheets to get out the excess tension. He knew that living so close resulted in an exchange. The more he wanted to see of Hoseok, the more he might need to show of himself. He knew his own weaknesses and reactions, but the dynamic that developed when Hoseok switched to his ridiculously attractive, provoking self was difficult to predict and tame.

_You like it, you like that he gets to you because he doesn't bore you._

Hoseok loved the blank canvas but Hyungwon detested it. He detested its blandness, like a dish without spices. The same applied to his interactions with others. He hated the simplicity of conversation that didn't provide him with valuable information, something exciting that nobody else knew or hadn't managed to discover yet. Hyungwon wanted to discover it all and live off the excitement that it provided.

_His art also provides you with excitement, but in a different way._

Even though he had calmed down and lay on a bed with soft sheets, the mere thought of the way Hoseok had painted him returned goose bumps to his skin. The other man had used his imagination, covered Hyungwon in the blood red paint that seemed to always be hiding under the darker colors. There must be a secret below every thick layer of dark paint, something that the other man didn't want the world to see.

_He looked so devastated after painting you in ropes, as if he hurt you in the process, tainted something that he considered precious._

If he closed his eyes, Hyungwon could see the expression of relief on the other man's face as he washed the red paint off Hyungwon's body, letting his work disappear down the drain.

_You haven't seen all of him yet. There must be so much more._

Time passed, but Hoseok had still not left the bathroom. At first, Hyungwon wondered if the other man was sulky because he left but considering how much Hoseok yearned for solitude that wasn't an option.

_You gave in in the end, didn't you?_

Losing his temper and eventually pulling a moan from those curved lips had felt like the definition of giving in, but in the end, it had been his departure that left the other man with the last word.

_Because he made you leave, just like you asked him to._

The realization returned another wave of anger as it meant that Hoseok had kept the upper hand, reached his goal without sacrificing anything.

_But you have seen him create, seen him vulnerable._

The instant memory of Hoseok's pale face as he fell to the ground after painting appeared in front of him and Hyungwon couldn't shake off a sense of impending doom.

_What's taking him so long?_

A glance at his phone that still lay on the bedside table only increased his sense of discomfort as more than twenty minutes had passed since he left the other man laying in the shower. There was no way that Hoseok could still be occupied with washing himself, especially after getting rid of the red paint on his hands.

_What if he is doing something stupid? You wouldn't put it past him._

Swallowing down his pride, Hyungwon sat up on the bed. Going back to the bathroom was even worse than storming out. It was the open admittance of defeat, like writing out that leaving had been the wrong decision in the first place.

_But it wasn't, you needed it to calm down and think clearly. You need to understand what it is that he paints, and you can't do that by avoiding confrontation._

Hyungwon never avoided confrontation, so he opened Hoseok's wardrobe, looked for a decent pair of tight boxer briefs and slipped them over his ass. A glance into the mirror revealed his wet hair and the equally wet mark he had left on the sheets.

Brushing a few strands out of his eyes, he made his way back to the bathroom and listened to the complete silence for a few moments.

_What is he doing in there?_

Swallowing down the last bit of hesitation, Hyungwon pushed down the handle and stepped into the bathroom.

It was silent, almost as if there was no human around, only the clear water that covered the pale body that he could only distinguish from the white of the bathtub because it was covered in black ink. His gaze travelled higher to the closed eyes and bluish lips that trembled a bit and he felt himself exhale, feeling a bit at ease because his thoughts had suggested worse.

_He's fucking crazy._

His mind was racing as his eyes jumped over the other man's deathly white skin and tried to assess how bad the damage was and how long Hoseok had lain in the icy bathtub without moving.

_His lips are blue and he's shaking._

Hyungwon hurried to the bathtub and looked for the plug, realising that Hoseok had merely blocked the drain with his body instead of bothering to prepare a bath.

_As if he just remained where you left him and didn't bother._

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he whispered and instantly turned the water to warm before reaching into the tub and wrapping his hands around the other man. "Get out immediately."

The black eyes opened and Hoseok inhaled so deeply that it seemed as if the other man hadn't been breathing and he was so fucking cold that he had to fight against the immediate wish to move away. "What do you want?" the low voice breathed out as if the artist hadn't been cooling down his body to a degree that it felt like ice and the curved lips looked blue.

"For you to get the fuck out of this tub," he replied and turned the water even warmer. Doing it gradually was important to make sure that Hoseok didn't burn himself because of the sudden change in temperature. Again, he tried to use his strength to get Hoseok to sit up and finally managed, letting the tub drain and be replaced by the warmer water then rained down on the other man and Hyungwon's naked back. "Are you trying to die? Not on my watch."

"I won't die like this. It takes a lot to kill me. And why would it be on your watch? You're here by chance." Hoseok sighed and wrapped his tattooed fingers around the edge of the tub. "You sound angry. It's pretty."

_This isn't the time to consider your anger pretty._

"Me being here by chance doesn't change anything about the fact that you're not going to freeze in a fucking tub while I'm here," he muttered as he stepped back to grab a thick towel and wrapped it around the other man's shoulders. "Come here, you muscular baby."

"I really need to gag you, this is torture," the low voice commented, blue lips lifting in a grin. "Don't worry, there's nothing to worry about." Hoseok stood up and barely managed to step over the edge of the tub, stumbling towards the door.

_You're going to kill him yourself at this point, aren't you?_

Hyungwon couldn't believe that the other man was so stubborn, pretending to be alright when he was obviously barely keeping himself conscious. Hoseok had managed to make his way into the bedroom, swaying a little and Hyungwon had to really fight the urge to push him and show him that he was anything but fine.

"If I push you once, will there still be nothing to worry about?" he asked and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"I might lose balance but it's temporary. Why do you care? Because I didn't continue sucking on your nipple?" The blonde man leaned against one side of the cupboard, eyes rolling back, and fluttering shut as a long exhale left the parted mouth and Hoseok didn't bother to inhale.

_He's so fucking self-destructive._

Hyungwon could tell how Hoseok was trying to provoke him again and distract from how fucking terrible and dizzy he must be feeling. It was stubborn to keep pretending even though Hyungwon might have done the same in the other man's shoes.

_But this isn't the time for playing the big, strong man._

"Shut up and come here," he muttered and grabbed Hoseok's wrist before pulling him towards the bed and pushing him down on the sheets. They were still a little wet, but if Hyungwon avoided those patches the blanket should provide enough heat to bring colour back to those cheeks.

Ignoring whatever the other man muttered as a comment, he climbed on top of the muscular thighs and reached for the blanket, arranging it around Hoseok's cold body. Hyungwon must have seemed like a heating pad in comparison.

Hoseok observed him throughout with a hint of curiosity in those black eyes. "I see kitty has no idea about personal space," the other man muttered, breathing roughly a few times with his eyes closed before returning the intense gaze Hyungwon already knew by heart. "Are you the cuddly type?" Cold arms wrapped around him and Hoseok pulled him on top of himself until their chests met, sending shivers down his spine because of how cold the tattooed skin was. There was a brief spark in the dark gaze that he could see so well because of how close they were. It was clear that Hoseok was trying to provoke him, but at the same time there was more. It couldn't be provocation only, or did he make this up? "I guess this is what hugging a corpse must feel like."

_Does he enjoy the warmth without admitting to it?_

"Do I feel like fire then?" he whispered against the other man's jaw, eyes remaining focused to not miss a second of the expression on Hoseok's face. He couldn't understand what had motivated the other man to freeze in a bathtub if he was able to return to his playful and provocative self in a matter of seconds. What was on Hoseok's mind that turned freezing into something desirable?

"Have you ever had someone pour hot wax on your skin? It feels like that a little bit. First it doesn't feel like anything at all, it was a long time in the cold water, so the skin is numb, but when the feeling returns it just hurts all over. And you concentrate it with your warm body, on my thighs and chest."

_Is he saying that he's in pain?_

"Do you hate it?" he muttered and tried to lift his upper body a little, but it was difficult to fight against the strength of Hoseok's arms. Even in a frozen state the other man was physically superior. "You're one damn strong popsicle."

"Do you like it?" Hoseok asked back and smirked. "Want to leave again? Feel free. It burns with or without you."

_His mind, how the heck are you supposed to get past those devastating comments?_

"I don't want to leave. I merely don't want to hurt you," he breathed out and decided against standing up. There was no security that Hoseok wouldn't do anything else idiotic. Instead of keeping the bit of distance he had been able to create, Hyungwon simply lay down on the other man's ice-cold body and arranged his arms on each side of the pale face. The blanket made it more bearable and he wondered how he had gotten himself into this situation.

_When you started you didn't think you'd end up lying on a naked Ok Seho trying to raise his body temperature._

"I don't want to hurt you either, that's why I'm telling you to leave and instead of doing what I tell you to, you chose to provoke me and lie on top of me. Why?" Hoseok licked over his bluish lips that slowly started gaining their light pink colour back.

_But you're not the only one, he's doing the same._

"I don't like being told what to do," he replied and couldn't resist closing his lips around the prominent collarbone, warming it up with his breaths and tongue.

"We're not meant to be," Hoseok chuckled. "Because telling the other person what to do is the only way I can be close to anybody and be sure that they won't hurt me."

_Holy shit._

The words shocked him, but Hyungwon didn't want to make it obvious, so he stretched out his legs and wrapped himself more around the other man, hoping to warm him up more without being somebody that hurt him.

"Have I hurt you?" he asked to make sure, wondering if any of the things he had done to achieve his goal have resulted in Hoseok acting that way towards him. Had he overdone it? Missed the signs?

_It's unlike you to care though. Why do you?_

It must have been the way Hoseok said it, as if it didn't matter and getting hurt had become his reality, just another drop of the poison he was forced to drink everyday. The people Hyungwon usually dealt with weren't like that, not like the paint that he had tried to understand all this time.

_You underestimated this, but you can't give up._

"No. You are definitely a person that shouldn't be anywhere near me, but you are, and you shift to be even closer, as if my words don't mean anything. I just explained why I don't get close to anybody just like that. There are always rules and it involves me putting pretty ropes on them, blindfolding and telling them what to do. You said you don't like being told what to do and I'm telling you we are two people who shouldn't be close to each other." Hoseok spoke slowly, dark gaze observing him before he felt ice cold fingers on his back.

"But we are, so how do your words change anything?" He shifted once more and wondered why he began to enjoy being close despite Hoseok's warnings. It wasn't exciting, but still it was welcome, like the fresh ocean breeze he was missing so much. "Would tying up my hands and blindfolding me change anything about the type of person I am? I doubt it."

He paused for a few moments and inhaled the scent of showergel that mixed with a tiny hint of paint that had remained. Maybe it was impossible for Hoseok to get rid of the scent, much like he couldn't get rid of the red paint that seemed to be hiding under each of his paintings.

_It's calming, so why do you like it? There is nothing to gain._

"For two people that shouldn't be close, this sure feels nice," he whispered.

"You're not a person who wants that, that's why I don't want to tie you up or blindfold you. I just want you to leave, but instead of leaving…" Inhaling sharply, the blonde man shifted under him, removing his cold fingertips from his back. "Instead you're trying to prevent me from doing the things I always do."

_The things he always does?_

His eyes widened, and he lifted up to be able to see Hoseok's face, checking if the other man's lips had regained their previous colour and if he had understood the last comment correctly.

"Are you telling me you freeze yourself on a regular basis? What are you? An instant pizza?"

"I am myself, that's more than enough reason to do it. And what are you?" Suddenly, Hoseok rolled over, hovering over him, both thighs on each side of his hips with a grin and tickling his forehead with his ice-cold bangs that still hadn’t dried. "A microwave I never ordered?"

Hyungwon gasped at first before blowing up air to make the soaked blonde strands fly up briefly before they fell right back. The switch was sudden, and he wondered how much of it was Hoseok compensating for revealing his thoughts.

"Don't tell me you wouldn't be happy about free shit," he commented and grinned back. "Microwaves are expensive and I'm gorgeous as an extra."

"I don't care about free shit but you're definitely acting like a microwave I never ordered. And then again… never ordered doesn't mean that I won't be charged for it, does it?" Leaning closer the cold lips briefly touched his neck before stopping right next to his ear. "Why can't you leave me alone, huh?"

"You're hot," Hyungwon replied, using the only halfway decent explanation he could think of. It fit his behavior and maybe it worked as an excuse for his unusual interest. "I got curious because of the way your art makes me feel and after I saw you that interest changed a little."

_A lie, but good enough._

"I see. That's why you didn't give a shit when I tried to make you leave the first time, being unimpressed by me breathing into your ear like I'm doing now, so, lies. You don't care about me being hot or whatever, I make you angry because I'm not doing what you want, but what is it that you want from me? That's what I still don't get. You have a picture, you can sell it for a few thousand, what else could you want? You're not an obsessed fan publishing their shitty interpretations of my art on the Internet and you're not a reporter because there would be an article by now, titled 'The secret house of the crazy artist', with pictures and my address." The low voice breathed against the shell of his ear and Hoseok moved his head, changing the breathing pattern and the exhales that hit his skin once right under his ear, then lower.

_He's wrong about one thing._

"I don't care about money, Hoseok," he murmured and couldn't help but enjoy the sensation of hot breaths against his skin, the anticipation that built along with Hoseok's lips that travelled lower. It felt good and even though this wasn't part of his plan, Hyungwon couldn't really get himself to deny it. "I care about the truth and currently I can't help caring about the way your lips might feel on my neck."

"You do? Then maybe…" Hoseok breathed out and he could feel a smile against his neck before the cool mouth touched his skin right below his ear, soft like a cloud, accompanied by licks in between that spiked up his arousal, especially when he felt teeth nibbling on his neck and he leaned into the touch. "Then maybe you should leave."

Suddenly the touch disappeared just like the body on top of him as Hoseok quickly walked towards the cupboard, put on his linen pants and a long sleeve shirt he had at least 20 of and… left, broad back disappearing through the door built into the kitchen wall.

_He's just like the spark he creates, intense but fleeting._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 4**

Everything about his routine was the same, just that his guest managed to ruin it all, showing with every pore of his body that he wasn’t supposed to be here, to be in this house or anywhere close to him.

_He’s sniffing around the door and you don’t like it._

If having another person would’ve given him peace of mind, prevented him from going back to the gallery, he would’ve surrounded himself with people until he collapsed because he had no resources anymore, but…

_But it doesn’t. It just makes you more aware of everything that is wrong with you, of the things you do to at least have those few moments of solitude, of no regrets and no accusations. But those things seem crazy to him, don’t they? That’s why he’s trying to save you._

Hoseok had to laugh, setting up another canvas after putting the previous painting to the side to dry. It was hopeless. He was hopeless. There was nothing to save because the problem had always been him. Usually one saved the one thing from hell, but he and hell were forever connected because he moved there, closing the door from the inside and roaming the gallery for years, looking at the pictures that made it so hard to live but at the same time he couldn’t die either. It was an existence in between. No longer human.

_He got a glimpse and he can’t watch you. You know it. Nobody can. That’s why you’re alone._

He needed to eat and to drink. He might have stayed in the tub for a little too long and he should’ve paid attention to that, but…

_But you do it every fucking time, waiting until you can’t feel anymore, wait until you faint, wait until the gallery takes you back and shows you another piece that you hoped to never see again. But here it is, so clear and not blurry at all, unlike your sight. You overdid it, didn’t you? Why can’t you pay enough attention to keep your body going? At least that, that’s your only job and even at that you suck as if it’s hard. It’s not hard, it’s only hard because you hate yourself so fucking much._

Throwing his head back, he groaned and quickly walked to the containers of paint, taking the bordeaux one and stopping at the blank canvas to stare at it. Painting his self hatred was so easy, it was like painting faces in art school, after the twentieth time he could look at it once and then draw it with his eyes closed. He knew the steps by heart.

_Is it so apparent because he is here?_

Maybe. But maybe he shouldn’t paint it. There were so many other things that made him want to go back to the icy tub, so he leaned against the glass and let the sun warm his back that was still cold, resembling the candle wax warmth of the slim body on top of him.

_The way he is angry at you because you don’t take care of yourself… in the end it’s always you._

Hoseok grabbed one of the brushes, the thinner one, and started putting a figure on the canvas. A small figure with tiny hands that curled around its knees, round eyes that looked up in fear and a parted mouth.

_But you can’t feel bad for him. You can’t._

This time he made it more realistic, put more effort into the figure, drew the tears and the knuckles that held on so tightly that it looked painful. At least that. That was the least he could do for the person on his canvas. When he finished, Hoseok stepped back and took a thick brush, drawing a circle around the boy, keeping him in the bubble.

_But it’s still scary, isn’t it? No matter whether you’re in a bubble or not, because the things behind his eyes are still there and you can’t take them out. You can’t._

His eyes burned. It hurt, it hurt so much that he gasped and quickly took the dark paint, mixing a palette together, this time with less black, to make it less scary maybe.

Maybe.

The time must’ve passed because it had gotten dark and he didn’t turn on the light. He just painted the canvas, covered the boy in thick strokes, more and more layers of paint, but the feeling remained no matter how thick the cover was. There was the same feeling staying underneath.

Forcing himself to put the brush away, Hoseok pressed his back against the cool glass and gasped again, wiping some of the liquid on his face with the sleeve of his shirt. But he couldn’t feel bad. He couldn’t.

_Because if you feel bad for him, you will have to feel bad for yourself._

The painting was finished, and he couldn’t even see the colours properly because of how dark it was. Only the moonlight gave a bit of a glimpse, a nicer impression of what it was.

Hoseok washed the brushes and closed the paint containers to keep the studio clean. It was pleasant in the moonlight, as if he had dreamed all of it. Only that when his eyes travelled to the trees outside, something else caught his gaze. Instead of looking at the gorgeously lit up tree tops, Hoseok met a pair of big eyes, recognizing a figure that looked at him from the outside.

Hyungwon was standing next to one of the bigger trees on the soft grass outside the house, left hand holding onto the bark as the other man observed him. There was something different about the usually calm and controlled features, a hint of shock that wasn't instantly obvious and only expressed itself through widened eyes and what looked like indecisiveness in the way Hyungwon's fingers travelled over the tree bark.

_Has he been watching you paint?_

Hoseok didn’t know, but his guest looked mildly freaked out. Understandable, considering what kind of a mess he was. He hoped that the time would pass faster, so the person on the other side of the glass could go back to the place he came from. A safe place where one could simply exist, thinking that nothing bad could happen to you.

_It’s like reality. You are in your studio with your hell painted on canvases, and he is outside in nature, breathing the night air and staring at you like the weirdo you are._

Smiling to himself because of the precise comparison, Hoseok slowly walked towards the glass, stopping right in front of it, pressing his forehead against the cool surface, eyes focused on the other man’s face.

Instead of turning around and running back into the house as Hyungwon should have, those big eyes remained fixated on him and the slim body moved closer towards the glass, all the way until he stood right in front of it. It was dark and only the outline of Hyungwon’s face, the shape of his jaw, was illuminated by the moonlight. Swallowing once, motion obvious because of one of the few rays of light on the other man’s neck, Hyungwon lifted his right hand, carefully pressing it against the glass. The other man’s fingertips almost seemed as if they intended to stroke over his cheek as they slipped lower until they reached the height of his neck.

_What is he doing?_

Instead of thinking about it, Hoseok played along, briefly letting his eyes flutter shut from exhaustion that he was suddenly aware of, just like his lack of food intake and the dehydration that made him lick his lips, only to feel thirstier. He lifted his hand, and carefully traced the other man's fingers, smiling at how long they were.

Hyungwon kept his eyes focused on his face and when their hands were aligned he saw the hint of a smile on the other man’s mouth.

'Will you come out?' the plump lips mouthed, barely recognizable in the darkness that surrounded them.

'Why?' he mouthed back. 'Do you want me to?' He smiled because it was so special to stand in the completely silent studio and mouth questions to somebody who was on the other side of the thick glass. Hyungwon probably didn't understand him anyway.

Instead of mouthing a reply, Hyungwon merely nodded slowly, fingers curling up against his own through the glass. The difference between the silence of the studio and the outside was so obvious, visible in the way the other man’s long hair moved with the wind.

Hoseok felt strange, as if he was dreaming and couldn’t do anything about it even though his legs felt okay, and he could've gone outside. The door was just a few meters away, but he couldn't make himself move.

'I think… that my place is in here,' he mouthed again, chewing on his lips and curling his fingers too, wondering how it would feel to be able to touch without the glass. Would the fingers be warmer than his, or colder from standing outside? Was it better to stay that way? Was it safer to keep the glass between them?

This time Hyungwon shook his head. The moonlight travelled from the other man's jaw to his lips through the motion and showed Hoseok that they were slightly parted and nice to look at. The same applied to the brown eyes that lit up as soon as light hit them for the moment that Hyungwon turned his head.

'Come here,' the plump lips formed as Hyungwon added his second hand to the glass, leaning close enough to have his breath fog over the space between them. 'Come here, Hoseok.'

It might have been ridiculous, but the calling sounded magical in his head, as if he had to come to see what was there, just like he was pulled towards a certain picture in the gallery and was forced to look at it. Nodding briefly, he kept his gaze on the patches of green to not suddenly change his mind because he knew how easy it was, especially because he felt nervous. There was some of the fear knocking on his consciousness and asking him to go back because it was safe, but was it really?

Turning the lock and stepping outside, he gasped at the wind and the pleasant breeze, sucked in a deep breath before his eyes focused on Hyungwon who was still standing next to the big tree and observing him. The other man's hair moved in the wind and something about the situation felt surreal, like a dream of his that was going to return him to the gallery any second.

"Come here," Hyungwon said again and this time he was able to hear it even though the wind whistled in his ears.

Somehow his feet didn't want to move anymore, as if he had used up the magic of the moment to come out and now…

_Now you feel that your place is inside and that it's unpredictable._

"I can't. I came out and now you need to come here," he said, wrapping his arms around himself, suddenly feeling cold.

Instead of leaving him where he was as Hyungwon should have, the other man smiled suddenly, expression visible because now it was Hoseok who remained in the dark whereas the moon lit up Hyungwon's features. There was no hesitation, only quick steps that bridged the distance between them until he suddenly felt slim arms around his shoulders and neck, embracing him tightly. Hyungwon's hot breaths tickled his cheek and long fingers raked through his hair, surrounding him with warmth.

"I did," Hyungwon whispered into his ear.

Hoseok didn't know what he expected, but it surely wasn't the feeling that the embrace caused, the warmth and dizziness that followed when some time passed, and it didn't disappear and he curled his arms around the slim waist and pulled the man closer. Why did he do that? What changed? There was no rule and no agreement, they just stood outside of his house and held each other.

_Or it's you who is being held._

"How does it feel?" Hyungwon whispered after several long moments during which fingers roamed over his back. There was no aim, no reason for Hyungwon to act the way he did.

"Tiring. My mind keeps trying to explain it, but it doesn't sound good," he whispered, inhaling a mix of his shower gel and Hyungwon's scent.

"That's not what I meant."

Playing with his hair, Hyungwon let his index finger trace the shell of his ear before elaborating. "How does it feel to be a filled canvas?"

_A filled canvas?_

"I'm not sure because I'm not a filled canvas. I fill them, but I myself am not. I think being a filled canvas is also better than being… well- me. Because a filled canvas might have something underneath, a cover, a motif, an emotion, but it's finished. It has its own calm because there is nothing that will happen to it anymore. I, on the other hand, am in my gallery and it never stops. The gallery is filled, but it's unstructured and messy, it's full and you can't choose what you want to look at. None of it is nice or pretty, most of it are things I want to forget, things I've drawn before hoping to fill the canvas and make it leave but it doesn't. That's why I am… somewhat fascinated by you because you're blank. The way you sleep has something magical to it."

"Is… this gallery the reason you cannot sleep?" As if he was using his fingers to talk, Hyungwon's hand travelled from his jaw to his face and he felt the other man's fingertips trace the shape of his eyes, causing him to shut them.

"I am the reason. For most of the things. But if I think about it, it might be the fact that when I manage to close my eyes for a short moment, the dreams that I have are a horror version of the gallery, so it's better to not sleep at all. That's why I pass out quite often. Sometimes for hours. That's why I said to leave me lying there if I lose consciousness."

Hyungwon hummed and leaned his head against his shoulder, listening to him. "Has anyone ever been in your gallery, Hoseok?" the low voice asked finally as warm breaths continued to brush over his neck.

"No. It's locked from the inside. But it's me. The gallery can't exist without me and I can't exist without the gallery. We're one," he whispered, chewing on his lips.

Suddenly Hyungwon lifted his head to look at him and the embrace loosened, just enough for warm hands to cup his face. The expression in those big eyes was difficult to read, but somehow it felt like Hoseok was seeing more of the other man than before, more than Hyungwon had allowed him to see.

"Then I want to be the first one to see it."

_No way._

Hoseok wanted to explain that it was hell, that living hurt because of it and that Hyungwon shouldn't want to see anything like that, but in the end, he could've just replied with a very simple fact. Namely that he had locked it and had forgotten how to open the door.

Leaning back, he observed the shadows playing around the small face. His mind was urging him to push the person away because everybody who got close only tried to hurt him, but his body detested the loneliness that he had brought upon himself, hiding in the gallery and throwing away the key.

"You can't," he whispered as a strong breeze let his bangs fly up. "But you can watch what it does to me, feel helpless and then angry, tell me to do this or that, scream that I won't ever change, that I won't ever listen, that it's all my own fault and I will nod at you, turn around and go back there and stare at the additional regret added up on that gigantic canvas that gives me nothing but the desire to vomit." He sighed and let his gaze travel to Hyungwon's lips. "But I admit that you make me want to taste you and taint the perfect canvas that you are."

_But you won't because you only make it worse._

Hyungwon's eyes were dark and despite his words the other man's hands remained on his skin, sliding from his cheeks to his neck and finally his shoulders.

"Do it," the low voice whispered suddenly, strong despite the loud wind that tried to erase its sound.

Hoseok smiled and shook his head, one hand reaching for the plump lips and stroking over them with his thumb. They were so soft. "No. I don't think there's any space for more regrets on that canvas. Let's go inside."

He could see disappointment on Hyungwon's face as the other man pressed his lips into a thin line and grabbed his wrist, holding on tightly.

"Maybe not on your canvas." Sighing, Hyungwon stepped back but didn't let go of his wrist, tugging him along towards the front door. A glance at the other man's free hand revealed that he had the key. "I cooked, let's eat."

"Don't be sad, you're not missing out on anything. Did you eat?" Hoseok chewed on his bottom lip and it felt like sandpaper, at this point he could've hurt the soft mouth with his cracked lips. Chuckling because somehow the thought was funny to him, he contemplated following Hyungwon, but inhaled deeply instead and leaned down, taking the other man who was dressed in a long sleeve shirt and jeans that he couldn't wear because they were too tight and threw him over his shoulder. "Let's eat."

Hyungwon yelped loudly before slapping his back with what Hoseok suspected must have been the other man's maximum strength. It didn't hurt and only the sound of the slap that echoed around them suggested that there was some power behind it.

_Cute._

"God, I'm not your fucking doll, Hoseok," the other man exclaimed and tried to scratch him this time. Hoseok used the moment to carry the other man inside through the door to the studio and all the way to the kitchen. There were two plates on the table that Hoseok wasn't even aware of owning and a filled pot stood on the stove. It smelled like chicken and spices.

"Let me go!" Hyungwon yelled again and managed to grab a fistful of his hair before pulling roughly.

"You're not my doll, you're a kitty and you act like a kitty which is adorable." Hoseok laughed and slapped the other man's butt once, before placing him back and letting his feet touch the kitchen floor. "I can't believe you actually cooked."

Hyungwon glared at him with eyes full of contempt as he brushed away imaginary dust from clothes that didn’t belong to the other man in the first place.

“What else was I supposed to do? Live off out of date instant noodles? That’s not it, Hoseok.” Pursing his lips, Hyungwon pulled open a drawer and took out a ladle that Hoseok had also not been aware of owning. Using it, the other man filled one of the deep plates with what looked like chicken soup including noodles, potatoes, meat and what must have been carrots and something green. “It’s nothing special, just chicken soup.”

"You're nuts," he murmured, walking to the tap and drinking three glasses of water in a row. "I don't eat noodles, more like sweet stuff and protein bars, but you don't know as you haven’t sniffed around in the studio yet."

“Then why do you have all those cup noodles on the shelves if you don’t eat them?” Hyungwon shook his head at him and gestured for him to sit down at the table as he placed the plate of soup on one side and returned to the stove to fill his own.

_Because Hyunwoo put them there._

“Did you even use this table before?” the black-haired man remarked with a raised eyebrow as he sat down himself and stuffed a spoonful of soup into his mouth. It looked graceful somehow even though Hyungwon seemed to have a huge mouth.

"I do use the table, but mostly to discuss stuff with my agent. He's also the one who put the noodles there, complaining that he has nothing to eat when he comes here." He had only looked at his phone once during the past few days, where was it even? Taking the spoon, Hoseok kept his gaze on Hyungwon's face as he chewed.

_The haribo sour worms didn't kill your taste buds yet, hallelujah._

“You have an agent that lives off out of date cup noodles?” Again, Hyungwon’s perfectly formed eyebrow rose as the other man slurped some soup from his spoon. “I am disappointed by your taste in people. You can definitely do better than that.”

"He's the only person that can handle me." Hoseok chuckled and ate more of the soup. It was good. "He loves eating but I don't have anything over here, so he helps himself with the noodles. And you…" he started and lifted one eyebrow, "... think that you're a better choice to surround myself with?"

"Yeah." The other man didn't even hesitate for a single second and looked at him as if it was an unnecessary question. "Do you think that I can't handle you?"

"I can't even handle myself, kitty, why would anybody else be able to? Your demanding behaviour only provokes me and that's it. But the soup is tasty." He grinned and finished up, stuffing the plate and spoon into the dishwasher he didn't know how to use. "You watched me paint and now you think that you know me? Don't make me laugh."

"I'm not stupid, Hoseok." Hyungwon sighed and took the plate and spoon back out before placing them in the sink, beginning to wash them along with his own. "I don't think that I know you after seeing a single painting. But I want to."

A smile spread the voluminous lips. "You kept wanting to know what it is that I'm here for, right? Well, now you know."

He leaned against the sink, watching the big hands quickly wash the dishes and chewed on his lips. His unwanted guest didn't make any sense. "I don't," he whispered, hypnotised by the regular motions.

"I just told you." Hyungwon sighed and washed the dish soap off his right fingers before reaching out for his jaw and brushing over the skin below his lips briefly. "I want to get to know you."

_Oh no._

Letting go, the other man finished cleaning the last plate and arranged everything to dry. "I would have used the dishwasher, but you don't have any tabs for it. Unfortunately, that's also not on the list of emergency things for a lockdown. Feel free to eat more of the soup when you're hungry. I made a lot."

"Okay, listen, Hyungwon, this is a shit idea," Hoseok started and stepped closer, taking the other man's round chin between thumb and index finger, tilting the head so he had all the attention he needed. "Stop being interested in me, stop getting me out of my bathtub and stop cooking for me. Understood?"

"Too late," the other man muttered before slapping his hand away and refocusing his attention on a sponge that he used to wipe over the table even though it wasn't necessary. When he was done, Hyungwon looked up again. "What is underneath the painting you gifted to me?"

Inhaling deeply, he used the only instrument that worked and leaned down, taking Hyungwon and throwing him over his shoulder before carrying him to the bedroom. Feeling better after the meal, he threw the slim body on the mattress. "My wish to be left alone," he hissed and glanced to the side, staring at the pure devastation, pressed onto a tiny canvas that stood on the bedside table as if it was its spot.

_Why does he manage to change everything?_

"Liar," Hyungwon whispered instead of cursing him out for manhandling him. The other man was lying on the sheets, long black hair complimenting the dark grey. Long fingers reached for his shirt and entangled with the fabric before tugging suddenly, forcing him on top of the slim body on his bed.

Hoseok inhaled, feeling the anger bubble up and mix with the strange tingling against his skin, the crawling up his spine and the hot breaths against his jaw.

"Why can't you leave me alone?" he hissed, fisting the sheets and chewing on his lips from the adrenaline, from the wish to do something.

"You want to know?" Hyungwon tugged more until those plump lips brushed over his. "Then answer my questions instead of manhandling me onto a bed. One might think you have different intentions."

Suddenly, Hyungwon lifted one of his long legs that had ended up between his own and easily let it travel over his groin.

"You'll be hurt if I throw you on the floor or fined if I throw you out, so the bed is the only place I can throw you on." Hoseok smirked because he wasn't wearing underwear and the other man must have realized. "I won't answer your questions because it's not your fucking business. You're so demanding for somebody who ended up here by chance. You want to get to know me? I paint because otherwise I want to die, I can't take care of myself because all I think about is self-hatred. I live in the gallery I created to feel safe, however, it's not fucking safe, but the thing is that I threw away the key, so I can't leave, and I don't want to let anybody in there. I tie people up and I have sex with them because restraining others with ropes, edging them and creating a safe space where I can live out my dominant side is what gets me going, not your bony leg rubbing my soft dick. Got to know me enough? Then leave."

Hyungwon inhaled sharply and he could see how those perfectly controlled features briefly flickered into anger. His words must have gotten to the other man and the grip on his shirt got firmer. Whether it was voluntary or not he couldn't tell. There was something inherently attractive about Hyungwon's face when he was furious, the way his eyebrows pulled together, how his lips pressed into a thin line before relaxing and turning even redder and plumper than they had been.

_Pretty._

Hoseok was able to observe the thoughts rushing through Hyungwon's mind, as he tried to decide what to do, how to pay him back for treating him the way he did. What the handsome man under him didn't know was that there was no point in paying him back because he himself made sure to pay twice for everything he did. For every little thing, every word, every goodbye that he didn't want but still carried through with, everything just to stay alone in his gallery, staring at paintings of his demons and thinking that it was safe even though it was hell.

The anger in the big eyes was familiar, not mixed with hurt yet, but it wasn’t far, was it? He only waited for the warm body to push him away, disappear from his sight accompanied by words that would rip through the door crack right into his gallery to stay there, hurt him more if that was still possible. He was waiting for it because that’s what he kept doing to stay alone. To be the only one who he could blame everything on.

_He should leave._

Hyungwon should have.

***

_If only you could see right through._

Hoseok hadn't only been hiding in his studio, standing behind thick glass and painting what looked like memories on the blank canvases before covering it all in black. The artist was also hiding his mind behind thick glass, inaccessible to Hyungwon even though he was so close, right next to the other man with his arms around his neck.

_How are you supposed to get through if the usual methods don't work on him?_

Being there wasn't enough, being nice wasn't enough and most importantly even being close wasn't enough. Hoseok was a locked door and only his art seemed to provide Hyungwon with an idea of what it might be that is hiding in the gallery the artist kept talking about.

_It must be a living hell._

Hyungwon had quickly realized that he needed to see how Hoseok painted when he was alone, what motif he used when Hyungwon wasn't there to be covered in ropes made of blood-red paint. He needed to see to understand, so he stole the keys and snuck out to observe Hoseok through the glass of his studio. He didn't know what he had expected to see, but it wasn't that.

_You didn't expect to see so much fear._

The original painting had been difficult to look at, causing a sensation of dread to spread through his chest that he had never felt before. Still, Hyungwon looked, observed as Hoseok broke down and wiped away tears that developed before covering it all up and leaving colors that still made Hyungwon feel, but differently.

_You didn't know that this is what he paints, nobody did._

To be honest, Hyungwon didn't have a proper explanation for his actions, not for asking the other man to join him outside the house, in the wind, and for wrapping his arms around his neck.

_You wanted to see behind the glass, but he isn't letting you._

Maybe it was because he couldn't understand, couldn't really grasp what must have been going on inside the artist's head. Usually Hyungwon was convinced that enough information and effort was going to reveal the truth, fulfill his goal, but this time he wasn't too sure.

_Will you even be able to understand it once you see?_

Hyungwon wanted to. He wanted to get behind the locked door of the gallery Hoseok spoke of and see what was hiding within, what terrified and terrorized the other man enough to hurt himself and be unable to sleep.

_You've never seen anybody like him before. That's why you are struggling, why he gets to you._

The artist was right about him being a blank canvas, empty through and through.

_But he's overflowing, and you can't be sure that your hands are big enough to catch it all._

In one moment, it seemed like he was getting past the glass, getting a glimpse of the paintings that Hoseok covered up, but it was only a brief moment, a second. The artist revealed something about himself, just a single sentence, but as soon as Hyungwon asked for more there was a playful smirk, the attempt to compensate for what must have been hiding on the inside.

If only Hyungwon could have remained calm, continued asking the right questions the way he always did, but not with Hoseok.

_He has just the right words to make you furious, to make you feel like a child that doesn't understand._

He wanted to scream and lash out, to rip that smirk off the other man's face and show him that he had underestimated him.

_He thinks you were trying to arouse him, but he hasn't fucking seen you try yet._

Hyungwon stared at the face above him as the anger boiled in his chest and his thoughts began to get messy, jumping from one possibility to the next. He didn't need to play according to Hoseok's rules to bring about an effect, there was no need for that and he couldn't wait to make those round eyes roll back and realise that leaving was the last thing the artist wanted him to do.

_But he's trying to provoke you, make you leave again._

"I'm not going anywhere," he hissed and instead of pushing the other man away or lashing out as he wanted to at first, he did the opposite. Using his left leg, he let it travel over Hoseok's muscular thigh before wrapping it around his hips. It felt good, so he tightened the grip just enough to be able to lift his own hips higher, partially brushing over Hoseok's who probably felt more because he hadn't bothered to put on underwear. Hyungwon's grip on the other man's shirt loosened and he stroked over the muscular chest instead, caressing the warm skin underneath the long sleeve shirt all the way to the pale neck and protruding ears.

The fingers of his left hand traced the delicate jaw in the meantime, reaching for the curved lips and drawing their shape. Hyungwon enjoyed the feel of the texture and found himself forgetting the actual goal of the action. He still wanted to get to the other man and anger wasn't going to get him there, not without losing his self control.

Brushing over the slightly cracked bottom lip, he looked up at the black eyes, inhaling through his nose.

"Don't tell me what to do, Hoseok," he whispered and purposefully applied pressure to his thumb to part those curved lips and pull the bottom one down. First, he thought that he imagined it, but there was something black on it, so he applied more pressure, getting curious.

The black eyes observed him and Hoseok remained in place, not moving a single bit when he uncovered black writing on the inside of the other man’s bottom lip. The word ‘Dominant’ tattooed on the pink flesh.

_Fuck- that's hot._

Suddenly Hoseok caught his wrist, causing the writing in black ink to disappear from his sight and replacing it with the other man’s pink tongue that slid over the soft surface. Leaning closer, the black eyes observed him with a hint of curiosity. He saw those curved lips part and the pink tip of the other man’s tongue touch his own upper lip before Hoseok caught the bottom one with his teeth, pulling it a bit before letting go.

“Don’t try to play with me, kitty,” the low voice whispered.

"But I want to," he murmured, mesmerized by the expression on Hoseok's face, by the role the other man seemed to slip into so easily. A role he engraved on his body.

_Holy shit._

Sinking both hands into the soft blonde strands, he lifted up from the mattress and clashed their lips together. Heat developed in his abdomen and Hyungwon couldn't help his desire to fuel it, to let it spread all the way through his body.

_Fill the empty canvas that you are._

It took about a second of him leading until he felt Hoseok’s fingers in his hair, pulling and tilting his head back, baring his neck that the other man looked at with a gaze so dangerous but at the same time arousing that Hyungwon felt his stomach contract at how those eyes looked at him.

_Since when are you like this?_

Licking his lips, the other man leaned in and licked a stripe along his jugular before he felt teeth pulling at his skin, making him burn up along with the iron grip he was held in. Despite the position, Hoseok didn’t hurt him. It was pure arousal, teasing and intense caresses, bites and touches, a fire burning from his neck right to his groin, fueled by the curved mouth and that gaze.

He gasped out loud, eyes fluttering shut as his hands slipped from the other man's hair and landed on the sheets next to his head. It felt good, good enough to get dizzy even though he never allowed himself to. Each rough inhale covered him in the scent of flowers and paint, adding to the impression that something dream-like was happening and Hyungwon let his hands travel above his head, looking for something to hold onto.

_Why are you suddenly losing it from his lips on your neck?_

“Fuck, you’re such a good boy, doing just the things I like,” Hoseok hissed and nibbled on his collarbones, pulling his hair in regular intervals to caress the sensitive patches of skin, cover them in bites and sucking where it pulled sounds from his lips after teasing him for a few seconds.

"How about-" he gasped, and it was so unlike him to lose his ability to speak, trembling a little in anticipation of something he wasn't sure he was going to get. "How about you give me the things I like?"

“You don’t like it? Then why do you act as if you do?” Hoseok’s low voice breathed out next to his ear as the other man leaned back to look at him, dark gaze focused on his face and black eyes reflecting the moonlight.

"I'm not acting," he murmured and tried to catch his breath, his eyes half closed, and blush spread on his cheeks. "I want more."

_You wanted him to be affected, but how come he is affected by the way you react the most?_

“That depends on what it is.” Hoseok’s lips lifted in one of those incredibly hot smirks that made him angry, but now he had no resources left for anger, he wanted those hands that had painted him to touch him instead. “But you might get it if you continue being like this.” Hoseok let his eyes travel from his eyes to his neck and licked his lips as if he was prey. At first it seemed as if the artist was being different, but was he really?

_It's you, you're the one acting differently and he's reacting._

He wanted to feel those lips on his neck instead and tugged at the sheets, suddenly impatient even though he hadn't cared before. Hyungwon had no idea what 'like this' meant exactly, but it didn't change anything about what he wanted.

Using the leg around Hoseok's hips to pull the other man closer to his body, he gasped before chewing on his bottom lip and meeting Hoseok's gaze. The intensity remained the same, familiar but it seemed like this time he knew what might have been hiding behind it. A man that had seen so much that Hyungwon couldn't even begin to imagine the extent of it.

"Touch me," he breathed out and held his breath, trying to calm himself enough to not jump the other man in case he decided to deny him.

“Hm, I don’t know, should I?” Again, the mouth corner lifted and Hoseok licked over his lips, pulling his hair to reveal more of his neck. Finally, the warm mouth brushed over his cheek before sucking on a patch of skin right under his ear. “If you continue being a good boy and keep your hands over your head, I might,” Hoseok whispered into his ear as he felt one hand slip under the long sleeve shirt he was wearing, touch so light that it forced goosebumps to spread all over his body, up his neck.

_Shit, he's making you feel so much._

He should have been ashamed at how quickly he nodded before gasping and letting his hands travel further above his head to prove his point. "You definitely should."

This time there was no reply, just a pull on his hair that resulted in a gasp and teeth that nibbled down his neck, to his collarbones. At the same time Hoseok’s hand pulled the fabric up and teased his nipples with the warm fingertips, circling them and lightly pinching them too.

“So pretty,” Hoseok whispered, slowly leaning in and sucking one nipple into his mouth before rolling it between his teeth.

He moaned, unable to help it and dug the heel of his foot into the other man's lower back, trying to get some friction. His eyes fluttered shut as he enjoyed the sensations and tried not to react too much to the sweet words of praise.

_Don't let him wrap you around his finger so easily. It should be the other way around._

“You’re so impatient, kitty,” the low voice vibrated against his sensitive nipple as Hoseok turned to the other one, repeating the arousing torture by only giving him little sparks of pleasure, eating up his patience and making him want to jump the other man. “You look gorgeous when you’re needy.”

"Less talking, more-" he gasped again, unable to finish his sentence immediately and he groaned at the burst of anger that followed. "More touching."

“Shht.” Hoseok shushed him, sound accompanied by the dark gaze and didn’t seem to care about his struggles. Leaving his hair, the other man used both hands to stroke over his nipples and stomach, roaming his torso and scratching along his sides while the sharp teeth sunk into his warm skin occasionally, resulting in sounds he really didn’t mean to make.

_Shit, he makes you want him._

Hoseok was straining his patience and Hyungwon really wanted to fuck the no hands rule and clash their lips together again, but something told him that the gorgeous man hadn't been joking about the conditions.

"More," he murmured instead and tried to shift his hips to get friction and managed to free his other leg before also wrapping it around Hoseok. It felt so fucking good, all of it.

_Is one day of lockdown already driving you mad?_

"I see you're used to getting what you want, but even though you're a demanding kitty, you're still a kitty, so close your pretty mouth and wait until I touch you." Hoseok lifted the long sleeve shirt to his chin and simply pulled it over his mouth, unwrapping his legs around his hips and curling both hands around his knees to spread them.

_Holy shit._

His eyes widened, but he kept his hands above his head and didn't say anything, merely observing the expression on the other man's face, the way his gaze roamed his body and responded to his reactions the way Hyungwon responded to the touches.

Tilting his head, Hoseok quickly unbuttoned the jeans he was wearing and just pulled his underwear low enough to free his erection, otherwise keeping the tight fabric around his legs and the rubber band of the underwear slightly pushing into the skin under his balls.

Hoseok lifted his index finger and sucked on it, watching him intently before reaching for his length and circling the wet fingertip around his slit torturously slowly.

_He's so fucking good at this._

Hyungwon whimpered as his eyes widened, disbelieving that the man in front of him was both somebody who hated company and somebody who seemed to be experienced in the realm of sex, able to pull sounds from his lips he hadn't produced before.

His hands travelled over the sheets until they found another spot to hold onto, providing him with just enough hold to be able to push his hips towards the touch. If the rule was not to use his hands, then Hyungwon had to find ways around it.

It looked so hot, the blonde man, dressed in black, sitting between his legs and him, half naked with his dick out being teased so much that he was about to lose his mind.

_And you're letting him do it._

Hoseok's gaze wandered around his body, but more often, the black eyes met his, attentive and observing his reaction intently before the other man lifted his hand and sucked on each of the fingers of his right hand, curling them around his erection and stroking him once. Just fucking once.

"Fucking hell," he hissed as his thighs flexed and another whimper left his lips, revealing how fucking on edge he already felt. His sounds were muffled by the shirt on his mouth, and the same was true for his words. "Touch me properly."

_He won’t, and you know it._

"You don't like it? I'm pretty sure that you do," Hoseok spoke with his low voice, one hand wrapped around his dick as the other one scratched up his side and went towards his nipples. "You wanted to cum? Why didn't you touch yourself? It's faster, isn't it? And you don't have to do what I tell you, but still you're here holding on to the sheets and looking so fucking gorgeous."

_He's affected, he is, even if it doesn't seem like it._

Hyungwon let a few torturous seconds pass as he inhaled through his nose and observed the way Hoseok looked at him, how fascinated the other man seemed despite constantly teasing him with both his hands and his words.

"It feels better when you touch me," he breathed out and spread his legs a little more. He didn't bother to hide the blush on his face anymore or the way his erection twitched because he was impatient. "Touch me."

"Mhm," the other man hummed and smirked for a reason Hyungwon didn't understand until the slick hand started moving around his length, precisely and quickly, applying pressure just right and when he moaned, close to release, it stopped, fingers tightening around his base as Hoseok watched him.

_That bastard._

"Fuck you," he hissed and squeezed his eyes shut to fight the way his body trembled from arousal. He felt dizzy and even though he felt tempted to reach out and finish it off himself, he still kept his hands above his head, trying to calm the burst of anger he felt. "Fuck you so much."

"You know…" another smirk appeared and Hoseok leaned in, looking into his eyes and licking the precum from his tip "... you are so pretty when you're angry."

_Why are you letting him do this to you?_

Trembling with arousal and unable to calm down, the answer was apparent. Because he liked it too much.

Hoseok dug the tip of his tongue into his slit before moving back and stroking him again. "It will feel so much better after you've been angry and impatient, believe me." Hoseok watched him as he repeated the whole thing again and smiled at his loud groans and the way he threw his head from one side to another.

"Good boy," the low voice whispered before those delicate fingers wrapped around his dick again, at a moment when he felt like passing out already, like touching himself and finally getting the release that he wanted so much, but this time he felt nails scratch down his stomach as his whole body spasmed, spine curling and thighs trembling through the completely insane intensity of the orgasm that shook him in multiple waves.

He had no idea what was happening to him, but the next thing he realized was that there was a flower scent in the air and a cool sensation against his skin before fabric covered his body and he felt hands stroking over his hair, his chest and shoulders. When he finally opened his eyes, he met the dark gaze that was focused on his face as the delicate fingers roamed his chest and neck.

_What just happened?_

"How do you feel?" the low voice asked and being completely dressed and clean made it seem like a dream, as if Hoseok hadn't touched him. Only his hands that were still over his head suggested that it had really happened.

_He drove you utterly mad, enough to forget where and who you are._

Hyungwon swallowed and realised how dry his lips and throat felt, probably from moaning uncontrollably while the other man played with him. Saying that he didn't like it would have been a lie, so he kept himself from saying anything sarcastic, too dizzy to do so. His attention remained on Hoseok's face, the calm that the other man showed, maybe even a hint of affection.

_He's taking care of you, isn't he?_

"Dizzy," he murmured and grimaced at how rough his voice sounded. Usually he needed to use his throat more to make it sound like that.

_You didn't even touch him, not even for a second._

"How about you, Hoseok?" Hyungwon finally dared to lift one of his hands away from the sheets, stroking over the artist's cheek softly. He must have looked just as out of it as he felt.

"I'm good." Smiling softly, Hoseok left his position between his legs and lay next to him. "The dizziness will pass after a while, just relax."

_He's so nice suddenly, not trying to throw you out or make you leave._

Turning his head to look at the other man's soft features and the pretty smile, Hyungwon wondered if that was the way into the artist's heart, past the glass wall he couldn't break.

"I feel like I'm flying," he murmured and reached for Hoseok's curved lips, stroking over them, wondering if his own were just as dry now. "But my throat feels like I've performed Carmen all by myself."

"One moment," the low voice replied and Hoseok left and he heard the fridge open and close before the other man climbed on the bed and opened a bottle of cold water, brushing a lock from his forehead and helping him up.

_He's so fucking nice._

"Thanks," he muttered and took a sip, humming because of how refreshing it felt. "Do you always make people feel like that?"

"That depends on what you mean by 'like that'. Aftercare is essential and it's important to make the other person feel safe and taken care of, especially when they're dizzy or have a sore throat." Hoseok waited until he drank and brushed a drop from his lips with his warm thumb.

_Interesting._

"Do you do it because you have to or because you want to?" He shifted and tried to make sure that his sense of self had returned. He couldn't remember ever feeling that out of it after an orgasm. He wasn't even sure if he said something he shouldn't have or revealed something that could jeopardise his plan.

_Better hope you were smarter than that._

"I do it because I tickle out the things that are hard to see, things that come from a deep place. It requires trust and I want to take care of the person, to make them feel safe and that it was okay to show it." Hoseok smiled and closed the bottle, placing it on the white night table. Reaching for his hair, Hoseok sunk his fingers into it and massaged his scalp. It felt so good that he had to roll his eyes back.

_He's doing what you're trying to do so badly, tickle out his secrets._

"A place like this?" he asked and pointed at the painting on the night table. He had placed it there because that was where it belonged, where he wanted it to be until he took it home.

"I see you returned to consciousness." The soft fingertips disappeared from his hair and Hoseok put more space between them, taking the bottle and emptying it himself before licking over his lips. "I'm going to take a shower. You can use the other bathroom if you need to."

_You shouldn't have said anything._

"Are you going to take that long?" he asked and shifted to sit on his calves and was able to crawl towards the other man. He didn't like the switch because it felt like a ribbon had caressed his palm but was ripped from his hand as soon as he tried to close his fingers around it.

To make sure that Hoseok didn't simply stand up and leave, he climbed on top of the muscular thighs, using his weight to keep the other man in place.

_He wants to be alone again, doesn't he? Switchin abruptly after the job was done._

"Maybe," the black eyebrow lifted in question when he settled on the other man's thighs. "Do you want to brush your teeth first?" Hoseok looked aware and attentive, wary of him in some way and he couldn't help but feel surprised by how quickly the other man changed his behavior.

_Is he afraid of what you might do?_

Hoseok had told him before that being dominant and tying his partners up was his only way of feeling safe. Hyungwon's question must have thrown him off, made him feel threatened by Hyungwon's need to know more, to see that dark place Hoseok had given him a glimpse of.

_You must get it back._

"No," he replied before taking Hoseok's right hand and placing it on the top of his head, rubbing his hair against it. "I want you to stroke my hair."

"Why? So, you can ask me more questions?" the low voice replied as Hoseok's hand sunk into his hair, but this time it grabbed a fistful and pulled, making him bare his neck.

Hyungwon hissed from the burst of pain and couldn't help the way his hands reached out for Hoseok's chest, trying to find something he could hold onto.

_He knows your intentions._

"I've shown you myself, why can't I see more of you?" he asked and moved along with the grip on his hair to reduce the pull. Even though he should have been angry, his body seemed to be of a different opinion.

_As if he is conditioning you._

"Because this is not show and tell, Hyungwon. You're here by chance, you look pretty with your hands above your head but that's about it. You watched me paint and now you want to see the gallery? Go to the Prado. I gave them twelve paintings for free, you can look at them." Exhaling sharply, Hoseok let go, stroking all the way to his shoulders like whiplash.

_He's wrong. You're here by choice._

Hyungwon swallowed down the fact that Hoseok had offended him with his words, telling him there was nothing to him but the way he looked with his hands above his head.

_But you're not here to have him see more in you. That's not the point. It's not about you._

"I know those paintings," he murmured and let his hands travel upwards until they reached Hoseok's broad neck and he wrapped his arms around it. "Even if I have never seen them in person."

Inhaling the flowery scent, mixed with paint, reminded him of the way he had felt moments ago, burning up and flying at the same time.

"I don't want to see those paintings, I want to see you."

_You don't want to see those paintings, you want to scratch off the surface and see what's underneath._

"Why?" The dark eyes focused on his face and Hoseok's thumb stroked over his lips, parting them by applying pressure.

_Why?_

Hyungwon thought about it for a moment, reflecting on the reason he had when he stood in front of the nameless painting in Barcelona, remembering why he started to look for Ok Seho in the first place.

"Because I want to know the truth. I want to understand," he replied and felt his hands tremble where they brushed through Hoseok's hair, responding to the way the other man played with his lips.

"But… isn't the truth usually the shadow of the imagination, empty and dark? Isn't it easier to imagine and feel the adrenaline rush through your veins, constructing your own reality? And what will you do when you have the truth? Chase another one?" Hoseok spoke quietly, as if those words came from a deep place, just like those fingers touched him in the same way he had touched the painting Hoseok had gifted him, trying to understand.

_Why does he sound so scared, so bitter about what you might decide to do once you know?_

Meeting the dark eyes, Hyungwon imagined himself glancing past them, seeing the scared child on the canvas and more. He remembered how Hoseok told him that there was no point, that he was going to give up like everybody before him.

_He is scared that you are going to leave, like everybody else._

He swallowed, suddenly overwhelmed by the consequences of his actions.

_Because of course, you're going to leave, what else would you do? There is an end to everything._

"And suddenly… it loses its excitement," the low voice whispered, before the strong arms travelled to his waist and lifted him from the muscular thighs as if it was not his place. "The other washroom has a shower too."

Hoseok didn't make a sound, walking to the bathroom that was connected to the bedroom and leaving him with the sight of the white door that hid whatever was behind it.

Hyungwon remained seated on the bed, feeling lost and lifting his gaze to stare at the painting on his night table, finding the spot that revealed a hint of blood red, a hint of what he had been trying to reveal all this time.

And for the first time in his life, he really didn't know what he was supposed to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 5**

The days floated by in a bubble filled with the smell of paint and home cooked meals, a few words here and there and the overwhelming magic of Hyungwon’s regular breaths when he slept.

_There has never been anything similar in your life._

There was nothing that fascinated him more than the gorgeously parted lips, the inhales and exhales, the soft features that relaxed so much. If he waited long enough, he could sometimes see a brief smile, probably when Hyungwon dreamt something nice. How good it felt to watch somebody who was able to rest, to close his eyes and dream about good things, things that made him smile before he grunted and stretched his long arms first and then his legs before finally those big eyes opened and looked around.

_Only makes you see how thick the glass between you two is._

Sometimes, when he had been painting for hours and his tears dried, and the red paint wasn't as visible anymore, he wanted to turn around, feeling the shadow that remained outside, behind the glass in his studio. He knew that there was a pair of eyes watching him, but at some point, he started considering the presence a routine. Just like the trees in the back of his house stared at the trauma he painted on the canvasses, making it reach the surface just to bury it again under thick layers of paint.

What did it matter if somebody saw? It didn’t, right? The person in his house came looking for the truth but the truth was that his life was actually a sad documentary and not the thrilling movie that the media had written about his paintings, his life, his motifs, his artistry. All of it was lies, twisted and describing a different person. Not him.

_But he probably knows that there's nothing interesting about you by now, so why…?_

Thinking about the truth made him think about the media once again. How they portrayed him.

_They could just write an article, call it self-hatred and write about how the only reason you paint is because that’s the only time that you don’t hate yourself. That you live hating yourself so much that you want to disappear or let the thoughts eat you alive, push you to the floor, freeze you in the tub, make you forget to eat and drink, feeling anxious just to breathe. Because what if the thoughts turn into an image and it drags you back to the gallery and you have to watch, to look at it again, even though you thought it was over, you painted over it, you painted it just like you thought you needed to, so why was it back? Why can’t you stop? Why can’t you stop existing? Why can’t you be normal? Why can’t you be… somebody else?_

Inhaling deeply, he clenched both fists and glanced at the phone that he brought to the studio to not miss his agent’s call and here it was, vibrating on the paint cupboard. Pressing his lips together briefly to get rid of the ruminations, he picked up, voice calm as always and listening to the first two sentences that always consisted of the other man trying to tell him about a new offer from some billionaire who offerered a million or two to have his painting in his livingroom and followed by Hoseok declining because he didn’t want those fuck-faces to sexually harrass their cleaning personell on the couch under the picture of his demons.

“You know my opinion. What’s the situation currently? I have a person here and I really can’t handle having any humans next to me apart from the planned ones you know about and it’s… tiring.” He sighed and glanced towards the door, before walking slowly towards it and entering the kitchen as he listened to Hyunwoo’s comment on the government and how the lockdown was showing good results, so they would loosen the restrictions soon.

“In two days? That sounds bearable. But the trains and planes won’t go anywhere I suppose? I need a car.” When he spoke the words, his gaze settled on Hyungwon who sat at the kitchen table and looked up at him, surprised to see him on the phone. “Can you organize a car that will take a person from my house to Barcelona?”

“Oh god, did you get stuck with one of your puppies, Hoseok? If it’s bad I could organize somebody to come now, but it’s a bit risky because they are often on patrol around your place. Otherwise I would’ve come over.”

“It’s not a puppy,” he murmured in reply, meeting the big eyes. “It’s a kitten.”

There was a laugh on the other side of the line and Hyunwoo told him that he would organize a car and send it over as soon as the lockdown was lifted. It was good. It meant there were only a few days left that he had to feel the gaze on him, eat tasty food and watch somebody else sleep in his bed instead of rolling from one side of the bed to the other, hating himself and every past decision, continuously drowning in regret over things that he could’ve done again if he had the opportunity to change it.

_It’s better that way, Hoseok. He needs to leave. He needs to leave as soon as possible._

“Mhm. Talk to you soon. Take care, Hyunwoo,” he murmured into the phone, eyes still locked with Hyungwon’s big ones. Thinking about it, the last time he had locked gazes with the other man had been right before disappearing into the bathroom and taking a cold shower for forty minutes until there was nothing apart from numbness left on his skin.

_How long has that been? A week? Or more?_

“Thanks,” he muttered, glancing at a dish the other man prepared once again even though he had told him not to bother. So many times.

_He never listens. Just like you._

Hyungwon was still staring at him and hadn't begun eating, long fingers turning almost white from the force with which they held onto the fork. The other man was obviously angry, but was fighting with himself to contain it, bottom lip twitching a few times as did Hyungwon's eyebrows.

_Why do you like it so much?_

"Kitten, huh?" the black-haired man finally commented and stuffed a fork covered in risotto into his mouth. "Shouldn't you be at least treating me like one to have the right to call me that?"

_You made him angry, huh?_

Licking over his lips and once again realizing that he didn’t manage to drink enough to save himself from dehydration, Hoseok sat next to the other man who was drowning in his clothes and picked up his fork. One might have thought Hyungwon was only there to keep him alive.

“He asked whether I’m stuck here with a puppy and I had to correct him,” he replied, and his mouth corner lifted because no matter what he let on, he really liked it when Hyungwon was angry.

"Would you be less of a dick if I was a puppy then?" Hyungwon asked and lifted an eyebrow before licking the sauce from his fork. He didn't seem to be doing it on purpose, but the sight only confirmed that the other man was a kitten, a moody one.

“I’m a dick? Hmm, maybe I am, who knows. I never really thought about it but I will add it to the things people say when cursing at me. My agent will arrange a car and take you to Barcelona. They say that the government might lift the lockdown in two or three days.”

His gaze traveled from the plump mouth to the big eyes, to how Hyungwon was holding his fork and the long sleeve shirt that looked so loose on him. Sometimes, when the other man was sleeping, he thought about what his life must have been like before he came to his house. Hyungwon couldn’t be as crazy as him, so he must have had friends, parents and maybe a lover? Maybe he called them when Hoseok was painting, missing them and having to deal with his lack of attention, ignorance and egoistic behavior instead.

_You're too focused on yourself to think about how he must feel, but you still do and you don't want to think about it because you care._

"Lovely," Hyungwon muttered and smiled so briefly that it almost looked mocking. "Is that the reason you decided to bless me with actual words leaving your lips? Not sure you realised, but one more day of this and I would start talking to walls because they give me more of a reaction."

_As you thought._

“Mhm. I thought about that. You must be looking forward to going back and seeing the people who love and care for you and who talk to you, unlike that crazy artist who just doesn’t reply and acts as if you’re not here.” There was sauce on the thick lips and it was red, so Hoseok couldn’t refrain from reaching out and wiping it with his thumb before sucking on it. “Messy kitty.”

Again, there was the anger he liked so much, but it wasn't only the narrowed eyes and a rough exhale this time. Color had spread on Hyungwon's cheeks and Hoseok couldn't tell if it was really due to the other man being furious about the nickname.

"Is that why you did it? In the hope that it will make me want to leave? I must disappoint you then, there are no people I am missing or look forward to meeting," the black-haired man remarked and brushed through his long hair, eyes not leaving his face. "I only miss the ocean. The sound of waves and the salty air."

_The sea?_

“I’ve never been to the sea,” he commented and smiled, thinking about how the description sounded and that it must be a nice feeling. “No, kitty, I did it because that’s how I am, and you apparently don’t like it, so you don’t like me, so that again means that you must be happy to go back home. Isn’t it logical?” Hoseok chewed on the delicious rice dish and brushed back his bangs that caught some red in the painting process. He needed to wash it off.

"Is that how you draw your conclusions? Sounds a little too simple, doesn't it?" Hyungwon smirked before shifting on his chair and crossing his long legs. "Disliking a behavior only means that, disliking a behavior. It has nothing to do with liking the actual person. If you want me to dislike you, you'd have to try harder than that."

_You don't need to try. You easily make others dislike you with your presence alone._

“That’s a problem because I never try hard enough on anything, so it’s just a half-assed ‘no longer human’ kind of existence and behavior. There are a few rules I think. Uhm, rule number one, everyone who wants to get close only wants to hurt me and the second one is, nobody should get close, so I can remain the only one to blame for the way I feel. Easy, right? I hope that you understand that it has nothing to do with you. It’s me. Always has been and will always remain until it all goes down some day, so go back to Barcelona, go to the sea if it makes you feel good and forget that I exist.”

"Can you suddenly stop existing, from one moment to the next? No? Oh well, then maybe you understand that I can't just forget shit just because you want me to." Inhaling sharply, Hyungwon grabbed the fork with too much force and left marks on his palm when he released it again. "For somebody who apparently half-asses things you're rather good at covering up, self-destructing and apparently also driving others mad. I wonder how that fits into your motivational rules. Are you afraid that I'm going to hurt you?"

_Are you?_

Pushing his plate aside, Hyungwon lifted up from his chair and placed both of his palms on the table before lifting his knees on top of it. The other man's eyes were focused on him as he crawled all the way towards him and pushed his plate to the side as well.

_Kitty._

Sitting down on his calves right in front of him, the black-haired man curled the fingers of both his hands once, thereby grabbing his attention.

"Does this make it easier?" Hyungwon asked quietly, voice barely loud enough to reach him as those big hands lifted in the air until they were right above the other man's head.

_Well fuck._

He stared, chewing on his lips and trying to return to the calm self-depreciative thoughts that he was used to and that were so much better than being forced to look at some picture in his gallery, not knowing whether it will eat him alive.

_But he changes your thoughts just like that._

Things changed. They did somehow in the middle of their coexistence during the past few days. Now, Hoseok could see so much more in the expression on the small face. Was it the nightly observations that made him know the features by heart and enabled him to imagine them and see every single twitch so clearly?

“What do you want to make easier? The talking?” He forced himself to stay in his chair, but his gaze was glued to the big eyes.

Hyungwon didn't reply at first and merely intertwined the fingers of both hands as he kept them above his head, chest rising and falling visibly.

"The fear," the low voice replied eventually. "Because you are the one deciding what will happen."

Hoseok thought about the words. Was it fear? Wasn’t it too heavy of a word for what he felt? Wasn’t it an expectation? Hyungwon couldn’t understand that he wasn’t the one deciding what will happen because his thoughts were playing with him and because there was a big difference between playing with a puppy or with a kitten.

“Do you know why I call you a kitten?” he asked, slowly rising from his chair and stepping closer, so close that he could feel the bony knees against his hips.

At first, he could see the thoughts rushing through the other man's mind, visible on his face and the way he nibbled on his lips, turning them even redder. But Hyungwon must have decided not to say anything as he shook his head. "Tell me."

“First, there’s a difference between a puppy and a kitten. A puppy is always happy to see you, listens well and takes any touch while wagging its tail. A kitten…” he started and lifted his hand, stroking over Hyungwon’s slim wrist and arm. “A kitten does what it wants, it’ll bite you or scratch you, but if you find the right spot…” Hoseok continued with the slim neck and sunk his fingers into the long hair. “If you do, then they just lay there and purr.”

Hyungwon hissed quietly, probably attempting to contain the sound but unable to. Despite the sudden touch, the other man's hands remained in the air, only curling up in response as he took a few deep breaths before replying.

"Is it a challenge then, a challenge to tame me?"

“I’m not sure it’s a challenge, but it’s different. You are different. You don’t need to keep your hands up by force, you will do it all by yourself if it feels good enough.” He smiled because somehow the gesture seemed meaningful even though it probably wasn’t. Hyungwon wasn’t a person that he met up with for sex, he was somebody who was caught in his house and had to deal with it the same way he had to deal with having another person around. “But does it make you mad when I call you a kitty? Don't tell anybody, but I stay away from you because I like it when you’re mad and I have the feeling that being myself makes you…”

Hyungwon inhaled through his nose as he slowly lowered his hands, but instead of placing them on his lap and leaving them loosely at his sides, the other man wrapped them around his neck.

"Then make me mad, Hoseok."

He met the other man’s gaze and there was not much time to decide what he should do because his hands slid down and wrapped around Hyungwon’s waist, pulling him close and forcing his thighs to part. “If you… promise to be a good boy for me, I might make you purr again.”

Hoseok loved how Hyungwon didn't agree instantly as a puppy would have, how those big eyes narrowed briefly before relaxing again, as if Hyungwon was weighing his options before deciding. It was exciting because he couldn't be sure about the answer, not until the lean arms tightened around his neck and Hyungwon's legs slipped off the table to wrap around his hips.

"I might," the black-haired man replied eventually, as if it was the most that his pride allowed him.

The reply was enough, so he pulled the slim body from the table and carried it through the glass doors to the bedroom, letting the clothed back hit the mattress and crawling on top. He had no idea how it went from eating risotto to him on top of Hyungwon with his hands under that black shirt, teasing the small nipples and his fingers roaming every bit of the other man’s warm stomach and chest. His mouth attached to Hyungwon’s neck, sucking and searching for those spots he liked teasing the most, the ones that made the person under him curl his spine and hiss.

Hyungwon obeyed his expectations, even if the sounds that left the plump lips were still quiet. At first, fingers raked through his hair and pulled at it, but when his teeth nibbled on the sensitive skin below the other man's ear, the big hands let go and travelled upwards along the sheets, holding onto it. The black pants that were tight on him, but loose on Hyungwon's narrow hips were slipping down from the other man's motions, revealing a hip bone and more delicious golden skin.

"You're a gorgeous kitten," Hoseok murmured, voice low and laced with arousal that spiked up as soon as he saw the slim body give in to his ministrations. Pulling up the black fabric, he left it under the other man's chin before pulling down those black pants to reveal more spots he could tease.

Hyungwon gasped before scratching over the sheets with his right hand, as if he meant it as a sign of defiance. "I want to touch you too," the other man murmured and used his right leg to stroke over his body, pausing and trembling whenever Hoseok bit down.

"Hmm, that's a bit complicated because usually…" he whispered and covered the other man's groin in bites, observing his reactions throughout. "Because usually I would have to blindfold you for that to happen."

"But-" Hyungwon gasped again and tugged at the sheets, pulling them off the mattress above his head. "How am I supposed to give you what you like if I can't see your face?"

Chuckling, he exhaled against Hyungwon's tip and used his nails to scratch down the other man's sides, holding his hips in place right after. "Well, you don't need to see if I'm the one moving and leading. That's what I like. I don't want to be touched otherwise. And now spread your legs for me, kitty, and I'll make you purr."

"But-" Hyungwon tried again, however, Hoseok's nails must have felt too good as a gorgeous moan left the plump lips instead of additional words and the other man spread his legs all by himself, without needing another invitation.

Hoseok couldn't help but wonder how the other man would look, crawling towards him naked, with some fluffy plug and a few ropes around his torso and legs.

"Sshh," he hissed and pulled Hyungwon's legs up, stuffing a pillow under his cute butt and catching himself with the thought that he liked the sight too much. Leaning down, he wondered whether the other man was sensitive and licked a circle around his entrance before blowing cool and hot air against it.

"Fuck-" Hyungwon almost yelled and threw his head to the side as his thighs flexed and attempted to pull together, squeezing him in between. "You can't just- I'm- fuck."

"You're adorable," Hoseok murmured, letting his lips vibrate against the other man's sensitive skin as he used both hands to keep the long legs spread. "And you immediately react, I like it."

"I'm fucking sensitive, so of course I-" Hyungwon moaned instead of finishing his sentence and pulled more of the sheets off the mattress, long legs lifting a little as if the other man wanted him to continue despite his verbal complaints. "Shit, Hoseok."

_It seems as if he doesn't want to react in the way you like it, but he still instinctively does._

Humming and using more of his tongue, Hoseok sunk his nails into the firm thighs and teased the other man with the tip of his tongue, making it firm and then soft again, pushing and breathing against the wet skin to watch the contractions.

"Hoseok, don't-" Hyungwon's whispers sounded half-hearted, considering that he didn't let go of the sheets above his head and attempted to push his slim hips closer to his face. Hoseok loved the way the other man's entrance fluttered from his ministrations and how breathless Hyungwon already was. "I become a mess when you- I usually don't- oh God."

_All those things you like._

"You're so pretty, and now be a good boy and spread your legs properly." Hoseok changed position to be able to apply more pressure and give Hyungwon more reasons to purr.

“But-” Hyungwon tried again, already spreading those lean thighs of his, toes curling as soon as Hoseok leaned in and did nothing but breathe hot air against the sensitive spot. “If you already- then you have to-”

"You make no sense, kitty, but I love how sensitive you are." Something about Hyungwon's behavior told him that the other man probably rarely had people pleasing him that way. "I'm wondering how you might taste," Hoseok whispered and placed open mouthed kisses against the clenching entrance, one after another, letting his tongue play with the tension.

There was no reply, only moans and desperate gasps for air. Hyungwon struggled with being coherent and gave up on attempting it, teeth nibbling on his lips and trying to contain louder moans. The other man’s hands slowly let go of the sheets above the black hair and travelled lower. At first, Hoseok thought the other man was going to reach for him, but instead of stroking over his face or grabbing his hair as Hyungwon could have, those lean arms wrapped around the lean thighs instead and lifted them up, hugging them and providing Hoseok with much easier access.

“Fuck-” the low voice gasped once more before Hyungwon buried his face in the pillow.

He smirked, mostly to himself because Hyungwon couldn't see it anyway and continued his ministrations, teasing the other man with his tongue, applying pressure, but never enough to enter the tight body. He used his nails to scratch from Hyungwon's knees to his round butt cheeks, leaving red lines on the golden skin.

_You only need to wait until he begs. You're patient._

Hyungwon’s fingers had already begun to dig into the skin of his own thighs, leaving half-moon shaped marks and embellishing the goose bumps that were covering all the other man’s slim body.

“Can’t you just-” Hyungwon muttered suddenly, right before whimpering once more as Hoseok left more red lines on his thighs and behind. “Hoseok- if you already- then just-”

_It's so strange to hear it. Your name._

He forced the thought to the back and repeated the teasing motions, almost letting his tongue slip past the tight ring before lifting his gaze briefly. "Ask for it," he replied, voice low and lips vibrating against the pink skin.

Hyungwon trembled in response and gasped for air a few times before the lean thighs spread just enough for the other man to be able to meet his gaze. The sight was stunning, blushed cheeks, red, parted lips and black bangs that stuck to Hyungwon’s forehead.

“But you know what I want,” the red lips muttered as Hyungwon’s big eyes fluttered shut for a few moments, obviously overwhelmed with his own sensitivity and the pleasure that Hoseok was providing. “You- you know it, Hoseok.”

"I do, but I want you to purr it." He lifted his face and licked his lips. "Purr it, Hyungwon." Scratching up the firm thighs, he sunk down again, blowing more air and watching the entrance clench again.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed and Hoseok could see him squeeze his eyes shut before the other man pressed his thighs together once more and pulled them towards his chest, trembling but still not saying the words that Hoseok wanted him to.

"Do it and I promise that I'll fuck you up, I'll make you scream, you'll feel so good, do it."

“I-” Hyungwon began and gasped for air, sucking in big gulps before holding his breath and shaking from the building tension. But it wasn’t enough and Hoseok could see it in the micromotions of the other man’s hips and the long fingers that kept digging into golden skin. “I want you to make me scream then. Just- do it.”

"You know it from my paintings, kitty. I never just do it, so I want you to ask me for it." Hoseok lifted his hand to his mouth and covered his middle finger in saliva before reaching between the trembling thighs and pushing it into the tight body. It only took a few seconds for him to find what he was looking for and he moved his digit, rubbing the swollen spot. "Say it."

The low scream that left Hyungwon’s lips was otherworldly, echoing through his bedroom and accompanying the way the slim body shook in his hold, as if it felt so good that there was no physical way to express it sufficiently. When Hyungwon finally managed to turn his head to look at him, Hoseok wasn’t even sure if the other man would have been able to speak the words had he wanted to, lips parted from rough exhales and desperate gasps.

“Shit, Hoseok,” Hyungwon cursed and used his right hand to reach for his wrist, wrapping around it in order to stop him, even for a few seconds. “Just fucking rim me already, fuck me with your tongue. What do you want me to say? I’ll say it, so just do it- fuck.”

His lips spread in a grin because the words made him feel good. "I want you to say please because that gets me going. Say it and I promise you that I'll give you what you want."

Big eyes were staring at him and Hoseok loved how they narrowed, how he could see thoughts in Hyungwon’s features and the spark of anger that appeared from hearing his words.

Hoseok shifted and used his free hand to take Hyungwon's wrist, placing the other man's hand between his legs, cupping his thick length. "Say please and you'll feel how much I like it coming from your lips."

Hyungwon’s lips trembled as he continued staring at him, one arm still wrapped around his long legs and the other tracing the outline of his erection through his pants. Hoseok could observe the fight in the big eyes, pupils blown from arousal and muscles contracting with each motion of the digit inside of him, no matter how slight it was.

“P- please,” the plump lips finally whispered, so quiet that Hoseok could barely hear it. As if knowing that he would need more than a whisper, Hyungwon tried again while chewing on his bottom lip. “Please, Hoseok.”

The arousal spiked, and he twitched against the big hand, letting out a hiss because of how fucking good it felt, fuck.

"You're the best boy, shit." Hoseok licked his lips and carefully removed his finger before taking the good lube out of the bottom drawer and settling between the spread legs. "And now let me taste you, pretty kitty."

“Do it,” Hyungwon hissed before throwing his head back on top of the pillow and lifting his legs higher, hugging them tightly while his toes curled in anticipation. Even though the other man had returned right back to being defiant, Hoseok had heard what he had wanted to hear, and the words still echoed in his head, driving his actions.

Hearing a please didn't mean that he would stop teasing, so he enjoyed the impatient groans before finally pushing his tongue into Hyungwon's tight body that kept clenching around him as if every single touch was so incredibly arousing that his muscles reacted to it.

The sound that echoed through the room was worth it, low and needy as Hyungwon muttered something that he couldn’t understand and that Hyungwon probably hadn’t intended for him to hear. Throwing his head from side to side while curses and loud moans left the pretty mouth, Hyungwon tried to push against him and feel more. The man below him was becoming delirious, unaware of his own actions and completely at his mercy. It was so hot that he felt his own arousal increase with each passing second.

"Let me use my fingers," he murmured and reached for the lube, covering the digits on his right hand and carefully slipping two inside. He didn't do it to prove anything, this time he just needed to reach the spot and make Hyungwon lose it completely. Hovering over the other man, Hoseok nibbled on the tiny nipple and curled both fingers, rubbing softly and stabbing the sensitive spot in alternation.

“Shit- please,” Hyungwon mumbled and bit down on his lips, increasing their red color as blush spread from the other man’s cheeks down to his neck and chest. He was beautiful, so beautiful when he lost himself in pleasure and began babbling, saying his name and things he wanted him to do, asking him to go faster right before asking for mercy because he was so sensitive. Hoseok didn’t need to inquire which one was the truthful one as Hyungwon let go of his thighs and threw them on top of his shoulders instead, pulling him closer. “Please, Hoseok.”

_It's easier when you're dizzy._

Smiling, he covered the warm skin with bites and teased the small nipples, not showing any mercy until Hyungwon screamed and he felt the firm length twitch against his forearm in a dry orgasm.

_You want him to be so dizzy that he doesn't know where he is anymore._

He travelled lower and stabbed the sensitive spot shortly before licking the few drops of precum travelling down the velvety tip. "Do you want to cum, kitty?"

There was no delay, only a rough exhale before Hyungwon nodded furiously and scratched over the sheets next to his head, attempting to make him continue by moving himself.

"Then come for me," he whispered in reply and moved his hand faster, more precise, rubbing the sensitive spot, encouraged by Hyungwon's desperate moans, the scratching over his sheets and how the pretty length twitched in his mouth when he started sucking on it intently, pulling the orgasm longer as he stimulated both sensitive spots in waves as the warm release entered his mouth and he swallowed it down.

Next, he made sure that he cleaned up his fingers and Hyungwon, covered him with a blanket and removed the stray locks from his forehead, smiling at how dizzy the other man was.

Blinking lazily, Hyungwon’s eyes focused on him for just a few seconds before long arms reached for his neck and pulled him close. The blanket was discarded in a matter of seconds and Hyungwon must have chosen him as the replacement. As soon as he lay on the bed next to the slim man, he felt Hyungwon curl his legs around his hips, completely wrapping around him like a blanket.

A warm kiss was pressed against his neck before Hyungwon buried his face in the crook of it and exhaled roughly against his skin. “I love the way you smell, Hoseok.”

_Don't you smell like paint?_

"You do?" He smiled and curled one arm around the slim waist, brushing his fingertips over slightly moist skin. Somehow it felt safe, now that Hyungwon was mostly dizzy and hiding in his arms, and for once he decided to share something.

"There's a red moon," he whispered. "Under the dark colours on the small canvas I gave you. There's a red moon. It's like a symbol for loneliness, you know? It fits on this tiny canvas, but we all know how big it actually is, so big that you can't see the horizon when you stand on it." Again, he smiled, because somehow it felt as if he was talking to himself. "And the most important thing is that no matter how far you travel, even if it's the end of the world, still, if you manage to leave everything behind and run so far away that there's nothing left, you look up and… you see the same moon hovering over you."

***

The bright sun that pulled him from his sleep had already become a part of his routine by now. Smiling to himself because Hyungwon knew that as soon as he opened his eyes and glanced to the side, there was going to be the familiar window with the equally familiar trees and the gorgeous scent of flowers as soon as he decided to open it.

_It almost eases your longing for the ocean, almost._

He rolled over to Hoseok's side and wasn't surprised not to find him there. The other man was never there when he woke up, even if they lay next to each other in the evening. To be honest, Hyungwon hadn't seen the artist asleep even once since coming to the house and becoming a permanent resident for the past one and a half weeks.

_There isn't much time left._

He hadn't gotten any further than a week ago. Hoseok didn't talk to him and retreated to his studio to paint his demons and cover them up right after. The almost delirium that the artist seemed to be in when he covered up the paintings underneath spoke for the resulting painting being involuntary, a reaction to the thoughts and feelings that the original one exposed.

_It must be terrible, so damn terrible._

Wiggling his feet to free them from the blanket, Hyungwon rolled over one more time and focused his gaze on the small canvas that belonged to him, placed on his side of the bed because he enjoyed seeing it every morning after waking up and every evening before falling asleep.

_It reminds you of the reason you are here._

The more time passed the more difficult it became to focus on the reason he came, especially when Hoseok didn't share with him.

_But yesterday he did._

His eyes widened as he suddenly remembered how Hoseok had held him after blowing his mind and shared what was hiding underneath his painting.

_A red moon, a symbol for being all on his own and unable to escape it._

Time was passing and still Hyungwon only had a glimpse of the torture that Hoseok put himself through every day. The artist didn't bother talking to him about it and barely reacted to his questions. Whenever Hyungwon tried to pry there was only that dark gaze before Hoseok retreated to his studio and painted once again.

_Are you triggering those thoughts he is covering up?_

Maybe he was, unless he played according to Hoseok's rules that is. If he kept his distance and gave the artist the things he wanted, that was when Hyungwon received attention and a hint of genuity in response.

_But you are still going to leave, that is why you don't pry too much. You can't be the reason for more canvases filled with dread._

Hyungwon wouldn't have been able to forgive himself. But still Hoseok managed to make him angry, to force him to lose his cool and end up begging for something he didn't even know he wanted.

_Since when do you let others make you delirious?_

Hyungwon didn't. Never. The reason was a very simple one.

_How could you keep the upper hand if you don't even know what is happening to your body?_

Sex was a mixture of necessity and enjoyment and unfortunately Hyungwon encountered more of the first with the choices he made. Mostly he slept with men and women to get information and for that he needed to be aware of what he was doing.

_But he managed to drive you mad and make you forget yourself._

Hyungwon's body instantly trembled even at the thought of the way it had felt and that alone was enough to make him a little angry. It made him want more, but he shouldn't want more. He should be wanting more details on those paintings and preferably a written confirmation that he had been right all along whereas those other writers had no idea and erroneous interpretations.

_You're not going to get it and you know it._

Sighing, he used the time that Hoseok was busy painting as usual and went through his notes and the photos he had managed to take so far. He had several pictures of the initial paintings that Hoseok had covered up, but he hadn't been able to put them into a believable story yet, something that made perfect sense when it was all connected.

_Because it is symbolic and unless he tells you like he did with the red moon, you're not going to get it._

Hyungwon hated it when he didn't understand, and he also hated it when he wasn't perfectly focused on the topic at hand. He had an agenda and it needed to be followed.

_Stop wasting time and look for him._

He changed the password on his phone as he did after each check up and brushed his teeth quickly before getting dressed into a random choice of clothes from Hoseok's wardrobe. This time he grabbed a white shirt that seemed too formal and was too big on him, but something told him that Hoseok might like it and give him more attention than usual.

_Maybe he won't ignore you for once._

Chewing on his cheek, he closed the buttons on his chest and stared at his own reflection, the way the white shirt reached a little lower than his hips. For a brief second, he thought of not wearing underwear until he decided it would be too much. He had been able to wash his own recently along with Hoseok's laundry.

_One might think you are his housekeeper, cooking, cleaning and doing the fucking dishes._

Again, he felt angry and this time Hoseok didn't even need to be there in person. Hyungwon brushed through his hair to make sure it fell nicely before making his way to where he suspected the artist to be. In his studio as always.

To Hyungwon's surprise, Hoseok wasn't in the spacious and well illuminated room. Only several canvases, most of them painted in various shades of dark because the other man was slowly running out of surfaces to paint. A new one stood in the middle of the room, probably one that Hoseok had painted at night.

_You have to see it._

Making his way towards it, Hyungwon let his eyes jump from one patch of paint to the next, letting it sink in and have the resulting emotion fill his chest.

_Not many are able to make you feel and he does it with both his art and his hands._

Stepping a little closer, Hyungwon looked for the darkest spot on the canvas, the biggest collection of black. Once he found it, he did what he always felt like he had to do. Grabbing one of Hoseok's brushes, he used the backside of it to scratch over the paint. He repeated it a few times until a hint of red colour was visible, just the way it had to be.

_Perfect._

He smiled, before realising that he didn't know where Hoseok could be if he wasn't in the studio. He opened the front door and looked outside, checked both bathrooms and made sure to look inside the studio one last time.

Only when he sat at the kitchen table and wondered if Hoseok had decided to break the law, he remembered that there was one more place.

_The basement._

Brushing through his hair, he made his way towards the door that led downstairs and decided against turning on the light on the stairs. Hyungwon wouldn't be as successful as he was if he had always chosen comfort and safety over gaining information. It was better if Hoseok didn't expect him.

_Because you could find out something new._

Thankfully the house was new, and the stairs didn’t make any of the creepy sounds that one knew from the movies, when the protagonist went down the screeching wooden stairs just to get his throat slit.

His quiet steps gave him the advantage of being able to observe what was happening in the corner where he had seen all those ropes for the first time because it was the only place that was illuminated in a warm yellow light. He recognized Hoseok’s light blonde hair immediately, but also the naked torso. It was unusual. Hoseok made sure to wear long sleeved shirts, mostly in black, so the lack of clothing triggered his curiosity even more. There was ink on the other man’s back and he already got used to the ones on the muscular chest even though he didn’t have the opportunity to see them often. A few stairs more and Hyungwon could see that Hoseok was standing in front of a mannequin and was tying black ropes around its chest.

_Is he practising?_

Maybe watching somebody practise tying people up should have made him nervous, but Hyungwon wouldn't be Hyungwon if that had been his reaction. Instead it got him curious and he snuck closer, close enough to be able to see Hoseok's fingers working to create miniscule knots as he arranged the ropes on the mannequin's chest. It almost looked like an art, perfectly aligned and Hyungwon couldn't help but consider it beautiful, no matter the purpose.

_You wanted his attention, but you are hiding._

He used the fact that Hoseok didn't realise he was there to observe a little longer, to make sure it was indeed practise and not a compensation for a real person because Hoseok needed it. One could never be sure.

The delicate fingers that were covered in patterns of black ink, carefully let the ropes slide through the small palms, remaining calm and using strength to make the knots and checking the tension by trying to hook the index finger between the mannequin and the black rope. It was a thicker one that the other man used, but there were more on the walls. Especially the thin, red ones looked really pretty. Almost like the ones Hoseok had drawn on him a week ago.

Observing the motions and the collection of ropes on the wall, Hyungwon couldn't help but wonder if Hoseok had imagined accurately, if his body would look exactly the way Hoseok had painted it if it were covered in ropes.

_You're crazy._

He wanted to ditch the thought because it didn't have a purpose and didn't get him anywhere either, but somehow his mind didn't want to let go. He wanted to see Hoseok make those knots close, preferably on his skin so he could see how it would look.

There was a full-size mirror on the wall and he couldn’t help wondering what it was for as Hoseok told him that his partners were blindfolded most of the time. The walls were a dark grey and there were a few shelves with things that looked like ribbons and chokers as well as some drawers probably filled with interesting stuff, securely locked away. The ceiling had a few rather thick hooks, maybe to hang something up… or somebody. There were a few candles on the shelves too, two chairs and it didn’t smell like a basement, more like wood and scented candles.

_He must work on the atmosphere too before driving those people mad, making them beg just the way he likes it._

He swallowed, but the desire to see the way those red ropes might look on his skin remained the same. Hyungwon wanted to know how accurate Hoseok's imagination had been, if seeing himself covered in ropes for real was going to make him feel the same way the painting did.

He undid one button on the white shirt before doing the same with a second and a third, feeling hot suddenly even though he was barely wearing anything.

"It's fascinating," he commented and stepped out of the shadows. "It looks like art."

The blonde head turned, and he could feel the dark gaze on him before he saw the black eyes and goosebumps spread over his skin. Maybe it was the atmosphere, but it felt different.

“Are you bored?” Hoseok asked and inhaled before letting his gaze travel over his opened shirt and back to his face.

_Right._

Hyungwon couldn't believe that he had already forgotten his previous intentions to get more of Hoseok's attention by looking gorgeous.

_He distracted you with his rope art._

"No, just pretty," he replied and tugged at the edge of the shirt, revealing a bit of his shoulder. "I think it suits me."

“Being tied up would suit you because you wouldn’t be able to move and meddle with stuff that’s not your business,” Hoseok commented with his low voice before turning back to the mannequin, as if he wasn’t standing there and looking like a whole meal.

_Meddling with stuff that's not your business?_

Hyungwon wasn't quite sure what Hoseok was talking about, but it might have been the fact that he had come down to the basement and disturbed him. Or that he had come to his house in the first place.

_He's basically ignoring you all over again on purpose, even though it didn't matter what you wore before._

"What are those knots?" he asked instead of commenting on the accusation and stepped closer, letting his fingers run over the already finished knots on the mannequin. They looked even better up closely.

“You can’t just touch things because you want to, kitty,” Hoseok hissed suddenly and wrapped his fingers around his wrist, pulling it away. Hyungwon could practically see a series of thoughts rushing through the other man’s mind, until Hoseok decided on a course of action and sighed, letting his hand fall at his side. “It’s Shibari. It literally means tying prettily and is an artistic kind of bondage.”

_Why is he so angry?_

"It's beautiful," Hyungwon whispered and let his eyes travel over the mannequin and the delicate knots before glancing up at the red rope and wondering once again how it would look on his skin.

Chewing on his cheek, he observed Hoseok's hands that had returned to tying gorgeous knots and placed his right palm on top, thereby returning the other man's dark gaze to his face.

_Is so difficult to keep his attention._

"Isn't it… better to practise on a real person?"

The way Hoseok inhaled and didn’t bother exhaling told him that he must’ve said something that had an effect. He just couldn’t tell whether it was good or bad yet.

“Why are you asking? Want to be the mannequin?”

The question was provocative and Hyungwon normally would have laughed and said something sarcastic. The only problem was that he did want to be the fucking mannequin. He wanted to see Hoseok tie those knots and he wanted them to be on his skin instead. He wanted to know what the texture felt like and he wanted the ropes to be blood red, just like in the painting.

His lips shook because he felt like he had to be honest to get what he wanted, just like the night before when he had to say it, only to be asked to beg right after.

"I-" he began and bit down on his bottom lip, letting his fingers travel from Hoseok's hands to his forearm, carefully stroking over it. It was difficult to say it, because it was unlike him. He didn't give up his sense of control just like that and he didn't ask for things, he made sure that he got them. But all that just didn't work with Hoseok and Hyungwon wanted those red ropes covering his skin. "I… I do."

“I didn’t expect you to say it. Pick a rope,” Hoseok murmured, pointing at the collection hanging on the wall.

Hyungwon knew which one he wanted, but still he nodded and started at the beginning, fingers reaching out and letting each of the ropes slide through his hands once, examining the texture and what they felt like. He didn't do it for effect, but because it somehow seemed like they mattered a lot to the other man and had more meaning than he knew. Whether his choice mattered in the end, he didn't know, but it seemed only right to show appreciation for all options before choosing the one he wanted.

_Like with art. You observe it all while having your favourite._

Once he reached the blood-red rope, he wrapped it around his wrist once, wondering why he liked it the most from the texture even though he hadn't touched it before. Pressing a kiss to the end of the fabric, he turned to Hoseok.

"This one."

The other man didn’t say anything and walked over to him, taking the rope from the hook. It must’ve been heavy, but Hoseok pointed at the chair that he pulled closer with his foot until it stood right across from the mirror. “Sit down.”

Hyungwon merely nodded, surprising himself with how easily he listened without even a single comment, anything to show that he wasn’t all that easy. Licking over his lips, he simply sat down on the chair and tugged at the fabric of the white shirt, unsure what to do with himself.

“You can keep it on if you like. It doesn’t matter to me.” Hoseok unwrapped part of the gorgeous red rope and finally met his gaze. Something was going on, but he had no idea what it was. Was it because of what happened yesterday? Did he do something that made Hoseok take a gigantic step back to put more distance between them? “It’ll take some time, about forty minutes and your hands will be tied behind your back.”

Hyungwon swallowed, unsure how he felt about that. His original idea had been to simply have some of the rope along his hands, without restricting him, but that would mean half-assing things. He wouldn’t know if the impression was the same as in the picture if only several knots covered his arm instead of red rope covering his whole body.

“Alright,” he whispered and glanced towards the big mirror. “But I want to see it afterwards.”

_You won’t be able to compare in the shirt._

“And…” He bit down on his bottom lip because it felt strange, not necessarily sexual, but rather a little heavy, like the atmosphere had suddenly gotten thick between them. His right hand travelled to the white shirt and undid the next button, feeling the fabric instantly slip off his shoulder. “I want to take this off. I want to do this properly.”

Hoseok nodded and waited until he took off the shirt and slipped out of his underwear, observing him without saying a single word. No matter how many days he had been around the blonde artist, it seemed that the other man's mind had a lock with a 28-character password that was unable to get through. His usual techniques didn’t work and only seemed to push the desired outcome further away, before his hands could even reach for it.

“I’ll try not to make it too tight,” the low voice commented as Hoseok unwrapped the rope and kneeled in front of him, starting with his neck. He could see how the muscles on the pale chest and arms flexed when it came to the first knots, how those delicate hands danced over his skin along with the rope, black eyes looking so focused and calm.

_He looks beautiful like that._

Hyungwon enjoyed the sudden calmness, how different it was compared to the bucket of emotions that were Hoseok’s facial features as he painted. This seemed to be a whole different world, something that had nothing to do with the black colours that the artist painted on his canvases. Even though the rope was blood red, the rope itself couldn’t have been the reason for covering up the painting of him that Hoseok had created.

“You are beautiful,” he whispered, not meaning to say it out loud, but it left his lips quicker than his brain was able to filter. Somehow, Hoseok was making him do the most unusual things, be it giving up control or be unable to hold his tongue.

Usually he would’ve gotten a reply, maybe the other man would’ve called him a kitten or said anything else that would’ve made him angry, but instead, Hoseok just didn’t say anything. Not a single word. Only the black eyes that lifted to lock with his gaze told him that his comment was heard. Those fingers continued dancing over his torso, before Hoseok walked around him and brushed over his arms, putting them into position to tie them together behind his back.

_Why is this so different?_

As soon as Hyungwon couldn’t see the other man anymore, he let his eyes flutter shut, leaning against the chair and focusing on the feeling of the rope and Hoseok’s hands on his body alone. There was something intense to it, like he couldn’t be sure what was going to happen to him next. Maybe that was the reason some men preferred to come to the artist and be tied up like this, wearing blindfolds and feeling only with their body and not with their eyes.

Time passed, but something about the action, about the way they created a dyad in those minutes that ticked by, was an intense experience he hadn’t had before. They didn’t talk, and they didn’t have sex, they didn’t kiss and, in the end, they didn’t even look at each other, but the fact alone that he had given part of his freedom to move to another person he didn’t know made the whole situation so meaningful and overwhelming somehow.

Inhaling, he opened his eyes, because the chair he was sitting on was turning. Hoseok had turned him until he could see his reflection in the mirror. His torso was covered in beautiful knots and red lines that looked gorgeous on his golden skin. His hands were tied behind his back, that he knew, but it looked intense. He had never looked at himself in that position. His hair created even more contrast and he recognized Hoseok’s dark gaze as the blonde man stepped closer, stopping right behind him, reaching for his hair and brushing it from his forehead.

“You’re beautiful,” the low voice said as he looked at his reflection, unable to tear his gaze away.

_Somehow you are._

Letting his eyes travel from his naked legs to his chest covered in red lines, Hyungwon realized that Hoseok had been able to express the sight perfectly, able to imagine it and paint it onto a white canvas as if he had really seen it happen. The only difference was that his lips weren’t parted, not in the middle of the emotion that Hoseok had painted him experiencing. Staring at his own reflection and the wonder and admiration in his eyes, Hyungwon couldn’t help but want to recreate what he had seen, to experience all those emotions Hoseok had painted him having. He wanted Hoseok to be close.

“Kiss me,” he whispered suddenly as his gaze met the black eyes through the mirror, holding it as goose bumps travelled over his skin.

Again, there was no reply, but instead of ignoring his request, Hoseok walked around and stopped, facing him. The artist looked gorgeous with his bare torso. He was so close that Hyungwon could see some drops of sweat that had collected and ran down the gorgeous neck, the veins lifting the pale skin of the muscular arms and the triangle that disappeared behind the fabric of Hoseok’s linen pants. Leaning down, the blonde man took his chin between his index finger and thumb and connected their lips in a kiss that contained nothing of the fight both had attempted to win from the start, clashing against each other and trying to have the upper hand. It was him being tied up and unable to move and Hoseok having all the freedom to do whatever he wanted but instead complying with his request without a single thought.

The curved lips were so soft, have they always been this soft and careful? Hoseok kissed him repeatedly and caressed his mouth like it was okay to touch like this, to be close like this.

_This feels so intimate, but why?_

Hyungwon didn't have an answer, but he also didn't want it to stop. Even though he couldn’t use his hands and had no way to escape his current position unless Hoseok let him, it felt okay somehow, like there was no reason to feel afraid or insecure.

_As if it is safe because it's him._

Hoseok’s soft lips kissed him more and more and when the other man leaned back it felt as if it wasn’t nearly enough, as if it was too little and too short and not deep enough.

“Should I free you?” the low voice asked, keeping his chin between the warm fingertips and stroking over his skin.

Hyungwon surprised himself when he shook his head and rubbed his cheek over Hoseok's hand, hoping to be kissed again. He didn't want the moment to end, not yet.

_Not ever._

“You look beautiful like this,” Hoseok whispered and hesitated for a second before leaning in once again and covering his lips with his own hot ones. Hyungwon instantly let his eyes flutter shut to show that he wanted this, that there was no need for hesitation.

"You too, Hoseok," he murmured against the curved mouth and pressed a kiss to Hoseok's cheek and jaw when he was able to, inhaling the other man's scent that mixed with that of scented candles.

The kisses melted into Hoseok’s warm fingertips around his neck, stroking down his shoulders, tracing the path of the red rope. It felt as if they both couldn’t get enough of the kiss, as if the touch was so much more than just that, as if it had replaced words and explanations, putting them both into the same situation that they simply embraced without a second thought, paralyzed each in their own way.

“You’re cold,” Hoseok whispered against his lips, letting his warm fingers brush over his neck and feel the goose bumps. “Let me untie you.”

Hyungwon wanted to deny it, but that would have been a lie and now wasn't the right time for lies. He merely nodded, already missing the sensation of Hoseok's lips against his own. There was something precious to the situation, as if he wouldn't be able to recreate it anymore and the thought scared him.

When the red rope disappeared from his body, only leaving faint marks on his skin, Hoseok helped him to get back into his underwear and his shirt as his arms felt a tiny bit sore from the unusual position. “They are lifting the ban tonight. The car will come tomorrow at ten,” Hoseok said before walking away to put away the rope.

_What?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened as he suddenly realised what that meant. There was barely any time left, less than he had anticipated. He had thought there were still a few days for him to get behind the glass wall without shattering it, but now there was only a single night, no more.

"But- but they said it was supposed to be two weeks. Why are they lifting it earlier?" he asked and hated the way he sounded desperate and at a loss. Helpless because he hadn't solved the mystery yet.

_There is still so much you don't know. How do all those paintings fit together? Where is his family? Does he have any friends, if so who are they? Do his sexual encounters reappear in his art? You don't know any of this._

“I guess it helped, so they are lifting it earlier. I’m going to take a shower,” Hoseok replied and walked towards the stairs, leaving the lights off and moving right into the shadows, hiding his face. “I will miss the way you smile when you dream something nice. It’s truly beautiful,” the low voice breathed out before quiet steps sounded and he was left alone standing next to the chair and buttoning up his shirt with shaky fingers.

_You're also going to miss this, aren't you?_

Out of everything that had happened to him, that single thought scared him the most.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 6**

_You're glitching._

Hoseok reached for the tap and attempted to turn the knob to make the water cooler but it didn't move as he already put it on cold.

The image of red ropes holding the slim chest remained in his mind, no matter how cold the water was, how numbing the sensation and how much he hoped that it would fade, just that it didn't.

_Because he was fucking glowing._

A person couldn't glow, he knew, it must've been the feeling Hyungwon was able to make him experience. Did he kiss the other man because of that? Did he forget everything around them because Hyungwon was glowing like the moon, being tied up with the gorgeous red rope, his favourite one that the other man picked and kissed. Hyungwon had asked him to kiss him and he just did.

_You just did. Like a good boy._

Was it because it wasn't demanding? It was somehow… desperate, or maybe… Maybe he was.

_But that's not like you. You would've told him to beg or you wouldn't have kissed him at all, but you did without a single doubt. You just…_

Throwing back his head, he groaned and wondered if the sexual suspense was slowly getting to him. Maybe he should get rid of the tension.

_But you usually do it in the bedroom and now…_

Again, it made him angry. Why did he even think about Hyungwon, if the other man had been a guest and was about to leave tomorrow? Why did he have to adjust? It didn't mean anything anyway.

Feeling his blood boil because he still remembered the red spots on his paintings, paint scratched away by round nails, Hoseok left the shower, drying himself only a little before entering the bedroom.

_Instead of showing him that he was not supposed to touch your things, you kissed him. Passionately._

He didn't even look for Hyungwon, instead, he settled on top of the bed, leaning back against the headboard, one leg bent and the other stretched out. Chewing on his lips, Hoseok stroked over his chest, playing with his nipples and liking the sensation of his soft fingertips as his other hand circled around his tip and he curled his fingers around it.

His focus was broken by the sound of something metallic falling to the floor and a gasp that followed right after. Opening his eyes, he saw Hyungwon standing in the kitchen area with his right hand in the air. A knife was lying on the ground next to his feet. He must have been cooking.

"What the hell?" the other man murmured. "Don't you do that in the shower?"

"Shut up, I do it on my bed and this is my house, so go hide in the bathroom if you're bothered," he said and glanced between his legs, watching as the blood slowly went where he wanted it, filling out his length. The cold shower made him less sensitive, but he liked the feeling of how he warmed up as soon as his fingers touched the right spots.

"And if I don't?" Hyungwon asked, sounding a little closer than before and Hoseok couldn't help opening his eyes again. This time he met the other man's gaze he leaned against the glass wall of the bedroom and crossed his arms. Hyungwon was still wearing his white shirt that was too big on him, leaving his collarbones and long legs on display.

"I don't care. Just don't even think about bothering me or I'll carry you outside in that outfit," Hoseok murmured and hissed because of how his fingers moved around his tip before covering his index one in saliva and continuing to tease himself, thighs spreading automatically.

"Define bothering," Hyungwon whispered, voice sounding even closer than before and even though most people might have been ashamed, Hyungwon didn't seem to care as the mattress dipped next to him. A brief glance revealed that Hyungwon was sitting next to him on his calves, eyes focused on his face.

"I'm not joking," he hissed, briefly narrowing his gaze and reaching for the white shirt, lifting it up with a smirk. "The neighbours might like it."

"And you don't?" Hyungwon's tone was teasing as he wrapped his long fingers around his wrist and stroked down his arm to his shoulder.

"I like touching myself and hopefully get rid of some tension. It's a solo activity in case you didn't realise." Hoseok bent his leg, giving Hyungwon a better view of what the other man couldn't have, realizing that he had gotten hard enough in the meantime, as his fingers that curled around his erection didn't touch anymore.

"Mmh," Hyungwon hummed but didn't listen as those fingers travelled from his shoulder to his chest, brushing over his nipple. The other man's eyes slipped towards his groin in the meantime, most likely curious because he hadn't seen him undressed and aroused before.

"You are risking it," he breathed out because the touch against his nipple felt good and was just right for his fingers moving around his dick. He was a mess, but not getting off for almost two weeks was too much, even for him.

"If it feels good enough…" Hyungwon trailed off and rubbed his index finger over his nipple in circular motions before pinching it lightly, "will I be forgiven?"

"I told you, I don't let anybody touch me without a blindfold."

He used his other hand to dance along his bent leg, caressing his thigh and letting it flex against his fingertips.

As if continuing his motions, he felt different fingers on his thigh, tracing it and applying a little pressure to the muscles in the same way he had just a moment ago.

"And if I follow your lead?" the low voice whispered and Hoseok felt hot breaths on his skin until plump lips closed around one of his nipples and sucked just right.

"You sneaky bastard," he hissed, lifting his hand from his thigh and grabbing a fistful of the black hair. He was just about to pull it roughly, but the warm mouth sucked again, and it felt so good that he didn't use enough strength and moved his hand instead.

His hesitation provided Hyungwon with enough time to stroke over his thigh again, scratching over it lightly while continuously sucking on his nipple, playing with it with his warm tongue before switching to the other and repeating the same ministrations.

"Just pull me where you want me," the low voice breathed against his chest.

"Outside," he lied and moved his hips, providing friction to himself by thrusting into his hand that remained in place. He must really need to release the tension, body tingling with every touch of Hyungwon's plump mouth. "You make me feel like I need to think, but I don't want to."

"Then don't," Hyungwon whispered before sucking once more and nibbling his way down to his abdomen, free hand playing with his nipples in the meantime. "I'll listen, I promise."

Hoseok should've pushed him away and kept his boundaries intact, but instead his arousal melted his sense of self-preservation and he pulled on Hyungwon's hair, leading him further down. Just as promised, Hyungwon followed along, biting on his skin and using his hot tongue to soothe it right after. The other man's eyes were closed, as if he focused on the sensation against his lips and the scent, inhaling deeply in between bites.

Fingers kept playing with his nipples when Hyungwon's lips reached his hand that kept stroking his length. Kisses were placed on each of his knuckles and the warm tongue licked a line from the back of his hand to the tips of his fingers before repeating the same with the tip of his dick.

_You can't. You can't, but you want it._

At least he didn't make any sounds apart from hisses yet. He still had some of the fine threads that always felt too thin, too fragile, too easy to rip out of his hands.

_You can never let go, Hoseok, you can't._

"Open your mouth," he hissed.

Hoseok expected Hyungwon to tease and tug at the orders that he gave, rebelling as he always did. But instead the other man only nodded, eyes still closed, before instantly parting his plump lips and following his lead.

Loosening his grip on his erection, he brushed the thick tip over the soft lips, watching them give in under the pressure that he applied. Hyungwon's closed eyes pulled at something that wasn’t arousal and he used his hand that remained in the other man's hair to stimulate his scalp as he pushed himself into the hot mouth. He was a lot to take and his puppies loved it, but Hyungwon wasn't one.

He could tell that the other man was holding his breath as he took him, relaxing his throat before exhaling through his nose and tickling the skin of his groin. Hyungwon's hands remained on his chest, stroking over it and rubbing his nipples while taking as much of him as the grip on his black hair told him to. Once in a while, the hot tongue rubbed over his length, adding to the arousing heat and tightness of Hyungwon's throat.

"Why do you feel so good, fuck," he hissed again and moved back, stroking over the other man's hair and observing Hyungwon's plump lips around his length.

There was only a hum in reply, as if Hyungwon wanted to be the reason for the subsequent wave of arousal that washed over him. Those big eyes opened only for a second, meeting his own before Hyungwon let them flutter shut and followed his lead as he sank down his length again, letting it hit the back of his throat this time.

_He's doing it for you. He's not doing it because he wants to have his mouth fucked._

Inhaling sharply, he pulled on the black hair until Hyungwon's lips left him and the other man sucked in a deep breath. He wrapped his hand around his twitching length again and moved it, eyes closed and hoping to come soon to think about the way he felt later.

Despite letting go of Hyungwon's hair, he felt hot kisses and bites along his thighs, a tongue that licked over his balls before sucking on them. Hands roamed his skin and caressed his abdominal muscles and the shape of his hip bones before rubbing over his nipples again.

_You're stupid._

He knew, he could feel it, he could taste the bitterness on his tongue as he tried only to focus on his own motions, on how they felt when the orgasm washed over him, and he was back to awareness after a few seconds of deep breaths.

Hyungwon had been licking over his skin throughout his release, humming lowly and cleaning up with his mouth before he pressed a kiss against his thigh and leaned back. When Hoseok opened his eyes and looked at the other man, he could see that his eyes were still closed as he sat down on his calves and carefully stroked over Hoseok's legs.

_Is he scared?_

"You don't have to keep your eyes closed," he said, and his voice sounded just like it always did even though he felt so uneasy and angry at himself that he wanted to throw something against the tree outside and watch it shatter.

Blinking a few times to get used to the sudden light, Hyungwon nodded and met his gaze. The other man licked over his lips briefly and stroked over his thighs one last time before simply crawling on top of him and wrapping his lean arms around his neck.

"I wasn't sure if there was still something you didn't want me to see," Hyungwon remarked and buried his face in the pillow, exhaling roughly.

"Mhm. Me. I should've just done it in the shower." Hyungwon's lightweight couldn't have been the reason for the heaviness on his chest and the dark thoughts that immediately crawled closer, smelling his weakness and doubts.

"Are you hungry?" Hyungwon asked suddenly while drawing nonsensical patterns on his chest, fingers dancing over his muscles as if they were reluctant to let go. "I made another soup to make sure there is something proper in the fridge for the next few days after I'm gone tomorrow."

_Why is he doing this?_

Hoseok held his breath and stared at the plump lips that were slightly wet, probably from his release and felt dizzy suddenly. That only happened when he didn't drink enough, so why…

"Did you pack already?" he whispered, still feeling unable to breathe properly.

"What is there to pack?" Hyungwon replied and buried his face in the crook of his neck, round nose rubbing the spot below his ear. "There is barely anything that belongs to me apart from the painting you gifted me. I'm taking it home."

_And the big one._

"Mhm. I think I will go to the studio."

He knew this feeling. This feeling that he couldn’t experience when somebody else was watching. He needed to be alone. Immediately.

"Thank you for the food."

"Please take at least a bottle of water along," Hyungwon murmured as he lifted his head and carefully let go of him, slim arms leaving his neck and curling around the blanket instead.

_Because you can't take care of the most basic needs._

He hummed again and forced his gaze away from Hyungwon's lips that probably tasted like him even though they should've tasted like warm coffee, like the way they smelled when he was close enough to perceive anything other than paint and solvent.

Slipping into a pair of freshly washed linen pants and a long-sleeved shirt, he left the bedroom without looking back because the threads had left his hands, had ripped and left him alone without any hint of control. The bad thing about it was that if the control was gone, there was only self-hatred left, the burning feeling of disgust and the wish to puke himself out of his body if that was possible in any way. Usually it was only gastric juices, as he wasn't able to take care of himself and eat enough to produce anything else.

When the grey door closed, he stumbled to the sink and gagged, spitting out the saliva that collected in his mouth and tasted as if his liver had finally given up on him, slowly killing him.

_But you know it never happens. It's just your body being disgusted by yourself and your inability to function._

There was a gap in the middle of the silence, but it was his body longing for air.

_You hate losing control, you hate feeling like this, fucking helpless and miserable. Why did you let him touch you if you knew that he wasn't going to comply? Why did you go further just to see that he was only doing it for you? Why couldn't you keep the way you know it works with you? You know that you are a mess and that you can't fix it, you can't fix yourself, the only thing you can do is to paint it fucking over, but he keeps scratching on it to reveal it. He scratches on you until the blood spills and he can see._

Hoseok didn't know whether he couldn't breathe because of the saliva collecting in his mouth, or if it was the tears making him swallow multiple times without success and collapsing on the wooden floors.

_That's why you stay in the gallery. You locked yourself in there because it was safer. Safer than outside, safer than feeling like this. That's why, no matter what happens, no matter who wants to see, you can't open the door._

Hoseok was going to stay like this, staring at his loss of control and the picture that showed him all those times he had felt helpless and provided him with more reasons why he was broken. His skin hurt and breathing hurt, but at least here, in the gallery, he was the only one who could see.

***

There was barely any light. Only contours of what was around him remained visible, as if the only illumination stemmed from a crack in the door, a single line that he could reach out for to be able to see his own fingers.

Hyungwon tried it, lifting his right hand and reaching for the single streak of light that showed him the shape of his nails, his long fingers and finally something red around his wrist. Delicate knots were tied around his wrist and forearm, visible the further he held his hand into the light.

When his eyes travelled down, so did the ropes, covering his neck, chest and legs like a layer of clothing, like something that had become a part of him.

_Shibari, but who tied it around you?_

Suddenly, the ground seemed to be pulled from under his feet and he felt a breeze against his face, as if he was being lifted. His hands that were free before weren't anymore and he couldn't move his legs, they were bent at the knees and seemed to be connected to his wrists.

Hyungwon didn't know where he was, but as soon as he lifted his head and stared at the ring that the ropes were attached to, he understood.

_You're in the basement, tied up and hanging from the ceiling._

His adrenalin spiked up and the excitement that he loved so much mixed with a pinch of fear, causing sweat to develop on his forehead and run down to his nose before dripping to the floor.

Hyungwon didn't know what was going to happen to him and that insecurity made him nervous. He couldn't really see and there were no sounds apart from the rope rubbing over the metal ring whenever he tried to move. The feeling wasn't comparable to the sheer fascination he had felt when Hoseok tied him to a chair. This was different.

_But why?_

A drop of sweat rolled from his nose and landed on the floor, sound echoing off the walls like a drum. Hyungwon's breaths picked up and he tugged at the red ropes, realizing that the sensation of a few moments ago, that they were a part of his body, had disappeared.

The sound of wood scratching over the floor grabbed his attention and he glanced down, recognizing a canvas stand and the back of a brush that danced behind it, as if somebody was painting him.

Hyungwon stared, trying to make out what was happening behind the canvas, but there was only the brush moving, like he wasn't meant to see it. He tugged at the ropes, wincing briefly as they dug into his skin and tried to shift just enough to see behind the canvas, to find out what was happening on the other side.

_Why can't you see?_

Fear returned, and he moved more, trying to find a way to loosen the ropes around him. Gasping, he tugged at the knots that connected his wrists with his ankles and curled his fingers to open them. He struggled and more sweat dripped down his nose until there was a sudden exhale against his ear, right there next to him.

"Shht," the low voice whispered, and he trembled in response, calming down and realizing that it must have been Hoseok behind the canvas, Hoseok painting him covered in red ropes before covering it up along with the demons he hid behind thick layers of paint.

He smiled, relieved that it was the other man next to him, that even though he couldn't move there was no reason to be afraid because if there was somebody who could never hurt him, then it was Hoseok.

Warm fingers brushed over his cheek and traced the shape of his ear and he smiled, enjoying the sensation as much as the soft blanket around him.

_Huh? Blanket?_

He opened his eyes, blinking a few times to refocus until he met the dark gaze of the man lying so close to him that he could see the moonlight in the black eyes.

“You must’ve dreamt something nice,” Hoseok whispered and reached out, carefully tracing the shape of his mouth and making goose bumps spread all over his body at the gentle caress. Suddenly the curved mouth that he could see so well spread in a smile so gorgeous that he forgot how to breathe. “You’re beautiful. And now go back to sleep.”

_He must have been watching you, calling you beautiful while smiling like that._

He swallowed, feeling overwhelmed by the proximity, by the delicate fingers touching his face and by how mesmerising Hoseok was when he smiled genuinely. Hyungwon didn't want to go back to sleep, he wanted to see it again.

"It was a nice dream because you were there," he whispered and moved closer, eyes observing the dark orbs as he covered Hoseok's hand with his own. It felt so warm and comforting.

“It was nice? Despite me being there?” Hoseok continued touching his face, brushing over his cheeks, drawing his eyebrows and letting his index finger dance over his nose bridge. The way the other man looked at him was addicting. It seemed as if there was something fascinating about him, something that Hoseok saw and wanted to observe more, touch and taste. “I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful than you when you smile in your sleep. I would draw it if I could paint anything apart from the things I see in my gallery.” Again, there was the warm smile, how could he not have seen it during those days when he was around the other man? It was like the sun, warming him up from the inside, fuelling the desire to be closer, to feel the rays on his skin.

"You could try," he murmured and let his fingers brush over Hoseok's knuckles and his wrist all the way to his shoulder and neck. It felt good to touch like that, as if it was fine now and there was no need for him to close his eyes for the other man's comfort.

_As if he trusts you right now._

Hyungwon let his fingers travel upwards to Hoseok's jaw and ear, caressing it before cupping the warm cheek. There was a yearning in his chest he couldn't put anywhere, different from the way he had felt the day before as he touched Hoseok with his eyes closed. This time too, he wanted to touch, but it seemed more intense, almost like the time when he sat on that chair with ropes covering his body.

"I- I want to kiss you, Hoseok. Will you let me?"

There was some hesitation and Hoseok chewed on his lips briefly, before nodding. “I stole all those moments while you slept without asking you if I was allowed to, I took so much more than you think.”

_He didn't take nearly as much as you did, even if you still don't have it all._

"You can have it all," he whispered and let his eyes flutter shut as he leaned in, focusing on the sensation of warm, curved lips against his own. Hyungwon hadn't paid attention to it before, but it was so easy to align his own mouth with Hoseok's, as if their lips were meant to touch and brush against each other, sending a wave of need through his body. A need to be close, to wrap his arms around Hoseok and have their bodies align.

_Why do you feel like this?_

Maybe it was the moonlight, his dream or the smile he observed right after waking up, but it felt right to be close. Curling his arms around Hoseok's neck, he pressed their chests together and let the blanket slide down their bodies.

“I won’t change,” Hoseok whispered in reply, flinching for a second when their bodies touched before wrapping his arms around him and pulling him even closer, one thigh slipping between his own and curved mouth kissing him more, similar to how he was kissed when he was tied up and couldn’t move.

_You like it so much._

"Maybe not alone," he murmured against the warm lips and placed more kisses on Hoseok's soft cheeks and jaw. "And maybe you don't have to."

He gasped, reacting to the muscular thigh that moved between his, probably not purposefully, but it still felt good. Both of them were only in their underwear and Hyungwon was thankful for being able to feel so much, for having the permission to touch and be touched.

"I love kissing you so much, Hoseok."

“Your lips are so soft, like that shade of grey I used to cover up your face on the painting,” the low voice whispered in reply and he could feel a smile when Hoseok leaned in to kiss him again, kiss him more, his jaw, his neck, the shell of his ear. The warm fingertips were dancing over his skin, warm from sleep and feeling so much. It was like an overly intense dream that kept him on the edge and made him perceive every single breath and touch. Or was it because it was Hoseok who was touching him?

_You want more._

Hyungwon let his hands slip into the blonde hair and enjoyed the texture, how good it felt against his fingertips and how much he wanted to be even closer. It seemed like Hoseok had opened a door for him, just wide enough to slip his hands through and wrap around the other man, hold him close. A door that was shut so tight, he could only keep standing in front of it for the past week.

Turning on his back, he pulled Hoseok on top of himself, enjoying the weight even though the other man tried to reduce it by leaning on his elbows.

"I want to be closer," he murmured and let his eyes flutter shut when Hoseok kissed his neck again, sending shivers down his spine.

_Why do you want him so much?_

Hoseok only hummed without elaborating or asking him what it was that he wanted. The warm hands simply roamed over his chest as Hoseok’s curved mouth left wet trails along his neck, covering it in bites before arriving at his nipples and sucking them into his hot mouth in succession. The motions of the muscular thighs between his legs, the rare sensation of Hoseok’s groin brushing against his made him dizzy in combination with the gentle touches and the lack of sound coming from Hoseok’s lips.

_Why is this so intense?_

As so often with the other man, Hyungwon had questions but no answers to them. Gasps were leaving his lips instead of an attempt to know more and somehow, he didn't mind. Hoseok was able to provide him with feelings through his art and actions and this time it wasn't even excitement that Hyungwon was yearning for.

He let his hands rake through the blonde hair and travelled over the muscular back, enjoying the naked skin under his fingertips. Only once had Hoseok allowed him to touch and Hyungwon couldn't get enough now that he was able to feel the other man once again. This time it felt so safe to do it, to let go and to do whatever he liked.

Hoseok's lips were driving him mad, sending waves of arousal towards his groin and covering his skin in goose bumps. When a moan threatened to leave his mouth, Hyungwon didn't even try to contain it and merely pulled at the blonde hair to have those curved lips closer, to have them all over his body if he could.

"Kiss me more," he asked and stroked over Hoseok's head, surprising himself with how tender he was being instead of his usual demanding behaviour. He wanted to cover Hoseok in kisses and have the other man do the same to him. Everything else seemed wrong.

The pale face looked up from his nipple and Hoseok crawled up, propping up on his elbow and lifting his hand. The delicate wrist and pretty fingers sunk towards his chest and Hoseok let his fingertips dance over his nipples and stomach, causing goose bumps to appear so easily as he watched him with that dark gaze that was full of arousal and also affection. Or did he imagine it? When he let his eyes flutter shut from the overwhelming sensation, Hoseok leaned in and covered his lips with his own, licking into his mouth and sliding his muscular thigh over his groin.

Hyungwon moaned into the other man's mouth and wrapped his arms around his neck again, hips slipping upwards to have more friction all on their own.

"This feels good," he whispered and met Hoseok's tongue, allowing the other man to lead the kiss as he basked in the intimate touches, the arousal that developed and the need to have all of the gorgeous man. It wasn't like him, but he didn't care because it felt as surreal as his dream, a moment during which he was able to say all his wishes out loud without repercussions. "I want to feel dizzy again, melt under your fingertips."

The only sign that Hoseok had listened was the brief nod, a motion to the right and a click when the other man opened the bottle and covered his fingers. Hyungwon could see every single motion, the pale skin and muscles flexing when Hoseok crawled down, nibbling at the skin under his navel and pulling down his underwear using his teeth and his free hand.

The warm mouth felt so good, as if Hoseok knew exactly what he wanted and needed, providing it just right and not being intrusive at all, carefully letting him place his legs on the muscular shoulders and lick around his entrance.

Hyungwon moaned louder this time, unable to help it as his body responded in a matter of seconds, heating up and making him dizzy. His hands searched for something to hold onto and after stroking over Hoseok's head once, he grabbed the sheets around him, pulling harder when the pleasure built up.

Brief licks were enough to make him breathless and needy, to fill out his length and to make him whisper Hoseok's name repeatedly while his legs bent to have the other man closer. He wanted more, so much more even though he didn't allow himself to give in like that.

_Why does he make it okay to let go? Why can't you make him feel the same way?_

"You're so pretty," Hoseok hummed and kissed him right where it felt best before circling his entrance and pushing his tongue inside his body, warm hands still roaming his stomach and chest, holding him in place, then letting go and making him breathless and needy.

He whimpered because it felt so good and he couldn't help the way his thighs pressed together, capturing Hoseok in between until he relaxed sufficiently to let go.

"I- I'm sorry," he mumbled and threw his head to the side, realizing how his awareness was slowly slipping from his fingers. He should have been anxious about it and tried to stop Hoseok the way he had the first time, but he didn't. There was no reason to be worried or even scared and those delicate hands that caressed his skin along with the mind-blowing pleasure between his legs only confirmed it.

"Please," he begged quietly and reached out to stroke over Hoseok's hair again before caressing his shoulders and arms. Hyungwon wanted him so badly, all of him with their lips touching and their bodies aligned.

He didn't want to admit it and he was too dizzy to, but he felt taken care of, as if it was safe, as if nothing bad could happen to him when he was with Hoseok. As if knowing how he felt about the situation, grasping the change in his behaviour, the other man's delicate hands travelled up his thighs, spreading them and making him shake because of those careful but intense touches Hoseok was blessing him with. He didn't even realise when the soft tongue was replaced with a digit, then two, as Hoseok crawled up, catching his moan with his curved mouth and curling his fingers just right.

The pleasure was stealing his awareness and his eyes fluttered shut as he kept meeting the other man's kisses, moaning into the space between them. His body trembled with each stab of Hoseok's fingers and Hyungwon tried to meet the motions, to feel even more than he already did. He wanted to wrap his arms around Hoseok and never let go, have the other man feel at least half of what he was able to feel.

_You want to see past the crack in the door. You want all of him._

"Have me," he gasped out loud, right against the curved mouth and buried his hands in the blonde hair. "Please, Hoseok."

Maybe the artist who was holding him in his arms and made him moan from pleasure, considered his words babbling, simply humming, pushing another finger inside his body and kissing him more.

_You need to let him know you mean it._

Hyungwon wanted to, he really did, but his sensitivity didn't allow him to speak a single coherent word, moaning loudly and gasping for air in between. He wanted Hoseok so badly, but he didn't have a way to express it sufficiently, to make Hoseok believe him.

_You lied so often that he has no way of knowing your truth._

When the dizziness barely let him keep his eyes open, he pulled his thighs together to capture Hoseok in between and cupped the other man's beautiful face, kissing his lips once before meeting his gaze.

"Have me," he whispered again, making sure Hoseok could see that he knew what he was doing, that he wanted this. The next words were more difficult without pleasure blurring his senses, so he licked over his lips first, trembling a little. "P... please, Hoseok."

There was so much awareness in the black eyes, so much that he didn't like it, scared that the other man would decide to let go of him. He wanted Hoseok to be just as breathless and dizzy, needy and wanting to be close so badly that his lips trembled before he could say it.

But as usual, he could never predict what the artist would do and instead of saying anything, specifying, rejecting him or asking him to say more, Hoseok simply hummed again and leaned forward, kissing him so deeply and tenderly that he was about to lose his mind when the delicate hand continued slowly, to give him the space to think.

Exhaling roughly, Hyungwon kissed back and slipped his hand between their bodies, remembering exactly how Hoseok had pleased himself. He wanted to give the other man that and more, make him realize that it was okay, that Hyungwon could be just as safe. His fingers lightly scratched over the muscular chest before rubbing over a nipple, playing with it and observing the reaction that followed.

There was a flinch again, something that Hyungwon hadn't seen when Hoseok was in control of what was happening between them, but now it had happened for the second time. However, he couldn't think clearly, not with how precise Hoseok was with his motions and the thoughts about how it might feel if he could have it all.

_But you want him to feel safe too._

He needed to make sure and kissed the other man's mouth again, deepening the kiss while playing with the sensitive nipples before asking. "Is this okay, Hoseok? Do you like it?"

"Mhm. Do you?" the low voice asked for the first time in a while when the other man's fingers curled again and made his whole body shake.

_You don't only want him, you need him._

He nodded, not trusting his voice to speak and kissed Hoseok instead while letting his fingers travel lower, tracing the outline of Hoseok's length through his underwear. It was the first time that he could really feel how aroused the other man was while touching him. "Can I touch you?"

He expected all kinds of things, but not the black eyes to look at him and for the low voice to whisper, "I really want you to."

Biting down on his bottom lip, he nodded and let his fingers dance over the firm erection, rubbing over the tip and feeling the fabric damp from precum. Letting their lips touch once again, Hyungwon silenced his own moan and carefully slipped his hand into the tight underwear, wrapping around the hot length and sliding his index finger through the liquid at the tip.

Hoseok must've been holding his breath because there wasn't a single sound and only the way the muscular body shifted closer told him that it felt good enough to decrease the distance, to let him be closer than before. As if knowing that it was hard to think, Hoseok pulled his hand away, leaving him in a mixture of regret and feeling a bit more at ease knowing that he could control his motions properly.

"I really like how you feel in my hand," he whispered against Hoseok's lips and let his other hand stroke over the broad shoulders and muscular back until it arrived at the black underwear and he carefully pulled it down the other man's hips.

Hoseok dared to inhale once but kept the air in his lungs for a few seconds before letting go of it and kissing him, wrapping the muscular arms around him and turning to the side, probably to not squish him.

Hyungwon didn't dare close his eyes because the sight was so beautiful, the way the moonlight shone through the window and lit up Hoseok's features. The other man still looked attentive, but he seemed a tiny bit more at ease, or at least that's what he liked to think. The curved lips parted in a slow exhale and didn't look cracked for once and he couldn’t help but kiss them again, he needed to kiss them, to feel more, feel everything he could. Hyungwon loved every second of it, every touch, every breath that showed that they reacted the same and every single time their eyes met, making his skin tingle because it felt unreal to be looked at like that.

He exchanged his index finger with his thumb, rubbing over the tip and digging into the slit while the rest of his fingers stroked the thick erection. He liked the way he could trace the veins along it and how it twitched when their eyes met, as if there was more to the way they looked at each other.

_But you want him to feel even more._

"Can I taste you?" he asked and covered Hoseok's jaw in kisses, traveling down to his neck and nibbling on it. The scent was making him want to drown in it, the familiar mixture of flowers and paint.

"I'm giving you a one-time pass. Right now- I want you to touch me and you can do it without the usual rules, so just do it. Touch me," Hoseok whispered and roamed over his back, scratched along his sides and stroked over his hair affectionately.

_He wants you to touch him._

Hyungwon nodded and instantly travelled lower, impatient to taste Hoseok's skin and be able to trace with his tongue and mark it with his teeth. He sucked on the gorgeous nipples, loving how Hoseok's abdomen contracted in response and the erection twitched in his hand. He mixed the things he knew that Hoseok enjoyed with the things that he loved to do.

Next, he licked a line from Hoseok's nipples to his navel and dipped his tongue inside, humming because he loved the feeling of warm skin against his face along with the delicious scent.

"You're gorgeous," he murmured when he reached Hoseok's groin and covered the other man's thighs in kisses and bites while his right hand still stroked over the whole length.

When Hyungwon began to feel impatient, he leaned in and covered the tip with his lips, sucking briefly and using his tongue to rub over the slit. He tasted precum and the way Hoseok's thighs flexed this time was enough to make him want to do so much more.

"This feels nice," the low voice praised him, fingers in his hair pulling just to show that Hoseok liked it and not to make him stop as before. "And you are beautiful."

"I like it too," he murmured as he let the tip slide over his lips, enjoying the sensation before covering as much of Hoseok with his mouth as he was able to. The other man was a lot to take, but Hyungwon basked in the grip on his hair and the way Hoseok twitched in his throat when his lips briefly brushed over the skin of his groin. He pulled back right after, inhaling through his nose, but the response made him want to do it again, so he did, loving every single twitch.

_You want him to want you, so much that pleasing you won't be enough for him._

When he sank down once again and lifted his gaze, meeting Hoseok's, the curved lips parted in a low moan, gorgeous and breathy. It was a sound he didn't hear before, not when Hoseok was touching him and not when the other man was touching himself or had told him to open his mouth, being rough and in control.

_He's letting go, even if it's just for a little bit._

Hyungwon let his hands roam the firm thighs and the muscular abdomen as he sank down once again and swallowed, feeling another twitch in response as their eyes met. His own arousal was still making him dizzy and he rubbed the tip over his tongue for a few seconds to catch his breath and not touch himself.

"You said…" Hoseok breathed out before letting out a sound that felt so good to his ears that he wanted to hear it again and again. "You said that I could have you." Hoseok swallowed and pulled him off slowly. "Can I?"

The words sent another wave of arousal between his legs and Hyungwon chewed on his cheek as he lifted from in between Hoseok's legs and crawled on top of the other man's lap instead, hands roaming the firm chest.

"Do you want me?" he asked, and his voice betrayed him, quivering on the last two words because he was the one who wanted Hoseok more than he had dared to admit.

"Mhm. I do. I want you," Hoseok said quietly, but loud enough in the nightly silence and for him to hear every single word.

_He means it._

"Please have me then," he breathed out and reached for Hoseok's hands, placing them on his thighs and leading them upwards along his hips and chest to his face. "Because I want you too, Hoseok."

He watched Hoseok take out a condom and roll it over his thick length, then cover it in lube as the black eyes kept stealing glances at him, at his body but also his face, as if the other man wanted to make sure that it was something that he wanted.

_You do._

Chewing on his lips, Hyungwon crawled forward as soon as Hoseok was done preparing and placed his hands on the other man's shoulders. Anticipation was making him shake and he held his breath as he lifted his hips and placed one of Hoseok's hands on his hip bone, inviting him to lead him.

"It's… been a really long time, so…" he began but trailed off, unsure whether that would be something that might make Hoseok change his mind.

_But you want it._

"For me too. I can't remember the last time I have seen a face right in front of me," Hoseok muttered, and nibbled on his lip. "I have no idea why I want to do this all of a sudden."

Hyungwon smiled at that and leaned in to kiss the curved mouth before straightening his back and trying to relax. "Me either, Hoseok, but I still want to."

The blonde man hummed, licking his lips after his kiss and stroked over his ass before he felt the tip against his entrance gradually applying pressure. Hoseok's free hand travelled from his butt to his lower back and chest, fingers dancing over his skin like a light feather that made him feel so much more.

Hyungwon's eyes fluttered shut and he hissed, not used to it despite thorough preparation and arousal coursing through him. His fingers curled up against Hoseok's chest and he leaned in for another kiss because it helped him to feel at ease. As if knowing what he needed, Hoseok covered his mouth with his warm one, drowning him in the soft kiss and the tender licks against his lips while the pressure increased with every touch and every kiss that Hoseok shared with him.

When the head of Hoseok's erection slipped into his body, Hyungwon could feel the dizziness returning, making him gasp and his toes curl. It was the reason he never let anybody into his body, but the way Hoseok treated him made it okay, made him want to lose all his senses and let go.

A warm palm stroked over his arm and his thigh when he heard Hoseok's low voice asking him if it was okay and not moving a single inch until he assured him that he was. Hoseok was so attentive, despite hissing at the way his body clenched around him and ignoring the prominent twitches that he could feel all too well.

When he felt warm skin against his thighs and behind, Hyungwon finally dared to exhale softly, trembling because despite feeling full, he liked the sensation so much. A twitch of Hoseok's length inside of him was enough to make him moan loudly and almost fall forward, nails scratching over the tattooed chest.

Hoseok was inhaling irregularly, holding his breath and exhaling everything at once as his hands continued being all over his body, sliding over his skin, scratching and cupping his shoulders, hips, his butt, making him even more dizzy. "You feel so good," the low voice whispered.

"You- you too," he forced out and moaned again, head thrown back and hips at the brink of moving on their own.

"Would it be okay for me to take care of you right now? To make sure that you don't have to think?" Hoseok moved his own hips a bit, covering his vision in white as the warm palms curled around his hips.

"Please," he murmured and let his eyes flutter shut, thighs shaking from how good it felt and how badly he wanted more. He lifted his hips just enough for Hoseok to move inside of him if he wanted to and placed his palms flat against the muscular chest. He wanted him so much.

Hoseok moved carefully at first but grew bolder as soon as he realized how much he liked it. The pale hands held him, caressed his body, played with him, made him feel good in more ways than one, just like the dark gaze that was focused on his face as if that had been the sole reason for the artist wanting him.

“Would you like to try a better angle?” Hoseok asked quietly, scratching over his thighs and making him tremble, overwhelmed by the onslaught of sensations.

Hyungwon nodded instantly and tried to catch his breath when Hoseok’s hips stilled for a moment. The arousal remained as every single twitch and shift sent another wave of pleasure down his spine, but he used the time to open his eyes and look at Hoseok’s face, to examine the way the other man was looking at him, whether he felt just as much.

The fullness disappeared, and he regretted it instantly, but Hoseok didn’t leave him much time to think as he turned him on his stomach and Hyungwon registered the warm body settle on top of him, before he was filled out and the weight pressed him down a little, accompanied by Hoseok’s low voice whispering right next to his ear. “Tell me if you like it,” it said before the other man moved, covering his neck in kisses and bites.

He whimpered, muffling the sounds in the pillow and burying his nails in the sheets right next to it. It felt good and even though it seemed like he couldn’t move much, couldn’t decide what was about to happen next, Hyungwon didn’t mind and let the man above him decide, handing him the control as if he was meant to have it in the first place. It wasn’t like him, but somehow none of the things Hoseok made him feel or do seemed to be like him.

“Please,” he muttered again and tried to lift his hips to feel more, to show how much he enjoyed it. “I can barely breathe because I feel so good.”

“I love how it feels to touch you with all of my body, that’s why I wanted to try it.” Hoseok shifted a bit and hit just right, rolling his hips into him, muscular thighs flexing against his own. “I will take care of you.”

_He will._

Hyungwon couldn’t believe how convinced he was of that fact, as if the purpose of his dream was to show him that there was nothing to be afraid of when he was next to Hoseok. No matter what Hyungwon had done over the past two weeks, no matter what he said and whether he upset the artist who was causing stars to dance in his vision right this instant, Hoseok had never done anything to hurt him.

_And he never would._

“Go faster,” he breathed out and rubbed his face over the pillow, feeling dizzy and immobile all over again because the pleasure was taking away his sense of self. “I like it so much.”

Instead of complying, Hoseok disconnected their bodies again and pulled him on top of himself, with his back lying on top of the muscular chest and stomach as the thick length entered his body again.

“You are sensitive, so you might like this too,” the low voice whispered, warm hands wrapping around his thighs and lifting them before Hoseok started moving, first slow, then faster, hitting dead on and finally Hyungwon could hear gorgeous, low moans right next to his ear that Hoseok tried to suppress by placing kisses against his neck and shoulders.

_You don't want him to suppress it, you want to hear it all._

Hyungwon was barely aware of the sounds that left his own lips, a mixture of moans and screams, but he couldn't get enough of those low, breathy groans that brushed over his ear and tickled the skin on his neck. It seemed like Hoseok was beginning to feel the way he was, breathless, needy and mesmerizing by the building up pleasure.

"I want you so much," he muttered and tried to reach for Hoseok's hair, brushing over it desperately. "I want you so much, Hoseok. You make me feel like I can let go."

“You can let go with me. I will take care of you,” the low voice moaned, followed by another gorgeous groan as Hoseok buried himself deeper and made his whole body shake in arousal and need. “I want you too. I want you, Hyungwon.” It felt exhilarating to hear Hoseok say his name in a voice that spoke of need and unquenchable arousal, having him admit that he wanted the same thing, that it drove him insane too.

The dizziness was only increasing and Hyungwon struggled to form a single coherent thought, body relaxing as he let the other man decide the rhythm and keep him in place. Loud moans echoed off the walls and Hyungwon couldn't tell who they belonged to anymore as reality blurred and left nothing but bright white that covered his vision as his orgasm washed over him without a warning, pulling a scream of Hoseok's name from his lips.

The next thing he registered was again the smell of flowers and a cool sensation against his stomach and between his legs as Hoseok cleaned him up after pulling out. Warm fingertips danced along his skin, tickling the consciousness to make it return faster and making him finally open his eyes to see Hoseok’s face, a beautiful smile and the delicate hand that brushed his hair away from his forehead.

Hyungwon hummed, still feeling slightly dizzy and wrapped his arms around the broad neck, surrounding himself with more of that addicting scent. When he wrapped his legs around Hoseok's hips to be even closer, he felt the other man's firm erection against his thigh, telling him that Hoseok hadn't orgasmed yet.

_Because he was taking care of you._

"Come here," he whispered and shifted his hips while his fingers played with the slightly damp blonde hair. "I want to see you come, Hoseok."

“Don’t worry, it felt really good, there’s no need.” The dark gaze was firmly focused on his face and Hoseok continued blessing him with affectionate touches and warm fingertips that traced the shape of his parted lips.

_But you want it to feel even better._

"But what if I want to make you feel more?" he murmured and leaned in to kiss Hoseok's mouth, enjoying the touch as he let his right hand slip between their bodies and trace the other man's still filled out length. "Come inside me."

The black eyes rolled back and Hoseok moaned quietly, before looking back at him. “Make me.”

Hyungwon's fingers tingled in response to the words and he used his arm around Hoseok's neck to turn them and sit down on top of the other man's lap, erection firmly trapped between his butt cheeks.

"I will," he whispered and lifted up, using his right hand to wrap around Hoseok's length and align it with his body while his other hand played with the sensitive nipples, rubbing over them repeatedly. He wanted Hoseok to be the one to let go this time, to bask in the pleasure that his body and hands could provide.

Relaxing to bear the intrusion, he sank down the thick length and contracted on purpose. Hyungwon had to fight to keep his awareness, but he didn't want to miss a single second of pleasure on the other man's face.

Hoseok moaned, eyes rolling back and fingers tightening around his thighs as he felt the others hips stutter forward, meeting his motion.

_He must be feeling so desperate while still holding back._

"You don't need to hold back with me," he whispered and let his right hand join the left on Hoseok's chest, scratching over the firm muscles and playing with the sensitive buds. He wanted the artist to feel dizzy too, impatient to feel more of him. "I love everything you do."

He lifted his hips once more before sinking down right after, rougher this time and feeling too good to keep his eyes open at first until he caught himself again. It was easy to find a rhythm, one that provided him with the sounds he wanted to hear so badly.

"Liar," Hoseok breathed out before groaning loudly and meeting his hip roll, thrusting up as soon as he was slamming his hips down. There were some sweat drops developing on the pale forehead and Hoseok's curved mouth remained parted, letting out sounds that were addictive because he wanted to hear more and more of them before the strong grip kept him in place and he felt the other man's length twitch inside his body, accompanied by a beautiful low groan and heavy exhales, rough and raw.

_He's gorgeous, so damn gorgeous._

Hyungwon didn't wait and instantly leaned down to kiss the curved mouth, enjoying how hot Hoseok's lips were right after orgasm and how easily he could capture the desperate exhales with his lips.

"You're right," he murmured and broke the kiss to meet the dark gaze. "I am a liar, but not about everything. I mean it when I say that I want you, that you make me feel and that I feel at ease next to you. I dreamt about it."

_It's so easy to say the truth in the moonlight._

Instead of replying, Hoseok wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, chests touching and curved lips tasting him with so much affection that Hyungwon couldn't help but melt into the touch.

_This is so intimate. Is he aware?_

"I think I'll miss your scent," he murmured when their lips parted, and he inhaled once more, letting the mixture fill out his nose. "It makes me feel too. Like everything about you, Hoseok."

"I don't like my name. Like myself, but I will miss you saying it. I really like how it sounds." Hoseok buried his face in the crook of his neck and he could feel that the other man was holding his breath, just like the delicate hands held onto him.

It seemed like Hoseok was unwilling to let go but just like Hyungwon the artist knew that they would.

Because the time was up, slipping right through his fingers.

***

_He's still sleeping and it's almost time._

Hoseok got a message that the driver was almost here and forced himself to peek out of his studio, just to see the tall figure on the bed, hugging the blanket, one leg thrown over it as if it was a person.

_What have you done?_

He had given up his control and pulled out a version of himself he didn't want to see, the vulnerable one, the version that flinched when he was touched even though he liked it. The person who said things that would later be used to hurt him. He, who had locked the door and didn't want to let anyone inside his gallery, found himself pulling the keys out of his chest and playing with the thought of opening it, only because Hyungwon had smiled and told him that he dreamt about him, making him feel as if he had been the reason for the breathtakingly beautiful smile. Hoseok felt as if he needed to pay back after doing something he knew Hyungwon didn't like. He couldn't let any hurt remain, because he knew so well that it would settle in the picture with all his regrets and torture him until the end of times.

_You couldn't hurt him._

As always, he never learned. Although he knew that he shouldn't have done it, he did. He let Hyungwon watch him staring at those keys, affected by the way the other man looked in the moonlight. By the way he looked at him.

He connected their bodies in a way he normally didn’t allow because a gaze made it so much scarier, so deep and intimate. The gazes were like ropes that connected in a knot because it was clear that there was more to it and it was visible like that. The longer one looked the more the knot tightened and the less one could separate it again.

_Usually you need to cut it and bleed it out, but the situation will cut it for you. Clean and without loose ends._

He walked towards the entrance and opened the door, gesturing at the driver to be quiet as he led him towards the studio and pointed at the packed canvas that had to leave with Hyungwon because it was him underneath.

_You can't keep anything here and it's his anyway. Tied with your ropes, but still it's him._

He gave precise instructions and let the man carry the big canvas out to the car by using the studio exit. It was time for Hyungwon to wake up. And for him.

_It was a one-time pass. You told him, and you know it yourself. It was once._

_A mistake…_

He knew that he wouldn't be able to see the other man leave, the feeling of dread was too thick in his veins, so he put on his shoes and pointed at the couch for the driver to sit on and to wait for Hyungwon to wake up. Hoseok glanced at the big bed, the rays of sunshine dancing on Hyungwon's golden skin and those thick lips that spread in another smile. There was no use in feeling like this, so he took his keys and stopped in front of the window, looking at the crow that came even though he had forgotten to give it food for the past seven days.

_But it still came._

"I'm sorry," he whispered, unsure whether he was talking to the bird outside of his window, to the person laying in his bed or to himself as he left the house and felt once again as if it was best to stop existing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 7**

An incessant vibrating sounded through the room and Hyungwon hissed in annoyance, attempting to ignore it as he returned his attention to his computer screen and the over twenty pages of written word that were staring back at him.

_You’re not getting anywhere with this, are you?_

He sighed out loud and lifted his right hand to his temple, massaging it in the hope of squeezing more creative juices out of his brain. Despite producing enough content for a whole documentary series, it seemed like it wasn’t enough yet, incomplete and therefore unpublishable. The vibrating continued and a brief glance at the screen told him that it was his friend from Tendencias del Mercado del Arte calling.

_You cannot ignore that._

Unfortunately, that meant the call was important enough to interrupt his unproductive staring contest with his notes, so he grabbed the device and pressed the accept button, waiting to be yelled at.

“Alex, I really don’t mean to pressure you, but-”

_But that’s exactly what she’s going to do._

“Mmh?” he replied to show that he was listening while absentmindedly scrolling through his twenty pages to trick himself into thinking that it was enough. It wasn’t.

"But you've been telling me about this crazy extra you have been planning for ages, updating me about how you are close to the truth and that you know the real Ok Seho. You can't just tell me that and then give me nothing for a month. Where's that article you promised?" Carla sounded about as exhausted as he felt, impatient but also a hint disappointed. The fact that Hyungwon felt the same way was proof that it was justified.

_Where's that article you promised, Hyungwon?_

"In the process," he murmured and scrolled through the twenty pages again, descriptions of the creative process, of the inspiration for the paintings, that most of them were inner demons that the other man covered up with paint, only leaving abstract compositions of dark colours. Hyungwon had described it all, the other man's struggles to get through the day, his attempts to escape through his studio and through his dominant nature. Most of the artist's sexual life he had kept cryptic and to himself because it wasn't directly connected to the art, but everything else was described in detail.

_Isn't this what you wanted, the proof that all those journalists have no fucking idea what they are talking about?_

The problem was that it felt like Hyungwon also had no fucking idea what he was talking about.

"What do you mean 'in the process'? Listen, you were stuck in Madrid for two weeks, just for this. You write articles in less than a week, so why is it suddenly a month? I'm just curious. It's not like you."

_Because usually you have all the information you need, but now you don't. It's incomplete._

“Yeah, this one is a little more complicated than usual, lots of details. I’m sure you’ll understand as soon as you see, Carla. This is worth the wait.” Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and closed the document, feeling like he was going to go mad if he stared at it for any longer than he already had. Carla probably couldn’t imagine it, but he did spend the past month on that document, sleeping less than he should have while adjusting details and trying to make it perfect, to make it show the essence of what was important and that in the end, all of them had been wrong.

_Even you didn’t know that he was hiding something underneath the paint, that there was a meaning in the arrangement of dark colours. But the meaning only becomes apparent if one sees what is hidden below the thick layers of black._

“I get it, Alex, I do. But this isn't as easy as you make it sound. You need to get a spot in the issue and I can’t keep holding one open for this article of yours, not for several issues straight. Just keep that in mind, alright?”

_She’s right._

He hummed in reply, knowing that he had no real defence, even if the article appeared unfinished to him. There were still so many things he didn’t know about Hoseok. What had happened to the other man’s family? Where were they and why did he never call? Who was that agent that the artist talked to, was he aware of his peculiarities and struggles? Was he a friend and did Hoseok even have friends?

_Is he eating properly? What if he isn’t?_

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and merely hummed once more as Carla finished her lecture and hung up on him, leaving the silence of his small apartment in Barcelona that smelled like the sea and his vast collection of regrets.

_You should have denied that car ride and stayed longer. Since when do you do what you are told?_

There were updates on his art once in a while, so Hoseok must have been doing well enough to paint, but Hyungwon knew that meant nothing. The artist didn’t need much to be able to paint, no more than moving hands and just enough awareness to cover up whatever was hiding inside his mind.

_There is so much you don’t know about him. You left right when he opened the door for you, right when you were able to see him for the first time._

He sighed and buried his head in his hands for a few moments, collecting his wits before he dared to turn around and look at the canvas hanging above his double bed, spanning the whole width and making him feel more than he allowed himself most days. Maybe it was not the best spot for a painting of that size, a painting that he knew depicted him, covered in ropes and so accurate that it still sent shivers down his spine.

_You still don’t know why he needed to cover it, how it was connected to his inner demons._

Hyungwon had also taken the small painting that belonged to him, the red moon that was now covered in purple and black, shining through at the spot that Hyungwon scratched over back then. Just like at Hoseok’s house, the canvas stood on his night table, ending up being the first thing he saw when he woke up.

_You should have stayed, but at the same time it sometimes feels like you never left._

He stood up from his chair and walked the few steps over to the window, opening it just enough to let in the breeze, smelling like the ocean. Closing his eyes, he smiled, relaxing because he enjoyed the scent so much.

_Sometimes you miss the flowers and the paint, even though it’s already been a month and you should have forgotten all about it._

Maybe Hyungwon would, as soon as he knew it all, as soon as he could finish the article and get it over with by showing everybody the truth. The truth that even he couldn’t have anticipated.

Inhaling the scent of salt and sea one more time, he closed the window again and returned to his desk. He was determined to focus and move forward, make sense of his notes and maybe recognize something that he hadn’t seen all this time, something that his photographs and the words in his notebook couldn’t reveal by themselves.

_How often have you mentally recapped everything that happened, using the detailed images in your head and moving through them one by one?_

Hyungwon had lost count and still the article didn’t feel right. Scratching over the jeans fabric on his thighs, he opened his search engine and typed in ‘Ok Seho’, doing his daily search for new information that might aid him with his task. Instead of finding nothing or another terrible article on how Ok Seho was hiding zodiac signs in his art, Hyungwon was met with a rather neutral and simple update on the Barcelona Museum of Contemporary Art receiving a total of four new paintings for their permanent collection by the renowned artist and how much of an honour it was after only being able to display a few pieces during short exhibitions.

_There will be new art, Hyungwon. You could see something that nobody else can._

Excited, he searched for more information, finding out that the paintings were supposed to arrive in two days and be exhibited in their own hall. It wasn’t clear when exactly the paintings were going to be available to the general public, but Hyungwon didn’t care because he wasn’t the general public.

He was going to see more of Ok Seho in two days and nobody was going to stop him.

_

The architecture of Barcelona's Museum of Contemporary Art was surprisingly modern considering how closely it was located to the Gothic centre of the city, surrounded by some of the oldest streets and buildings. Amidst all that, the museum was like a hidden pearl, a shiny glass box that contained an overview of what art had become over the years.

_Any other artist would consider it an accomplishment to have his works be exhibited here, but you know that he won't care._

One of his first realizations had been that Hoseok didn't care about fame and neither did he care about money. The artist didn't need any of those things and the moment he called his own art 'worthless' made that painfully apparent.

_What would he need money for if there is nothing that he owns apart from paint and ropes?_

The sight of the gigantic glass front of the museum got him excited and Hyungwon pulled his cap a little lower on his face. The brown pants and equally brown shirt weren't his style and not particularly comfortable either, but at least they were consistent.

_They never use any other service, you know them too well._

Sneaking into the museum might have been easier any other day, but they were cautious and always closed it on delivery days. Thus, there weren't many alternatives apart from being in charge of the delivery.

When his eyes fell on a familiar face next to a gigantic truck at the back entrance, Hyungwon smiled brightly and waved before calling out to the tall man with three-day-stubble.

"Hyungwon!" Leonardo exclaimed and grinned at him before gesturing at the four packed up paintings inside the truck. Hyungwon wanted to rip off the protective covers, but that would have to wait until he was inside. Some of the other members of the team seemed surprised by his appearance, but there was nothing suspicious about a familiar face, so they merely smiled or nodded at him. "You're here for this? What a coincidence! I didn't know you were assigned for the art delivery too. We should totally meet for a beer again."

_Of course, what a coincidence._

"We should," he replied and smiled again before pulling his cap further down on his face as a museum employee opened the door and asked for them to begin transporting the artworks inside.

_Lucky, no need to waste more time with small talk._

Several members of security were in place and watched over the whole process and Hyungwon mentally praised himself for preparing in advance and making sure that he seemed to be a well-established part of the team.

Leonardo was excitedly telling him more about his two small children at home and how much work there was with the current situation because people started buying all kinds of things, even furniture. He was glad that none of the other team members felt the need to introduce themselves and make him stick out.

As soon as he grabbed one of the gigantic canvases with another guy, he wondered why he always ended up doing physically straining things for his articles. Journalists were supposed to chill and gain information, but Hyungwon was rather hands on about the whole thing.

His excitement built up as they made their way past security and through several rooms until they reached the one where the paintings were supposed to be hung up in the end. Hyungwon made sure not to show his face and was glad that the uniform was loose and therefore revealed nothing of his body. A glance around showed that there were quite a few people around and not all of them were museum staff, so blending in was possible.

_You've done this often enough._

After carrying two out of four paintings inside, Hyungwon knew that he had to be smooth about this, so he wiped over his forehead and smiled at Leonardo before telling him that he was going to use the restroom and would love to hang out again.

_If the opportunity arises._

Security wasn't too interested in their conversation or his whereabouts, now that all paintings were safely stored in the hall, so Hyungwon quickly made his way to the restroom and chose his favourite stall. It was the one closest to the entrance and the reason was simple.

_Nobody would suspect it and the tiles are nice._

Smiling to himself, he fumbled with one of the tiles closest to the wall and opened it up. He had created the hideout about two years ago for cases like this one. Taking out the uniform that was hiding inside, he placed it on the closed toilet lid and changed quickly, hiding the brown delivery attire inside the hole replaced with the elegant suit including an ear piece.

_The perfect member of museum security._

Once he had closed all the buttons of his shirt and fixed his in-ear, he brushed through his hair once and made his way back to the exhibition hall. It was relatively full, probably because of location planning, but that meant he could blend in nicely.

One of the paintings had already been unpacked and Hyungwon instantly made his way over there, hands shaking a little because apart from the ones he owned, the last time he had seen one of Hoseok's paintings face to face had been a month ago.

_Before you went back to Barcelona._

It was big, and a brief glance was enough to know that it was a painting that Hoseok had completed after he was gone. There was so much darkness that he had trouble breathing and the thickness of the brush strokes, the paint that dried in literal clumps, told him that Hoseok really wanted to cover everything that was underneath.

_And you want to uncover it._

Hyungwon felt the need to scratch over the darkest part, to reveal a glimpse of red, but this time there were too many people watching.

Slipping just the top part of his phone outside of his pocket, just enough to reveal the camera, he pressed the side button to take a photo. It wasn't necessary because he could remember it if he stared at it long enough, but Hyungwon preferred to be sure, to know that he had grasped the details correctly.

_This is him and you can feel it so much, as if he's shining through and you can touch him if only you reach out._

Hyungwon swallowed and turned away, aware that for a security guard he was staring at the artwork too much. Nibbling on his bottom lip, he made his way to one of the corners of the room and let his gaze roam the hall absentmindedly. There was no need to be attentive of the people around, not when he only cared about the second painting that was slowly being uncovered.

His excitement returned, and he had missed it so much. It seemed like the past month had been a gaping emptiness that Hyungwon had attempted to fill with more information and details for his article. It wasn't the same and couldn't replicate the level of excitement that living in Madrid had been able to.

_You want to reveal the red, on all these paintings._

Maybe Hyungwon would once the museum reopened, and he visited as a guest, using the fact that nobody suspected somebody like him to get too close to a painting.

When the second painting was finally uncovered and the bunch of people discussing where to put it moved off to the side, Hyungwon dared to come closer again and almost gasped when his eyes fell on the colours. It looked like a violet-blue sunset drowning in a sea of thick black paint, and only a single dot, in the upper right corner had that specific shade of grey that he remembered from the time Hoseok had painted him. The one that the other man had used to cover his face.

_There must be a face below, and these lines must be part of the body._

Hyungwon wanted to reach out so badly and touch them, trace the strokes with his fingertips and feel what Hoseok had hidden beneath it. It seemed like he was able to recognise patterns now, able to close his eyes and see how Hoseok covered the canvas behind the thick glass to his studio.

_You want to scratch it off even though you love the way it makes you feel._

His fingers tingled, and he was barely aware of moving a step closer, right on the edge of what was acceptable. His hand jerked briefly, and he carefully lifted it, slowly and barely visible from those around him when suddenly, there was a breath right next to his neck that made him freeze in place.

“Don’t even think about scratching it, or I’ll kill you, kitty,” a low voice breathed into his ear, filling his nose with a mixture of flowers, some perfume and freshly washed clothes.

_It's him._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and even though he couldn't quite believe it, his body was already yearning to turn around and lean closer, to smell more of the scent that he didn't dare to admit that he missed.

_He's here._

Inhaling sharply, he slowly turned his head, perfectly aware that he couldn't attract too much attention with his fake identity. Even though he should have been nervous, maybe even scared, he only felt excitement that increased with every inch of clothes and finally skin that he was able to see until his eyes met round, black ones, staring right back at him.

_As intense as ever._

Hoseok’s blonde hair fell softly on the pale forehead and he had the feeling that he only needed to exhale against it for the silky strands to move, to make the sight more real. Instead of the usual black linen clothes, the muscular body was covered in tight black jeans, fancy shoes and a grey silk shirt, opened on the top, probably because Barcelona was incredibly humid. Everything about the artist was gorgeous, but his gaze, his black eyes that caught him just like that and didn’t let go no matter how many seconds ticked by were what fascinated him the most. It reminded him of the works of art that he enjoyed so much, only deeper, so much deeper and so much harder to get through.

_You can scratch the paint off his art, but you can't scratch the cover off his gaze, not unless he lets you._

"You wouldn't," he whispered and dared to exhale in such a way that Hoseok could feel it on his lips and jaw. His trip to the museum had not only given him another glimpse of the other man's art, but it had gifted him the man himself, standing right there in front of him, in Barcelona. "You wouldn't, Hoseok. Because you could never hurt me."

***

“This reminds me of our first time visiting the Prado because you wouldn’t believe me that your pictures were hanging on those walls,” his agent commented and smiled brightly, making his eyes turn into crescents and it looked so incredibly cute and genuine. Like a happy panda bear.

_One might think you are affectionate. But he's indeed naturally cute._

“I still don’t believe it.” Hoseok smiled and brushed his freshly washed hair back, looking up to see the blonde strands fall back onto his forehead, before his gaze returned to the slightly taller man next to him. “I remember going to the exhibition by myself once, and there was that man who was talking to a group of students, saying that picture 10.04 was about Ok Seho missing his girlfriend and the colours show the longing in the curve of the… bullshit. Anyways, it was so traumatic that I never went again. The only reason I decided to come now is the sea and the fact that the gallery isn't open to the public yet.”

“It wasn’t about your girlfriend?” Hyunwoo giggled and smiled in apology when Hoseok glared at him. “Yeah, I know, but that comes from your secluded lifestyle. People are curious, they assume, there's no way to know and you’re hiding so well, it’s remarkable. Sometimes it seems like the time that I first met you was in a different dimension.”

“Maybe. Was I happy back then?”

Hyunwoo shook his head and glanced at the staff who unpacked the second painting, calling him over to talk about the placement.

“Where do you want it?” he asked quietly and Hoseok glanced around until his eyes fell on a tall man in staff clothes who moved closer to the second picture, the one he had drawn two weeks after he was alone in his house and when it finally stopped smelling like the person that he had tried so hard to forget but couldn’t. He had drawn him again, this time he drew the smile. The smile that he knew so well because he had seen it every night when a dream made the thick lips spread in a soft display of satisfaction. It was there, right under the light dot and everything else was him not being able to get rid of all the regrets that surrounded it. The black.

Hoseok sighed and was about to look away, but the person stepped closer to his painting in a motion so familiar that he stopped breathing for a second, to not be distracted by the sound of his own exhales as he observed the figure disregarding the 1,5m rule and tilting his head. Grabbing Hyunwoo’s sleeve, he ordered the other man to wait for him as he stepped closer, walking around until the profile that he could’ve drawn with his eyes closed didn’t leave any room for a mistake.

_It’s him, Hoseok. It’s…_

His thoughts were about to drift away in the same direction as they did for the past four weeks, but Hyungwon took his hand out of his pocket and stepped even closer, lifting it in the air.

_Is he going to scratch away the cover that you tried so hard to paint?_

He got angry and looked around, before quickly moving towards the other man and stopping right behind him, still on time to prevent any damage to his work.

_It’s not about damage. It’s about him still knocking on the fucking door and you can’t ignore it._

How could it be that they met again, in a gallery in Barcelona, on that specific day?

_Because he’s not a staff member and you didn’t just come because of the sea._

Leaning so close that Hyungwon must’ve felt his every breath, Hoseok whispered that he would kill him if he dared to scratch his painting. He didn’t know what he expected, but the sight took his breath away. Hyungwon looked gorgeous, even wearing that stupid ear piece that wasn’t even connected to the main receiver, the loose clothes and knowing too well that Hoseok wouldn’t believe a single thing he said as an excuse.

_And still… he’s here. Where your works are. Where you are._

_Why?_

That had been the question that tortured him. There was no answer to why the black-haired con-artist ended up in his house, why he was so interested in him and his art and why he was here again, trying to dig through the endless layers of black paint only to see his demons. Why?

The big brown eyes held his gaze so well, just like he remembered and Hyungwon didn’t make any attempts to leave or act as if he didn’t see him. The thick lips parted, stating that he would never hurt him, pronouncing his name and making him flinch at the sound of it, spoken out in that low voice that had a breathy undertone, especially when Hyungwon wanted him to feel his exhale against his skin.

_You know it so well and he thinks that you won’t hurt him. He probably knows that he has the advantage of knowing something that others don’t. That it’s you who painted those pictures that the people admire._

“That depends on your behaviour,” he hissed and looked around, meeting his agent’s surprised gaze before returning it to Hyungwon’s antics. “Don’t touch it. You left enough scratches, don’t you think?”

"Maybe you didn't leave enough," the other man replied and turned his attention back to his painting, lips trembling as if the sight genuinely affected him. "There is a person underneath, isn't there?"

_Mhm. The person._

“Who knows. I can’t remember,” he lied and nodded at Hyunwoo to wait a little more before the tingling of his skin in response to meeting Hyungwon resulted in him putting some distance between them. “You’re not staff, aren’t you?”

"Who knows, I can't remember," Hyungwon replied and grinned at him before stepping closer, as if he knew the reason for moving back and didn't allow him the peace. "Why are you in Barcelona? You've never bothered to come yourself before."

“Are you a stalker? How do you know?” He tilted his head and clenched and unclenched his fists to get rid of the adrenaline. He wasn’t prepared for the possibility of meeting in the museum.

_You imagined meeting him by the sea, occasionally. And acting as if you two had never met before. Just walking past and feeling how the picture with regrets burned in a bright red, illuminating his gallery._

“I heard the sea is pretty, so I decided to see for myself,” he commented absentmindedly.

He could feel Hyungwon's eyes on him and recognised a spark of curiosity. It was the same one he had seen whenever he said something that captured the other man's interest.

"Don't you think…" Hyungwon briefly glanced at the painting before turning towards him with his whole body and playing with one sleeve of his button down. A smile was on the plump lips. "... That it would be better to see the sea with somebody who knows it like the back of his hand? Somebody like… me."

“Sure,” he replied, knowing so well that they didn’t have each other’s contact information and there was no way to meet in a city as big as Barcelona just like that. “Don’t scratch off the paint,” he whispered, leaning in and breathing the next words into Hyungwon’s pretty ear. “There’s you under it.”

The other man didn't reply, but Hoseok could see goose bumps on the delicate neck and Hyungwon's eyes widen before instantly turning back to the painting. The focused gaze jumped from one spot to the next, as if Hyungwon tried to understand what was hidden beneath the thick layer of dark paint.

_There is no way for him to know._

The thought calmed him down a bit because at least he was able to cover his thoughts, his demons, his regrets with a thick layer of black paint. It was enough that he knew what was bleeding underneath. Just as the thought passed his mind and was about to turn into a shortcut straight into the gallery that was so filled with his regrets that he couldn’t breathe in there anymore, Hyunwoo’s warm palm squeezed his shoulder and he was addressed by his last name, just as they agreed on.

“The wall across,” he murmured and shook his head, giving a signal that it wasn’t necessary to act around Hyungwon.

_It isn’t?_

“Oh, do you know him?” Hyunwoo asked and gestured at Hyungwon, smiling briefly.

“Mhm. By chance,” he replied and put more distance between them. “See you around then.”

"Oh, nice to see you, Hyunwoo," Hyungwon commented suddenly, tone playful and as if to keep him from leaving. A bright smile spread the plump mouth and long fingers brushed through Hyungwon's black hair. "I didn't know that you know Hoseok."

_What… is going on?_

In general, it wasn't very unusual that his agent knew everybody and their mother, but this time he really didn't like where this was going.

_He's literally the only other person that you're close to._

"Oh, I didn't know that you knew each other. We've been friends for almost seven years now, but as you probably know…" Hyunwoo glanced at him but the only expression he had left was mindless staring, dumbfounded and unsure what to do about it yet. "He likes solitude, and I respect that. It's been a long time, how have you been?"

Hyungwon's smile remained on his lips and there was something fascinating about the way he talked to other people, almost as if he knew which strings to pull to get the answer he wanted. The other man's body language changed and didn't correspond to what Hoseok had observed during the two weeks that Hyungwon stayed in Madrid.

_You don't like it._

"I've been good, got to travel recently. I still miss your bar, but I hope you enjoy what you are doing now." It sounded friendly and Hyungwon stepped closer towards Hyunwoo, as if to increase familiarity even though it sounded like they weren't as close as Hyungwon made it seem. "Hoseok just told me that he'd love to see the sea and since it's the place I love the most, we agreed that I could show him around. Did you guys have plans?"

_That con artist._

Meeting his eyes with an expression of genuine surprise, his agent made the conclusion that it was okay to tell Hyungwon their hotel and invite him for a drink in the evening.

_Is he trying to make you socialize, or does he like him?_

Hoseok wasn't sure, but how could Hyunwoo like him if it was obvious that Hyungwon was lying as soon as he opened his mouth.

_Two days. It's only two days and then you're going back._

"Bad kitty," he hissed, loud enough for Hyungwon to hear and licked his lips. For a moment those big eyes met his before they smoothly slipped right back into role-playing.

"Well, as we're leaving in two days, I guess you should enjoy it to the fullest. Who knows whether you're ever going to come back." Hyunwoo looked at him with a smile but there was too much truth to it, so he didn't smile back.

_

Hoseok didn't like appointments. It created this pressuring kind of anxiety, stemming from his inability to fit the mood, to create a certain mindset to meet other people, be interested in their problems and listen to their mindless talk while the door to the gallery remained open and he could smell the familiar scent of paint and the voices of his regrets, telling him that it was safe to go back. Safer than outside.

It was the same now. Hyunwoo told him that he should come down at nine and it was almost nine, but all he wanted was to crawl under the white blanket that smelled like nothing and think nothing. The thought of meeting his friend and agent who knew him before he was Ok Seho and the person who managed to keep scratching on the door to his gallery without knowing him at all, in the same room, caught in a social situation, made him nauseous.

_You don't want to make conversation. Maybe you should let them meet and… Whatever._

The thought made him jump in bed and stare at the wall. It wasn't because he thought that Hyunwoo might like the black-haired man, it was the fact that those two shouldn’t be around each other too much.

_He's a bad kitty._

Slipping into the tight black jeans, he felt an unbearable longing to return to his black linen clothes that smelled like paint and felt more like his skin could breathe, but he decided to come here once to see the sea and he would see it while dressed like a typical muscular prick to not attract any attention. Leaving a few buttons open on the dark blue silk shirt, Hoseok used a bit of the perfume that smelled like flowers and peaches that Hyunwoo gave him and fixed his hair. If ruffling it up and giving up on it right after could be considered 'fixing'.

_It's nine._

He wasn't ready, but at the same time he was probably never going to be, so he slipped into his shoes and walked to the door, opening it with a sigh.

He expected to see the white wall right across from his room, the way he had the past few times he’d left it. However, instead of blank tapestry, he was met with a blank canvas as Hyungwon leaned against the wall, dressed in white as if to mock him, with his hands hidden in the pockets of his light grey jeans with rips all over his thighs and knees.

"I wasn't sure if you would come out," the other man remarked before a smile lit up his face. It was different from the one he had given Hyunwoo even if it wasn't the one Hoseok had painted before covering it up. "I'm glad you did."

"I'm thinking of going back inside," he murmured, taking a step back into the room and lifting one hand to massage his temple because apparently the sight was enough of a reason to get a headache.

_He looks gorgeous._

It was the kind of gorgeous that one saw in movies because stylists carefully picked out how a certain protagonist should look to impress and create a connection to the viewer.

_But you don't watch movies. You just came here because otherwise the paint was going to suffocate you._

"You won't get rid of me that easily," Hyungwon murmured and as if that was the way of things he simply moved forward and pushed him into the room, one hand carelessly throwing the door shut behind them. "Now you're back inside, but it's still the same, isn't it?"

Hoseok lifted one eyebrow at Hyungwon's sudden bravery and crossed both arms in front of his chest. "It's the same because you came in with me."

"And I thought you got used to my presence over those two weeks." Hyungwon pouted playfully before sitting down on the armrest of his hotel couch and chewing on his cheek. "Why did you paint me again?"

"To get rid of the image and the way it feels. As usual." He licked over his lips and remained where he was, leaning against the wall next to the door with his arms crossed.

"But it didn't work," Hyungwon whispered and met his gaze. "As usual."

"Did you read it in my horoscope? What else did it say?" he replied, holding the other man's gaze and feeling the tension between them grow thicker. He was pushing away as much as he could, and Hyungwon seemed to be aggressively active, it was dangerous. "I thought four weeks would be enough for you to lose interest."

"Is that what you hoped for?" Hyungwon sounded challenging, but something about the expression on the other man's face told him that he might have been hoping for the same. "What are four weeks of emptiness compared to two weeks overflowing with colour?"

"I don't know, you tell me. My palette is limited as you know. I wish there had been emptiness but there never is."

Hyungwon hummed and let his right hand play with the rips in his jeans. The action seemed unconscious, but it caught Hoseok's attention, long fingers slipping past the remaining threads that looked like they wrapped around them.

_Like ropes._

"Is the sea really the reason you came to Barcelona?" Hyungwon asked eventually and tugged at the loose threads before slipping another finger underneath them.

"Maybe. You looked fascinated when you said that you missed the sea and it made me want to see it too. I was going a bit insane too, if that's possible considering my usual levels of insanity. I'm also insane being here with you instead of going down." Hoseok went to the minibar and took out a beer, opening it and taking a sip. "Want some?"

"Yeah," Hyungwon replied and stretched out his hand, inviting him to come closer. "You know, if emptiness is what you are searching for, then the sea might be a good choice. The waves and the sound of the wind, they… resemble static, like it empties your mind and allows you to focus for once. Who knows, maybe that's why I'm so empty, because I grew up here."

_But that's not true. He's not._

"I might have to revise my statement. I said that you're empty, but what I meant was that you're light. It annoys me, and I can't handle that fake smile of yours, but there's nothing heavy and dark about you. You're like that colour I use. It's so light. The lightest that I use. Hyunwoo sent me an article saying I started using it because I have a child now. It's just ridiculous. I would never burden another human being with myself. That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard." Hoseok put the bottle into the big hand, observing the way Hyungwon pulled it to his lips and took a sip.

"All of it is bullshit, because they don't understand. They only see themselves and pathetic explanations of what their own lives are about. There is so much more to what you paint and now that I've seen it, I feel like no words are sufficient to explain it. They sound just as empty as I feel, even if it seems light to you." Hyungwon took another sip before chuckling. "Sorry about that, but it seems like you mentioned the source of my annoyance."

Hoseok listened, but his mind went back four weeks and provided him with images and the feelings that were so intense that goose bumps spread on his skin just from the thought. It was about Hyungwon's smile in the moonlight, his face, the way he talked to him, asked him to…

_Why would you…_

"But I've seen it. I've seen that you're not empty, so now it doesn't make sense anymore. You can be annoyed as much as you like. I hope… I hope that you've been well, Hyungwon."

A smile appeared on those plump lips and his goose bumps only spread further as it was a genuine one, staying longer than the fleeting ones Hyungwon gifted just anyone.

"I've been trying to put feelings into words that have no words to express them it seems." A sigh followed, and the other man brushed through his black hair. "You know, you say that you've seen that I'm not empty. Well, I've seen that you aren't heavy and dark, but you won't believe me, will you?"

Smiling genuinely, Hoseok nodded. "It makes a lot of sense that you listen to somebody you've known since you knew how to think, somebody who was there next to you when you broke and not a person that comes and leaves again after taking away your sanity. Your voice is so much louder in your own head, so you listen."

"But what if the voice in your head is wrong, even if that's the one you listen to? Do you ever worry about that?"

"If there's no voice, there's no me," he said, wondering how Hyungwon managed to get him to share his thoughts voluntarily. "Let's go downstairs."

"Do you feel ready to?" Hyungwon asked and emptied the rest of his beer before placing it on the table next to the couch. The other man was watching him intently, but it wasn't with a spark of curiosity this time.

"I never feel ready. Because to feel ready you need to have the expectation of what will happen to you. There's no such thing for me."

Hyungwon hummed and got up before simply reaching out and wrapping his long fingers around his wrist, touch hot against his skin.

"You always take care of others, don't you?" the other man murmured before smiling again. "Can't you let somebody else take care of you in such situations? Take away the need to feel ready, because someone else can be. Someone like… me."

_Why would he say that?_

"There's no way. I won't give you the opportunity to hurt me," he whispered before inhaling deeply and walking towards the door, warm fingers loosening around his wrist.

***

_He still expects you to hurt him._

Hyungwon wasn't sure he understood himself at this point. Dressed in white and his favourite ripped jeans, he knew that he planned on leaving an impression, to get through the thick cover that Hoseok seemed to wear whenever he left his house.

_He seems so composed, a cover of what you saw during those two weeks in Madrid instead of the real painting._

The artist was able to push back and not only physically. Hyungwon had expected more of a reaction considering the effort he had put into seeing Hoseok's paintings before anybody else did, but apparently Hoseok was already used to him and barely surprised by his fake occupations.

_Only by your face._

Hyungwon would have lied had he claimed that Hoseok's face didn't have a similar effect on him. Seeing the artist again seemed to provide the explanation he had needed all this time, the explanation for not finding the right words.

_Because you're trying to express the way being next to him feels, but there are no words for that._

The question was how his goal had ended up changing. He had wanted to show the truth, not a feeling, but was the feeling the truth in the end? Was Hoseok's art part of a feeling that nobody but Hyungwon seemed to be aware of, to grasp?

_You are able to get through, even after all this time._

Hoseok gifted him another glimpse of his inner world, the belief that he couldn't exist without the voice inside his head, no matter how dark and maybe even how wrong it was. Hyungwon wanted to hear more, attach himself to the motion of Hoseok's curved lips and live off the words that they produced. All of it excited him still, returned the shivering hands and trembling lips that he had ended up missing during the past four weeks.

_You react like this, but what are you giving him to make this mutually beneficial?_

Hyungwon was greedy, greedy for a genuine smile and for information, for anything that could help him make sense of the other man. When Hoseok offered to go downstairs to meet Hyunwoo, Hyungwon found himself wanting to extend the time they spent as the two of them. There was something genuine about it, a side of Hoseok that only he could see and only for as long as they were alone.

_Why does he not have expectations of what could happen, is it because he dreads closeness?_

Hoseok's concerns were in alignment with what Hyungwon had observed and been told before. The artist was afraid of getting hurt, of letting anybody too close. There must have been a source for that fear and Hyungwon had a few guesses after observing some of the inner demons Hoseok had covered up, but he still didn't know for sure. He didn't know why his body, or his face were a reason to be covered up and hidden away.

Hoseok must have been struggling with so many more things than what he observed during those two weeks. Going out and interacting with people was only a small part of it.

_You thought you could take the burden from him, even if just for a few seconds._

But Hyungwon was as much a risk as everybody else was. Hoseok was convinced that Hyungwon could hurt him. Two weeks together were apparently not enough to change that.

_Even though you showed him more of yourself than you have ever showed to anybody else._

When Hoseok pulled his wrist from Hyungwon's hold, he couldn't help but taste a sudden bitterness in his mouth that didn't stem from the beer. He wasn't somebody to get affected by the words and actions of others, after all, most of those were planned and intended.

_Maybe you've shown him too much already whereas he hasn't shown you enough._

"I see," he muttered and instead of letting Hoseok walk right through the door, he hurried past the other man and shut it with his palm, ending up with his back against it and Hoseok right in front of him.

_You're not going to leave it at that. You can't be socializing while his words remain at the back of your head._

"But what is the difference, Hoseok?" he asked, louder than intended. He instantly switched to a whisper for his next words, overwhelmed by how close they suddenly were. "What's the difference between me giving you the opportunity to hurt me and you doing the same?"

Hoseok looked at him, letting the seconds pass before delicate fingers that were covered in black ink lifted to his face and he was sure he felt the warm fingertips against his jaw and neck. "Why… would you give me the opportunity to hurt you? Why don't you just look at the paintings if you love them so much? You even have your own. Why do you need to stand in front of me and make me feel this way? Telling me that you're doing the same. It's not the same."

_He's wrong._

Hyungwon swallowed, thinking back to the night before he left Hoseok's apartment in Madrid and didn't even get to say goodbye because the other man had left without waiting for him to wake up.

_He could have hurt you that night because you opened up and let him have it all._

That moment between them was something he rarely thought about, at least tried to. But now that it was right there, perfectly memorized with every expression that was on Hoseok's face, Hyungwon couldn't contain a gasp.

"You could have hurt me then, because I would have let you. So how is it different? I'm inviting you to trust me, to let me lead and for you to let go of the burden of having to compose yourself. I thought it might make it easier, but-" But instead Hoseok assumed that Hyungwon would hurt him, use the moment.

_Can you be sure that you wouldn't have if you considered it necessary?_

"But I guess I didn't show you enough of me to be trustworthy."

"It's not about being worthy, you idiot. It's about my trust issues that you can't overcome because I can't overcome them either. Accept it as a fact and don't… Don't even try to make it easier for me. Just don't do it, because your efforts will only end up bleeding down the canvas and suffocate me more," the low voice whispered, exhale hitting his chin because Hoseok was so close, smelled so good, was so focused on his face despite the words.

_How can he make you feel bad about wanting to help him?_

It wasn't the first time and Hyungwon shouldn't have been surprised. Hoseok had always denied help, no matter if it was food, water, help with the house or emotional support. There must be something that forced the other man to deny it all, to believe that he was better off on his own and without involving anybody else.

"Why does you being unable to do something mean that I can't?" he asked back and couldn't resist leaning in closer to Hoseok's neck that smelled as delicious as ever, reminding Hyungwon of the times they had been much closer than this. "I'm not somebody who gives up before trying and neither should you."

"You should give up. Just give up, kitty," Hoseok hissed before holding his breath. He knew that kind of reaction and it made him wonder what had caused it this time. "I'm here for two days, I'll leave again and probably never come back, so don't spend your time and efforts on me. Just don't."

"Good that we already agreed that I will show you the sea then." He smiled and resisted the sudden urge to reach out. He couldn't quite explain where it came from because it wasn't like him, especially not when there wasn't anything to gain from it. "Let's go."

He pushed Hoseok back sufficiently enough to be able to open the door and make his way into the hallway. Now that they weren't going to be just the two of them anymore, Hyungwon needed to choose how to act to get the most out of the meeting, to see how well Hyunwoo and Hoseok knew each other and why Hyungwon hadn't seen them interact more during those two weeks.

_They have known each other for seven years, so he can't only be his agent._

Hoseok followed without saying a single word, letting the door fall into the lock and walking towards the elevators. The black eyes were focused on nothing in particular and it was interesting to see the artist outside of his house, wearing fancy clothes and residing in a five-star hotel. Had he not met the blonde man before, he wouldn't have seen the trace of those dark thoughts that transformed Hoseok's posture, made him lose focus, sleep and ignore the most basic human needs. But it was so clear to him now that they stepped into the elevator that Hoseok’s movements were completely mechanical.

_It's not even a role he plays but a cover, just like the ones he paints for his inner demons._

"Hoseok?" he asked and leaned against the elevator wall, unable to contain the immediate desire to scratch over the surface.

First there was no response before the black eyes glanced in his direction, followed by the other man licking his lips. "You can't stop scratching, can you? I won't come out and I won't let anybody in either, so stop."

"Have you eaten?" he asked instead of answering the usual defensive comment. He had heard so many of them that it was surprising Hoseok still found new words to reject him. "Did you… like what I left you?"

_You've been worried about him, even though you wouldn't say it out loud._

He was met with a surprised gaze, replacing the dark depreciating expression. It made Hoseok seem younger somehow. "I- don't think so," the low voice murmured in reply as the other man put both hands into the pockets of his jeans even though they were way too tight for it. "Mhm. I ate some of it. You never fail to surprise me."

_Why do you feel the constant need to take care of him even though he doesn't want you to?_

Hyungwon couldn't even blame his agenda because Hoseok was able to function and create without him making sure that the other man ate enough.

_You're surprising yourself, huh?_

"Why does that surprise you?" he asked but didn't expect an answer as they reached the rooftop and the elevator doors opened. "Let's order some snacks then, so you don't drink on an empty stomach."

_He already had the beer on an empty stomach._

"Haven't you gotten used to the fact that I'm unable to take care of my body? Just leave it be. I didn't die during those four weeks. Nothing can happen to me now." Hoseok chuckled and waved at the brown-haired man at the bar who lifted his beer with a big smile on his lips.

_You want to see him smile again, not a bitter chuckle at his own expense._

Hyungwon didn't comment, aware that they weren't on their own now that Hyunwoo had seen them. Plastering a bright smile on his face, he sat down next to the brown-haired man. "Have you ordered snacks yet? I'm starving and a lightweight, so we better get lots."

Hyunwoo glanced past him and focused on Hoseok first, as if trying to read whether everything was alright, before the warm brown eyes met his and the other man nodded with a smile, pushing a big tapas plate towards them. “I haven't seen Hoseok eat today either and I had enough, so you guys can share it.”

_He pays attention too._

Hoseok nodded absentmindedly, before meeting his gaze. It felt like a game suddenly, as if there was something that the artist communicated with his gaze that nobody else saw or was able to read.

"Do you like those?" he asked and grabbed one of the cheese balls before holding it out towards Hoseok's lips. Hyungwon successfully ignored the fact that there was a whole man between them and he had to lean on the bar counter. 

Chewing on his lips, Hoseok lifted his hand and took the food out of his fingers, brushing over them, before placing the cheese ball into his mouth. The satisfaction he felt from seeing Hoseok eat alone was bordering on weird. Hyunwoo looked slightly shocked by their interaction for some reason and he kept wondering how much the nice guy knew about Hoseok.

"Good, right?" he commented since nobody else said anything and reached for something else savoury. He wanted to make sure there were a decent number of calories inside the artist before he started to drown his sorrows in alcohol. “This is one of my favourites, you should try."

"Why don't you eat it, if it's your favourite?" Hoseok asked and took the piece out of his hands just to softly press it against his parted lips.

"You can just… share." Hyunwoo, who looked slightly disturbed, briefly leaned towards Hoseok and whispered something in the artist's ear, receiving a brief nod from Hoseok in return.

_But what did he ask?_

Hyungwon closed his lips around the snack, making sure to cover part of Hoseok's fingers in the process and swallowed without bothering to chew much. Grinning playfully, he brushed over Hyunwoo's arm to return his attention. "Hey, no secrets! I'm curious."

An apologetic smile spread the other man's thick lips and he shook his head briefly, after swallowing the beer and glancing to the side as Hoseok ordered vodka pure. "No, I just needed to make sure that I can talk about certain things. Wanted to tell Hoseok that the gallery thanked him for giving them the works. Not that he cares, but it's nice to know that my job is needed."

The blonde man only hummed to himself, wrapping his tattooed fingers around the glass of transparent liquid on ice and looking a bit gone once again. "I wanted to throw them away, but you never let me," the low voice whispered, followed by a chuckle.

"For good reason." Hyungwon observed Hoseok for a few more seconds, surprised because he hadn't actually expected Hoseok to drown his sorrows. After all, it was more difficult to remain in control under the influence.

_But you're here to learn more about him, aren't you?_

Brushing through his hair, he ordered himself a gin and tonic and focused his attention on Hyunwoo. "I really love Hoseok's art. How did you actually come across it, Hyunwoo? I didn't know that you're his agent and since you closed the bar, I barely saw you around."

"I saw it once when Hoseok let me stay over at his tiny place after we both got drunk and I asked him why he doesn't try to do exhibitions, because frankly, the whole place was covered in canvases and it was a bit creepy, but the good kind of creepy. The emotional kind. He told me he doesn't care, so I took a picture and showed it to a customer who was an art collector and he was all over the place about it, then I contacted museums, because Hoseok didn't want to have it at private people's homes and then it got so fucking popular that I had too much to do with telling journalists that Ok Seho will never give any interviews and won't sell his works to oligarchs either. Which is kind of sad, because those bastards are offering sums that give me goose bumps. What gives me even more goose bumps is declining, but a man has his principles and I don't know anybody who is more stubborn than him. Right?" Hyunwoo squeezed the muscular shoulder but didn't get any distinct reaction apart from the round eyes that were still focused on nowhere in particular and only briefly glanced in the other man's direction.

_He's far away from you right now._

Hyungwon wondered if it was the gallery Hoseok spoke of, but he would never ask with Hyunwoo around. Despite the past bar owner knowing Hoseok well, even before he became Ok Seho, Hyungwon couldn't help but feel that Hoseok's destructive self remained hidden from everybody.

_Everybody but you because you found your way past the walls._

"You're right, Hoseok is really stubborn, but maybe that is why we get along." Hyungwon placed a snack between his lips, purposefully slowly to keep Hyunwoo's attention on his face. "What do you think about his art, Hyunwoo? I'm curious since you saw it even before it was famous. I can't even imagine what it must have been like back then. You said it was a small apartment."

"Yeah. He covered it all in canvases and even the walls. That was a bit after he told me that he dropped out of art school. It's crazy right? What do they even teach if they drop somebody like that? But back to your question…" Hyunwoo took a big gulp of his beer and threw a marinated artichoke into his mouth, chewing and looking as if it was the most delicious bit. "I think it's awesome. Even though one could argue that it's similar, it's not. It never is. There's never a picture that's like the others, even though the palette he uses is so limited. I'm not an art critic or have any great education, but it makes you feel a certain way, so it's good. It doesn't matter if it looks good, it needs to do something with you. Then it's good. And he manages that with every single picture."

_He got it._

Hyungwon smiled widely, genuinely this time because he felt glad that the person closest to Hoseok knew what his art was about, felt it.

"I feel the same. I started paying attention because of the way Hoseok is able to make you feel," he murmured and dared another glance at Hoseok who was only occasionally taking a sip from his drink. Hyungwon hated that he couldn't stop worrying about the fact that the other man had still not eaten nearly enough.

"Oh, I always thought that Hoseok left art school on his own though," he acted out to see if he would get more info while grabbing a cheese ball and brushing it over Hoseok's lips to get his attention. "Eat one."

A brief glance followed and Hoseok took the piece of food with his teeth, before eating it without a single comment.

"He isn't in the mood for conversation, so it's better to let him be," Hyunwoo commented, pointing at the peanuts. "You should eat some. He didn't leave on his own, at least not really. They were supposed to submit a piece and write an essay about it. Hoseok submitted one of his paintings but refused to explain, so they dropped him. Still… what the fuck? But that's long ago, they would probably be hardcore mad if they knew that his art is now all over the country and he’s internationally known. Just, he doesn't want to be. He never wanted fame and he doesn't cherish it either. If you look at him, you'll know." Pointing at Hoseok, his friend sighed. "He doesn't want to be seen."

_Because there is too much to see._

Hyungwon hummed in understanding before asking something personal about Hyunwoo, making sure his intentions weren't too obvious. In the meantime, he tried to make Hoseok eat more while simultaneously thinking about a way to meet one of the teachers of the art school. There was no way that they didn't know and if he played this well, he could get info from people that saw Hoseok's art in the early stages.

"Do you miss your bar?" he asked Hyunwoo next and played with his black hair while trying not to look at Hoseok instead. He still had so many questions to ask, especially since Hoseok's friend provided the answers so easily. "That's probably where you met, right?"

"I miss it a bit, the different kinds of people you'd meet there, but I've never had less money issues, so I'm thankful too. Yeah, we met there. He was always alone and never forced me to talk when I had a bad day. Only a few people are caring like that. In a way you wouldn't expect." Hyunwoo smiled and squeezed Hoseok's shoulder again.

_He's so affectionate towards him._

"Yeah," he breathed out and lifted another snack towards Hoseok's lips. The speed with which the artist inhaled his drink was alarming, but Hyungwon doubted that Hoseok was even aware of that. "Hoseok feels safe somehow. Do you like his current house more than the small apartment? At least it's not covered in canvases."

"Oh, but it had its beauty when covered in canvases. His current home is more… empty? But he said it gives him more peace of mind, even though I'm really not sure about that. I just want him to be happy, or let's say satisfied. He wanted to paint all day and now he can do exactly that. Unfortunately, things you want don't necessarily lead to happiness. But the roles switched. He worked for me and now I work for him." The previous smile on the other man's face transformed into an expression of curiosity. "But have you been to his house?"

_Now you've reached the point at which you need to lay some of your cards bare._

Hyungwon wanted to ask more, ask what Hyunwoo meant by Hoseok working for him, but he couldn't just ignore the question.

_And you should stop Hoseok soon, make sure he's okay and drinks something proper._

"Yeah, I have. It's really beautiful, straight out of a magazine."

"Aaah… I see." Hyunwoo grinned and drank the rest of his beer. "It's surprising that you know his art too." Leaning towards Hoseok, the other man wrapped a hand around his shoulders and whispered something into his ear again. "Should I take you along or do you want to stay some more?"

_You're staying._

"I left my phone in Hoseok's hotel room, so I guess I'll stay a little longer and then go back by cab," he replied and thanked himself for providing the right excuses at the right times. Hoseok's friend must have decided that he was one of the artist's sex partners.

_Pretty far from the truth, so it's perfect._

Everything was going well, but Hyungwon couldn't help a slight hint of annoyance at missing out on what Hyunwoo kept telling Hoseok. But there was no way around it.

_You'll have to find out some other time._

Hyunwoo nodded with a brief grin, thanking him for the company and patting Hoseok's shoulder before heading towards the elevators.

"Is your curiosity quenched now?" the low voice asked quietly.

_He's been listening?_

"I don't think that is physically possible," he murmured and slipped closer towards Hoseok, close enough to let their thighs touch. His right hand pushed the plate with the snacks along, leaving it right next to Hoseok's glass. "Eat some more."

"No. I feel nauseous. You can eat, and I'll watch you. I like the way your lips move when you eat." Hoseok smiled so briefly he wasn't sure if he'd dreamed it. "Were you born here? In Barcelona, I mean?"

_But why does he feel nauseated?_

“Yeah, I’ve always lived here,” he replied quietly before smiling in the hopes of returning the fleeting moment that Hoseok reciprocated the gesture. “My mom joked that I was born by the ocean, because I have always loved it so much.”

Hyungwon reached for one of the snacks and put it inside his mouth, chewing slowly as he thought about how to ask his next question. He wanted to be somewhere without people, a place where Hoseok did not need to keep up his pretences.

“Are you feeling bad? We can go back to your room if you like.”

"Didn't you want to show me the ocean? I can go back to the room later." Hoseok emptied his second vodka as if it was water and told the bartender to bill it to his room.

_He must be right over the border of tipsy at this point._

“Now?” he asked, surprised that Hoseok wanted to see the ocean that late in the day after two glasses of vodka, feeling nauseated and not having eaten enough.

_Are you really surprised though?_

“I hope you don’t plan on swimming,” he murmured and paid for his gin and tonic before standing up and waiting for the other man to do the same. Hoseok still looked lost in thought, caught in a world he had no access to. “But don’t worry. I will show you the ocean and keep you safe.” 

"Swimming? Sounds intriguing. I've never been to the ocean before, so I want to go at night first. Things are more real when it's dark."

_You shouldn’t have mentioned it._

“Aren’t they just scarier?” Hyungwon whispered but nodded before wrapping his arm around Hoseok’s shoulders just in case. It didn’t seem like Hoseok really needed to be stabilized, but Hyungwon preferred to think that he did. It gave him an excuse to touch that he didn’t have before.

"No. Once you realize that darkness is just a cover, they're not." By having his arm around the artist, Hyungwon had to be satisfied with the sight of the other man's profile only. It didn't look any less fascinating or beautiful. Being so close without eye contact made him notice how soft Hoseok's features were, how gorgeous he was.

_You thought the same when he was close to you, making you feel safe even though you were losing your mind._

Hyungwon felt the sudden urge to kiss the other man's cheek, which was far from what he should have been contemplating.

"Then why do you want to see them covered first?" he asked and stroked over the back of Hoseok's head, unable to help it. "What if you think the ocean is something that it's not?"

Hyungwon was lying again, making it seem like the ocean was its real self during the day even though his affection for it was mostly due to its identity at night.

_You were hesitant because it feels like your secret, doesn't it?_

"I don't think at all. I just really feel like going there right now. With you." The gaze was still directed at something Hyungwon was sure was there, but that he couldn't see and Hoseok flinched when his fingers stroked down the fine hairs on the artist's nape. "I only picked this hotel because it wasn't far but at the same time not close enough to see it out of the window."

_Does he flinch because he doesn't want to be touched?_

Hyungwon couldn't make sense of it, because Hoseok had done the same before telling him that he wanted to be touched.

"I've always wanted to have a place from which I can see the ocean, but currently I am satisfied with having its scent surround me."

_Because seeing it during the day and filled with people takes away the magic._

"What made you decide to come here, the ocean?" Hyungwon asked, curious if his words had really been the trigger for somebody who seemed to never leave his house to end up leaving his city.

"I painted the waves over your face and wanted to know if it feels the same," the low voice whispered as they left the hotel and he briefly looked around to pick the best way down to the sea.

A tingling sensation spread from his fingertips all the way up to his neck and Hyungwon wondered if Hoseok's words were the trigger.

_Why does he make you want to protect him somehow?_

Hoseok seemed to be far away, so as soon as they turned into a narrow side street, Hyungwon stepped right in front of him to make sure their eyes met.

"I really care about it, so you have to look when we get there," he murmured before smiling brightly and stretching out his hand. "Let's hold hands. I'll lead you."

Hoseok observed him and there was one of those smiles once again. The one that was almost impossible to see on the handsome face.

"I know that you care. It seemed to be the only thing you cared about, so I really wanted to come and see. Usually people are open about what they enjoy and force you to appreciate it and expect you to open up and share too. Not you. You just wanted to know everything about me without giving a single thing back, apart from that one time. When you said that you miss the ocean, looking as if you shared a secret nobody was supposed to know."

_He’s right._

“Mmh,” he hummed and simply grabbed Hoseok’s hand instead of waiting for the other man to grasp his. Tugging the other man along, he wondered if that was what made Hoseok so careful around him, hesitant to show more. Hyungwon had felt like he showed so much more than he was supposed to already, but still it must have seemed like nothing to Hoseok. “I gave back, it's just that the ocean happens to be the one and only thing I care about. If there is only one treasure, it’s scary to think that somebody might want to take it away.”

"Don't worry. I would never take anything from you. I will never be close enough to grasp it. You can keep it. I just want to see it once."

_He will never be close enough to grasp it? But he already is._

“It’s fine,” he whispered, surprising himself as his fingers slipped cunningly in between Hoseok’s delicate ones and squeezed. There was something forbidden to it, as if he was able to enjoy a touch that nobody else did. “It’s fine, because it’s you, Hoseok.”

"Mhm. Your secret is safe with me. I'll take it to the gallery and lock myself. Nobody will ever know." Walking a bit further, he felt the delicate fingers tighten around his hand as Hoseok kept his gaze straight ahead. "Why did you come to the museum?"

“Because I wanted to see your art,” Hyungwon replied truthfully and turned around a corner again, enjoying the fact that he knew Barcelona like the back of his hand and knew where to go to make sure they didn’t meet anybody. The city never really slept but if one knew where to go, it almost felt like one was alone in a city of five and a half million.

_But he didn’t understand what you meant. You say the truth and he misunderstands._

“I didn’t mean that I want you to lock it away along with yourself, Hoseok,” he muttered and glanced to the side, hoping to meet Hoseok's gaze, but the other man was focused on the road ahead. “I meant that I trust you.”

"Don't," the low voice whispered. "I'm a lost cause."

_He’s not._

Hyungwon didn’t know why he was so convinced, why he felt sure that nothing was lost within the man next to him, not if one dug deep enough, scratched over the surface until the truth became apparent.

“Do you stop doing something only because another person told you to?” he whispered and led Hoseok down a ramp, the scent of the ocean filling his nose and crashing waves echoing in his ears. The sudden relief he felt wasn’t comparable to anything else and Hyungwon wondered if Hoseok was able to feel it too, to perceive the wind blowing, drowning out every other sound. Could Hoseok tell that the air was salty by sucking it into his mouth through his teeth? Was the blonde man even aware of the sand that brushed over his shoes and pants, attempting to stop him from walking as if they were entering something sacred?

_Maybe it’s just you._

"No. Because I never listen," Hoseok whispered and stopped, closing his eyes and sucking in a long breath that he held in his lungs before the black eyes opened slowly, looking so attentive, not lost and buried somewhere Hyungwon couldn't reach. It felt like Hoseok was here with him, breathing the ocean air and staring at the waves.

"I was right about it," the low voice breathed out. "There's only one thing that resembles you, and it's this."

Feeling the salty air caress his cheeks and neck, Hyungwon couldn’t help but wonder how Hoseok was able to think so tenderly of him.

Like a breeze of ocean air kissing him in the dark.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 8**

_What’s wrong with you tonight?_

Tonight?

He was thankful that nobody couldn’t see him right now, drinking vodka while sitting in a rooftop bar in Barcelona and roaming through his small gallery, alone and only rarely interrupted by Hyungwon trying to make him eat and otherwise asking holes into his friend’s ears. Mostly unnecessary things about him.

_Why is he so interested in you?_

The people would have shaken their heads and said that he was making too much money to be sad. Or that he was lucky that people want to have his paintings and to not act arrogant about selling them. His teachers would say so much if they knew that he was Ok Seho and if he talked to them that is.

_But you don’t._

He wanted to be alone, with himself and his gallery. Hyungwon’s comments, his behaviour, the big brown eyes that roamed his face as if there was anything to see on it, all of it overwhelmed him and he wanted to see the sea. The ocean that seemed to be the only thing that the other man was genuine about. It wasn’t his place to discuss anybody's authenticity, but he felt tipsy. Tipsy and as if his mouth wouldn’t open again if he had the opportunity because the taste of regret would be too much, pulling him back into the gallery before he would shut the door like every single time and stay inside.

_Like you always do_

Somehow their situation, the arm around his shoulder, the tender touch against his hand, the big attentive eyes and those words that were so caring reminded him of his rare experience with relationships. It was always the same. He warned and said not to come close, kept his boundaries clear, said that he didn’t want to let anybody in and assured that he wouldn’t change, that he wouldn’t allow any opportunity to hurt him, but they said it was okay, that they were fine, only to leave him, saying that he was a liar, demanding that if he wanted trust, he should have given some in return.

_Almost as if they think there’s hope when there isn't just to understand that before you give anything away, those trust issues will eat you alive._

Hyungwon was stubborn, an arrogant cat, only acting on his own wishes and assumptions, carefully sneaking around, without making a sound and snooping on him, his life, his thoughts and scratching on the door to the gallery nobody ever found. But sometimes, like today, when the other man pulled him around the corner and stopped in the sand and the wind hit his face smelling unlike anything else, like motion, like development like something he could never have, Hoseok felt as if the person next to him really cared. Of course, it made no sense, but maybe the feeling that Hyungwon had towards the ocean, the only thing he cared about, transferred to him and made him feel as if he was part of it.

_You were right about it._

Back in Madrid, he had covered the nightly smile he painted with a sunset over the black sea, thinking that it was the only cover that was appropriate for it. Now, standing in the sea breeze and staring at the black waves, the moving waters, he felt as if it had been the most accurate. Hyungwon was like the sea.

Whispering into the wind his observation that the ocean was the only thing that came close to Hyungwon's essence, Hoseok stepped a bit further into the sand and took off his shoes.

_You want to know if it feels the same way he does. If it can make you feel the same way._

Hoseok licked the salty breeze from his lips and turned to observe the black-haired man who looked as if everything around them was his, was a part of him, lived within him, painted the picture of reality he was looking at, in that corner he forgot the location of so often.

“I want to go inside.”

Hyungwon inhaled deeply, as if he was filling up reserves that had been depleted during the day, as if the ocean was what the other man lived off.

The dark eyes that met him had something secretive, almost like Hoseok had asked for much more than a midnight swim. A careful nod was his reply as Hyungwon brushed through the long black strands that danced over his forehead and cheeks from the breeze.

"I will guide you," the black-haired man whispered and began to unbutton his white shirt. The contrast of the darkness around them and the brightness of Hyungwon's clothes seemed almost surreal, especially when Hoseok caught the first glimpse of golden collarbones.

_You don't need any guidance._

Hyungwon was beautiful and his skin was the colour of sand once there was no fabric covering it. Somehow watching the other man reminded him of the hours he spent looking at the gorgeous black bird in front of his window, how organic it moved, breathed, existed. He was equally fascinated observing Hyungwon. Next to the ocean it appeared as if he was... home. A concept Hoseok lacked.

_You still want to know how it feels._

He was quick, slipping out of his clothes and feeling at ease when the tight fabric disappeared from his skin and was replaced by the warm sea breeze that felt like a tender touch, a kiss even.

_Maybe you can let go tonight? You’re tipsy and the ocean breeze keeps kissing you even though you keep saying that you won’t give anything back._

He didn’t listen to the low voice asking to lead him and walked towards the black waves without a comment, until he could feel the cool water at his bare feet.

"Hoseok, wait for me," he heard behind him before warm fingers wrapped around his own. Somehow Hoseok expected them to feel as cool as the water, but instead they were the exact opposite, almost burning against his fingertips.

_You can't predict him._

"You want to hold hands?" he asked with a smile on his lips. "Isn't it enough to be in the same water?"

"No, it's not enough," Hyungwon replied without hesitation and tightened his grip. "You wanted me to show you, so let me be the one, Hoseok."

_Why does your name sound like you're a living human being when he's the one saying it?_

Licking his lips and inhaling the salty air into his lungs, Hyungwon moved deeper into the waves while tugging at his hand to come along.

He liked the sensation of cool water against his skin, it wasn't like the cold showers that he took that numbed him, it was warmer, but the big waves that enveloped his body made him want to sink deep and listen to the body of water moving around him.

_He holds your hand as if he knows that you want to disappear underneath._

"You said that I'm like the sea, right?" Hyungwon asked when the water was a few centimetres higher than their navels, waves reaching all the way to their chests. The other man still held onto his fingers, thumb brushing over the back of his hand.

Inhaling the salty air, Hoseok turned and wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's slim body, pulling it against his own and feeling a gasp against his lips when he did. "You won't let me go below the surface, so I'm going to drown in you instead."

"Good," the plump mouth whispered against his own with a smile as arms wrapped around his neck and fingers raked through his hair. "Because I hoped you would."

"Do you also taste salty? I… can't remember and it drives me crazy. I can't stop thinking about it," he breathed out before taking a deep inhale to at least try to drown in some of the other man's scent.

Hyungwon's eyes were focused on him as the other man gasped again, this time because of a wave that almost reached up to their necks. The contrast between hot skin and cold water felt surreal, along with the hot fingers raking through his hair and urging him to come closer.

"Then why don't you try to find out, Hoseok?"

"Because I don't want you to scratch more, but it's so hard." His words were just whispering but loud enough for the person in his arms to hear. Leaning forward, he licked the salty drops from his own lips and hummed, imagining what the plump mouth tasted like now. He wondered whether it would be cool or hot like he remembered it feeling, whether it would open in more gasps, whether he would feel even more than now as he drowned in the ocean, mind slowly uncovered because the waves were so good at that, the slim arms were so good at that and the thick lips were so fucking good at that too.

"Do you think your imagination does it justice?" Hyungwon whispered before leaning in just enough to reach his bottom lip with his tongue, as if to tease him. The man in his arms had seen so much of him already that he must have realised what he was doing, that he tried to picture a touch of their lips without it happening. "I don't think it does, Hoseok."

_Maybe it doesn't, but isn't it safer?_

"Here you go, scratching again." His lips spread in a smile, but instead of kissing Hyungwon as he wanted to, Hoseok touched more, the slim back, the thin waist, listening to his own breaths and how irregular they became.

_Aren't you making another mistake? Isn't it enough? You can barely breathe in here._

"You said you wanted to drown in me instead…" Hyungwon began and licked over his bottom lip again, as if tasting it the same way a cat might have. "Why don't you drown in us both? I wanted you to feel all of it, how quiet it becomes."

When the longing became unbearable, Hoseok let go of the person in his arms and dove into one of the bigger waves, exhaling when the water covered his head and body and he heard nothing apart from the tumult in the sea and the tumult in his mind.

It felt like the gallery used the moment, sucking him in, showing him all those things he didn’t want to see, the ways people have taught him to stay away from them, that nothing has ever been enough and how in the end, no matter what kind of things he had to endure, from childhood until now, he had always been the one to blame. He knew that no matter how many times he drew those demons, they would keep climbing on his shoulders and tell him that he was worthless, and he knew that he could have stayed in the gallery forever, thinking that it was safe, but he shared the space with all the things that broke him and kept breaking him. There was no way out for him. He was drowning because there was nothing outside… nothing.

_Because it’s you, Hoseok. You can’t have it._

When his head broke the surface of the salty water, his lungs were burning already. He dove under the cover of himself and it was so devastating that he wished he didn’t.

_But you chose this. You are not trapped or forced to feel and act this way. It’s your decision because everything else is a death sentence for you. Just… why do you let him scratch on the door? Do you like how it sounds?_

Turning around, he spotted Hyungwon staring at him, expression unreadable and drops covering the round cheeks and plump lips. They must have stemmed from his dive. When Hoseok tried to move his hand, he realised that there were fingers wrapped around his wrist, tugging at it to keep him above the water and he wondered if Hyungwon had tried to pull him out, but he hadn't even realised.

"You know, Hoseok," the low voice murmured as Hyungwon suddenly closed the distance and wrapped his arms around his neck, tight enough to steal his breath away for a few seconds. "You should have just kissed me," Hyungwon gasped right against his lips before clashing their mouths together, the touch so hot that it felt like the flame of a candle burning him.

_You should have._

The intensity overwhelmed him, burning down to his toes and the tips of his fingers that he wrapped around Hyungwon’s slim waist, pulling him closer and kissing back. He could taste some of the salty water and noticed the other man’s distinct scent. A scent that haunted him when he stayed alone for four weeks, trying to forget what happened but being unable to.

_You couldn’t remember because remembering meant thinking about that night when you became aware of it because you were playing with those keys and staring at the door, thinking about letting him inside._

Lack of oxygen didn’t bother him, and he inhaled quickly between the hot tongue that licked into his mouth and Hyungwon’s teeth that nibbled on his bottom lip tenderly but at the same time impatiently.

Nothing seemed enough, the water between them was too much, the slim arms couldn’t muster the strength to pull him close enough, so he could only feel the warm skin against his and those lips… Hoseok wanted to breathe them. It reminded him of that night, but this night was similar, wasn’t it? He flinched too, and he wanted to stop the voice in his head, he wanted for once to be drowned by the ocean.

_You said you won’t give him the opportunity to hurt you, but he said he gave you one to hurt him. What if you do? What if he feels safe with you and you hurt him?_

Both hands travelled up Hyungwon’s arms that were covered in goose bumps and cupped the small face, leaning back and staring into the big eyes for a split second before clashing their lips together again, unable to think anything apart from the materialized desire to feel.

The determination with which Hyungwon had kissed him began to turn into whimpers and desperate tugs at his hair, attempts to have nothing between them, not even air. Teeth nibbled on his lips and invited him into the hot mouth, sharing breaths instead of words.

"Don't stop," Hyungwon gasped suddenly and stroked over his hair in rapid motions before trembling as another big wave washed over them.

“I can’t, fuck,” he hissed and placed open mouthed kisses against the delicate neck, licking the salty drops away before returning to the plump lips and licking into the warm mouth, delicious and so comforting somehow. It was an insane mixture of desperation, inability to make decisions and the feeling of comfort that made him get reckless and let go for the moment, open to every touch and every breathy sound, reacting to it and letting it muffle the voice in his head because for the first time, he realized that he liked listening to Hyungwon’s voice more. At least if the other man was whispering his name or asking him not to stop.

_You’re the definition of insanity._

"Hoseok-" Hyungwon whimpered and tugged at his hair again while fingers roamed over his nape and naked back, attempting to feel more of him, to scratch over his skin just like the beautiful man scratched at the door to his gallery. "Drown in me."

He was just about to answer when instead of the delicious scent, he inhaled water as he was swept off his feet and buried under a cold wave that separated them both. The darkness made it seem like a dream, as if the adrenaline he felt was from the hit, as if the tingling on his skin was from being in the water for too long, as if he had never lost control in the first place. He remained below the surface until his lungs started burning and the gallery took him back, adding some new brushstrokes to the picture of his regrets, but it felt familiar. Because that’s where he spent his life. It resembled a toxic relationship, abusive surroundings, or the pressuring anxiety of not being able to be among people when there was no place to hide, just like that, his gallery was familiar. Being there didn’t make it happy, but in the end, he knew that nothing did.

When he could breathe again, he looked around, searching for Hyungwon who was a few meters away and coughing, one hand flat against his slim chest while the other brushed the black hair away from his face.

"Fuck," he heard the other man curse as he looked up and met his gaze. Suddenly a smile spread the plump mouth that he hadn't expected. "But this is also something that I love about the sea. One keeps wanting to tame it, but it's impossible. The night isn't its cover, it's the sea's real self, Hoseok."

“I guess that’s why it returns me to the place where I belong,” he whispered and walked towards the shore. “Let’s go out.”

"And where do you belong?" Hyungwon asked as both moved through the waves until only their calves were covered in water and Hoseok felt the sand under his feet. "To me, you seem to belong in the water just as much as I do."

“More like under it, but mostly in the gallery. But I like the sea. It’s like you,” he murmured more to himself and walked towards his clothes that he had discarded on the sand. Thankfully they were still here, and he slipped into them, flinching at how the fabric rubbed against his wet, salty skin.

"I think you mistake a yearning of yours for the place you belong. The sea buried me in the same way it buried you, but still you think that I belong whereas you don't." Hyungwon had also made his way towards his clothes that were carefully folded on the sand. Hoseok didn't allow himself to stare at Hyungwon's naked body for too long, but when his eyes slipped down from the other man's narrow hips, he saw a streak of red on his knee and calf, the same colour he painted his canvas with before covering them in black.

_He's bleeding._

"Fuck. Does it hurt a lot?" he asked, ignoring the other man's previous comment and quickly buttoned up his jeans before kneeling in front of Hyungwon who stared at him in surprise.

"It's- it's fine. I'm used to getting scratched up occasionally. It's the whole point of trying to tame something untameable." Chewing on his cheek, the black-haired man slipped into his underwear first before trying to do the same with his grey jeans. Even though Hyungwon didn't make a sound, Hoseok could see from the flinch and the twitch of Hyungwon's lips that it hurt to brush the fabric over his cut. "Maybe the sea is like you after all, pulling me in, but never far enough to see it all."

"You'll die if it pulls you in. I'm not sure you'll die if I do, but it's sad and uncomfortable. I would accept your argument if you were into pain and other stuff like that, but you're pretty much the opposite, so no way. It must hurt. Let's go to the hotel and ask if they have a first aid kit." Hoseok took the shirt from the sand and helped Hyungwon into it before wrapping one arm around the slim waist. "But on that note, I think we have something in common. You too don't share it if you're actually in pain."

"Mmh," Hyungwon hummed softly and leaned on him, using the aid that he provided while playing with his hair. It seemed affectionate and he couldn't tell if the other man was doing it consciously. "Maybe it's like protecting something that you like. You don't want others to think badly of it because it ended up hurting you, especially if being hurt is somehow a part of it. I know you took it back, but I still consider myself empty, because I need things like this to feel excitement. Otherwise, there's just nothing."

Just after admitting to having a similarity, it seemed as if they were two opposites. He was looking for emptiness, for the nothing that would finally free him, but couldn't find it and Hyungwon had it and didn't want it, trying to fill his life with excitement. "But that nothing you're talking about… It made me feel good when you smiled, sleeping soundly and not being locked in a gallery filled with demons that won't let you sleep, eat or breathe. The way you looked as if nothing bad can happen to you. It's beautiful and so assuring."

"But I'm not aware of it, Hoseok. What if you are the same as soon as you close your eyes, but you feel nothing of it?" Hyungwon sighed before hissing suddenly, probably because the ripped fabric of his grey jeans touched the cut. "To me it's just me waking up, smelling the scent of the sea and trying to find something new to fill the gaping nothing with. You're overflowing, so I can't help but reach out, catching it with my fingers, but it just slips right through. I want you to kiss me again, but I know that you won't, too occupied with why you shouldn't have in the first place."

_You're easy to figure out, so why…?_

"Does it make you feel less empty?" He tightened his grip around the other man's waist to prevent him from putting too much weight on his injured leg.

"Does it make you feel less trapped?" Hyungwon asked back and licked over his lips, big eyes focusing on his and holding his gaze steadily as the warm fingers tightened in his hair.

"You really plan on scratching a hole through that door, kitty," he murmured and looked straight ahead, sure that the smart person in his arms would realise that it was true.

"Then why don't you kiss me?" Hyungwon's lips must have been right next to his ear, caressing the shell of it with his words.

"Because you're hurt," he commented and was so thankful for the random excuse that was reason enough to stay focused. "I need to make sure that you're okay."

Suddenly, Hyungwon grabbed his shirt to slip out of his grip and move right in front of him. Hoseok saw a glimpse of the other man's determined gaze before arms wrapped around him and used his shoulders for leverage, followed by long legs that lifted off the ground and curled around his hips instead. Gasping from the effort, Hyungwon met his gaze again.

"How about now? Don't need to walk like this."

"Do I look like a cat tree?" Hoseok inhaled and wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's lower back. "Today is a strange day. Meeting you, listening as you talked about me as if I wasn't there, seeing the sea for the first time… all those things make me feel strange. Maybe the fact that I want to kiss you comes from feeling strange in general. And you feel that I'm strange and want to climb me like a cat tree because otherwise I'm mean and bitter."

"You're very good at finding excuses. Is that how you try to keep everybody else at bay?" Hyungwon smiled for some reason and licked over the shell of his ear, sending a shiver down his spine that could be blamed on the sea water that soaked his clothes.

"But I can give compliments too. Like sharing that you looked so much better in those ropes than the puppies who visited after you left," he whispered with a smirk.

He didn't know what he had expected, anger for sure, but not the mixture of anger and something that he couldn't identify on Hyungwon's face. Nails travelled from his nape to his shoulders as if the other man was trying to fight back for something, but Hoseok wasn't too sure what it was.

_Kitty is scratching._

"Then you should have been tying me up if you liked it so much," Hyungwon hissed into his ear and tightened his legs around his hips.

"But you're not a puppy, you don't like it. It's a rule not to do anything the other person doesn't want, so you can be bratty as much as you want." Licking over his lips, Hoseok leaned forward and caught a piece of the warm skin on Hyungwon's neck, rolling it between his teeth briefly before letting go.

A gorgeous moan left Hyungwon's lips and Hoseok couldn't help but be surprised that the other man hadn't contained it the way he usually would have. The immediately widening eyes told him that Hyungwon must have surprised himself, body responding with hardened nipples that shone through the wet, white shirt.

"How the hell can you be so sure about what I want? I keep telling you, but you never listen," Hyungwon muttered and leaned in to trace the curve of his lips with his tongue before simply kissing him for a few seconds. "Did you use the red rope on those puppies? It's mine."

_He's so demanding. Why do you even like it?_

It was easy to answer. Hoseok liked it because when it came to being close, Hyungwon would meow and hiss, but still lift his hands over his head, spread his legs and purr if one only touched him right.

"Yours? Because I used it on you once? And it wasn't even anything fancy," he commented and shook his head on purpose, before catching those thick lips. It was torture not to kiss them.

Hyungwon gasped into the kiss and instead of tightening his grip around his neck, those lean arms relaxed and rested loosely on his shoulders, as if Hyungwon attempted to melt into him.

"No," those plump lips muttered against his own. "It's mine because you painted it on my skin."

_You did._

"Because the truth is always red. Like blood," he whispered into the kiss and glanced at the hotel entrance before connecting their lips again.

"Then those ropes must still be wrapped around me, because you seem to be the only one who hears me speak the truth."

"Would you like me… to unwrap them? So, you can do whatever you like? Continue like before? There can't be much excitement about me left, can there?" His hands stroked over the black hair and he breathed those words against Hyungwon's plump, parted mouth that tasted delicious.

"You have no fucking idea, Hoseok." Despite the angry undertone, Hyungwon moved along with his hand, as if he was welcoming the caress of Hoseok's fingers, starved for attention. "I want you to pull them tighter and leave none of that goddamn emptiness behind."

The low voice and those words went straight to his groin, making him hold his breath for a moment. "Do you want me to carry you into the elevator, or will you walk yourself?"

"That solely depends on what you are going to do as soon as you let go of me," Hyungwon muttered as he licked over the shell of his ear.

"This wasn't supposed to be a discussion," Hoseok hissed and wrapped his hands tighter around Hyungwon's thighs, carrying the gorgeous man into the elevator, gaze focused on the big brown eyes as he pressed his floor.

"Then don't make it one," Hyungwon hissed back, eyes widening with a spark of anger that instantly got to him. Nails travelled over his shoulders again, but this time it seemed to be an invitation as Hyungwon's grip tightened around him and their groins brushed. No matter how Hoseok looked at it, Hyungwon was so far from being a puppy.

_And you enjoy it so much._

Smirking, he leaned in and exhaled along Hyungwon's neck, mirroring the motion with his fingers that slid along the other man's spine as the doors opened and he carried Hyungwon towards his room. Turning around, he slid his ass along the lock until it opened, and he pushed the door, entering the room.

It went quick as he placed Hyungwon on the bed and roamed his hands over the other man's back and thighs, lips and teeth nibbling on the tender skin of the other man's neck that tasted salty and so delicious. Hoseok wanted to have him, cover his skin in bite marks, tie him up with his silk shirt just to see that look in the brown eyes, but…

Sighing he leaned back and unbuttoned the grey jeans, pulling them down the long legs and stood up to go to the bathroom, taking a wet towel and kneeling between the slightly spread legs, carefully removing the dried blood from the scratches.

He felt Hyungwon's eyes on his face and he didn't need to look to know that those brown orbs must be filled with fury. A glance at the bed revealed long fingers buried in the hotel sheets and Hoseok could feel the force of each exhale as it tickled his forehead.

"Tease," Hyungwon forced out eventually, body trembling even though his touch was no more than a brush of fingers against his knee. "Fucking tease."

“Do you live far from here?” he asked as he cleaned the cuts and stared at them because there was literally nothing in his hotel room that he could’ve put on them.

"As far as the city of Barcelona reaches," Hyungwon whispered in reply and leaned down just enough to lick over the shell of his ear. The other man's hands remained tangled with the sheets, as if following an unwritten rule, but Hoseok felt a naked calf playfully brush over his side.

“Is that the truth or a cover for you wanting to stay?” He chuckled, before standing up to throw the towel into the sink. Washing it a few times, he hung it up on the edge of the tub and returned, stopping a few meters away from the tall man on his bed.

_You really didn’t think that you’d meet him._

He didn’t, and the sight was somewhat unreal because he had never gotten what he wanted. Or he had gotten it but was unhappier than before.

_You know that you wanted to see him. At least once. To make sure you got the smile right._

"It is neither because I don’t need an excuse." Hyungwon was leaning on his palms, elbows slightly bent and long legs stretched out in front of him. The other man looked gorgeous and judging from the expression on his face, he knew very well. The white shirt had two more open buttons and threatened to slip down the golden shoulder. "Are you scared? Why are you standing so far away, Hoseok?"

“I stand far away because you mess everything up. I told you I don’t let anybody touch me, and you scratch me, stroke me, trace the shape of my lips before kissing me. I told you I won’t let anybody get close because I don’t want you close enough to hurt me, but you keep scratching a hole in that closed door while pulling on thin threads that you try to attach anywhere, and I watch you and let you like an idiot. We don’t know each other, do we? I have no idea who you are, I only know how you look when you’re genuine and I know that there’s a difference between how you smile at something that makes you feel, or the way you smile when you want something. I only know how to touch you and you only know how to scratch at that door that I locked, so why…” Hoseok moved closer throughout until he was hovering over Hyungwon’s body, making him lean back on the bed and look up at him.

The other man swallowed, gaze changing from the playful challenge to something unreadable and unfamiliar. Hyungwon's eyes were wide and jumped from one feature on his face to another, seemingly tracing them like a painting.

"Because you have seen more of me than anybody else has and still you feel like there is nothing." Fingers reached out and stroked over his cheek before tracing his jaw. A thumb brushed over his lips, applying a little bit of pressure. "At the same time, I only scratch at a locked door and you call it everything, Hoseok. How is that fair?"

“Was it ever supposed to be fair? Do we have to make a fair exchange? Why? I never… asked you to share anything about yourself. I accepted your con-artist behaviour when you were trying to be five people at once because it’s not my fucking business and you must have a reason, right? And as for me... I locked myself in. I don’t want to exchange anything, I just want…” He inhaled suddenly feeling the closeness with every cell of his body, the lack of cover protecting him and making him completely vulnerable to everything that was happening to him. Hoseok hated feeling this way, because that was precisely the moment he could get hurt most.

_You can’t let him. Don’t let him say anything._

Leaning in, he kissed the plump lips with so much desperation that he was sure it was noticeable to the person he was kissing.

Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his neck, plump lips applying just as much pressure to his while raking through his hair. The touches were affectionate, resembling the softness of a canvas when the layers of paint were scratched off, leaving the blank whiteness. Hoseok could barely breathe, gasping for air that only seemed to exist between their lips.

Warm palms cupped his cheeks when Hyungwon finally leaned back, meeting his gaze with his big, brown eyes.

"It wasn't meant to be fair," the low voice whispered, still so close that Hoseok could feel each breath. "I only wanted you to know that the door doesn't need to open for me to feel, whereas you speak as if you need more from me."

_He says he doesn’t need it to open, then why is he fucking scratching on it?_

“I don’t,” he lied and leaned back, feeling the thick lead-like mixture that he knew so well. He had just stumbled into one of the trust-issues that killed him as soon as he had to be with people, a bit of the disappointment and of course the crippling fear of abandonment. The reason he was always alone. Crawling down from the bed, he walked to the minibar and grabbed the first thing that looked like alcohol before opening it. Fear was the hardest to handle, and alcohol usually helped if there was enough.

_Maybe you should get a bottle of vodka from room-service. The money must be good for something._

Hoseok took a big gulp and fell into the soft cushions of the couch. His ears were buzzing, and his heart was racing, but there was just one question that crossed his mind when he looked up at the ceiling instead of the man on his bed that pulled out the things that he didn’t want to feel.

_If you are protecting yourself by acting this way, why… don’t you feel better?_

***

_You liar._

Hyungwon knew that he was, and the knowledge had never bothered him much, especially since the lie was his tool to uncover the truth.

_But your lies have never had such consequences._

Hoseok was a closed door and even though Hyungwon kept scratching over it with his bare hands, he only saw splinters break off the surface, tiny pieces of wood that bruised his hands.

_Only for him to cover the small wounds in kisses, confusing you about what it is that he wants._

_What it is that you want._

Hyungwon had no real answer to that, not since writing his article had stopped being his ultimate goal. It wasn't even the truth that he yearned for, the opened door that seemed to be a reward if only he stayed persistent, but that wasn't what drove him.

_You're not close to him to open it, but because you want to._

When Hoseok moved back from him, stepped away and severed all points of contact, Hyungwon saw another similarity between them.

_The belief that distance can solve all your problems._

It didn't, it hadn't and Hyungwon should have finally stopped believing that it would. His prior desire to understand more and reveal more was a poor excuse for what he actually attempted to pull out of the other man, what he yearned to see once more.

_You want him to look at you like he did that night. You want him to let you touch him the way he did back then._

Hoseok had swallowed several gulps of what looked like vodka before falling on top of the couch, attempting to solve whatever was between them with another burst of self-destructive behaviour.

_And still you can't bear to let him._

His knee hurt a little when he stood up, probably because the shell that cut him had cut deep, but Hyungwon swallowed down the sting and made his way to the couch. The distance was his fault this time, his fault for pushing when he should have been pulling instead.

Reaching out, he carefully brushed his fingers over Hoseok's hair, travelling down to his nape. Hyungwon wasn't sure if the artist would let him this time, if the moment hadn't broken.

"I lied," he whispered, fingertips stopping right where he remembered biting several weeks ago and pulling a moan from the curved mouth. "But, so did you."

"Doesn't it feel better?" Hoseok asked, still refraining from looking at him, dark gaze roaming the ceiling that was blank.

"I thought the same about a month of distance, but still, I went to see your art as soon as it arrived." Hyungwon could tell that the other man was difficult to reach now, that he entered a realm he had no access to. Still, he crawled on top of the black leather, feeling it stick to his naked legs, and continued the path of his fingertips. He let them trace the still slightly wet shirt, the muscular chest and back up to Hoseok's shoulders.

_You know that he doesn't let himself be touched. Is that why you can't stop?_

"I lied when I said that I came to see the sea only. I came because I needed to see whether I got the smile right, but I'm not you, I don't pretend to be somebody and find out where you live or pull out all the information I can get from your friends. I'm just me, so I imagined meeting you once at the sea because you like it so much and act as if we don't know each other, but on the other hand, do we? I imagined meeting you by chance, but I knew how ridiculous it was, but I still wanted to come." Hoseok sighed and drank more. Thankfully the bottle wasn't a big one, but it was still concerning him.

_You can't leave him like this, even if you didn't care you couldn't._

"There would be no information to gain from friends. I don't have any." He sighed too and sank deeper into the cushions, wondering why Hoseok didn't feel dangerous despite all of his attempts to seem so. The blonde man had more information about him than anybody else.

_More than your own parents._

"I imagined going back to Madrid, all the way to your house. But without a reason because I knew that you weren't going to believe it anyway. In the end, I continued hopelessly trying to put feelings into words, similar to what I do now. It's my hobby, you see."

"You must be really good with words. I'm not. I'm not good without words either, but you've seen it, so who am I telling it to? Friends…is a concept foreign to me because it's a give and take. There's nothing to give, so there can be no friendship with me. Hyunwoo just happens to be the only person who accepts the fact that I don't want to give." Hoseok closed his eyes. A distinct noise made him look down and realise that it was stemming from the way the other man was holding onto the bottle and moving his fingers, making the grip so tight that his knuckles turned white and the rubbing resulted in a sound.

_He must feel like he's going mad._

"Aren't we perfect then?" he whispered, catching himself on the words, but not in time. "Both unwilling to give, but ending up giving nevertheless. As unrealistic as a fairy-tale, but still true. Those are the truths I love the most, the hidden ones."

Hyungwon let his hand dance over Hoseok's chest and shoulders and followed all the way to the other man's fingers, hoping to ease their grip and keep Hoseok from hurting himself.

"Let go, Hoseok," he breathed out.

The black eyes finally met his gaze and the other man flinched briefly at his touch before licking his lips. "Why do you always make me?"

_Why does he always react that way to your touch?_

Hyungwon yearned to find answers, but only discovered more questions, one more complex than the next.

"I'm not sure," he replied honestly and moved closer, carefully resting his head on Hoseok's shoulder. The room seemed deadly quiet like this, no sounds but his own heartbeat and Hoseok's breaths right next to his ear. "Maybe because I know how relieving it can be once you do. You showed me after all."

"It's not relief that I feel." Hoseok placed the bottle on the table and wrapped one arm around his shoulders, caressing his hair and neck and forcing his shirt to travel lower down his shoulder when he brushed over his exposed skin. "But I'm glad that you did."

"What do you feel?" he asked immediately, curious and hoping to cover up the way goose bumps instantly spread over his skin and forced his hands to tremble. The warm hands continued caressing him, gifting him tender touches just like that.

"Hmm, it's complicated because it changes and the judgment of what happened does, so self-hatred is what I'm left with. It's not new, it's in every single one of my paintings, but it came out when I let go. There's no way to fix me because I don't want to be fixed. I don't want to be normal, but I don't want to be broken like this either, so I need to live this way."

_He drowns in self-hatred that he doesn't want to feel, but at the same time there doesn't seem to be a way out, because if it involves letting somebody in, then he doesn't want it._

Hyungwon didn't know what to say at first, how to make it better for Hoseok because as the other man said, he didn't see a way for anything to change, not with the methods he was willing to use.

"What makes you think that you need to be normal in order to not be broken?" he asked finally, wondering if one might have considered him broken too if that is what not being normal entails. "I don't believe in normal. It's a farce, an arbitrary concept that you act out just as well as I do."

"People smile. They are happy sometimes and even though I know that every single person has their baggage to carry there are still things that make them happy, bring them joy, let them be creative and productive. I'm just busy with drawing my demons and trying not to die by accident. I actually don't want to die because there's this irrational fear from my childhood that tells me that everything would disappear, apart from the bad things and that those would haunt me until the end of time. Exciting right? I know it doesn't make sense, but I cherish it because it keeps me alive." Hoseok smiled briefly and sunk further into the cushions. "I think I've used up all the words I usually speak in a month."

_He's so vulnerable._

"You cherish your fear of death and I cherish your words," Hyungwon murmured in reply and hoped he was able to say the right thing. Finding the right words was always his challenge, but somehow it felt like doing it carried so much more meaning with Hoseok. There was something vulnerable about the situation, like both of them were walking on thin ice and a single wrong word was going to break it and pull them under. "I think I do a better job at keeping you alive than your irrational fear does though."

A chuckle sounded and Hoseok stroked over his hair gently. "You did a better job when you were next to me for two weeks, but my irrational fear has saved me throughout the years. In addition, you tried to take care of my body, but you also didn't listen to me."

_Because it wasn't only his body that he constantly seemed to harm._

"If you're telling me that I should have, then you are lying, Hoseok. Even though you kept telling me to listen, I know that you like it when I don't."

"Mhm. Because it's an integral part of you and I like the way you are," the low voice whispered before Hoseok stood up and pulled at his hands to lift him to his feet and take him along to the bed. "Sitting isn't really comfortable if you have a cut knee," the other man murmured and lay down, pulling him into his arms carefully.

_He-_

Hyungwon swallowed, suddenly overwhelmed by the genuine words, the fact that Hoseok just told him that he liked him as a person.

_You cannot even accuse him of lying because he is the only one who seems to see you for who you are._

Hyungwon couldn't even say how that had happened, why Hoseok had ended up seeing a version of him that didn't brush over traits, smiles or behaviours. Maybe it was the two weeks they spent together and the fact that Hoseok wanted to see the sea, his essence.

His cheeks felt hot and Hyungwon hoped he wasn’t blushing because mere words made him react in a way that even a touch rarely could.

"You wanted to make sure you captured my smile correctly, right?" he whispered, lying on Hoseok's warm chest and wondering why he didn't pull away, why he didn't try to have the upper hand or at least make sure he knew what was happening.

_He's here for a reason._

"Mhm. Are you tired?" Hoseok's voice sounded low and calm, as if nothing could happen to him if only he listened to the other man's heartbeat and felt the slow strokes against his hair repeating endlessly.

Hyungwon wanted to say something playful, something partially sarcastic and provocative. He wanted the control of the situation back in his hands by telling Hoseok that now he had the chance to get what he wanted from him before leaving again, satisfying his curiosity and fucking off. But Hyungwon couldn't do it. He couldn't say it, none of it.

_Because it feels wrong, wrong to break something as fragile as this._

Instead he hummed softly and rubbed his hair against Hoseok's palm, enjoying the touch as he closed his eyes and inhaled the familiar scent.

The mixed scent of flowers, paint and the sea.

_

A tremble passed through his body and Hyungwon jerked awake, arms wrapping tighter around a thick blanket that wasn't his.

_You're not home._

He immediately turned to the side and opened his eyes, blinded by the brightness of the room but disappointed nevertheless.

_Because there is no painting._

He was lying in a king-sized bed in a hotel room, alone. Light was shining through the big windows and Hyungwon could sense a hint of sea when he inhaled. His dream must have confused him as it returned him back to the spacious house in Madrid, the basement where red ropes wrapped around him and a thick brush painted him on a canvas.

_You can't get it out of your head, no matter how much time passes._

Hyungwon wasn't surprised that Hoseok had left. After all, he hadn't seen the other man asleep even once over the time he had been in Madrid. There was no reason for that to change now that they were in Barcelona. There seemed to be something forbidden to waking up next to each other, like kissing through bars, fighting against the surrounding restrictions.

_It's been so long since you thought that way._

There was no space for affection for somebody who wasn't allowed to share, to show himself. There was only disappointment when a genuine question was answered with a silent smile or a lie when silence wasn't accepted.

_Maybe that is what he means. The door to his gallery can never be opened, but still you scratch over it, unwilling to give up._

Hyungwon should have been familiar with the situation. After all, he had ended up doing the same, lying to people he cared about because they needed an answer he couldn't give. Distance had ended up the better solution.

_Because why yearn for something that doesn't exist for you and never will._

Staring at the made sheets next to him, Hyungwon wondered if Hoseok had always acted this way with everybody. Had there ever been a case when the artist fell in love and his usual strategies didn't work?

_Why wouldn't they work? Yours have also always worked._

He chuckled and climbed out of bed, glad to see that the cut on his knee had healed sufficiently to wear jeans without unnecessary discomfort. Slipping into the grey fabric, he brushed his teeth with the toothbrush provided by the hotel and fixed his hair. His expression looked too much like himself for his taste and he wondered if thinking about the past was the reason for that.

_It's good to remember. It tells you that you are far from ordinary and not only because of your choices._

His past decisions were a way to ensure that he was alive despite being empty. Negative emotions seemed to be the only ones able to fill up the space, emotions that Hoseok painted and was overflowing with.

_But you need to fight for them, unable to keep any of them for longer than a second before you stop caring._

Hyungwon had been in love too and he had loved the feeling of being in love. It's presence, without being able to act on it, was intense and burned in his chest.

_You must be the only person who is grateful for unrequited love. Because it made you feel so much._

He simply wasn't a person that could share. Not because he was afraid. Fear seemed to be an emotion that his mind struggled with. Or rather, because that was the sacrifice he had to make for being able to continue, for doing what he enjoyed and found exciting.

_Did he satisfy his curiosity now?_

Hyungwon smiled to himself, imagining Hoseok stroking over his hair until he fell asleep, so the other man was able to find out whether he had drawn his smile correctly. Whether he had captured it just right.

_Just like the sight of you covered in ropes._

Maybe Hoseok was finally satisfied now, able to return to Madrid without a single regret. That had been the reason for coming after all and there was no such reason for Hyungwon, none that was that simple.

_What do you want from him?_

Hyungwon didn't have the answer to that and somehow, he doubted that his article was going to give him the peace he sought. The feeling was there, but the words hadn't found him yet.

_Maybe because he will need to find you this time for you to know._

He made his way over to the couch and retrieved his phone that he had purposely left there the night before, to make sure that he had a reason to return. This time it would be Hoseok's turn to take the next step and deliver the next word to complete the sentence in his mind.

Pulling out his wallet, he glanced at the several IDs he owned, thinking about removing them and leaving only one with the correct address.

_But why would you make this easy for him?_

He chuckled at his willingness to provide so much information about himself, letting Hoseok know much more than he should have.

_Because it excites you._

Throwing his wallet on the couch, he brushed through his hair one last time before fixing a charismatic smile on his lips and becoming neither himself nor somebody else. It was an undefined mixture of individuals in between. The person that the people in front of him wanted and expected to see.

A person that Hoseok would have to get past to find him.

_But only if the gallery doesn't hold onto him too tightly._

At first Hyungwon had wanted to leave just like that, leaving his wallet behind and not bothering to do anything else, but in the last moment he remembered that it wasn’t like him.

_You want to know more, don’t you?_

His hands tingled with excitement as he started out with every single shelf and cupboard he could find, the wardrobe that only had a few shirts that Hoseok wanted to keep unwrinkled and the bathroom that had only the most basic toiletries that the hotel didn’t already provide. Looking at everything he could find, there wasn’t much to learn about Hoseok, nothing that Hyungwon hadn’t already learned from being at his house.

_You only know that he is minimal in everything, as if there is no point in owning anything._

Maybe it was because Hoseok never left his house in the first place, not much at least. The only thing that the artist had suffered from during the lockdown was the number of blank canvases he still had towards the end of the first week. Hoseok didn’t seem to need belongings.

_Sometimes one might think he doesn’t even need food or drink._

Hyungwon chewed on his lips, aware that Hoseok had barely eaten the night before and that the artist probably hadn’t bothered to eat this morning.

He grabbed the phone next to the bed and dialled the number for room service, aware that people would be able to tell that his voice wasn’t the artist’s and that another man had been in his room. But somehow Hoseok wasn’t the type of person that Hyungwon needed to be that careful with. Using the most charming tone he could muster, he requested a three-course dinner to be delivered to the room around eight.

_You cannot be sure that he will eat it, but at least he will be reminded._

Hyungwon didn’t expect to find anything, but to be thorough, he looked through Hoseok’s bag. There were a few pairs of fresh underwear and some clothes that Hoseok hadn’t considered necessary to hang up, but otherwise nothing of informational value.

_Only that he doesn’t dress all in black when he’s outside of his apartment. Why?_

Maybe Hoseok preferred to blend in, just like he had at the gallery.

Sighing, he opened the last side pocket and expected to find absolutely nothing, only to be positively surprised. Instead of an empty pocket, his eyes focused on a piece of rope, blood-red in colour and causing his heart to beat so rapidly he feared it was going to jump out of his chest.

_It looks just like the one he used on you._

His fingers were shaking when he reached out and let the tip of his index finger brush over the material, along the whole length as far as he could without taking it out of the bag. Somehow it felt like as soon as he touched it fully, let the piece of rope wrap around his fingers, he wouldn’t be able to put it back.

_Because it is yours and yours only._

Hyungwon couldn’t explain why it felt that way, but his dreams had only reinforced the feeling, the thought that the red rope belonged to him alone. He bit down on his bottom lip in the hope that it would help him to contain the urge to reach out and feel again how the material felt against his skin, around his wrist instead of it only brushing over the tip of his index finger.

_You can’t leave it here, not if you could have a real piece close to you to remember, to have more than your memories and dreams._

Reaching out, he pulled the piece of rope out of the pocket and couldn’t describe why it felt hot in his hand when it couldn’t have been. It was all in his mind, emphasizing the effect being tied up had on him, how helpless but at the same time safe he had felt.

_It was intense and that is what you cannot forget, enough to fill out the nothing that you usually feel._

He glanced around to come up with a non-obvious place to put it. It was way too big for his pockets and he didn’t have a bag, no place to hide it. Thinking for a few seconds, he took off his white shirt and began to wrap the gorgeous rope around his arm and wrist, using just enough of it to not be too obvious under his shirt. Only the colour was concerning but it would have to do. As soon as he put his shirt back on, he felt ready to compose himself. He couldn’t be mesmerized and utterly out of it outside of the hotel room, away from the four walls that hid him away from curious glances.

_Time to get a grip._

Flexing his fingers a few times to focus on that sensation instead, he slipped into his shoes and made his way to the door. As soon as he opened it, his expression was in place and his body felt like it was under control and belonged to him again. How necessary that was became apparent when he ended up face to face with Hyunwoo who had been just about to knock on the door.

_Well, isn’t that great?_

Hyungwon’s mind worked instantly to come up with an excuse until he realized that wasn’t necessary because the man in front of him thought he was one of the ‘puppies’ that Hoseok liked to tie up and fuck in his basement.

“Oh, hey! Did you sleep well?” the other man asked genuinely before smiling, as if staying with Hoseok meant that he didn’t get any sleep in the first place.

_At least he didn't think it's weird that there is no basement involved._

"Yeah, it was alright although not enough of it," he replied with a grin, playing along and closing the door behind himself. "How about you? Did Hoseok not tell you that he left already?"

_As if you knew._

“He left? Not again… I hope he’ll be back on time, we have an appointment at the European museum of modern art in the afternoon and he's not picking up his phone. Nothing… bad happened, right?” Looking concerned, Hyunwoo let his eyes flutter shut before simply pressing his forehead against the wall next to the doorframe. “But you’re going home now, right? Let the hotel get you a cab and charge it to the room.”

_Use the financial benefits, huh?_

"Yeah, I'm going home, and I hope Hoseok won't mind me using a cab on his expenses." Hyungwon kept up the smile and gestured for Hyunwoo to come with him as he made his way towards the elevator. "You sound like Hoseok has done this before. Does he do it a lot? Must be super tiring. To be honest, everything seemed fine when I fell asleep last night."

_Depending on the definition of fine._

“What exactly? Paying for cabs? Yeah, he always does that. He makes sure that you’re safe.” Hyunwoo smiled again as they stepped into the elevator and he pressed the ground floor. Hyungwon managed to contain the instant memory of what it meant to feel safe. “One never knows how it’ll turn out; many things can happen when you sleep.”

_Because of his thoughts._

He hummed, only belatedly realizing that wasn’t very much in character.

“Yeah, that’s probably true. I’m sure he’s fine though. I’ll let you know in case I see him. He might have a pretty nasty hangover actually.”

_Or he’s used to having a hangover because it’s better than being able to think._

Hyungwon said everything that came to mind in order to be sufficiently talkative and hoped that did the job. At this point he just wanted to go home and be able to focus on the rope that rubbed slightly over the skin of his right arm.

“No worries. He will come eventually. He knows about the appointment but this being somewhere on time is a bit hard. I can’t complain though. Let me call the cab for you.” Walking to the receptionist, Hoseok’s agent briefly gestured towards him and made the man call a cab for him. “They said you can go out, it’s almost here,” Hyunwoo commented and smiled, giving him a business card. “I don’t know if we will see each other again, but if we don’t please take care. If you don’t only like Hoseok’s- uh- what I wanted to say if you like his art too, there will be a big exhibition at the European museum of art in two months, Hoseok agreed to show them everything but for three days only, so I might put you on the list, just give me a call.”

Hyungwon stared at first, realizing what an exhibition of everything meant. Everything that Hoseok had, all those paintings that were at the actual studio and that Hyungwon hadn’t been able to see in that short time. There was so much to see at that exhibition that he had to contain his enthusiasm because it didn’t suit somebody who was supposed to be a ‘puppy’.

“I might, it sounds cool,” he commented and continued playing his role, fingers playing with the business card as he was just about to put it into his wallet only to remember that he didn’t have it. He slipped it into the pocket of his jeans instead and thought about the fact that he would need to go at night when nobody else was there to get the right impression and see everything. The thought led him to the one thing he was able to ask without suspicions. “Will Hoseok also be there?”

“If there’s something I can’t know for sure, then it’s whether he’ll come. He said he couldn’t just create a gallery without going there, but you never know with him. He might, but he might not. Let yourself be surprised. This is a bit personal, but please don’t get hurt- he isn’t someone who will give you what you need.” Smiling briefly, Hyunwoo gestured outside at the cab that waited for him, before pulling out his phone and picking up a call, waving on his way back to the lobby.

As Hyungwon climbed into the backseat and gifted the driver a brief smile, he regretted not having the opportunity to ask what it was that Hyunwoo assumed that he needed.

Muttering an address that was slightly off out of habit, he sank deeper into the car seat and successfully ignored the fact that he could guess what Hyunwoo must have thought.

_Love and affection, huh?_

Somehow Hyungwon doubted that he was looking for it, just like Hoseok. The difference was that the artist pushed everybody away that dared to try to touch and that Hyungwon would have found it already had he bothered looking.

_You were looking for feelings and excitement and that is what you found._

The cab stopped at the bookstore Hyungwon had requested and he climbed out, smiling and thanking the driver for the effort and what else was necessary to get information out of him if it ever ended up being necessary.

The way to his apartment building wasn't far and as usual he felt at ease as soon as he turned into his street and ended up being the only one there. Nobody ever bothered to follow him, and he didn't feel scared either, but it must have been a habit that he developed.

Inhaling deeply because the scent would be much weaker as soon as he entered the building, Hyungwon pushed open the front door that nobody ever locked and made his way up the stairs. He wasn't quite able to relax yet, but the first step already enabled him to exhale all the air in his lungs and brush through his long hair. He wanted to let his fingers run over the rope around his wrist and be able to figure it out, figure himself out maybe.

When he followed the curve of the staircase to walk up the second flight of stairs, his eyes fell on a figure that sat on the last step in front of his door.

_What?_

He instantly froze for a second or two before catching himself and smiling, even before he recognised who it was.

"Hyungwon Chae. I guess I picked the right one," the low voice commented followed by a smile.

_He couldn't have been this fast._

Hyungwon had literally just left the hotel room and went to his apartment. There was no way the man in front of him could have left the hotel right after him and get here fast enough to meet him on the stairs.

_Which means he had a look beforehand, before you left him the clues._

"How did you figure it out?" he asked and gestured towards the name on his door that was a different one. "The address and the name don't match, do they?"

He smiled because he was positively surprised by the artist's willingness to find him without having the clues right in front of his face.

_That excites you too._

Hoseok looked thoughtful as he stood up and leaned against the wall next to his door, inhaling deeply and letting his eyes flutter shut. "You're right, it does smell like the sea here. More so outside, but if you're from Madrid you can tell the difference in humidity. And now let me check your cold water." The other man opened his eyes and grinned.

Hyungwon couldn't help but return the grin with one of his own, right hand already slipping into the pocket of his jeans to take out his keys. Hoseok looked gorgeous, wearing a light blue t-shirt, perfect for the high humidity and heat and grey slacks that hugged the muscular thighs tightly.

_Why are you letting him in? You never let anybody in._

Maybe Hyungwon had suddenly decided to return the favour and let Hoseok see more of him, the real him.

_Do you think it will earn his trust? Unlikely._

"You feel the difference the most when you open the window in the morning and take a deep breath," he muttered as he unlocked the plain white door and gestured for Hoseok to come in. There wasn't much to see because the less space there was, the less Hyungwon was able to clutter it with belongings. Most things were items that helped him to play a role or a collection of fancy fountain pens that he used to write. Mostly he typed, but when inspiration left him, the traditional way was the right one.

He observed Hoseok intently, curious about what would catch his eye, whether he would be surprised by the one room apartment that only had the bathroom as a separate room. His bed and desk took up the most space along with his wardrobe and shelves that covered all of the walls. Books, pens and costumes that was his life.

_Not much to see._

"This is amazing," Hoseok commented as he looked around and moved closer when he was interested in an object or a stack of books, or his own painting on the wall. Inspecting it briefly, Hoseok glared at him as soon as he found the spot with the scratched off paint. "Bad kitty. But I think it's amazing how much stuff you have!"

_He likes your clutter?_

"Huh, why?" he asked immediately and checked whether any of his notes were lying around before sitting down on the bed and offering Hoseok the chair. "Not much space though, otherwise I might have even more stuff."

"My room back in art school was the same size. But it was just full of canvases and all kinds of paper. But it looks… alive. I don't have any personal belongings because if I did I would just throw them against walls, so it's better not to have anything lying around." Smiling briefly, Hoseok reached for the spot with the red and touched it with his index finger before pulling it back.

_It's the same way you touched the rope._

"How does it feel?" he asked and observed Hoseok intently. "Seeing your own creation in a place like this with what's underneath shining through."

"I don't like my creation and I don't like what's shining through, but I like the place. It's… magical. Like a dream I had before it all turned into nightmares." Hoseok turned and stepped closer, lips lifting in a smile as he took his right hand and wrapped his left arm around his waist. "You need to dance in a place like this. I'm not sure I know how to dance, but I think there was something about steps that you take to the right and then back…" The other man took him along and hummed a melody, dancing with him through the tiny apartment while meeting stray sun rays and creating shadows that played around on his bed from their moving bodies.

_He's… being genuine._

Hyungwon didn't know what to say, overwhelmed by the genuine smile on the other man's face and the warmth around his waist that led him through the steps of a waltz. There was no music, but Hoseok's humming made up for it. The other man sounded so carefree that Hyungwon couldn't quite believe it, as if he was the one dreaming this time. After a few seconds, they stopped and Hoseok let go, but the smile remained on the pale face.

"I've always wondered what it's like to dance with somebody. I think it's nicer if you know how to do it, but I'll remember it."

Hyungwon didn't want to let go, so he led Hoseok's hand back to his waist, fingers stroking along the length of the other man's arm until they settled on his shoulder and returned their stance.

"Would you like me to teach you?" he asked softly before feeling his own lips spreading in a smile that must have mirrored Hoseok's.

"I bet that you thought 'he's super weird, but not that kind of weird' and then I come to your house and dance with you out of the blue. Didn't see that coming. It's because Hyunwoo keeps sending me articles, and they keep talking about one of my pictures, saying that it's me dancing with somebody. But I never danced with anybody. I couldn't go to parties because I had to work two jobs right after school and night shift at a gas station and when I got accepted into art school I had to work too, so I never had the opportunity to know what it feels like. How can I draw it if I don't know, right? I could draw a feeling, but there are so many in the gallery, so why should I draw something that's not there if I can draw something that's real."

_There must be so much he hasn't experienced whereas you have it all and feel nothing._

"But you drew me," he replied and changed the steps to show Hoseok the simplest version, leading him past the chair, using the little space they had. "You drew me in ropes even though you have never seen it, not in the way you painted it on the canvas in the end."

Smirking briefly, Hoseok licked his lips as his body naturally moved along to his steps. "It sounds borderline crazy, because I am, but I could literally imagine the ropes on you that's why I drew them. I could feel them, just like I feel them now." Reaching out, Hoseok stroked over his arm, tracing the rope that curled around it.

_But how could he tell?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he gasped, almost losing his footing as he was about to step back and turn them. There was no way to explain it, not with the effort he put into making the rope he had stolen invisible.

"It belongs to me," he whispered and tried to suppress the shudder that travelled down his back. "Maybe that is why you could feel it around me."

"Mhm," the low voice hummed, before Hoseok leaned in and covered his mouth with his own, exhaling against his face and both arms pulling him closer, so close that he could feel each inch of skin that met his own at once. "It's yours."

Hyungwon hadn't expected it, none of it. He hadn't expected Hoseok to come to his apartment and wait for him, even before he handed the other man the key to do so. He hadn't expected the genuine smile on the curved lips as Hoseok invited him to dance and hummed a melody that even now seemed to play inside his mind. And finally, he hadn't expected the ease with which Hoseok allowed him to have something that mattered to him before giving him what he couldn't stop thinking about ever since they began dancing.

_Why does he make you feel so much? You haven't been looking for this, so how did it find you?_

Wrapping his arms tightly around the broad neck, Hyungwon inhaled the scent of flowers that mixed with the sea and wondered if he had moved past the point of no return all by himself.

"How am I supposed to stop scratching on that door if you make me feel this way, Hoseok?"

It was quiet between them and regret started to pull at his insides, but the warm lips kissed him again and first he thought that he imagined it, but it couldn't be as the warm mouth travelled along his neck, followed by two words, spoken in that attractive low voice.

"Don't stop."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 9**

It felt strange to be outside, to hear the birds and the continuous business of Barcelona’s streets. Sure, Madrid was a busy city too, but somehow it was easier to breathe?

_Maybe it’s the humidity._

Maybe it was the fact that he only knew the city he was born in. It was so funny how when he was younger, he wished that he had enough money to not care about having a job or about paying his rent, but now that he had so much, he didn’t care.

_Would you start caring if it wasn’t enough now?_

Probably not. He changed in some way, but Hyunwoo was right. He was still unhappy. Back then and now too. The only thing that remained stable no matter how much the outside had changed.

_But it really smells like the sea here, he’s right._

Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply and suddenly remembered the gorgeous smile that he was able to observe while Hyungwon slept. He didn’t get it right, because it was so much more gorgeous, so light and at ease. He could probably never paint it right because he lacked the one thing that made Hyungwon smile like that.

_Only one?_

Sighing briefly because he caught himself missing the smile, Hoseok grinned, remembering how he looked through Hyungwon’s wallet, finding four different IDs with various names and addresses and picking out the one that that looked used the least.

_The real one._

What did a person that didn’t reveal their real identity, that acted out different roles every time, do it for? It couldn’t be for a job, but if it wasn’t, what was it for? Hoseok had so many questions but no answers to them and it seemed as if the other man had a similar door that was just as locked as his own was.

_That’s what you have in common. You don’t want anybody to find you, so you hide in your gallery because it’s safer, and he isn’t himself as soon as he opens it to go out. Even though you know how difficult it is to open your door, you still want to know what’s hiding behind his._

It had been a long time since he was close enough to anybody to become interested in who they were, where they lived, what they enjoyed. It wasn’t voluntary, but as soon as the thought developed in his mind, it led him through the gallery, to some of the conversations he remembered having with people that he had liked. That he had liked a lot.

_Like, remember? The curly brown hair, pretty eyes that looked so hurt when he opened his mouth and said that you will never change, and you just don’t give a fuck about anything apart from your shitty paint. That you should just go and live with paint then, why meet other people? That he hated you. And remember how you smiled and whispered, ‘me too’?_

Hoseok pushed the door open as it wasn’t locked and went up the stairs, stopping in front of a white door. There was a different name on it, but he was sure that it was right. He couldn’t explain it, but the feeling was present, so he sat on the stairs and leaned against the wall with his right shoulder.

_Remember how you came home from your shift and you two fought and he said that you’re fucking crazy for thinking anybody would want to see the scary shit you paint, asking why you can’t be like other people, opening the paint and pouring it over your canvasses? You said that your mind was scary, and he turned around and left, telling you that you’re hopeless and fucked up. That you’re a lonely piece of shit and a lost cause. And you whispered, ‘I know’. Because you know._

The genuine surprise on the small face as soon as it appeared after exactly sixty stairs, the same number as the stairs in his studio, pulled him out of his thoughts about previous encounters and he stood up and followed Hyungwon into the tiny apartment that looked so personal. There were so many things, paper, books, pens, some small plants and just… everything was cluttered in a beautiful messy way that made him want to feel the chaos and move.

_Dance. But you don’t know how to dance._

It sounded stupid, even to his crazy mind, but somehow it felt as if now was the perfect moment to dance, to move in circles in the magical chaos of Hyungwon’s sunny apartment, to feel the air twirl around him and inhale the scent of sea that somehow found its way into the small space, that connected to his paintings and bloomed, just like the man in his arms.

_It’s a bit magical somehow._

Hyungwon moved his hips with him, leading him and when their arms brushed he felt the rope underneath, wrapping around the other man’s wrist and arm, making him… his.

_You found his house and came here, but why does it feel as if he’s the present._

His thoughts were a bit blurry when he followed the outline of the rope with his fingertip, wondering why he felt so much. Why it felt so intense to dance in the tiny apartment among all the things that Hyungwon owned whereas he didn’t own anything. It felt magical, the low voice talked about scratching on the door of his gallery again, the warm fingers stroked over his arm, tugging on the fabric, like a silent whisper that he could barely hear. An invitation.

_You don’t want him to stop. You…_

He must’ve said it out loud because he could hear it echo and he felt the reaction, Hyungwon’s arms around his neck, the hot lips exhaling loudly right next to his ear. What was wrong with him?

_Didn’t you get hurt enough? Why? Why now? Why would you need somebody now? Why would you feel as if it’s the only thing you can do? Why can’t you leave?_

He couldn’t. He didn’t need anybody, and he didn’t search for them. Hyungwon simply found him and made him addicted to the sound of round nails scratching on the door to his gallery as he sat there, fumbling with his keys, scared and at the same time feeling so much less lonely because he knew there was somebody who wanted to see what’s inside. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t open the door because he forgot how, it was only important that there was somebody who was waiting for him.

_That’s why you’re going to show him your paintings of what's in the gallery. In his hometown. Because you forgot how to open that door, but you want to show him. Show him without getting involved, without burdening him, without starting anything and most importantly, without giving him the opportunity to hurt you and trying not to hurt him in return._

“Why are… we like this?” he whispered, before sucking on the warm skin of Hyungwon’s neck that still tasted salty from their trip to the sea. The scent was so natural on him and Hoseok couldn’t get enough of it. His mind was screaming. Telling him to let go or to at least shut up, but somehow, Hyungwon managed to make him talk. It was pure hypocrisy that his thoughts were circling about how bad it was that he felt this way, how destructive it was to his mind and his feeling of safety to be acting that way, and on the other hand, observing his body that didn’t care, that pulled Hyungwon closer, kissed him, roamed his back and wanted him. Wanted him more than anything.

_You vomited acid because you couldn’t get yourself to forget about him after he was gone. It’s as if your body needs him close. You’re fucking terrified of abandonment, so you push away, but why don’t you push him away?_

"I wish I knew," Hyungwon replied and traced the shell of his ear before covering it with kisses, traveling down to his neck. "I don't allow anybody to find this place, but here you are. I thought it was the excitement, but is that all? I doubt it. How do you feel, Hoseok?"

_You feel like you’re a fake, because you keep pushing him away but still come to Barcelona, come here and dance with him, kiss him and want to be even closer. You’re fake because you don’t let others touch you, but with him you do. Why did you make all those rules? To feel good about yourself? To appear desirable? Because you can’t handle the loneliness? But you can’t tell him. How could you? It would be another fake thing to do._

"I feel like you gave yourself to me by wrapping this rope around yourself. Maybe you didn't, but it feels like it. I feel like it's true." He stepped back and sat on Hyungwon's bed, pulling the other man on top of his lap without disconnecting their lips. His thoughts were like heavy lead, flowing and crawling along his throat and making it harder to breathe, but their closeness, the slow build-up of arousal and the tingling along his sides distracted him just enough to open his eyes wide and look at Hyungwon and his gorgeous soft features.

"What if it's true?" Hyungwon whispered against his mouth and brushed through his blonde hair, long fingers applying pressure to his temples. He could feel Hyungwon's thighs pulling his own together and burning through the fabric of his pants. "What happens then, Hoseok?"

_What happens then? Will you be able to silence the voices in your head? To stop feeling fake and lonely? Will you be able to just...?_

"If it's true," he whispered, hands sliding down Hyungwon's sides and wrapping around his behind to pull him closer against his body as they kissed again, desperate and out of breath. "If it's really true… then you're mine and I can't say no."

_You can’t. You can’t be normal, and you can’t make yourself feel better, but you can’t say no either._

Hyungwon gasped out loud as soon as their chests met, sound echoing off the walls of his small apartment. "Does that mean that the rope is mine then?"

_No. That means that he can hurt you._

"It's yours. You stole it, but thinking about it, how I drew it on you and how you looked when it finally touched your skin, it's been yours from the start." Leaning back a little, far enough for his hands to unbutton Hyungwon's shirt, he pulled it down the other man's shoulder, revealing the red hemp rope that he loved so much circling the slim arm.

"Tie it properly," Hyungwon whispered.

_You would love to._

"It's too short to do your whole body justice, but I guess I can practice on your neck…" he whispered, stroking the soft skin with his fingers, from the collarbone to Hyungwon's jaw, using all five fingers to stimulate some of the sensitive spots.

He could feel the slim thighs flex around his own even though the other man didn't make a single sound. Big, brown eyes observed him intently, as if contemplating his words and how to reply to them. Hyungwon's right hand travelled to the delicate neck and traced the path that his own hand had taken before settling on top of it.

"Do it," Hyungwon muttered.

_Do it._

Hoseok inhaled to calm his heartbeat and be focused. Of course, it needed to be a non-collapsing knot and he made it loose enough to not compress any blood vessel as he carefully unwrapped the rope and pushed two fingers through the bight, before running the strands of the red rope around the back of Hyungwon's neck.

_This excites you so much because it's him._

Exhaling sharply, he grabbed the tail and pulled the little loop through, before running it back around Hyungwon's neck in the other direction, making sure that the cords were parallel and even.

_This looks like it's made for him._

Hoseok licked his lips and made three chains for the tie before taking it into his hand and pulling lightly, but with enough strength for Hyungwon to feel it.

"You're gorgeous, kitty," he whispered, before pulling harder and clashing their lips together.

Hyungwon's arms were loose around his neck, as if the other man wanted to focus on the sensation of their lips alone, moving along to the tugs on his neck. As if to prove once again that he was far from being a puppy, Hoseok could tell that tension remained in Hyungwon's thighs and chest, as if always ready to pull away if he wanted to. Somehow that made the realization that Hyungwon didn't want to move away even more meaningful.

_Does he trust you?_

"How are you doing this?" the plump lips whispered against his before Hyungwon leaned back just enough to meet his gaze. There was something desperate in the brown eyes, a hint of wonder at what was happening between them. Not even a second passed before he felt that hot mouth on his again. "How are you doing this, Hoseok?"

_This?_

"What…" he started, kissing back and carefully tugging on the leash occasionally, pulling Hyungwon closer and realizing his inhales weren't enough to stop the dizziness that their situation made him feel. "What do you mean?"

"You make me feel," Hyungwon murmured and began to cover his face in kisses, at first the corners of his mouth and then his jaw and cheeks. The other man's hands tightened around his neck and fingers sank into his hair, raking through it with each kiss that graced his skin. "How are you making me feel so much? It seems like my chest is about to burst, Hoseok."

_You are making him feel? You’ve heard it before, haven’t you?_

"I don't know. I really…" he whispered again, but decided to kiss those lips again, travelling towards the curled ear and the collar, placing kisses around it and pulling occasionally. "I have a pretty bad record in establishing and holding an emotional connection. I'm just trying not to go insane because my mind is working extra hard to prevent me from being close to you, but I want to."

_You want to but you know so well that it’s a shit idea. That you’ll be hurt again and that you won’t give him what he might need._

Fingers tugged at his hair in response to the tugs on the collar, but it wasn’t an attempt to fight back. Rather, Hyungwon seemed unable to contain the way he reacted judging by the way his thighs trembled. It reminded him of how those gorgeous hands arranged themselves above the other man's head when he was touching him.

"Then let go, Hoseok. The way you allow me to let go."

_You can’t. Because if there’s no control, there’s no you and you might do something stupid._

"Did you realize that I very rarely flinch when I'm being touched? Do you know why?" he asked, tasting more of the long neck and stroking over his thigh and slipping into the rips in his jeans with his left hand.

Hyungwon shook his head quickly and tried to muffle a moan by kissing him again. The man in his arms seemed to bask in his touches and melt into him more with each passing second, chest rising and falling rapidly and nails leaving half-moon formed marks on his shoulders.

_Why would you share it?_

"Mhm. It only happens when I'm close to somebody intimately without my usual pattern and I flinch because I feel too much. But… I'm wondering…" Hoseok leaned back just enough to see the big brown eyes. "Have you been tied up before?"

_He wasn’t. You just try to distract._

Hyungwon's eyes widened at his words and the way the other man's hands roamed his shoulders changed, becoming tender and inviting, as if Hyungwon considered its intensity something that needed to change. As if he thought the way he touched Hoseok was the reason he felt overwhelmed and flinched.

"No," the low voice mumbled eventually as Hyungwon leaned in and let his warm tongue trace the curve of his lips. "But I've… dreamt about it."

"It’s not that I flinch because I don't want to be touched. It's my body acting as crazy as I am because, I really want to be touched, but the response is… Like that." He smiled briefly and pulled at the leash to kiss Hyungwon's pretty lips. "You dreamt about it? What did you dream?"

_You can't dream nice things, it must be so calming to fall asleep and know that there might be something good waiting for you._

"I-" Hyungwon hesitated and Hoseok enjoyed the way the slim body on top of him trembled each time he tugged on the red rope around his neck. It was a gorgeous collar, one that Hyungwon must be enjoying even more than he let on. The grip on his shoulders switched back to nails that travelled along them, and he couldn't tell how much of it was conscious. "I dreamt of the red rope, all around me. And- I wasn't on the ground, but… in the air."

_In the air, huh? You could make him fly and forget about everything. The feeling that you want but are never able to experience._

"You mean you were hung up? That needs many precautionary measures and some technique, but I can do it pretty well…" Hoseok took his index finger and reached for the delicate neck, stroking down his collarbones and making a pattern of the rope, circling the skin where the knots would be located.

"But it was just a dream," Hyungwon muttered and trembled from the touch of his fingers. It sounded like an excuse and the other man must be feeling breathless and dizzy from their kisses because it was so easy to tell. "It doesn't mean anything."

_He really wants it._

"It doesn't mean anything? Well, my dreams always mean something, namely that I was exhausted enough to fall asleep and be dragged to the scariest part of the gallery where I have to watch until my body decides that it's had enough sleep and I can wake up again. But you… you smile. It must be so amazing. But don't worry. If you say it's meaningless, I will act as if I believe that it is." Hoseok chuckled briefly, gaze wandering from Hyungwon’s neck to his handsome face.

"Fuck-" Hyungwon hissed and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "You can't just say that and expect me to hold onto my words. Some dreams don't mean anything, but the ones that feel too real do. What have you done to me, Hoseok?"

_What have you done? You have no idea, but it doesn’t mean that you did nothing._

It didn't sound like Hyungwon expected an answer because he crawled a little closer on his lap and wrapped himself tighter around him. Hoseok felt teeth in his neck and a tongue that licked all the way to his earlobe. "Pull it again. Please."

_God, you’re so weak for this._

His skin tingled, mostly on his thighs and his chest, making him feel the fabric on it even more. Licking his lips because he continued breathing with his mouth, Hoseok took off his shirt, before grabbing the leash and pulling on it enough to have Hyungwon's neck right next to his mouth, nibbling on the soft skin and caressing the warm thighs through the rips in the tight jeans.

He could feel a twitch against his skin that stemmed from the other man's groin, accompanied by a breathy gasp that bordered on a moan. Hyungwon's fingers tightened in his shoulders and pulled him closer, scratching just enough to leave red lines without them remaining for longer than a few seconds.

"Hoseok, you-" Hyungwon tried, but gave up on speech right after.

_You… can't get enough of him._

"I want you," he whispered against the warm neck before travelling lower, licking over the tiny nipples and making sure to pull on the leash again when he sucked them into his mouth.

"Have me," the low voice replied instantly, as if there was no need to contemplate or decide, as if letting go took only a matter of seconds and was easy. Hoseok could feel each time the slim man twitched in his jeans, reacting to the way he tugged on the leash while still fighting to remain aware. "Have me, Hoseok."

The arousal was so intense that it blurred his senses when Hyungwon shifted closer, providing friction and forcing him to release a low moan. Hoseok wanted him so much that it took effort to slowly unbutton the other man's jeans, pushing him from his lap and pulling the piece of clothing down the long legs, covering the golden skin in bites and placing tender kisses against the dry cuts.

Hyungwon was breathing heavily throughout, fingers clenching into fists before unclenching again as he threw his head back and shut his eyes. He was beautiful and Hoseok couldn't get enough of the reactions that appeared to be stretching the limits of his restraint.

Suddenly, fingers stroked over his head and intertwined with his hair before he sat on the bed. Hyungwon raked through it as he carefully sank to his knees and ignored the small wounds. Brown eyes met his gaze for a few seconds, fingers cupping his cheek, before lips instantly found his clothed thighs and mouthed along them towards his groin.

The sight took his breath away, the golden skin and the red rope tied around the other man's delicate neck, a collar with a leash, the thick lips that parted when he pulled and the dizziness that they both seemed to share because it felt so intense. "You're so pretty," he whispered and pulled strongly enough to make Hyungwon shift closer.

"Then have me," Hyungwon whispered back and lifted his gaze. Fingers travelled up to his cheek and traced the shape of his cheek bones. When their lips were only an inch or two apart, Hyungwon let his free hand roam over his naked chest, playing with his nipples.

_He's making you feel so much._

He flinched briefly and exhaled through his nose, before raking through the black hair and pulling on it too.

_Don't forget that he usually doesn't do things like this. He does it for you._

"Are you sure that I can have you?" he asked and traced the collar with his fingertips before stroking down the other man's lean stomach and playing with his pretty length.

Hyungwon gasped and pulled in his stomach in response, length twitching against his fingers right after. The other man was so sensitive that he didn't reply at first, trying to catch his breath and return his senses. Brown eyes met his when Hyungwon had composed himself enough to open them.

"Thinking… that I shouldn't isn't going to make me want it less."

_It doesn't work for you either. Maybe you’re not the only one who feels fake? Or you are because you hate yourself too fucking much?_

"Usually it works, but with you there's a bug in the system," he murmured and unbuttoned his chinos, slowly taking them off along with his underwear before he sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed the leash again, slowly pulling it more until Hyungwon's face was right in front of his. "And now kiss me."

He loved how Hyungwon's plump lips trembled despite the intense gaze in the big eyes. Even when the other man leaned in and clashed their mouths together, he could still feel the tremble. Hyungwon's hands seemed to be restless and scratched over his thighs before simply holding on tightly.

"It doesn't work because I'm not one of your puppies and never will be," Hyungwon gasped into the kiss and suddenly wrapped his arms around his neck again, as if he couldn't get enough and didn't want to let go. "Make me breathless again."

"You're not a puppy, you're a gorgeous kitten but such a good boy still," Hoseok whispered with a smile, making Hyungwon lay on his back and settling between his legs as he briefly played with his tip just for a tease before travelling lower, where he knew Hyungwon liked it the most. "Did you miss being touched by me?"

The way the plump lips pressed together was answer enough, eyes widening slightly and teeth abusing the inside of Hyungwon's cheek. It felt like an accomplishment to have that effect on the man lying in front of him and waiting for his touch, breathless and with goose bumps covering his whole body.

"Did you miss touching me?" the delicious mouth asked him instead of a reply.

_Pulling out confessions, huh?_

He chuckled cheerfully because the reply was so Hyungwon and it made him feel good.

_This is unreal._

"Mhm. I did. I thought about all those things you might like, I thought about your face when you sleep and how you look when I paint something scary and you meet my gaze standing outside in the garden, the satisfied smile when I eat what you cooked. And your face when I was inside you, when you enjoyed it so much that you didn’t pay attention to the sounds you made, to your motions, when you just… moved. It's so attractive and it’s insane that I’m thinking about it. I'm insane," Hoseok muttered as his lips placed warm kisses against the firm thighs before purposefully exhaling against the other man's entrance.

It was only a preview of what was to come, but still Hyungwon's whole body contracted and he was blessed with a gorgeous moan that echoed off the walls until Hyungwon muffled it by sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. Despite melting under each of his caresses, the other man fought to remain attentive and glance at him. "I thought about the way your words push me away, but your eyes pull me in."

_It's like a silent cry for help behind a glass wall nobody can hear or see because they only look at themselves in the reflection of your eyes and you’re that waste of air trying to make somebody hear you behind a closed fucking door. Nobody can hear you, Hoseok? Don’t you fucking get it?_

"Mhm. I'm ambivalent like that. The pushing won't stop. My mind has too much control and I let it because I like being in control, just you… keep silencing it down enough for me to only hear the sounds that you make." Hoseok inhaled deeply and pushed his tongue inside the tight body, pulling the leash enough for it to feel intense. “Although you’re not loud enough now.”

_You want to hear more of them._

It seemed like Hyungwon's awareness turned off that exact moment, a loud moan ripping from his throat and his whole body contracting in response. Hands reached aimlessly for something to hold onto and found the sheets above the black hair. Hyungwon threw one of his legs over his shoulder and encouraged him to continue, struggling to say his next words coherently.

"Good… that you don't want me to- to stop then."

_It's insane, but you don't. Because you’re selfish._

“I don’t, but you probably should,” he murmured, before pleasing the gorgeous man until he asked to finally take him, and he pulled the slim body on top of himself, rolling on a condom and staring into those big eyes when their bodies connected and one of those sounds that Hoseok considered the most stunning left the thick lips. He pulled the leash as soon as the other man clenched around him on purpose, thrusting into the motion, making Hyungwon’s eyes roll back and moan so loudly. He was able to let go so easily as if he didn’t even try not to.

_Why can’t you? Because you’re scared to say something? Because you are scared to admit that there is something, something you will have to give up eventually? That it’s fucking terrifying because you will be abandoned again._

“Please make me stop thinking,” he muttered and pulled on the leash to clash their lips together, to muffle the thoughts, to make Hyungwon moan louder and overshadow it.

The plump mouth met his kiss and seemed to mirror his desperation as hands roamed all over his body. Hyungwon played with his nipples, rolled them between his index finger and thumb and nibbled on the sensitive spots on his neck. The sudden awareness that seemed to be present overwhelmed him as the beautiful man took over and began to move his hips roughly, slamming them down and pairing it with fingers that pulled loud groans from his lips. When the dizziness caught up with him, Hyungwon kissed him, licking into his mouth and exhaling roughly into the space between them.

"Let go, Hoseok," the low voice muttered as another burst of pleasure filled him out and Hyungwon whimpered as he moved his hips.

_But how, if the only thing you know is to control your demons, lock yourself away and not allow anything or anybody to enter?_

“How does one let go?” he breathed out, before inhaling and holding the air in his lungs to control his arousal and be able to make Hyungwon come before he did. “How do you just relax your body and let it feel everything at once? Isn’t that scary?” Hoseok stroked over Hyungwon’s slightly moist skin, sweat collecting and running down the delicate neck, partially caught by the rope collar. “I only know how to make others feel safe, and only for a very limited time at that before we part. I don’t know what it means to feel safe.”

_You’re fucked up like that._

Hyungwon was breathless, but he slowed down the motions of his hips on top of him. Fingers travelled from his sensitive nipples to his cheek and brushed over it.

"I'm still new to this feeling, but maybe… I can show you," the other man whispered with a smile and leaned down to kiss him again. The touch was tender, only a brief brush of lips that gradually transformed into more. "Focus on the little things instead of your thoughts, on the sound of my voice, the way I speak each word, how it accompanies my fingers as they touch you."

Hoseok could feel the warm palm still cupping his face until it travelled back to his neck and fingers scratched over the sensitive area below his ear. When Hyungwon's right hand joined it seemed like those fingers were everywhere, roaming over his arms and chest and brushing over his nipples.

"How does it feel, describe it for me," Hyungwon murmured and placed kisses along his jaw at the same time before the other man began to roll his hips, slowly but in such a way that a spark of pleasure shot up Hoseok's spine each time.

He moaned, trying to come up with a thought that didn’t consist of his mind reminding him to hold onto the leash and make Hyungwon scream. “I- feel it, but I still think about making you scream. It feels like… like everything is happening behind a thick glass. It’s intense, but I know that it’s not the real feeling,” he whispered.

"Don't think about how you think it should be, but about how it is, Hoseok." Hyungwon licked over his nipples before blowing cool air over them, lips instantly attaching to the skin below right after. Throughout, the other man didn't stop moving his hips, rolling them in perfect circles that caused the lean thighs to tremble and made him twitch because of the sudden tightness around his length. "Think about the way I feel from the inside and not the way you're supposed to make me feel. I don't want you to make me scream, I want you to feel this."

“You feel hot and so tight. You move nicely too. Your hands feel warm and you smell and taste like the sea. I like it.” He exhaled, feeling nervous and pulled on the leash, making Hyungwon’s thighs flex and moaning because of how good it felt when the tightness increased around him. “Maybe I’m too used to puppies who do everything I say. You are a kitty, so you’re more dangerous. You don’t wag your tail and when you do it could literally mean anything.”

"Would you prefer it if I was a puppy?" Hyungwon breathed out against his nipple, before sitting back up and slamming his hips down. The loud gasp that followed told him how good it felt for the beautiful man.

Smirking and letting it turn into a full smile, he shook his head, pulling at the leash again and playing with it, letting the rope curl around his wrist. “No fucking way. You’re perfect. It’s me, who isn’t.”

_It’s because the sun is shining so brightly. It’s not dark, Hoseok._

Sighing, because it was to be expected that he would do something foolish when he started making decisions that were so unlike himself, he sat up and pulled Hyungwon so close that there was barely any light between their faces, that he could only see the brown eyes. He took the red leash and wrapped it around his own neck, connecting them and making sure that they were close enough. “I’m sorry, I- need to do it this way. Is it okay with you?”

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he felt big hands tighten around his arms, but the black-haired man didn't say anything at first and merely observed him.

"Tell me why," the low voice whispered eventually as Hyungwon carefully resumed his motions, trembling each time because of his sensitivity.

“Because it’s so bright and I can see all those things that are wrong with me in overwhelming clarity,” he murmured and pressed his forehead against Hyungwon’s slim chest.

"There's nothing wrong with you," the other man murmured and stroked up to his face, caressing his cheek and stroking over his eyes once. It felt strange because Hoseok knew the way Hyungwon spoke when he lied, and this wasn't it. He believed it. "I only wish I could wash off the paint that you are trying to see through, Hoseok."

_There is. There is so much wrong with you and still you like him too much._

“It’s permanent,” he murmured again, before lifting his gaze, trying to catch a hint of judgment in the big brown eyes, a smirk that would show that the other man was happy that he exposed his weaknesses, some of the things that had been torturing him for such a long time. His hands stroked up the slim arms, tracing the goose bumps and sinking into the black locks. Hyungwon looked so beautiful and somehow determined, lips trembling a little from the pleasure the other man was still feeling with each motion.

"It's not," Hyungwon breathed out before repeating the words, but louder. "It's not permanent, you only think it is because you feel unable to remove it. Don't you want to see more, more than just the cover? Or do you only want to see the cover that darkness draws on me?"

“It’s not true. I can see more when it’s dark because of me, not because of you. You go to the sea at night and I… go to the sea at night. Because the night won’t point a finger at me and expose all my weaknesses. You decide. You can have me like this, or I can stop.” He let his hands stroke down Hyungwon’s shoulders before they fell to the sheets.

"I go to the sea at night because I can be myself," Hyungwon answered softly before wrapping his slim arms around his neck and pressing their foreheads together.

Inhaling deeply, he felt the pressure in his lungs and swallowed, wrapping his arms around the slim waist, warm fingers touching the equally warm skin. “Can’t you just be yourself and… just let me hold you like this? And… hold me in return?”

He felt warm air tickle his lips as Hyungwon exhaled, humming softly.

"Of course, I already am, Hoseok."

He smiled because the words made him feel too much, feel too vulnerable, but at the same time, even though it was scary, it was also a bit less lonely.

“You say my name and... I love how it sounds,” he whispered.

***

_That article will be endless, huh._

Hyungwon sighed and glanced at his desk that was cluttered with notes about Ok Seho, Hoseok Lee. Hoseok.

_Notes that only include those two weeks you spent in Madrid with him and none of the thoughts and feelings he revealed to you in the past two days._

It was difficult to keep track of all the things that had happened and Hyungwon was grateful for his ability to memorise scenes like pictures in his mind, letting his eyes roam over what he had seen long after it was gone. Usually he used that ability to find hints and to check whether he had accidentally missed something, but somehow his mind was only using it to examine Hoseok's face for the past few hours.

_You've been lying here all this time, thinking about his face, about his need for darkness and about his request to hold him._

Hyungwon was doing all kinds of crazy things recently, allowing Hoseok to see his small apartment and presenting himself on a plate like a damn cheesecake.

_A kitten, huh._

But the more he thought about it, the less surprising it was. Most people had an agenda, personal interests that they pursued and that enabled them to think about themselves only, no matter who might get hurt in the end. Hyungwon understood it well because he himself was a person like that. But somehow Hoseok didn't fit that pattern, not in the slightest.

_There is nothing he is trying to gain, because he has no such desire._

Hoseok had a strong focus on himself, but not in a selfish, self-obsessed way. Rather the artist seemed to be preoccupied with his deficiencies, mistakes and unworthiness. Hyungwon had seen some of the demons that Hoseok had painted and none of them had given him reason to believe that Hoseok was in any way worthless or as terrible as he portrayed himself.

_Rather the opposite. You could see how much he has been hurt._

Even now Hyungwon didn't regret letting Hoseok into his apartment, into the only space that was holy to him, from the doorstep all the way across the room to the windows. It was dangerous, but just like all other cases in which he had ended up getting more involved than he planned on, he would simply have to grow from the experience somehow, bask in the emotions he would be able to feel. The intensity mattered no matter whether the actual feelings were positive or negative.

_You left your wallet for him to find you, but in the end he did it all by himself._

Hyungwon wondered how Hoseok had been able to tell which ID was the correct one, how the other man found him so easily and seemed to enjoy the space he lived in despite how cluttered with personal belongings and excerpts of his thoughts it was.

_When will you finally get him out of your mind? When you finish the article?_

It was a naive belief and at this point Hyungwon knew it. There was no way to believe that somebody he let into his real apartment and that he had sex with could be washed from his mind like shells off the beach.

_He's more like sand. You remove the first layer of it, but there is so much more that you end up sinking into it._

The strangest bit was that Hyungwon didn't feel scared or that he was in danger. Hoseok had that effect on him, he provided a feeling of safety and excitement that he was addicted to.

A glance at the clock revealed that it was seven o'clock in the evening and he had about an hour to get to the hotel Hoseok was staying at. It was just enough time.

_And you even have an excuse even though you couldn't care less about having one._

Hyungwon jumped off his bed that still smelled like a mixture of sea, Hoseok and their love-making. He managed to swallow down his reluctance by thinking of the fact that he was about to see the artist again and didn't need to smell sheets to remember his presence. Opening his wardrobe, he looked through his heaps of costumes and clothes and wondered if he would be able to pinpoint which clothes were really him and which were just a means to an end.

_Wasn't the white shirt and the grey jeans also a means to an end?_

He sighed and glanced at the red rope on his night table, still tied like a collar, but without being around his neck this time. Hyungwon briefly contemplated wearing it until he realised how fucking crazy that was and that he couldn't just play along and be a good puppy when he wasn't one.

_There's nothing tame about you._

Pulling out a red and black silk shirt and a red suit, Hyungwon grinned briefly because the shade was the same colour as the rope and the same hue as the scratches on his paintings.

_It must be the shade he loves and hates simultaneously._

Brushing through his hair once, he grabbed his keys and his phone and one of his replacement credit cards and got going. The way to Hoseok's hotel wasn't far and Hyungwon was grateful that he didn't meet Hyunwoo this time.

_You don't have the strength to play puppy right now._

Glancing at his watch as soon as he left the elevator on Hoseok's floor, Hyungwon felt satisfied with his planning as usual. He had eight minutes.

Knocking on the door, he listened for a sound behind it before leaning against the frame and waiting for Hoseok's handsome face to appear.

_You never know what you might be pulling him out of._

The door opened, but instead of seeing the other man, Hyungwon only heard his voice as he walked back into the spacious hotel room.

"We will need at least… Seven or eight rooms to fit everything, right? How many paintings are there? All in all, over a hundred, I think, but I won't be able to display them all, right? Thought I could recreate the gallery with about sixty of them." Hoseok was talking in his low voice as he entered the room, spotting the other man on the floor next to the bed as he was staring at a piece of paper between his legs on which he was sketching something with a black ink pen. "No wonder they threw me out of art school, I suck so much," the other man chuckled without turning to him.

_Recreate the gallery?_

"You don't," he murmured automatically, but he doubted that Hoseok was going to hear him. The other man must be preparing the exhibition Hyunwoo had told him about and Hyungwon couldn't help but wonder once again whether Hoseok was going to be there.

_'He cannot give you what you want.'_

Licking over his lips, he enjoyed the brightness of his suit and how even that wasn't enough to pull Hoseok's attention from the piece of paper. Hyungwon sat down next to the artist with his long legs arranged under him and glanced over Hoseok's shoulder. What he could see were many straight lines in different sizes and only after blinking could he tell that it must be the sea.

_He sketched the sea?_

"You don't sound like Hyunwoo," Hoseok whispered and his voice sounded like he was smiling. "He would've told me that the museum doesn't care how many rooms I need and that it doesn't matter whether I suck or not, as long as people want to see the outcome. You came to get your wallet? It's somewhere on the bed."

_Even though you don't need an excuse he provides it for you on a plate._

"I came for dinner," he replied and leaned back until he could rest his head on the mattress. "Uninvited."

_Is it so important that there is no excuse now? Is that why you emphasise it?_

"Dinner? That- what time is it? I have no idea and I'm sorry, but I don't have anything in the room apart from the stuff in the minibar. I think the restaurants should be open. You didn't come at midnight or something, right?"

_Good that you prepared. There is no way that he’s eaten yet._

Hyungwon couldn't help a smile as he hummed and glanced at the wrist watch he never wore "It should be eight in about six minutes."

"Ah." The other man nodded absentmindedly and turned to him, eyes briefly widening at his attire. "I didn't know that you like red, but it suits you."

_It suits that rope even more._

He kept that thought to himself though and merely undid the button of his suit jacket to sit more comfortably. "It's dinner, so I thought I should be dressed according to the occasion. You like it?"

"You look gorgeous. Maybe I should draw you and fuck up your perfect proportions," Hoseok commented, turned the page of his notepad and turned around, facing him, dark gaze travelling over his features before the pen moved on a blank sheet. “It’s something that I can do really well. Fucking up proportions.”

_Is he drawing you?_

Suddenly, Hyungwon felt out of breath and goose bumps spread over his whole body. He was thankful that the suit covered all of him and the artist couldn’t tell his reaction that easily. He brushed over his suit pants with his palms that felt sweaty somehow before fixing his hair and chewing on his cheek, suddenly overly conscious of what he was doing.

_Why was it easier back then? Because you were naked and there was nothing to hide?_

There had been something to hide when he stood naked in that studio and had ropes made of paint covering his skin, but nothing that Hoseok had immediate access to.

"Liar," he murmured eventually. "You're too good an artist to fuck up my proportions."

"You would be surprised. There's literally nothing I haven’t managed to fuck up yet, and proportions are definitely on that list." The black eyes lifted occasionally, gaze only lasting for a few moments as Hoseok continued putting black ink on the paper, lips lifting up in a barely recognizable smile. "Your features are so soft. Makes me want to stroke it on the paper with my fingertips, but that would just smear it."

_No, it wouldn’t._

"You're the first one who expressed it that way. Usually I'm told that I look feminine." Hyungwon smiled back and reached for Hoseok's free hand that he carefully placed on his cheek. "Does it also feel soft or only look like it?"

Hoseok flinched briefly, chewing on his lips and lifting the pen from the piece of paper. "You don't want me to draw you? Or do you want me to draw what I feel and not what I see?" the artist asked, shifting into a more comfortable position and gaze firmly focused on his face. "You don't look feminine, I think that description is wrong. It doesn't necessarily correspond with the characteristics it implies, so it's bullshit. Your nose, your jaw, they're round lines, soft, not pointy. Can a woman have soft features? Yes. Can a man have soft features? Yes. Can a child you don't know the sex or gender of have soft features? Definitely. So, they are just ignorant."

_You think so too._

"I like you," Hyungwon whispered without really meaning to. It was an immediate conclusion that his mind produced, so he said it. "But I'm also greedy. I want you to draw me, but it's also me who wants to feel your touch."

Instead of hearing Hoseok's reply, Hyungwon only heard a knock on the hotel room door.

_You already forgot even though that was the reason for coming._

"You should open the door," he commented. "Can't have dinner without the actual dinner."

"That's why I don't eat. Because I have other things to do that are more important. But you will get up if I don't, right?" Hoseok sighed and walked to the door to get the room service while he looked at the notebook with his face on it, stroked onto the paper in black ink and even though the lines were sketched quickly, he looked beautiful. Soft. With big eyes and a look that made him feel things.

_Is this what you look like to him? Your actual self?_

Hyungwon reached out and let his fingers hover above the lines, tracing them without touching because he didn't want to smear anything.

"Is this what I look like to you?" he asked when Hoseok accepted the rolling tray filled with the food Hyungwon ordered and closed the door.

"Do you know the difference between a drawing and a photograph?" the low voice asked as Hoseok left the tray next to the table and returned to his spot, picking up the notebook and his pen, ready to continue.

"A drawing depicts your interpretation? It's subjective because it's what you see?" he proposed and tried to stop fidgeting just because Hoseok's eyes were focused on him. He wanted to be still to make it easier, so he took a few deep breaths and relaxed.

Hoseok shook his head, smiling to himself as he continued drawing. "Hm. I'm not sure. What I know is that a photograph is a second, a moment that you capture. With a drawing you capture many, you capture the time and how the things that you see change, you might see more, or see them differently. So… you don't need to sit still, Hyungwon. It's perfect the way it is. Just be the way you are, it's enough for me."

_Shit._

Hyungwon had planned to remain still anyway and not show too many of those moments, of those developments that happened without him controlling them. He had been almost calm, hands resting on his thighs, but Hoseok's words had pulled him right out of it.

_Because he is so accepting, as if there is no need to build personalities around your own._

Hyungwon fumbled with his hands again and shifted to stretch out his legs instead of sitting on them. The suit had given him a burst of confidence when he put it on, like a mask one could hide behind. But just like the rope it felt like the mask listened to the artist in front of him, following his every word.

"But what if there isn't enough to see, Hoseok?"

A brief motion and the black eyes met his as the fancy pen lifted from the notebook for a moment. "You asked me a few hours ago about the way I felt when you touched me, told me to describe it, to let go. Now you tell me, what do you think it is that I see right now as I draw these lines? When I draw you. How do you feel?"

“Bare and true,” he whispered before swallowing once more. Hoseok’s gaze didn’t have that effect on him before, not when he was in Madrid and knew that whatever the other man was going to see of him wasn’t going to last or tell Hoseok anything beyond the two weeks that they spent together. But all that had changed now because they met once more, because Hoseok saw his home, saw him without any excuses, saw him in a red suit that those black eyes appeared to see right through. “I feel like you see _me_. And will soon find out that there is nothing to see."

"It’s a paradox. You can't see if there's nothing to see, Hyungwon. You think you're nothing? I think -" Hoseok stopped and tilted his head, looking right into his eyes, before the curved lips spread in a smile that felt as soft as a cloud. "I think that your opinion isn't very accurate because I've seen you so many times when you didn't know that I was watching, and you made me think that you're- special."

_Special?_

"Special enough to leave without a cover?" he murmured and glanced to the side, taking a deep breath to recover from the goose bumps and the sudden insecurity he didn't know how to handle. Hoseok was constantly being so tender with him, seeing him in a way that Hyungwon recognized on the sheet of paper but not in the mirror. "Don't say such things if you don't want me to appear at your doorstep."

“Don’t act as if anything I do influences your decision to appear at my doorstep.” Hoseok chuckled and continued drawing him, his features, the slim line of his neck. “You’re special because when you smile during the night you don’t do it because you need things. You didn’t make the food and then glance at me, making sure that I ate because you wanted my attention, or because you wanted to be drawn, you didn’t want to be ‘the special one’ who got into the heart of a weirdo. I still don’t know what you want from me. And to be drawn without a cover you need to become a nightmare, take a place in my gallery. All my paintings are all hanging without a cover in my gallery. The cover is for the people outside. Because ‘it’s scary and fucking disturbing’.”

_Because humans dislike seeing things that make them feel uncomfortable, but you need it._

"It's honest," Hyungwon remarked and finally looked back, feeling like he had gained the strength to do so. The other man's question kept echoing in his mind because he wasn't sure he had the answer to it. "You ask what I want from you? I… I don't know anymore, Hoseok."

“You don’t know? You’ve seen how I live - that I barely breathe, that all I do is repeatedly paint the bullshit that’s on my mind, that every painting is like a rotten limb, but I try to grow those stupid limbs and if the demons would at least disappear from my mind, I would find some peace, but they don’t, so I cover everything in the documentary of my rottenness but... you aren’t stupid, so you probably don’t expect anything from me, right? Isn’t it awesome? Look at us now: I didn’t expect to eat, and you called and got me dinner. You didn’t expect to have a famous artist who’s a lonely, rotten piece of shit to draw a portrait of you with a cheap fountain pen, but here I am. It’s a win-win and for being a blank, empty canvas you sure are shining.” Hoseok smiled to himself again as the other man lifted his gaze, dark eyes roaming his face before there was a sigh of resignation. “I suck at this, so I taught myself that fixing only makes it worse and that it can never be perfect because the problem is not the picture. It’s me.”

_He hates himself so much even though you cannot find a single reason for him to do so. Is there even more that you are missing? Something that you don’t know, but that could change everything?_

He couldn’t believe that.

“Is that what you really think?” Hyungwon asked and shifted a little closer, finally daring to move after wiping his hands on his suit pants and feeling like he was in control of his own words and actions once again. It was harder to be somebody else next to Hoseok and he didn’t know why. “I agree that the picture isn’t the problem, but I also don’t think that the problem lies in you. It lies in your judgement, in the way you think about it. Your judgement is not what makes you who you are. A lot of things are involved in that, among them your actions.”

_But you don’t really want his actions to change, do you?_

“I see you are a bit like other people, I must have missed that somehow. ‘It must be your attitude, Hoseok, you should change it. Just do what they tell you to, why is it so hard? It can’t be that hard can it? Why can’t you just start, why can’t you just stop?’ and ‘Don’t push people away, they just want to help you. Why can’t you just show that you care, that’s so easy. If you continue to be so arrogant you will die alone.’ Must have missed that it’s an okayish thing to look forward to. But, oh well. People mostly want to help themselves to feel less discomfort from dealing with me. I’m not judging them. I’m being understanding.”

_Somehow pretending never gets you anywhere with him, does it?_

He sighed and leaned back against the bed, hair spreading out on the mattress as he stared at the ceiling and thought about why he kept telling Hoseok the truth if there was nothing to gain from it. Nothing that he could justify with his work anymore.

“I said what I thought anybody else would have said.” Licking over his lips, he played with the fabric of his clothes and hoped that Hoseok wasn’t going to add this moment to his drawing, pulling out his genuine thoughts without even trying and eternalizing them on the paper. “I’m strange, I enjoy the discomfort, the way your art makes me feel, the things that are hidden below the covers. They get to me, but not in the way you might think.”

_It must be scary, meeting somebody who enjoys seeing your misery._

“There are quite a few people like that, even though they mostly just live in their imagination because they don’t know me, they don’t know a single thing about me. You know, I saw this elderly couple in Prado once, standing in front of 11.03 and the woman leaned against her partner’s shoulder and had this look of pity on her face. That one where the pity comes from internal comparison. Oh, that person has a shit life and I don’t. Aw.”

_But you don’t think like that, do you?_

“I don’t compare you with myself in the hope to feel better about my own life. I like my life the way it is and do not need anybody’s misery to make it seem better. It’s- I don’t even know how to explain it. It makes me feel something I seem to miss, even if you appear like you don’t want it.” Hyungwon kept staring at the ceiling as he spoke, fingers of his left hand travelling from his pants, over the floor towards Hoseok’s thigh. He placed it on top, hoping that it was okay. “When you said that I am an empty canvas, I have never heard anything that fits the feeling so perfectly. Like a shell that you hold to your ear, thinking you hear the waves, but actually it is empty, and it is only your blood rushing through your body that it reflects. Only that I can’t even get it to rush unless I do crazy shit.”

“First of all, even emptiness has a characteristic. It can be filled, it can reflect, and it can alternate sound, just because you don’t see anything, doesn’t mean that it’s empty. I told you, I don’t think you are empty, you are simply not as full of shit, which is a good thing.” Hoseok chuckled and he could feel warm fingers on top of his hand, softly stroking over each knuckle. “People I’ve met before and had… more intimate relationships with had one thing in common. They were so sure that they knew better what I needed, what I wanted, what I needed to do to make myself feel better, until I realized that it was for them, not for me. It’s okay to not be happy and I am satisfied if I can breathe without it hurting but being around a ‘blank canvas’ that doesn’t try drawing a better version of you, holding it in front of your face every fucking time you open your eyes is indeed… refreshing somehow. That’s not all but... I’m not going to tell you more.”

_They wanted to change him, didn’t they?_

“You don’t have to,” Hyungwon replied and surprised himself, going against everything he had been doing for the past month and more. He had wanted to know it all, to get to the depths of what Hoseok thought, be it about him or about something else. But somehow the words were still true. Hoseok didn’t have to, because Hyungwon didn’t need him to. He didn’t know what it was that he needed anymore. “There is only one thing that I know for sure you need.”

Standing up, he regretted removing his hand from Hoseok thigh, but he had still come for a reason, even if he kept forgetting about it. He made his way towards the tray of food and arranged some of the meat and vegetables on two plates, purposefully covering Hoseok’s more than his own. Slipping a knife and fork each between his fingers, he balanced the two plates on his palms and made his way back to Hoseok, sitting down next to him. “You need food.”

“Do I?” For the first time since he arrived, he recognized that Hoseok was wearing his usual dark sweatshirt and linen pants. Sighing, the blonde man returned his gaze to the drawing that looked so much like him in a way he couldn’t explain. It wasn’t the similarity of features that Hoseok managed to catch. A simple photograph did too, but it was not the same. “I guess I’m done. I’m sorry for not doing you justice, but I never tried to, so… should I draw some kitty ears?”

Hyungwon chuckled at that, wondering if Hoseok was trying to remove some of the tension, maybe even the wonder that was on his face.

"Sure," he commented as he grabbed Hoseok's fork and pushed it into a chunk of meat that he lifted to the other man's curved lips. "You might not be able to tell, but I have never seen anything that looks as much like me as this drawing. The… real me."

“You put a lot of effort into being somebody else. I think it’s remarkable. I was trying so hard to fit in most of my life and it was so tiring, sometimes I'd come home and just take a fork and scratch away at the color on the canvasses for hours to stop thinking, to not control my face, the way I flinch, how I look at people because they don’t like the way I observe if I really want to see, that I stare. And you are assimilating so often. Are you tired too?” Hoseok asked and leaned forward before winking at him to act as if he didn’t just share a very personal thought with him before closing his lips round the fork.

_How can you be tired if this is what you live for?_

"It gives me what I lack, excitement. Sometimes at least." He shifted a little closer and filled the fork once again as he talked. "I've seen you at home and I've seen you at the museum. Being in Barcelona must be exhausting, but still you came. I'm thankful."

“It’s like a brief holiday. Something I haven’t done in a while. It was exhausting at home because I lost count of the time and I had no idea what day it was and where my phone was or if I accidentally died, but the wooden floor was warm, so I knew that I hadn’t. Anyways, I can’t die before I get all those paintings to the European museum somehow and find some way to compensate Hyunwoo for everything that he has done for me.” Taking another piece, Hoseok took the fork away and held it in front of his mouth, black eyes looking as if they didn’t accept any resistance. “Don’t be thankful, Hyungwon.”

“You can’t die,” he murmured quietly and closed his mouth around the mixture of vegetables and meat. He chewed it briefly before swallowing it down and wrapping his fingers around Hoseok’s wrist carefully, leading it to grab another fork full and hopefully eat it himself. “I’m selfish and don’t want you to. I want to see more of your art.”

_And him, you want to see more of him, but not because you need to write about it._

A glance to the side showed a smile on Hoseok’s handsome face, blonde bangs hiding the dark gaze from his eyes and making the artist look soft too. “I’m a tiny bit fake, you know? I always talk about how I could accidentally die, but I’m too cowardly to die. What if I end up in one of my pictures, or in front of the ones in the gallery? Without the opportunity to leave ever. So, yeah, living hurts, but it must not hurt enough, I guess, so I just keep talking and actually manage to drink that water and eat that meat and call you a good boy, even though you’re a kitty and you don’t give a shit about being a good boy or whatever.”

Hyungwon hummed, listening intently and wondering what Hoseok meant by his fear of appearing in front of the gallery without a way out. He felt like he understood what the gallery might be even if he couldn’t imagine it, not if it was something that the artist was so afraid of that ending up there was his only reason to try to stay alive.

“Hoseok, is there anything that ever makes you feel good?” he asked and shifted even closer, making their thighs brush and reminding him that he disliked the fabric they wore. It kept him from feeling the warm skin the way he wanted to. His free hand ended up on Hoseok’s thigh and he took a piece of meat himself this time, eating it slowly and hoping for Hoseok to do the same. “For me there are a few things. The sea does, standing on the sand at night and letting the water brush over my naked feet occasionally. Also, being underwater with no sound but the rushing of blood in my ears, like with the shell. Excitement does too, being in danger but not really. How about you?”

“Ropes and the moon when it paints everything grey, because grey is my favourite colour. Not black enough to die, not white enough to live, it’s something in between. A raincloud, pavement, a pebble,” the low voice murmured in reply and Hoseok only stared at the plate without making any attempts at eating. “And there is this moment of a manifestation of a lie. When you think ‘when I do this, when I have this, when I reach that, I will be happy’. That moment makes you look forward to something until you remember that none of it ever managed to make you happy before and probably won’t make you happy either because there’s simply no happiness for me.” Hoseok turned around and looked at him before continuing. “But it must be so nice to live next to something that makes you happy. You said you have no friends, but you don’t need any, if you have the sea, right?”

_But that’s not the same, is it?_

“I think accepting that you cannot have something and not needing it are very different things,” Hyungwon replied eventually and wondered if it was true that there was nothing that could make the other man happy or if he only saw it that way. “I have seen you smile before. It’s beautiful. Don’t you feel happy, or at least at ease when you smile?”

“I was forced to smile when I was younger, so it’s hard for me, but sometimes I still do when I’m amused, when I find something interesting or connect thoughts in my head, or if I’m wondering how I could end up so fucked up then I smile or giggle too. But listening to the way you said it, it sounds like you want to have friends. Or it's an excuse why you don’t have any.”

_Is it an excuse?_

Hoseok placed his fork on the plate and refrained from touching the rest of the food. It looked as if the other man was staring at the floor, before the black eyes met his. “It’s such a strange thought that there is a person somewhere in another city, who you don’t really know and who doesn’t really know you either, but they know that you don’t eat and are shit at drinking too, that you like wearing black linen clothes and being locked inside a gallery inside your mind, the gallery they know is scary and that you still prefer being locked in there. A person who likes the disturbing, rotten shit that you paint, who watched you at night from behind the glass, who touched you even though you told him not to and who made you flinch because you liked it. Wow…” Hoseok whispered. “I really... don’t like how that sounds.”

Hyungwon swallowed, suddenly much more aware of the things that he had done, of the way they must have affected Hoseok and in the end, the way they had affected him.

_You couldn’t think about anything else for a month. You couldn’t put any of it into words even though that is what you do best apart from pretending to be somebody else._

“I’ve never had anybody occupy my mind the way you do,” he murmured, unable to say more because it felt like saying it made it worse. Hyungwon didn’t know if he liked the way it sounded, how intimate and meaningful it sounded instead of a brief encounter that both of them were going to forget as soon as it was over.

_It’s already more than one brief encounter. You end up in front of his door again, and again._

“Why do you need to get your paintings to the European museum?” he asked eventually, feeling like it was a safer topic than any of the thoughts inside his head. He grabbed Hoseok’s fork and filled it again, leading it to the other man’s lips in the hope that he would eat.

Hoseok didn’t listen. Of course, he didn’t. The warm lips came closer and the warm air that left the other man’s curved mouth danced along his own, dissipating between them, between the little space as Hoseok decided that it wasn’t close enough and kissed him, slowly and soft like a cloud filled with warm summer rain. “I’m going to show you my gallery,” the low voice replied, and the curved lips caught his own again.

Hyungwon dropped the fork, hearing it hit the floor and bounce a bit further as he simply wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck, slowly to be able to trace the shape of his shoulders and feel the texture of his blonde hair. “Why?” he breathed against the curved mouth.

Hoseok didn't stop and only briefly, when the other man leaned back to inhale deeply, he murmured, "because I'm too scared to open the door to my mind, but I will bring all the paintings here, arrange them and recreate the gallery, so you can see it."

_So, you can see it._

Hyungwon didn’t know what to say, how to put any of the mess inside his mind and chest into words. It wasn’t like him, but he couldn’t do it. Being close to another human could be magical, could result in sacrifices and grand gestures to impress, but this was none of those things. This was-

_Vulnerability on a plate, even though he is so scared of being hurt._

“Will you be there?” he whispered instead of warning Hoseok to not show him too much, to not let himself be hurt by a wrong action of his, a wrong word. Hyungwon couldn’t be sure what was right anymore, he couldn’t tell, and he didn’t know how to keep himself from making a mistake now that it mattered. “I want you to be there so badly.”

Hoseok nodded, lips still searching for his and catching his every exhale, letting him touch the warm skin, slip under the fabric of those stupid long sleeve shirts that the artist loved to wear. "Of course, I will. There's no gallery without me," Hoseok breathed out. "It's me."

“I’ll- I’ll treasure it,” he managed to mutter before their lips met again and he leaned back against the bed, taking Hoseok along and unwilling to break the kiss. He roamed over the beautiful body, pulled Hoseok’s shirt up until he was able to use a second during which their lips separated to pull it over his head. “I promise, Hoseok.”

"It's not a treasure, nobody ever wanted to see it. That's why it's just an opportunity for you to see if you're still interested… by then."

Their voices were breathy whispers that echoed in the spacious room and they both forgot about the food, about the fact that they weren't supposed to meet again, haven't been searching for anything or anybody. The sun was already setting, turning the room darker and darker but both of them couldn’t care less, because that something that they had never been searching for had found them instead.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 10**

Silver shadows settled on the usually sandy skin of the man who was sleeping next to him, making him look like a sculpture. A work of art not meant to be touched by him or anybody else. Off limits.

_Unreal._

Hoseok wasn’t sure whether he had the same thoughts last time they had slept next to each other but looking at the calm features right at that moment made those thoughts seem true. Maybe it was because it was the break of dawn, those few minutes before the darkness turned to light. He couldn't remember for certain, but it seemed as if he had considered it his favourite and his least favourite time from a very young age. When he was a child, he kept wondering what the truth was. Was it the bright sun that gave everything colour, painted it so prettily and if you stared at it for too long your eyes started hurting. Wasn’t it because it was a deception? Why would your eyes hurt if it was reality, right?

_Truth hurts, but not like that._

On the other hand, when the sun disappeared, there was the night. Dark, but not as dark as one might think, stars and the moon accompanied the lack of brightness and turned it into a tender silver that looked so much more delicate, fragile and sad. So much more like the truth, at least that’s what he thought.

_Your most personal paintings, the rawest ones, you drew them all at night. Hyungwon hasn’t seen most of them because he was sleeping and when he woke up there was already a cover on it, ready to face the sun and be turned into something better than it actually was._

Glancing out of the big window, he counted the stars that were visible and smiled because he knew that they had been there all this time, only invisible to the eye because the sun was blinding with its brightness.

_It’s like him. He thinks that he is empty, but it’s just too bright outside to see clearly. The red suit, he needed to take it off for you to see._

Hoseok tilted his head and observed Hyungwon’s waistline, remembering the way they had kissed a few hours ago, unable to let go of each other, unable to say anything or to share what they thought, peeling those bright clothes off the other man, eyes widening at the gorgeous body that lay in front of him on the ridiculously white hotel sheets, open and vulnerable for him to see.

_You wanted to touch him, and you loved every second of those long fingers wrapping around your arm, your neck, sinking into your hair, touching you and making you moan._

Hoseok licked his lips as he shifted closer to be able to clearly see every single twitch of the plump lips as Hyungwon hummed in his sleep so cutely, pouting as his eyebrows furrowed.

_You’re being ridiculous._

Reaching out, he stroked over the pout gently before the tense features relaxed again and it finally appeared, the smile that he loved, that made him feel good.

_You didn't tell him the truth. Not all of it._

He could still hear the low voice asking him whether there was something that made him feel good. He talked about ropes and the moon, about the colour grey, but he didn’t mention the smile because it was the most important one. It made him feel so good that he was shocked when he came to realise that he was physically able to feel that way.

Hoseok knew that he was fucked up in many ways, that he couldn’t make other people happy and could never become happy himself. He also knew that there was no point in hoping for anything, in trying to give himself anything he didn’t deserve in the first place. He had no way to appreciate, to be enough, to give anything back in return for feeling that way, so he should’ve just… stopped, but could he?

_You are with him right now, even though you know that you have ten minutes to get dressed and leave. You know that you won’t be able to say goodbye to him because his eyes are so filled with colour when you speak your thoughts and you can’t bring yourself to say anything that normal people would say either. You are so fucking scared of being abandoned that you leave first. You always leave because you can’t take being left. You can’t._

Inhaling sharply, because that specific thought triggered a whole flood of them, reminding him that the voice inside his head was always right, because it had been the only thing remaining after the people that had meant something to him left. His voice, the one that told him he wasn’t worthy of anything, a waste of air, a simple bother to the system, a talentless, lazy asshole who couldn’t take care of people that mattered to him, whispering that everyone else is better at living, that voice has been the only thing that had never abandoned him. Ever.

_That’s why you can only trust it. You can’t trust anybody else, Hoseok._

Humming to himself, he reached out again, stroking over Hyungwon’s features and biting his lip because he didn't want to go anywhere. He didn’t want to leave for Madrid, go back to his house even though it was a safe space and had his paints and canvases. He wanted to stay here, next to the body painted in silver shadows with a hint of gold shimmering through, because somehow Hyungwon managed to shine.

_It’s time to leave, Hoseok._

He carefully slipped from the bed and put on his clothes, before collecting his belongings and stuffing them back into his bag that he simply threw over his shoulder, glancing at the phone.

He hated appointments.

_You need to leave, but this won’t leave you, will it?_

Hoseok wondered whether the night was the truth, showing him how much he enjoyed being next to the man that was sleeping soundly, wrapping both arms around the thin blanket as a substitute for him. A case where the substitute was better than the original.

He bit on his lip so hard that it hurt, maybe he was dehydrated and maybe he didn’t eat enough or ate too much, he couldn’t remember. The only thing that mattered was that he had allowed himself one last gaze, one single gaze and even in the deepest night, just as the darkness turned into dawn, the person lying on the big bed shifted briefly and a soft, calm smile spread those thick lips, connecting the night to the day in a magical spell.

_

The highway was still empty as nobody wanted to go to Madrid at five in the morning, and after a few hours of driving, Hyunwoo cheered up a bit about waking up so early. As usual, they drove pretty fast and without talking. He was thankful because there was nothing he could’ve said. Nothing that could explain the void in his mind, the flat breathing and that he couldn’t remember a single thing that he had seen on the road, thoughts eternally caught between the night and the day, stuck to the smile that he had seen as the last thing before he left the room, just like he always did. To not give anybody the opportunity to hurt him. That was such a bullshit thing to think considering the pain in his chest.

_Because you can hurt yourself so well and in the end, you keep being the one who’s at fault._

Hoseok thought that he deserved the pain, deserved all of it, but at the same time he just wanted it to stop.

Hyungwon has been determined and annoying, asking a thousand questions and never listening to him if he asked for peace, to leave him alone, to stop taking care of him, but he never tried to become close. Close enough to know when there was so much more going on in those eyes even though the plump lips only whispered something seemingly meaningless. Hoseok could still reconstruct every line on the drawing that he left on the night table. He signed it with Hoseok Lee, like back in art school, like it had nothing to do with his paintings or his gallery.

_It sucked, but he still liked it so much._

“Almost there,” Hyunwoo commented suddenly, ripping him out of his train of thought. Usually he would be silently grateful because in most cases it was his inner voice and the picture of regret that he was observing, unable to leave and was thankful for every distraction, but this time he was a bit annoyed.

“Oh, I didn’t realize. We made good time.” As usual, Hoseok was shit at taking care of the people he liked. Hyunwoo had been driving since Barcelona without a single break and without saying a single word and the only thing he could say is that he didn’t realize while being annoyed. Fuck. “Are you tired?”

“No, I'm fine, actually. I was a bit tired when we got going, but now I’m super fit and looking forward to all that cash that we are going to get because those people will run to the museum when you bring your ‘Gallery’ there.” Grinning, his friend turned into his street and he finally managed to recognize the houses and the few big trees that he liked. He wondered whether the black crow would come back even though he again left it for days.

_You keep ditching it. It won’t return at some point, Hoseok. You know exactly how that works. You need to put in effort every time, for a long time. You can’t even do it for a fucking bird, how can you do it for anybody else?_

He sighed, looking outside, cheek pressed against the glass.

“Uhm- I wanted to say something briefly because it’s been bothering me since we met Hyungwon in Barcelona. I mean- I am not in any way qualified to say anything about your partners and that’s not the point either. I’m just a bit nervous because a famous art magazine announced a big ground-breaking article about a ‘modern artist nobody knows’ and I was freaking out.” Hyunwoo was staring straight ahead and the other man’s body language showed that he indeed seemed nervous. It didn’t happen often.

_Maybe because he knows that you will stop as soon as people know. But it's been so long, there's no way._

“Huh? But you know that I don’t give any interviews and I literally don’t meet any people. The puppies are blindfolded and tied up, there’s no way they can come into my studio, so… don’t worry. It’s super unlikely, I’m careful and you know it!” He smiled and patted Hyunwoo’s shoulder, returning his gaze to the outside, just as they stopped in front of his house. As usual there wasn’t a lot of post or anything suspicious, so his friend must’ve been a bit paranoid.

“You’re not doing any interviews, I know, but… I mean, he asked me so many things about you. It's just… You probably know that Hyungwon is a reporter and he writes stuff like that, right? He even worked for that magazine once, I looked it up… so. Please be careful.”

_A reporter…?_

Hoseok stopped breathing before his body forced him to continue, but it felt as if something had just died inside him even though he was so sure that there was nothing left alive in the first place.

It was a strange feeling of being in a place he didn't know, didn't feel anything in and couldn't control. Scary and alien. He suddenly remembered questions that the low voice asked and that made him feel like the other man might have been genuinely interested in him and not in what was surrounding him.

_How can you be so fucking stupid? Even you. Even if you had nothing left to think with, how could you ever think that he could be interested in you? Even if there was no way he could know, still._

The fragments of his name that he had seen written in open notebooks lying at Hyungwon’s cluttered place and felt appreciated by, words in messy handwriting that he had used to characterize his works slowly manifested in his mind and it was so clear and bright that he wanted to scream for it to stop. His hands were shaking, his lungs burned, and he had been so sure that he would never have to feel such pain again, but here he was, again, feeling the same thing all over again, again because he was… Hoseok. Because he couldn’t change, making the same mistake, having trust issues, letting them eat him alive before simply fooling himself in the worst possible way. Why would anybody get their hopes up if they are supposed to be crushed in the first place? Why was he so eager to have somebody scratch on that door of his? Because he felt lonely and thought that now, even though he had to leave, there was one single person who knew how he looked when he felt genuinely good? That one time when Hyungwon woke up in the night and caught him observing the gorgeous smile, was that worth it? Was it worth it if it meant nothing? If it was a means to an end.

_How can somebody who just wants an article…_

It was futile. Hyungwon was a reporter. Somebody who came to his studio, to his house to collect information. Collect information to make people see, even though…

_Even though you shared with him that you would stop drawing, that you wouldn’t know what you would do if you couldn’t draw anymore. He doesn't know everything, but what he knows is enough. He knows it and still, he…_

He gasped before grabbing his bag from under his feet and opened the door. He couldn’t be feeling like this in front of another person. He couldn’t.

Hyunwoo stepped out too, watching him stumble towards the door. “Listen I’m not saying to not meet him or anything, I’m just saying to be extra careful because I know that you have a lot to lose,” his friend commented loud enough for him to hear.

“I don’t,” he whispered back and closed the door.

***

Bright light, the scent of paint and flowers, an empty bed. Hyungwon should have been used to it by now, but still he found himself opening his eyes and glancing at the vacant spot beside him. There wasn’t a single time that he woke up and saw Hoseok’s face, none apart from when he woke up in the middle of the night and saw that expression on the artist’s face, the one that made him feel so much at once.

_Maybe it’s not meant to be._

He chuckled to himself and sat up, leaning against the headrest of the bed and enjoying the fact that the hotel room had air conditioning for a few moments longer. Maybe he also hoped that Hoseok was going to return, make his way back to the hotel bed or reappear from the spacious bathroom with wet hair. But none of these things were going to happen.

_You’re too attentive to deceive yourself._

The missing black bag that Hyungwon had stolen the piece of rope from was the first thing he noticed, so there was no way that Hoseok was going to return. The artist had left and must be back in Madrid already, back where he belonged, at the spacious house with nothing but glass walls, canvases and surrounded by forest.

When he caught himself missing it, missing an existence in the middle of nowhere, Hyungwon brushed through his long, messy hair and laughed at his unrealistic thoughts. Living like that couldn’t be for him, not with his need to discover, his need for information and mysteries that were only waiting to be solved. There wasn’t a single day that he didn’t leave the house, not even one.

_Apart from when you were with him for two weeks. And the time that you stared at those written pages and tried to make sense of them._

_Apart from when it was about him._

Hyungwon still hadn’t figured it out, not even after seeing new works of art and having Hoseok in his arms. All of these things hadn’t been enough and even if they were none of them were fit for the written word. It was true that what he found out solved the mystery, something that excited him and should be used to finish his article that was going to help him get it out of his system. But this time it was different.

_Writing it won’t help you get it out of your system._

It was something intimate that Hoseok had shown him. To Hyungwon, to his real self and not the person that searched for excitement to reveal it to the world.

_It’s not meant to be shared, it’s yours._

He swallowed, scared by what that meant. Having knowledge that was only his to have, a treasure that he wrapped his fingers around and made sure not to let slip through the spaces in between. Hyungwon rarely felt that way about something he discovered and the times that he did, could mean only one thing.

_You care, he got you to care about him._

Saying that Hoseok ‘got him to care’ was unfair towards the artist, as if the blonde man had put in effort to wrap Hyungwon around his fingers, to pull something out of him that nobody else dared to, but that wasn’t it. It wasn’t and that’s what scared him the most. There was nobody to blame, not Hoseok and not even himself.

_It happened and now you have to deal with it once again because there is nothing you can do._

His fingers trembled, and he stared at them for a few seconds to make them stop, imagining that they belonged to somebody else, another identity of his that was going to get ready and walk out of this room full of confidence about where he was going and what he was going to do.

_This will make you feel again._

Hyungwon smiled and brushed through his hair one more time before jumping off the bed and getting ready to leave. He kept his thoughts to a minimum, merely moving through the important steps of brushing his teeth, taking a shower, putting on his red suit that provided the perfect cover and making his way out of the hotel room. He knew what his behaviour meant, what it meant for him to show his true self to another person, to spend all his available time with them, to show them his apartment and to have sex with them simply because he couldn’t keep his hands away.

_You know what it means, but you won’t do anything about it._

Hyungwon was going to deal with his feelings the same way he had for the past few years. He was going to go home, rip all his notes into tiny little pieces and keep them secure inside his own head, treasuring them in a way nobody else could access them. He was going to send Carla another article he had, something just as newsworthy for her, but meaningless for him. He was going to erase everything that would be significant to anyone else while keeping tiny reminders that would burn just right. He would keep the painting on the wall, the smaller canvas on his night table and he was going to look at them each time he found himself thinking of Hoseok. He was going to keep that feeling, that hint of loneliness he rarely felt and the yearning he felt even now as he left the hotel building and took a cab close to his apartment.

_You are going to live off it greedily until the day it fades, and you become your true self again._

An empty canvas.

_

“Holy shit, Alex!” Carla cursed out loud before quieting down as some of the other employees were close enough to hear and gave her either a glance of disdain or amusement. The establishment was far too prestigious to allow for careless cursing and Hyungwon couldn’t give less of a shit. His contact at ‘Tendencias del Mercado del Arte’ was fascinated by the material he provided and as usual he had to choose between coming in person or risking sending the article and the additional information via post.

_This way you can get even more information as usual, like taking a glance at some of those screens they are furiously typing at._

He grinned and leaned back in his chair, satisfied that his mostly improvised replacement article was fascinating enough for Carla to forget everything about the fact that he planned on providing her with information on Ok Seho at first.

_But that is all yours._

“How did you even get all this?” she asked in wonder and licked her thumb before flipping through the pages quickly and trying to take in as much as possible with the few milliseconds she gave herself per page. “Nobody else provides stuff like this and you don’t even work for us.”

_Because this is merely your hobby._

“I have my methods,” he remarked and enjoyed the hot cup of coffee he was blessed with. One of the benefits of providing his articles and information in person along with seeing the pure wonder on Carla’s face.

“I sure would love to know those,” she murmured before slipping him the agreed sum in cash in an envelope, the way he preferred it. Hyungwon liked to keep things personal and at the same time untraceable.

_One might think you like to play it safe, but the times you play with danger don’t really correspond to that image, do they?_

He grinned again and kept up with his role of a careless young man who enjoyed writing articles about hidden secrets in the arts. Stuffing the envelope into his hoodie pocket, he brushed through his purposefully messy hair and was just about to leave when Carla cleared her throat and put the stack of papers down.

"Wait a moment," she muttered and opened a drawer in her desk out of which he removed another envelope. At first Hyungwon thought she was giving him a bonus, but the place was too stingy for bonuses when it came to freelancers, so he ditched that hypothesis as quickly as it appeared.

"A letter came for you, just saying your name but without a return address or any other information. We thought it might be fan mail considering the stuff you find out. It's up to you to read, I guess." Some of the tension disappeared from Carla's shoulders as soon as she handed him the envelope and Hyungwon wondered why she was so relieved to get rid of it.

_Doesn't look like fan mail._

He grinned again to keep up his image of somebody who knew nothing but articles about art and made his way out of the building. Once he was in one of his favourite narrow alleys, Hyungwon pulled the letter out of the hoodie pocket he stuffed it into and examined the writing of his alias. There was no real address, as if the letter had been thrown into the post-box of the magazine without being delivered by the post office. His name was written in an almost black red and seemed to have been soaked up by the fabric.

_Is this what you think it is?_

Hyungwon walked a little faster, eager to get home and opened the letter in the meantime. Somebody had written it with the same type of ink as his name on the envelope and the message was clear as day.

_Dramatic._

It wasn't the first time that Hyungwon received threats via mail, but it was the first time he got it through his hobby writing activity, from his contact at an art magazine. Somebody must have put in a lot of effort into finding him and he gave them the honour of reading their bunch of empty threats.

_You're too fucking careful to be frightened by this shit._

In addition, he needed the adrenaline too much to be frightened by a death threat. He wouldn't be doing what he was if a few red letters on white paper had much of an impact on him.

Reaching his apartment building, he hurried up the stairs and opened the door before looking for his spray can of hydrogen peroxide. Once he found it below a bunch of costumes, he sprayed it on the red writing and watched it fizzle.

_Blood, huh?_

That was overly dramatic, and he sighed before throwing the letter into the bin next to his desk. The sudden vibrating of one of his phones shocked him much more than that.

_Now figure out which one it is._

He groaned and fumbled with the devices in his drawer until he identified an older, red model that lit up with the name 'bar owner Hyunwoo'.

_Huh?_

Hyungwon grabbed the device and held it to his ear, wondering what reason Hyunwoo had to call him.

"Hello there," he answered cheerfully and threw himself on the bed, eyes focused on the painting above it.

_Is it about Hoseok?_

"Oh, hey, Hyungwon. I've tried to reach you for a few days already, but you must be busy. Did you by chance talk to Hoseok during the past few days?" There was a moment of silence before Hyunwoo continued. "So, here's the thing, he doesn't answer his phone and he doesn't open the door either and it's nothing unusual, but I have the feeling that it has something to do with my warning, that's why I'm calling you. He was acting weird."

"Oh," Hyungwon replied, sounding surprised but ignorant because he was supposed to be a puppy while furiously trying to make sense of what the other man was talking about. There was no answer without asking for it and Hyungwon knew that he had to play this right. "We actually don't talk all that much, but what warning are you talking about?"

_It's true though, you never talk, you only think about him while staring at his art._

"Oh…," the other man hummed and couldn't hide his disappointment. "I just told him that you're a reporter, but I mean, he probably knows that, just that my friend from a big art magazine told me that they would get an important article and I just know how much it means to Hoseok to keep everything anonymous, so I warned him to not get too close to you. I mean, you probably don't want to have your work intertwine with your personal business either, but now… Anyways, if you didn't hear from him, then I'll try to come up with something else."

_A reporter._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he almost dropped the phone he was holding in his attempt to hold onto the thin strands of control over the person he was supposed to be playing.

_You're such an idiot. Why didn’t you anticipate this?_

He should have known, should have prepared for this and changed the storyline as soon as he recognised Hyunwoo.

_But you were too occupied with finding a way to know more about him, to get even closer._

It was only a matter of time before Hyunwoo talked to Hoseok about him, about who he believed Hyungwon was.

_A gossip reporter and nothing else._

Hyungwon needed to find an explanation, anything that could solve the mistake that he had made, but it seemed too late. All the strings had been pulled from his hands and he was left with the knowledge that Hoseok thought of him as a reporter, somebody who planned to reveal his life to the world.

_But you did, you fucking did._

Things changed, but nobody knew that, nobody but him.

"Ah, and Hyungwon?" the low voice distracted him for a brief moment, returning the attention to the call. He hummed because it was the easiest and gave him time. "I know you said that you don't talk much, but I've seen Hoseok with his puppies and there's a reason I called you and would never call any of them. He never sees puppies a second time and you know about his art, so, whatever your relationship is, I just really don't want you to hurt him."

_It's too late, it's too fucking late for that._

Hyungwon grabbed a pen that was located on his night table and wrapped his fingers around it so tightly that he couldn't contain a gasp. He couldn't believe that he had been so stupid to let Hyunwoo share his knowledge when Hyungwon had already changed his mind, decided to keep all that he learned to himself and treasure it.

_He wanted to show you his gallery only for you to present it to the rest of the world._

"Fuck," he whispered, unable to keep playing his role because there didn't seem to be a point now. What did he have to gain from Hyunwoo remaining in the dark, believing that he was a puppy like all the others? "He thinks I'm going to reveal his art. He thinks I'm going to take what I know about him and write about it. He didn't know, Hyunwoo."

_What are you supposed to do now? He's going to destroy himself._

Hyungwon had seen fragments of it before, a preview of what it might be like when Hoseok loses his mind, loses his art and the ability to bleed out whatever haunts him. Hyungwon couldn't let that happen, not because of a misunderstanding.

_Not because of something you won't do._

Hyunwoo was right that he couldn't be trusted, he was a liar and tricked people to learn the truth, no matter the cost. But this was different, this was a secret he was going to take to his grave if necessary. Hyungwon couldn't let everything break because of him, not Hoseok.

_You can suffer on your own, let those feelings fill you until they fade, but not at the cost of his misery._

"Is he home or in his studio?" he asked even though the other man probably didn't know. Hyungwon didn't have any strength left to act, so there was only his monotone self.

"I… don't think that he has left the house since I told him when I dropped him off and that was two weeks ago. He must still be inside, but he doesn't respond. Fuck my life. Why didn't you tell him? Do you even know what kind of trust issues he has? Okay, I need to go, Hyungwon. Take care." Hyunwoo hung up on him, only leaving the brief monotone beeping sounds.

_You know, you know all too well._

"Fuck!" he yelled and threw his phone on the bed as he stood up and ruffled up his hair in frustration. What the hell was he supposed to do now? If this was anybody else, he wouldn't have cared, wouldn't have even bothered thinking about it. But this was Hoseok. The only person that had managed to grow on him in years, enough to abandon his own art of writing and spend the nights wrapping a piece of red rope around his wrist while thinking of him. Thinking of him and staring at a painting that was hidden below dark colours with a small chunk of red paint at the darkest spot.

_And sometimes you feel like you are that tiny red spot, a flake of colour._

Hyungwon walked back and forth between his desk and his bed, knowing that he had to solve the misunderstanding, but there was no way.

_None apart from seeing him face to face._

Goosebumps spread over his skin and he swallowed, overwhelmed by the sudden need he felt even though he had seemed fine before, in control.

_You need to see him, and you like that fact too much, too much to return to what you know in the aftermath._

Holding the sea air in his lungs, he reached for the small blue phone at the back of his drawer and dialled a number he hadn't in ages because there had been no need.

"Damn, it's been ages!" he heard Enrique mutter, audibly loading something into his truck and echoing Hyungwon’s thoughts. "How have you been, Juan?"

"Good. I thought it's been ages and decided to call. What have you been up to?" Hyungwon cracked his knuckles because that was part of his role and because it helped him get the sudden adrenaline out of his system. He didn't know fear, not really, but the mere thought of the state that Hoseok could be in sent a shiver down his spine.

_You know what Enrique’s up to and you need him to say yes._

"Oh, just getting ready to bring another load to Madrid. Going to drive through the night again. How about you?" Enrique asked and Hoseok heard another load be lifted and placed into the truck.

"Seriously?" Hyungwon faked surprise and threw a few random clothes into a box for the sound effect. "I was about to pack my things to take a train to Madrid. I wanted to visit a friend and thought of you because I thought we might be able to meet there. I remembered you're there a lot and I genuinely enjoyed your company."

The swallowing on the other line, followed by fidgeting, told him that it must have worked as he only had to wait twenty seconds to get a free ride to Madrid. Hyungwon probably would have to do something for it in the end, but it was worth it.

He needed to show Hoseok that nothing was going to happen, that the artist could continue drawing and painting, just like before.

Even if it meant that the subtle burning in his chest had to become real.

***

_‘Coffee?’_

The bright grin materialized in his mind once again, looking disturbing and making him recall all the things that came after.

_You thought that he couldn’t have been interested in you, that he must’ve been aware of your art at least, that he wanted something from you. When did you get fooled? When was it?_

Hoseok was lying on the cold floor of his art studio, unsure what time it was and what day it was. He couldn’t make out if it was day or night because the thick curtains were closed just like his eyes and only the scratching of his fingers against the wood reached his ears, showing him that he was still breathing, still alive and part of the world that had nothing for him apart from pain.

_Have you been lying here for a long time?_

Maybe he had. Maybe he dreamt all that. Did he? The delivery man coming into his studio, the same person coming to fix his water, coming a few minutes before the lockdown was announced to stay in his house, to scratch on the door just to peek in, take a picture and leave to expose it.

_You’re still in the gallery and you can’t leave._

Hoseok inhaled but it was barely enough so he inhaled again and again until his skin tingled. He had locked himself in for good and threw away the key somewhere next to the new painting that appeared out of nowhere.

_It wasn’t out of nowhere._

It looked like a blank canvas at first, but it wasn’t. It fooled him by appearing like one and when he was about to let his guard down, it would throw out red threads that wrapped around his wrists, legs and neck, pulling him in as he coughed and tried to free himself. Burning pain and agony, the sensation that his lungs were bursting and the inability to explain why he felt like that was accompanied by his pointless attempts to leave, to wake up from this nightmare, run to a different painting and watch himself suffer through his childhood, his teenage years, the pain of being alive, all was better than this.

_Because it shows so well that it’s your own fault. That you’re fucking fake for wanting attention even though people don’t give a fuck about you. And they are right. They were right. You’re a lonely, repulsive piece of shit and you hate yourself so fucking much that you keep drawing it._

Coughing from pain and sobbing quietly, he looked at his wrists, recognizing the red rope that he had given away voluntarily. He had given it to Hyungwon, to the painting, he was the one who enabled it to hold him, to hurt him, to enter the gallery only to torture him so much that he wished he would just stop breathing because everything was better than this kind of existence.

_Again, it’s you. You’re so fake. Do you like suffering, is that it? Do you like being in pain? You deserve it, right? Maybe he’s doing it so you’ll finally stop drawing. So you can finally disappear. Maybe they'll finally make you._

Hoseok was so fucking fake that even when he lay there on the cold wooden floor that stuck to his naked skin, unsure what day it was and if he was even able to stand up if he wanted to, even then, he thought that maybe in the end, he only wanted somebody to pay attention to his pain, start scratching on the door again that was now locked for good. The painting kept dragging him and compressing his blood vessels, making it impossible to breathe or to formulate a single thought and even then… even then he couldn’t bring himself to hate anybody but himself the most.

_

Was it night?

Hoseok opened his eyes and tried moving, feeling the pain in his limbs as he scrambled from the floor and leaned against the curtain that covered the glass windows. Has the gallery finally taken over and made him lose his mind? He didn’t know, and he didn’t know what day it was, what he had done all that time that wrinkled his linen pants that sat low on his hips and left marks on his bare torso. He lifted his gaze and focused on the canvas in front of him.

_You hate it._

He suddenly remembered how he painted and painted and tried to get rid of the pulling in his body that felt like he had drunk poison, but it didn’t work. Again, he just ended up creating a rotten piece of himself for others to see and covering it in black paint. Just black.

_Why do you still exist?_

The question was futile, just like his existence was and his thoughts were disturbed by a sound that seemed to stem from the outside. Closing his eyes, he turned around and pressed his ear against the curtain-covered glass.

_Is it raining?_

It seemed like it. He felt nothing but utter disgust for himself, but what if… what if rain could wash some of it away, just like the solvent removed the red from his hands, attacking the skin with more disgust under the ink and making the pain align with how he felt in his mind. It was calming.

When the door opened, and he stumbled outside, only wearing his black linen pants and closing his eyes, the rain was so strong that it hit his shoulders and his head mercilessly, soaking the fabric on his hips. He lifted his head and counted the steps he needed to the middle before simply laying on the ground with his face up and arms spread.

_Wouldn’t it be awesome to just be a piece of wood?_

Maybe if he lay like that for long enough he would become soil, soak into the earth along with the rainwater, but the soil didn’t do anything wrong. It was perfect, and it was clean. Not like him. He was still an alien object that pushed the plants down with his weight as the thick raindrops hit his face and ran down his chest because he hated himself so much that he needed to do something, anything to stop feeling the pain.

_But it doesn’t stop no matter what you do. How long has it been? Days? Or weeks? Or maybe months? Are you even alive?_

Pain meant that he was, so he lifted from the ground and stood a few more minutes, letting the heavy downpour wet his hair and body before he slowly walked back into the studio, leaving wet trails as he opened the door to the living space and glanced at his bed first, because that’s what he always did. Because the moon shone through the window, painting everything true and the truth was that he managed to break himself even more. Make it even worse.

_But does it matter if you’re just a fucked up lost cause anyway?_

It didn’t, and he hated his mind for reminding him of every single thing, every single image of the tall man walking through his house and doing things that he thought were…

_Genuine._

Biting down on his cracked bottom lip, he ripped his gaze away from the bed, freezing in place with his hand around the handle and unable to inhale.

_You know people, Hoseok. You know them, but still you get fooled because you're so needy._

There, right next to the kitchen table stood the man he hadn’t been able to wipe from his mind. It must be an apparition, an attempt by his mind to create additional visions to fool him and only prolong his pain. The long black hair that he remembered too well was soaked and single drops fell from the tips to the floor and onto Hyungwon’s broad shoulders. The plump lips were paler than usual, as if to trick him into believing that his apparition was in the same state he was, soaked to the bone and freezing. Hyungwon wore a white sweatshirt that stuck to his skin and became translucent and blue, ripped jeans that dripped down onto a pair of simple blue Converse.

_Why?_

He asked himself so many times why the notes on Hyungwon's messy table were filled with his name, why it was him, why the other man had to write about him out of all people. He tried to find the point where he made a mistake, but the thought just kept torturing him without providing an answer.

"Is it not enough yet?" he whispered, feeling every single drop at once and how his body was about to give up on him.

Hyungwon’s eyes were focused on him as the black-haired man shook his head slowly, covering the floor with additional drops as he wrapped his arms around himself. “It’s so much that I seem to be unable to live without it.”

Hoseok didn't understand a single thing. He just wanted peace that he could never have, a moment of emptiness that lasted until the end of time. He wanted the pain to stop even though he knew that he deserved it, but it was unbearable to him. It was unbearable how real Hyungwon looked. How real those eyes looked? Did he really have to die for it to stop?

"I can't live with it," he whispered and walked to the sink with shaky steps before filling a glass and carefully drinking half of it to not upset his stomach. It hurt too.

“I wanted to set things right,” Hyungwon muttered and Hoseok could feel the presence of another person at his side even though there was no touch, only the feeling that he wasn’t alone anymore, wasn’t able to keep his attention on the inside.

_Are you losing your mind?_

The other man opened one of the cupboards and took out another glass the way he had done so often and filled it with water, making sure it was turned to the far right because he liked it ice-cold, even when he was freezing.

“You’re soaked, maybe we should change first,” the low voice muttered eventually and Hoseok felt the sensation of fingers on his shoulder, barely there as if Hyungwon didn’t dare to let him feel their weight.

_He is real, Hoseok. He came into your house, you can't make this up._

He almost jumped from the touch, putting more distance between them and clenching his fists at his sides. He was soaked, he was in pain and he felt so dizzy that it was a wonder that he hadn’t fainted yet, but he couldn't just accept the source of his pain being close to him.

"Don't touch me," he hissed, before holding his breath. "There's nothing to set straight. Leave."

“You probably think it’s ironic, but- I care about the truth and what you believe right now isn’t it.” Hyungwon pulled his hand back as if burned and let the fingers of his other hand brush over them before dropping both arms loosely at his sides. “I cannot force you to stop hating me, but I want you to at least know that I am not what Hyunwoo told you I am.”

"You think that made me hate you?" he asked quietly, perceiving how he lost all feeling of his body. "I wish I never opened that door because what you did made me hate myself more, more than I already do and there's no way I can handle that." His eyes lost focus so quickly that he didn't even manage to hold onto something before the darkness caught up with him.

***

_You imagined the worst, but you had no idea._

When Hyungwon kissed Enrique’s cheek right before getting out of the truck, he had spent six hours contemplating what he was going to say, how he was going to say it and what his goal was. Did he want Hoseok to forgive him and return to the strange relationship they seemed to have? Did he want the other man to know that nothing was going to happen to him and continue painting, not caring about anything but his gallery?

_It’s rather the second, isn’t it?_

The question wasn’t what Hyungwon wanted this time, because he doubted that there was a chance of reaching it. He had seen so much of Hoseok during those two weeks - even if it felt like it wasn’t enough - that he knew he couldn’t save it anymore.

_He barely trusted you with his mind and to him you must have ripped it to shreds. He must hate you, so much that he paints you on a canvas just like he paints his demons._

Hyungwon’s goal was to make sure Hoseok was okay, as okay as possible and aware that there was nothing endangering his art and his ability to release his demons onto a canvas. His secret was safe with Hyungwon because he had decided to treasure it and even if the artist never wanted to see his face again, there was no alternative but to accept it.

_You got your feelings, shouldn’t you be satisfied?_

He wasn’t, but he would have to be eventually. Those were the thoughts in his head as he made his way to the back of the house and opened the tiny window that led into an additional bathroom in the basement that Hoseok seemed to use more often than the guest bathroom upstairs. This was how Hyungwon had managed to toy with the water supply last time and it provided him with a way to enter Hoseok’s house once again.

His clothes were soaked to the bone, courtesy of the weather and the fact that the window had been slippery, and he needed longer than anticipated to open it.

_You thought he was going to be devastated, but you didn’t think he would be dancing on the border of unconsciousness._

Instead of pulling him back into consciousness, Hyungwon had only ended up pushing the other man over the edge as Hoseok collapsed without Hyungwon managing to catch him and hit his head on the kitchen floor.

_And still you were mesmerized by how much seeing him affects you despite the state he’s in._

“Fuck!” he exclaimed, but there was no way for Hoseok to hear him. The situation provided him with a deja vu, reminding him of the time he had managed to see Hoseok’s actual studio because the other man had fainted right in front of the door.

_You only wanted to see the studio back then and hoped he remained unconscious for as long as possible._

This time Hyungwon barely remembered how he had ended up on the floor with his arms around Hoseok’s torso, stroking over the blonde hair and feeling the other man’s slow pulse. It must have been dehydration, a lack of food, lack of sleep, everything. All those things that seemed to have become less of a problem during the two weeks that Hyungwon lived with the artist.

_Now you must be the cause of it._

“I’m sorry,” he whispered even though he knew that Hoseok couldn’t hear him. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

He carefully lowered Hoseok’s head to the kitchen floor before running to the bedroom and grabbing a few pillows that he used to raise Hoseok’s legs. Next, he wiped over the other man’s naked torso with one of the fresh kitchen towels, hoping that Hoseok’s body temperature would be able to rise again. Hyungwon hated himself for the way his breath hitched simply because he was able to be close, because his fingers touched the cool skin and because he had missed the other man, even if he had tried not to while basking in the way being on his own made him feel.

_But he didn’t even want you to touch him and he has every right to feel that way._

Chewing on his lips, Hyungwon felt the fabric of the linen pants to check if they were ice cold too. They were just as soaked as his own jeans and he struggled a little in his attempt to take them off as they stuck to Hoseok’s skin and refused to be removed.

_You have to get him warm and then make him drink._

It was easier to focus on his actions, on the steps he needed to get Hoseok back to consciousness and warm him up. That way Hyungwon didn’t have to think about the fact that Hoseok hated himself more, even though the pain that he felt and the trust that was broken was his fault. Only his.

_You are the one who hurt him, but he hates himself for letting you in, doesn’t he?_

His hands trembled, and he almost dropped the glass of water that he filled, too affected by the mere thought that he might have ruined the only time Hoseok dared to trust somebody again.

_He should hate you instead, hate you so much that he won’t want to see your face ever again._

“Hoseok?” he tried and hated the way his voice sounded. It sounded too much like him, too much like somebody who was desperate and didn’t know what he was supposed to do to make it better. Hyungwon hurried to the bedroom once more to get the blanket and wrapped Hoseok up in the thick material, tightening it around him by curling his own arms around the broad shoulders. His right hand raked through the wet blond hair and he hated how much he was shaking, partially because of his own wet clothes and partially because no amount of scratching was going to help if the one behind it couldn’t see or hear it.

“Hoseok?” he whispered one more time and held the glass of water to Hoseok’s lips, hoping to make him drink, even if it was in a barely conscious state.

It took a few long moments before the curved lips that looked dry and cracked moved, but Hoseok's eyes remained closed. He looked so pale that it was scary.

Hyungwon didn’t speak anymore and focused on making Hoseok drink. He didn’t want the artist to refuse because he recognized his voice, because he knew that it was him and didn’t want to have anything to do with him, no matter if it was an attempt to help or not.

_You have to help him recover, make him understand and then deal with whatever decision he is going to make. Unless it is harmful to him._

His left hand returned to Hoseok’s hair, almost involuntarily and carefully brushed over it with his fingertips while he let Hoseok empty the glass of water.

The artist was still hypo ventilating, chest barely lifting and lips deathly white. There was no motion, no sight of the black eyes, but the familiarly curved lips parted briefly, just to tell him to leave.

_He knows it’s you and even though he can barely breathe he doesn’t want your help._

“I will,” he whispered and brushed through the blonde hair again, unable to help it. “When you feel better. I can’t, and I won’t leave you like this.”

"I don't care what you can or can't do. Leave. And-" Suddenly the black eyes opened and focused on him, pupil way too wide for the illumination. "Don't forget to take a few pictures before you leave. An article looks shit with text only."

_He’s barely there, but still it feels like he is looking right to your core_

“I’m not here for your pictures, Hoseok, I’m-” Hyungwon swallowed, overwhelmed by the eye contact and the fact that the person in front of him was a different one. It was the man that he had met more than a month ago, staring at him from the door and telling him to fuck off. The artist Ok Seho before he became Hoseok. “I’m here because I need you to know that nothing is going to happen. I’m not a reporter and I won’t be publishing anything. I just want you to recover and then you can continue painting and hating me, cursing me for being the way I am and showing you too much.”

_Usually you show too little, but there is always a first. With him it was never too little, but almost all of it at once._

Hyungwon carefully lowered Hoseok’s head back to the floor again and hurried to the sink to fill the glass of water before returning and placing Hoseok’s head on his lap and the glass of water against the other man’s lips. “Please drink, we can talk later. Maybe you will even have the strength to kick me out and tell me to never come back. Don’t you want that? So please drink.”

"Do I want that? The only thing I want is to stop existing, to finally stop thinking and finally stop feeling like this. There's no 'later' anymore for me, so leave," Hoseok whispered, eyes fluttering shut as the other man tried to remove his head from his lap. Hyungwon felt a subtle pain in his chest at the words, realizing once again that Hoseok was feeling that way because of him this time. It wasn’t an unknown demon that ended up on a canvas. He was the demon.

_One of the things both of you have in common is that you’re stubborn. You can’t let him feel that way even though nothing will happen to his art._

“Drink and I’ll think about it,” he replied and held the glass of water to Hoseok’s lips again, staring at the other man’s face to show that he wasn’t going to back down. He had won before when it came to staying, and he was going to win this time too, at least until Hoseok recovered. “I’ll make you some porridge after. I hope you still have some oatmeal or rice, I didn’t use them up back then.”

"I don’t want any porridge. I want you to finally leave. I didn’t stay awake for seven days for you to come here like the worst nightmare.” Hoseok attempted to sit up but hissed with a pain-stricken face and fell back on his lap, curling into a ball.

_Ouch._

Hyungwon wanted to say something similarly hurtful back, but there was no point, not when he knew that Hoseok was only trying to protect himself by pushing him away.

_You also push everything away, don’t you?_

“Let it all out,” he whispered and stroked over Hoseok’s blonde hair again, careful and making sure to not apply too much pressure. He needed the other man to drink, but he couldn’t force him. Instead he took the blanket and pulled it higher, all the way to Hoseok’s neck in the hope that it was going to warm him up. “It’s okay if you call me a nightmare. I’m an empty canvas after all, there is a lot I can take.”

“Altruistic, huh? Don’t bother with that either. For you to take anything there must be at least a grain of something left inside me, but there’s nothing. There is just nothing, inside me, inside my mind. This won’t make you feel better about yourself, but maybe you can write a story about how you took care of that suicidal, fucked-up lost cause because he wasn’t able to stand up. I bet people want to read shit like that because it makes them feel better.”

Hyungwon smiled because once again Hoseok and him shared an opinion as he thought the same. Those were the kind of stories he would never write, simply because there was no truth to tell, no purpose apart from benefitting the reader.

“I’m not altruistic,” he muttered and stroked over Hoseok’s hair again before attempting to lift him up a little, just enough to make him drink while keeping the blanket tightly wrapped around him. His own clothes were still soaked and felt like dry ice against his skin, but he ignored it and observed the colour of Hoseok’s lips instead. “I’m one of the most egoistic people I know, only caring about the truth. This won’t make me feel better about myself because for that I should have stayed back in Barcelona and attempted to forget everything, only enjoying the brief stabs of pain whenever I glanced at the paintings you gave me.”

“I’m so sorry that they give you pain. How about you burn them,” the artist hissed and threw the blanket to the side, eyes still shut tightly. Hoseok looked in pain as he held onto his stomach and breathed quickly.

_You could never burn them._

“Lie down,” he hissed back and applied pressure to Hoseok’s chest to make sure he rested on one of the pillows that Hyungwon used for his legs before. He ignored the other man’s weak attempts to protest and wrapped him up again. Another glance at Hoseok’s pale face made him grab one of the pots that were stored close to the sink just in case the artist had to empty his probably already empty stomach. “If you don’t want me to touch you, I won’t, but don’t try to stand up. I can help you to the bed if you want to, but don’t try on your own.”

The dark gaze looked full of contempt, as Hoseok inhaled deeply and rolled to the side, standing up and stumbling towards the small bathroom, holding onto his stomach.

_He’s feeling sick._

“Come on,” he muttered and stood up quickly before wrapping an arm around Hoseok, but without applying pressure, only to stabilize. He knew that the other man was angry and the eyes full of contempt didn’t leave him unbothered, of course they didn’t. But at the same time, he merely told himself that he deserved them and if that is what he had to bear for Hoseok to recover and return to his art, then that is what Hyungwon was going to do. “Are you nauseous?”

Instead of replying, the artist used his strength to free himself and sunk down in front of the toilet, emptying the contents of his stomach. Coughing and breathing heavily, Hoseok wiped his mouth with toilet paper and threw it inside, remaining in the same position with his forehead pressed against the pale arms that the other man had crossed on top of the toilet seat. “How awesome would it be if you could vomit memories or people out of your life.”

“We’d all be bulimic,” Hyungwon replied and reached out to flush the toilet before crouching down next to Hoseok, head leaning against the wall. “I know that you don’t want to see me and want me out of your life, I do. I just want you to know that nothing will happen, Hoseok. There won’t be an article about you and nobody knows anything apart from me. I’m not a fucking reporter, it was a role I played when I met Hyunwoo.”

_But still you wanted to learn the truth and write about him._

“You don’t expect me to believe you, right? I mean, not that you care whether I do either. I read the piece that you wrote before, Alex. It’s good, you’re a gifted writer. To be honest, I do think that you should write your article because your writing is definitely worthier than my existence. Who cares what I do after? I mean- you know because I told you. Fuck back off to Barcelona, wear that red suit and carry that high-class article to the magazine. They’ll be happy, and it suits you so much more than sitting next to my toilet and watching me vomit water.”

_He's got such an accurate picture of you, empty apart from that red suit and those high-class articles you write._

"I know, right?" Hyungwon chuckled and brushed through his long hair, realizing once again that he kept making mistakes when it came to Hoseok. He thought the other man wouldn't need the full truth because he was going to disappear out of his life right after, but of course Hoseok had seen through it. "There won't be an article, because I told them I won't publish it. It's mine and I'm not giving it to anybody. You can think what you want about that, but it's the truth. Yeah, I wanted to publish it before because I was furious about those shit interpretations of your work and I needed to learn the truth. To me it was always emotion, but in the end, everybody was wrong. It's a truth I will keep to myself. Maybe it's selfish again, hiding my own mistakes."

It was easy to construct another story, it sounded so believable that Hyungwon might have even believed it himself had he not known that Hoseok was the reason for changing his mind.

_Because he showed you something that was only meant for you, for you and nobody else._

Hoseok shifted and kept his dark gaze on his face throughout his words, not blinking and not saying anything either. “I said that you’re not full of shit, but I might revise it. You’re selfish? Then go take a warm shower, get some clothes out of my closet and go back to Barcelona to publish that article and get some cash. Why write my name all over those notebooks for nothing?”

_Why, Hyungwon?_

"Because I'm full of shit," he replied and shrugged because it was easier than talking about his feelings. In addition, Hoseok was right, wasn't he? "Because at first, I wanted to publish it, but now I don't. At first, I wanted to make sense of it all, but I can't and will never be able to, so I might just as well keep enjoying your art and write my 'high class' articles about something else."

“Mhm. Good idea.” Hoseok nodded and leaned back, eyes fluttering shut as soon as he had nothing to lean on. “And now go change and then go back home.”

_He must be feeling dizzy._

"No." He brushed through his wet hair and shivered because the cold caught up with him once more. Hoseok didn't look like he was about to faint any second, so he stood up and chewed on his cheek for a few moments, struggling because the way the other man looked at him wasn't the same anymore. It hurt and for some reason he wasn't thankful for that, didn't bask in it to fill up his emptiness. "I'll be making you porridge. Take back the blanket and get warm."

“I don’t want to. I don’t want any porridge and I don’t want to feel warm either. I just want you to leave and to stop existing and you won’t give me either. Maybe I should call Hyunwoo, so he comes and takes you away from here. Where is my phone?” Licking over his lips, Hoseok crawled towards the door frame and lifted to his feet. Now that Hyungwon saw him under light it was obvious that the other man had lost quite some weight. It didn’t look healthy no matter how he looked at it.

"Didn't you say that you won't let yourself die?" he whispered and clenched his fists because he couldn't bear to see Hoseok like that. "Why… don't you eat, Hoseok?"

“Yeah, I did say that. But it was before I started hating myself so much that I can’t bear seeing my reflection in the valve. You know, there is only a certain amount of self-hatred a person can take, and maybe it was time that it boiled over, thank you for all that heat. I don’t eat because it reminds me of you and I feel nauseous thinking that I need to do it to keep being alive. For what? Just think about the person you hate the most and then imagine living with them every fucking day, see them in the mirror every day. At some point you either kill them or go crazy.” Chuckling bitterly, Hoseok held onto the door frame and slowly walked out.

Hyungwon felt his lips shake and turned around quickly, leaning against the wall and making sure that Hoseok wouldn't be able to see his face even if he wanted to. His emotions got out of control and he inhaled sharply to hold his breath and stop feeling the way he did. He hated that he was the reason for Hoseok acting this way, for not eating and even for wanting to die.

"Why don't you hate me instead?" he whispered quietly to himself before wiping over his face and hurrying after Hoseok. "Why don't you hate me, Hoseok? I'm the one who made you feel this way, I'm the one who scratched on that door with the intention of pulling something out that you didn't want to show. I did all that, so why don't you fucking hate me? Can't you just hate me? Fuck."

Hoseok stopped, holding onto the glass element on his way to the bedroom. “You want me to hate you? But why? Because you’re like everybody else? That’s not a reason. Usually one can determine the cause by comparing yourself to others. First, I thought the problem was that the people around me were bad people, but then I met other people. They are all okay, and you are too. The only thing that doesn’t fit in is me. You keep living among the humans and I’ll just be here, or somewhere in the gallery in front of that white painting. It’s new.”

_You want him to hate you, because then he wouldn’t be blaming himself so much that he wants to disappear. You don’t want him to disappear._

“You’re wrong. Again, you think that the way you see it is the only truth. Maybe you are right about yourself not fitting in, but what makes you so sure that I do? I play a role each time I interact, I become somebody who fits in. Now tell me, how is that different from what you do? The person I saw at the museum wasn’t quite you and at the same time I wasn’t quite me. Don’t judge me so easily. You’re the only person who has seen the real me.”

“You’re joking, right? Are you afraid to be judged by me? I’m a nobody, Hyungwon. God, just leave.”

“No.” Hyungwon inhaled once again, fighting the way his body kept shaking from the cold and from the burning in his chest. For a moment he wanted to do as Hoseok said, to just pack his things and leave the house as quickly as he had come, forget about everything and not have to feel the way he did. It would have been so easy to just be back in his apartment, hide away the paintings and become who he wanted to be at that moment instead of himself. “I’m not afraid,” he whispered and covered his eyes again, focusing on the icy sensation of his fingers. “But you are the only person whose judgement seems to matter.”

“I see,” the low voice whispered, rough from the coughing. “Then rest assured that I don’t hate you and I don’t judge you. I just want you to go back to the place you came from and never come back. Ever.”

“And I just want to be with you.” The words could have been meaningless, a play on the sentence Hoseok had spoken, but the way his voice broke betrayed him and Hyungwon didn’t dare to remove his hand from his eyes. Keeping them closed instead, he held the air in his lungs.

He heard steps and the bathroom door open, he was expecting to hear it close, but instead he heard the low voice.

“You don’t.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 11**

Why did the water still feel cold, even after those weeks of agony in its purest form? Why did Hyungwon appear again, making him feel even more pain because he could see that the words he hissed back changed the gaze in the brown eyes?

_You can see it, but you still don’t believe a single word._

It didn’t matter how the brown eyes looked, how Hyungwon hid his face and that he was freezing. It could’ve been anything. The cold, the self-pity, the way Hoseok’s pale face and watching him vomit made the other man uncomfortable. He understood. He really did. He just wished that there was nobody to see, nobody next to him watching him feel miserable and in pain, witnessing his self-hatred and thinking that porridge and a glass of water would fix anything as if he hadn’t spent most of his life trying to fix himself. There was no way. It had only gotten worse.

_He thinks not publishing the article will make it better. That fool._

He chuckled, shivering because he laid in the water long enough for his limbs to feel numb and for the crippling stomach ache to feel like a distant pulling that turned into intermittent cramps that made him wince in pain every now and then.

_You should get out._

Hyungwon didn’t understand that it had never been about that article. It had been about the fact that he fooled himself into thinking that Hyungwon was sitting in front of his gallery, scratching on the door because he wanted to see what’s inside. But, in the end, he had been scratching briefly to expose what he saw as soon as the door opened. To hurt him.

_He said that he wanted to experience intense feelings. Looking into the mind of a fucked-up person must be exciting. And he doesn't even know how fucked up you really are._

Why did it have to hurt so much? Why had he been so fucking stupid, dumb enough to think that there was genuine interest, something that they shared, even if it was scary and he never thought it would continue, still… Still, he felt like there was a person out there who knew. And now that person turned out to be someone who had only gotten close to him to expose it.

_You need a drink._

Hoseok had a bad feeling about it and he knew that the stomach ache would probably get worse, but he also felt unable to deal with it. With Hyungwon inside his house, the physical and mental pain turned into an overwhelming wrecking ball, so much bigger than his body or anything that he could imagine himself to feel.

_Would he be jealous of all those feelings?_

Chuckling, he wrapped a towel around his hips, waiting a few moments until the dizziness passed and walked out into the bedroom.

The first thing he realised was the scent of food, even if Hoseok couldn't tell what exactly it was. His eyes recognised Hyungwon standing at the stove, still in his wet clothes as if he had forgotten about them, making what looked like a pot of liquid.

"I made broth," Hyungwon remarked and poured some into a bowl. "Your body should be able to keep it down and will get some salts and electrolytes back. Hoseok, you- fuck, did you shower cold?"

The other man's eyes widened as he placed the spoon in his hand on the counter before hurrying towards him and simply reaching for his arm. There wasn't much of a difference between his cold skin and Hyungwon's icy fingers, but the other man must not have liked the result.

"You'll get a cold," the low voice murmured as Hyungwon let go. "Please try to get warm, even if you won't accept my help."

"Excuse me, but you're the one who feels like an icicle. Go change." Hoseok lifted the other man's soaked shirt from his body before shaking his head and pulling his hand back.

"I have a working immune system for now, I'll be fine." Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon undid the buttons of his white shirt anyway and threw it into his laundry basket before slipping out of his ripped jeans and letting them join the shirt. Remaining in his underwear, Hyungwon hurried back to the stove and lowered the heat under the rest of the broth. "Will you do me a favour and eat? It'll warm both of us up."

"Is the discomfort too much? Do I look scary? I don't know because I painted the mirrors black." Hoseok slipped into black underwear and the usual linen pants and long sleeve shirt. Even though the clothes were familiar, and the fabric felt the same against his cold skin, his eyes supplied him with the fact that nothing was the same because the white painting decided to step out of the gallery and haunt him.

"If it was uncomfortable, I would just leave, don't you think?" Hyungwon sighed and placed two filled bowls on the table, gesturing for Hoseok to sit down. "Don't you want to throw me out? Tie me up and abandon me in the basement? You'll need strength if you want to make all those threats from before come true."

_He thinks you would hurt him?_

"But I know that you don't give a fuck about my threats," Hoseok commented and walked towards the table, before taking a different path to the cupboard across from the couch where he found an old bottle of cognac that Hyunwoo sent him when they got a bunch of money for one of his paintings.

Right as he grabbed the bottle and was about to open it, Hyungwon hurried over to him and placed his big hand on top of his. Big, widened eyes stared at him, but Hyungwon didn't call him crazy or ask what the fuck he was doing.

"Please don't," the other man whispered instead and shook his head slowly. "Please."

_Why is he like this?_

"Will you take care of the fact that I can't handle your presence better than the stuff in here? I don't think you can," he whispered, feeling that the long fingers were warmer than his own now and the difference in temperature forced goose bumps on his skin, or maybe it was the feeling in his stomach.

"I can sleep in the basement if you need me to, but please don't drink." Hyungwon sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and Hoseok recognised the facial expression, the one that the other man covered up with something sarcastic or a grin. It didn't come, and the warm hand remained on his. "Let's eat."

_Is he scared?_

"Let me say it once, just in case. The way I feel… What I'm doing… it's not because of you, Hyungwon. It's because of me." Somehow his words sounded ridiculous, but maybe it was because he couldn't word a proper sentence, feeling dizzy and cold. As if on cue, one of those cramps forced him to let go of the bottle and curl up. He breathed rapidly and hoped that it would pass soon.

Warm hands were instantly on his back, rubbing in circles and it appeared as if Hyungwon didn't even think about it before acting. One arm was wrapped around his shoulders to stabilise him and hot breath tickled the skin of his neck, becoming obvious as soon as the pain faded to the background.

"And the way that I act is not because of you, but because of the way I feel," Hyungwon murmured and held his breath for a few seconds, as if to compose himself.

"You-" he started, but it was so hard to press out a single word, so he waited a few moments longer before continuing. "You said that you want to feel, but it's so easy for a feeling to become a burden. Don't you see it? You should go home. Leave."

"Usually I swallow it up when I feel that way, imagining it filling up all the empty space before fading away with time." Hyungwon answered him quietly and led him towards the table while still caressing his back. "But somehow I can't with you. You called me special, you dick."

The other man chuckled and brushed through his long hair, not meeting his gaze. "I like you the way you are, Hoseok. Let's- let's eat."

He hated himself for the way the words made him feel and he wanted to run away somewhere but he had no place to go and he knew that the pain would follow. It always did.

"I don't believe a single word you say, but you are special. You're special, the other paintings are like messy collages and abstract disgust, but your painting is white."

"The new painting… it's me?" Hyungwon asked quietly and pulled back one of the chairs for him. The other man tested the temperature of the bowl by touching the side briefly.

_Why is he being like this?_

"Mhm. It has the rope. You became part of the gallery, but it's a pity because that's not what you were looking for. You just wanted to expose what's inside." Hoseok took the spoon and stared into the broth, feeling nauseous.

"I did," Hyungwon answered, voice just as quiet as he pulled the other chair closer in order to sit next to him, hand on top of his forearm. "I did before I knew what it was. I thought it was a secret to your art, something that explained your source of inspiration. I know you don't believe me, but it meant a lot when you told me that you wanted to show it to me. I acted almighty because I was overwhelmed."

_You don't believe him._

"I'm dumb. Not that it's a new realization. But considering what happened, it's a bit too obvious. I'm still dumb because I don't know where my phone is, so I can’t call Hyunwoo to get somebody to take you back home. To the place that smells like the sea." Thinking about the sea seemed like a dream at this point, like a thought he had made up because he couldn't handle it anymore. That's what crazy people did, right?

"Can't I stay?" It seemed strange of Hyungwon to ask even though he had refused to go back only minutes ago, telling him there was no way he was going to leave. "I love the sea, but-" The other man chuckled, "Again you won't believe me, but I'd still rather be here right now."

_Bullshit._

Hyungwon played with the fabric of his shirt before finally letting go and wrapping his fingers around his hand that held the spoon instead.

"You're not dumb. You were being careful and in the end you pulled out the me that I never want anybody to see. The empty me that has neither exceptional humour, nor proper fear or a sense of self-preservation because that me yearns for excitement. If you were dumb, you'd have seen a mask and handed me everything on a plate, but you didn't." The other man lifted the spoon with some of the broth in it and met his gaze. "I know it feels like you won't be able to take it, but it'll make your stomach feel better. Are you… nauseated because I'm here? Will it be easier to eat without me next to you?"

He chuckled because it was ridiculous and took the spoon, swallowing the small portion of broth. "I wouldn't eat if you weren't next to me," he murmured. "What happened? Do you feel guilty? Don't bother. It really isn't the point."

"I'm scared that something might happen to you because I don't want it to."

_Ah. He's afraid you might die, and he'll think that it was his fault._

As if he hadn't said anything, Hyungwon quickly reached for his own bowl and ate a few spoons in succession. Masking what he said the other man smiled suddenly and stared at the content of his bowl. "You know, you never react the way other people do, so maybe that's why I end up saying the truth, even if you don't believe me. To be honest, I was all prepared for you to hate me and was ready to make you understand I won't publish anything and deal with the consequences, but now I'm just selfishly enjoying your company and hoping you won't hurt yourself. God, somebody shut me up."

"I do believe the first part." He ate another spoonful, waiting for a reaction and hoping not to run to the bathroom again. "It sucks to think that some random person died because of you. That's why I told you it's not that. It's because of the way I feel about myself, so don't worry about that. You’re not at fault."

"Is that really what you think?" Hyungwon finally looked up from his bowl and met his gaze. "I'm not worried that some 'random crazy person' will die because of me, Hoseok. I'm worried because I don't want you to be hurt. Because I like you as a person and even though you seem to think that's impossible it's the truth. How can you say it's not my fault if I was an asshole to you in the beginning? I ignored everything you wanted and told me until you showed me the true you. I should have told you the truth, but I didn't, I only showed you myself and somehow assumed that would have to be enough because I never do. Do you really think that's okay? It's not and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but ‘I'm sorry’ doesn't make it hurt less, so I'm hoping to show you that you can continue painting as you need it and I won't be in your way. I promise."

_He has no idea._

Hyungwon held his breath and returned his gaze to the bowl and Hoseok knew the expression, the way the long fingers tightened around the spoon.

_Just tell him._

"You don't understand," he started and felt more and more nauseated with each inhale, but he needed to say it. "The problem is not that you came and ignored what I said, it's that I've been fake about that. If I really didn't want you here, I would've found a way. If I really didn't want you to touch me, I would've thrown you out no matter what, if I didn't want to share what's on my mind, I wouldn't have. It was me who was fake and who expected and wished for things that were never there in the first place, thinking that curiosity was interest, that a tactic was sincerity. I must've been quite desperate, I guess. Just forget it, Hyungwon. Don't feel bad and don't try to fix it, there's nothing to fix because it's a lost cause, I-" He barely managed to stand up, dropping his spoon on the floor and running to the bathroom to empty his stomach once again, like the words that he spoke from his mind. Why couldn't he just empty himself like that and disappear?

A warm palm stroked over his lower back and rubbed over his carefully as he dry heaved a few times until it finally stopped. Hyungwon handed him a proper tissue this time and flushed the toilet after he wiped his mouth.

"You don't understand either," Hyungwon whispered and Hoseok felt the warm palm travel up to his neck and there were suddenly lean arms around him, embracing him carefully. "What you saw, all those things… they were there, Hoseok. I just didn't want them to be, because I'm always on my own. They have been there ever since our hands met through that glass. Maybe even before that. If you're fake, then I'm fake too because I want all of this but pretend that I don't fucking need anyone. Shit- please let me hold you."

Maybe it was his state, the way he looked. He had no way to check through the painted mirrors. But Hyungwon must be shocked to see him like this, unable to eat because his stomach revolted, emptying its contents twice in an hour even though there wasn't anything to empty out. Maybe the other man was scared that he would die next to him and he would have to live with the thought that he might have not done the bare minimum to save him. All of it was bullshit. Hyungwon should've just left, but he didn't, he didn't and instead the warm arms pulled him into an embrace that he was unable to decline because in the end that's what he was.

 _Fake_.

"I'm sorry that you feel this way because of me," he managed to breathe out as his eyes fluttered shut because he was in pain. In so much pain.

"I'm also sorry that you feel this way," Hyungwon murmured and stroked over his hair, caressing it in soft motions with his long fingers slipping in between the strands. "But I can't let go, Hoseok. I can't leave, and I can't let go, even if you want me to. I- like you too fucking much for that."

_He likes you too much?_

Something didn't add up, but the fingers in his hair felt so good and the low voice speaking those words too. He didn't believe it, but still it made his skin tingle. He was an idiot.

_You love fooling yourself, don't you?_

"Why did you come?" he asked quietly, arms loosely at his sides because he didn't allow himself to return it. He wasn't supposed to return the embrace.

As if to make up for his loosening arms, Hyungwon only tightened his own, breathing his next words against his neck.

"Because telling you the truth gave me a reason to see you. Because I imagined how you might feel, and it felt so terrible that I wanted to make it better, to show you that I've been genuine with you. Because even though I promised myself not to act on it and just look at your paintings, I can't fucking do it."

_This can't be._

It made no sense and it was so far off from his own perception that he shook his head. "You told me what you wanted to say, but why… don't you leave?" he asked, hating the bitter taste in his mouth.

_Is it pity?_

Hyungwon's hand paused it's never ending path from the top of his head to his nape and the other man trembled suddenly, as if he struggled to speak. Hoseok had seen it before when he asked Hyungwon how it felt to be drawn, back in the hotel in Barcelona.

"Because I'd rather be with you," the low voice whispered before Hyungwon swallowed and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "Even if you want me to leave."

Nothing made sense and maybe he was making it all up, but usually his dreams complied with his view of himself, so it must be real. He couldn't imagine anybody wanting to be with him right now.

_But he said that he wants to be with you._

"I don't sleep, but I forgot that you do. Looks like dawn. My most and my least favourite time," he whispered and lifted from the floor, barely able to pull Hyungwon along before the other man loosened his embrace. "I need to brush my teeth, and you should sleep."

Hyungwon nodded slowly and brushed over his hair once more before exhaling slowly and finally letting go. Hoseok hadn't seen him like this before, as if the other man was fighting with himself.

"I will," Hyungwon muttered and made his way towards the kitchen. "I'll eat first. Can you promise me that you will try to eat later?"

"I feel like collapsing, so I'll lie down for a bit first. Let's see. I never make promises that I can't keep." Hoseok walked into the bathroom and brushed his teeth two times to get rid of the disgusting taste.

When Hoseok returned to the bedroom, took off his clothes and lay down, he felt like a ghost. A person that didn't exist in the realm of reality and only at dawn, when the tall figure with black hair and big eyes appeared on his doorstep, in his house, it seemed as if he was still able to feel anything apart from the heavy self-hatred that pulled him and drowned him so deep that it seemed impossible to get out.

***

A warm blanket, the scent of paint and flowers that seemed so close that Hyungwon could taste it if only he stretched out his tongue. It felt right, and he smiled, wondering if it was one of those dreams that transported him back to the house in Madrid, the place that seemed so magical with its big trees surrounding it and the bright light that shone through the windows.

_You miss it so much._

Hyungwon didn’t want himself to, but he still did. Maybe that is why he kept his smile and shifted on the soft bed and wrapped the blanket tighter around himself, refusing to open his eyes. He didn’t want the dream to end and to be met with the dark of his own apartment because he woke up in the middle of the night again.

_If you keep your eyes closed, maybe the scent will stay longer?_

He thought about those two weeks, about the month he spent thinking about Hoseok, about those few days that they spent together and that burned themselves into his memories like blazing metal. He thought about the way he jumped into a truck to travel to Madrid through the night and be able to resolve a misunderstanding.

_To be able to see him. You wanted to see him._

His eyes fluttered open immediately, remembering that it wasn’t a dream, that he was really in Madrid with Hoseok and that he didn’t know whether the other man was okay.

He was met with wide black eyes, reflecting some of the moonlight that came through the window after the storm had passed and a pale face that would have resembled the moon if it wasn't so thin.

"Go back to sleep," Hoseok whispered and shifted, hands folded under his cheek.

“I dreamt that I was here,” he whispered instead of doing as Hoseok asked him to and reached out to touch the pale cheek, hoping to make sure that the other man was really there. It felt soft and warm against his fingertips, making them tingle. “I didn’t want to open my eyes because I thought it would end the dream.”

"You smiled again. It must've been a parallel reality. One that can make you smile like that." Hoseok chewed on his lips, shifting again and Hyungwon realized that he had taken the whole blanket for himself rolling himself inside it like a caterpillar.

“You must be cold,” he whispered and removed one edge of the blanket from under his body and spread it out over Hoseok as well. He suspected that the other man might move away, so he shifted closer and carefully wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck, feeling like he was able to drown in the scent of paint and flowers now. “It wasn’t a parallel reality, Hoseok. It was exactly this. You make me smile.”

"I like the cold because I feel less. You must be still somewhere in your dream. There's no way I would make you smile after all that I said and did. Go to sleep, it's better there," Hoseok muttered, flinching as soon as his arms touched the slightly cool skin.

_It's because he wants to be touched._

Hyungwon shook his head and wrapped his arms tighter around Hoseok's neck, pulling them flush against each other and enjoying the feel of naked skin against his own. He slipped his right leg in between Hoseok's and curled the left around the artist's hips. He had missed being close, almost as much as he had missed the man in his arms.

"It's not, it doesn't feel like this," he whispered and pressed a kiss to Hoseok's neck, keeping his lips attached because he liked the way it felt so much.

_You didn't only come to resolve the lie. Now you are unable to leave because you wanted to see him all this time._

Hyungwon should have finished his apology, left and forgotten about everything. But instead he was embracing Hoseok, stroking over his blonde hair, unable to let go.

The artist inhaled and held his breath, freezing in his arms for a few seconds before the warm air hit his neck and the shell of his ear. "Why are you being like this? Wasn't I mean enough? Why would you come here if you can smile at home, where there's magical chaos and no minimalistic nightmares, no paint, no me who just wants to disappear and says hurtful things just so you would leave?"

_He doesn't understand that it is him that you want._

"You don't get it because you don't know what I want. You didn't know back then because I didn't tell you and you don't know now that I do." Hyungwon smiled against the warm neck and added a few more kisses to it. "I love the scent of paint and flowers, the scent of you."

"I guess you're still out of it," Hoseok murmured and flinched again. "I had no idea what you wanted from me when you came, but now I know. The way you're acting just doesn't make sense right now. Just… sleep and go home tomorrow."

_He doesn't understand that what you want has changed._

"Can't I stay? I don't want to leave, Hoseok." He buried his nose in the crook of Hoseok's neck and inhaled deeply as he traced the warm skin with his lips. "I want to be with you, I mean it. I don't want to go back and miss you again."

"You must be kidding me," the low voice muttered but the words were accompanied by the touch of Hoseok's fingertips against his lower back, drawing circles on his skin. "I called you a nightmare and that I wish I could vomit you out of my life and you are saying you will miss me? You wanted to write about me? To be honest, I'm not worth an article. I'm just crushed because of my own stupidity and I hate myself because I'm fake. It's not because you wanted to write. It's-" Hoseok stopped for a second without continuing his touches. "It's that you wanted to write even though I told you that I couldn't paint anymore and if that happened, I didn't know how to deal, but you still…"

_You still wanted to publish what you found._

"But I still decided not to write because I know that you need to paint. You need it and I know it. It's not only because I like you, but because I understand. Maybe it took me a while, but I do." Hyungwon lifted his face from Hoseok's neck and kissed the other man on the cheek, realizing how unusual he was behaving, but maybe it was the atmosphere, the darkness and the expression on Hoseok's face that looked back at him. "You said all those things, but I know you don't mean them. I'm willing to bear them all if it somehow makes you feel better in the end."

_Why are you feeling so much? Are you addicted to the way he makes you feel with his presence alone?_

"I hate this," Hoseok whispered and wrapped his arms around him. "Why can't you just fucking leave? Why don't you publish that article, crush me, tell me that you hate me and leave?"

The words sounded desperate and the way Hoseok inhaled quickly and how those arms held onto him added to the impression that the other man didn't want him to leave at all.

_Like you, you also hoped that he would hate you instead of torturing himself like this._

"Because I like you," he whispered, knowing that the words didn't do the feelings any justice, but he didn't dare to use different ones, not yet.

_Because you're scared he'll push you away even more._

"You like me? But why? You can like the sea, your big window, writing, that red suit that makes you smile in a certain way and you can like the outcome when you cook something, taste the first bit and close your eyes, but there's no reason why you should like me, Hyungwon. Maybe you like my paintings, even though they're rotten. You can have them. Have them and leave."

"No," he answered, feeling his confidence return along with the increasing strength of Hoseok's embrace. "There are many reasons to like you. There's no playing around you, no acting, so I'm just me and somehow you consider that me special. Is it so hard to believe that it might be the same for me? I consider what I see of you special, even if you hate to show it. I love the way you see colour, how you seem to associate lines with it, knowing which one to choose. I love the way you look when you taste something that I made and try not to look like it's delicious because you hope I won't make you eat more even though you want me to. I love the way you look at me when I open my eyes in the middle of the night just like this. You see something else when you paint me. I- Don't make me say all of it because I won't fucking stop, Hoseok."

"You said that you're empty," the low voice breathed out next to his ear. "You're not. But I don't know who you are, Hyungwon. It seems so clear to you when you decided not to crush me and that somehow my presence is a bit fun, but I don't know about that moment. I wasn't there when you decided. You just appear in my house and force me to live on, you say you like me? What me? I'm the same, right? Always fucked up and kind of amusing, but you're not. I don't know who you are, and you said you showed me, well turns out that I can't see or maybe I don't want to see… "

_It seems to be so difficult for him to believe it. But what did you expect after constantly attempting to lie to him?_

“You misunderstand. The moment I decided isn’t the one that matters, because that was simply me finally admitting to what was there all along. I- I told you that what you saw was me being sincere. The way I acted around you, when I asked you to tie the red rope around me, how I watched you paint at night. All of that wasn’t because of the article, even if I tried to make myself believe that it was. This isn’t just a ‘bit of fun’, Hoseok.” Hyungwon chewed on his lips, unsure how to make Hoseok understand. “What you saw... it’s me. I’m the same person, only that I am speaking the truth without hesitating. You must know because you seemed to dislike the way I am next to other people.”

"I didn't dislike it. I was in awe that you were strong enough to effortlessly become a person that everybody likes. I only… disliked it when you talked about me as if I wasn't there and then when I realized that it was only because you wanted more information… " Hoseok held his breath, holding onto him before the other man's arms loosened around him.

_Just tell him the truth, Hyungwon. He won’t understand your half-truths, there will always be a reason that he is going to find to blame himself once again. You cannot let him._

“I-” he began but couldn’t bear the lack of contact and wrapped himself around Hoseok’s body, holding on for both of them. “I tried writing the article for a month, but it felt wrong. Usually I need about a week, but it felt grotesque to me. I told myself that it was because I don’t know enough, because I need to find out more about you, understand you to the fullest and then everything will make sense. But that was bullshit. It felt empty because I liked you and wanted to see you. Information gave me the excuse that I needed. God, I’m so bad at this, Hoseok. I don’t come clean, I only make others do it.”

_You’re like the boy who cried ‘wolf’. When you say the truth, nobody believes you._

"You know, before, I didn't believe you either. I didn't believe a single word you said, but I thought… I thought I didn't need to because that's just the way you are. It was okay for me, you know? You lied? Fine. In comparison to me that's nothing, so I just accepted it. I just didn't think you would do it to hurt me. I mean- I deserve it. I do. But I promised myself that I wouldn't give anybody the keys and I wouldn't open the door and just when I do…, fuck."

_Fuck._

The way Hoseok cursed echoed in his head, because it showed him once again that this wasn’t a case where an apology was going to make everything okay again. An apology wasn’t going to do shit, and neither was the fact that he didn’t plan on publishing the article anymore. He had once again shown Hoseok that he shouldn’t open up to anybody, that the people the artist let in only ended up hurting him.

_You wanted to stay away when he said you were going to leave in the end. What happened to make you stop?_

His feelings did, coming out of nowhere and making him act differently from what he had planned on. But explaining this to Hoseok didn’t change anything either. Hyungwon was a confirmation of the rule, showing that anybody who tried to get close had ill intentions. What did it matter that they changed in the end?

“I can’t make it undone,” he whispered, placing a kiss against Hoseok’s jugular vein before adding a few more to the other man’s jaw. “I can’t, but maybe I can promise you that it won’t happen anymore? Can’t I make it better from now on, show you that I won’t hurt you?”

_But can you really promise that?_

Hoseok chuckled, before suddenly pulling him on top of himself, black eyes staring so deep into his own that he felt like averting his gaze more than once.

_Because he sees you._

"You can kiss me, so I can finally stop thinking about your words probably turning out to be just another lie."

_It’s not a lie this time, but what if it changes again?_

“It’s not a lie,” he whispered, leaning in closer and feeling his whole body tremble because he wanted nothing more than to kiss those curved lips again and forget about the mess of thoughts inside his head. He was talking and trying to make sense of the way he felt, but he had no idea what that meant for the moment when he left the familiar house again, stepped past the door like out of a dream.

_You cannot promise him anything. You’re not a person who is able to keep them._

“It’s not a lie because I don’t want to hurt you, but I hate that I cannot promise it.” Inhaling deeply, he leaned in and covered Hoseok’s warm lips with his own, gasping because it felt even better than he remembered. The other man’s lips aligned with his own so easily, as if they were meant to be connected instead of telling each other hurtful things and pushing away even though neither of them wanted to be apart. “Don’t make me leave,” he babbled into the kiss and raked through Hoseok’s hair, “I feel so fucking happy next to you.”

"Liar," Hoseok whispered, cupping his face and pulling him even closer, licking into his mouth and caressing his neck. "But I can't bring myself to push you away."

Hyungwon trembled under Hoseok’s hands, knowing that he wanted to prove it somehow, to show Hoseok that he was speaking the truth, but right at that moment he couldn’t get himself to care either.

“Then don’t,” he muttered and met Hoseok’s tongue, breathing the same air and pulling their bodies against each other, enough to feel the cool, naked skin against his own while tasting Hoseok’s hot breaths. “Let me touch you.”

"No. I want to touch you. You can't fake those sounds," Hoseok commented and leaned back, licking his curved mouth and staring at him in that mixture of want and dominance that he knew and loved, the one that made him feel like so much more than he actually was.

“Then tie my hands,” he whispered, breathless from the kisses and unable to pay attention to his expressions, to the way his hands roamed over Hoseok’s naked chest and the way he just wanted to throw himself back on the mattress and find something to hold on to.

_You want that rope around your wrists. The one that belongs to you._

"All my ropes are downstairs, and I won't do it if I'm not in my best condition. You'll need to be able to free yourself if my body gives up." Hoseok reached for the bottom drawer of his bedside table and took out a long red silk ribbon. "I think this one might suit you well." The other man curled his fingers and grinned, imitating a kitten. "You will look so pretty in it, fuck."

_He seems so cheerful about it whereas you can barely breathe from excitement._

"It's perfect," he whispered and grinned back, sitting up on the other man's lap. "It's my favourite colour. The one I always reveal on your paintings."

Hoseok made him lie on his back and crawled on top, placing his milky thighs on each side of his head and tying his hands to the headboard. He glanced up and observed how the silky red material curled around his wrists in a gorgeous composition with a few knots that Hoseok didn’t make tight on purpose. He simply knew it.

_It looks so beautiful._

"You scratch. You scratch so much that it bleeds, but no matter how much you scratch, I still like you,” the low voice whispered.

"And even though you push me away, I still like you," he replied and smiled, tugging at the ribbon without really trying. "I like myself more with your art on me."

_It doesn't feel empty anymore._

“I like my art more when you are in it. To be honest, it’s still like a rotten limb, but I just think that I didn’t do you justice and hate myself as usual.” Hoseok let both hands travel down his arms to his chest, caressing his nipples and drawing long lines with his index finger over his collarbones and jugular. “I won’t sleep with you now. For two reasons. First, because I don’t think that my body can handle it, not the way I want to make you feel, and secondly, because I don’t want to give myself to you. But I still want to make you feel good because you made me feel something other than pain for a moment by showing me your smile again.”

_He doesn't want to give himself to you, of course he doesn't after being hurt._

"I understand," he whispered and let his eyes flutter shut for a few moments because Hoseok's hands felt so good on his skin. "But let me be the judge of whether you do me justice."

Hyungwon loved the feeling of the ribbon against his skin and couldn't help the immediate arousal that followed. Unable to resist, he leaned forward and closed his lips around Hoseok's underwear-covered groin, sucking on what he could reach through the fabric.

Hoseok let him, but only for a few seconds, before he felt the other man’s fingers in his hair, and he was pulled back, forced to bare his neck. After settling on his lap, Hoseok’s warm lips travelled along his neck, sucked on the spot under his ear, on his earlobe, nibbling on it and purposefully shifting to rub his muscular behind over his groin.

“The voice inside my head has always been my own judge and it won’t change. You showed me that it shouldn’t change because it’s the only stability I have.”

"Then maybe I'll be able to change that," he breathed out and moaned from how good it felt. This time he tugged at the ribbon because he felt the urge to touch Hoseok and run his hands over the beautiful chest, but it didn't let him.

_But how do you even begin to change it? What can you offer him as somebody who's never himself?_

“Don’t mess with me,” the other man whispered in reply, roaming his hands over his chest and stomach, gaze focused on his and rolling his hips. The silver shadows danced on the pale body as it moved on top of him and he wasn’t able to touch it, to do anything to have it for himself.

_Just like reality, isn't it?_

Hyungwon moaned and tugged at the ribbons again, feeling his arousal build up quickly even though Hoseok was only stimulating him with a few hip rolls and the sight of his gorgeous self, the muscular chest even if it had lost weight and the beautiful face that made him hold his breath in awe.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered and didn't dare close his eyes, no matter how good he felt. "I can't get enough."

“Am I? To be honest it’s the compliment I like least because that was the reason people were interested in me. ‘You look so beautiful and lost in thought, like out of this world. What is it that you’re thinking about?’ and then when you trust them enough to tell them, they think that it’s disturbing, want to make you think about them instead, change you because that ‘far away from everything’ is only pretty when you look at it once. But you… I don’t even know.” Hoseok bit down on his bottom lip and the words seemed to be genuine, coming from a place Hyungwon wanted to know more of, but as if to shut himself up, the gorgeous man leaned down and clashed their lips together, pulled on his hair and made him lose his breaths with the perfectly coordinated motions of his hips.

Hyungwon whimpered and anything he might have wanted to say in reply remained in his mind, fading to the background as he got dizzy from lack of air and the constant desire to touch and be touched.

"I can't stop looking at you," he breathed out before hot lips touched his own again. "Never."

“That’s because you’ve never seen yourself smile in your sleep or stand outside in the moonlight on the other side of the glass. It’s like you suddenly have no thoughts. As if that feeling just owns you for a moment and it’s breath-taking,” Hoseok murmured against his lips before finally having mercy with him and traveling lower only to suck one of his nipples into his hot mouth, playing with it, circling the tip of his tongue around and rubbing over it.

Hyungwon gasped and threw his head against the pillow, unable to keep his eyes open as it felt too good. He couldn't believe that he was melting like this even though Hoseok hadn't touched him properly yet, nothing beyond kisses and teasing.

_You're going mad because it's him, because you know that tomorrow everything might be different again._

Only at night there was no cover.

“I’m not exceptionally good at reading whether somebody is genuine or not, that’s why I’m suspicious of everybody and everything, but it’s different with a body. A mind can control the body to a certain degree, but not always and surely not everything. So, when I touch you, I feel it with my hands, how you tremble against my fingertips and your pretty nipples get hard against my tongue. Your body doesn’t lie to me and I can’t get enough of the way it reacts to me.”

_Does that mean that he can tell how you feel, even if you don’t say anything?_

Hoseok used the time he spoke to pull his underwear down and settle between his legs, letting the tip of his tongue draw fine lines along his groin, over his erection before leaving small marks on his inner thighs.

“Have me,” he whispered, as quietly as he was able to because Hoseok already said that he wouldn’t, but Hyungwon still felt unable to keep it to himself. His body was burning up and he couldn’t stop his legs from trembling, breathless because he enjoyed everything that Hoseok did to him. That must have been what the other man meant, the way goose bumps spread all over his skin and his body attempted to move towards Hoseok’s touch, revealing that even though he was not supposed to be a puppy, he surely acted like one.

“When I saw you last time… in Barcelona…” Hoseok kissed him right where it felt good, placing more warm kisses around and adding a few licks that he used to tease him. “Before I left. You lay there with the blanket and looked like a sculpture, an actual work of art that shouldn’t be touched. That’s what I thought. I thought even more, but I won’t tell you, just know that while I thought all that you smiled. Just when I looked at you one last time. As if you knew that it’s the one thing that makes me feel good.”

_Your smile is the only thing that makes him feel good?_

He gasped once again, throwing his head back and forth because he was too damn sensitive to remain composed when Hoseok teased him like that.

“I- dreamt of you,” he muttered before whimpering and burying his face in the pillow. His whole body reacted to a shudder of pleasure that passed through him. “I hated the feeling of waking up alone, without you.”

“I don’t know if you’re telling the truth, but it doesn’t matter. I know that the smile that I saw was real, no matter what it was that you were dreaming and whether you smiled because of me or because of something else. That’s the kind of existence you are to me. You were to me. Your smile and the knowledge that you are somewhere in the city by the sea sleeping and smiling in your dream makes me feel better.” The black eyes caught his gaze, just as he opened his eyes and glanced between his legs, but as soon as the emotions threatened to occupy the space between them, Hoseok spread his legs and licked over his entrance, teasing the skin around it with tender bites.

_He’s doing it on purpose, to share without hearing your replies._

Hyungwon moaned loudly as his eyes fluttered shut once more and he tugged at the ribbon around his wrists. It felt too good, too good to be able to talk or express a single thought of his. His mind was preoccupied with finding ways to always feel like that, to remain next to the other man even if it meant that he would have to give in and let his motions be restricted with a ribbon.

_You like it, don’t you? Even if you don’t know why._

“Hoseok- I’m really sensi-” He couldn’t finish as Hoseok nibbled on the sensitive skin once more and pulled a loud groan from his lips, echoing off the walls and making him even more dizzy.

“I know. It’s gorgeous. The way you react and how you can’t help it. How you tug at the ribbon to gain the control back, but you don’t really want it because your body shifts to be closer to me.” He felt those warm hands curling around his thighs and the other man just ate him like an ice-cream, leaning back as soon as he was on the edge and driving him mad.

The dizziness blurred his vision and he was barely aware of anything but the heat between his legs and the firm grip on his thighs. He loved how Hoseok pulled him closer and sent wave after wave of pure bliss to his groin, lips muttering meaningless words, begging Hoseok to have mercy on him even though he didn’t want it to stop, he didn’t want mercy.

“Hoseok-” he tried once again when the blonde man lifted his gaze to meet his half-lidded eyes, lips parted because there wasn’t a single second that he didn’t gasp or moan loudly. His chest rose and fell in a quick rhythm and he could feel his heartbeat in his fingertips and toes that curled up each time Hoseok touched him.

_You know it’s not only the pleasure, you know that it isn't._

“I never let anybody have me, but you can have it. Have it all,” he mumbled and tugged at the ribbon again, whimpering when Hoseok’s lips touched him but denied him an orgasm by pulling back right after.

The artist shook his head, before taking him into his mouth and Hyungwon felt a finger inside of his body that immediately found how to touch him and replace the sight of the moon-lit bedroom with white stars that danced in front of his eyes.

His orgasm washed over him in a matter of seconds, lasting longer than usual, tugging at his awareness and pulling his last breath from his lips. White covered his vision and Hyungwon wondered if his body had only been waiting to feel the other man to let go, as if it was obeying Hoseok’s every word and move.

“Hoseok,” he breathed out and tugged at the ribbon again. He wanted to touch Hoseok so badly, to wrap his arms around the other man’s neck and forget how to breathe and how to think. His body didn’t listen to him and he could barely shift his legs, breathless and covered in a thin layer of sweat from feeling so much at once. “Please.”

The other man was pulling at his sensitivity with brief licks at his tip and the motion of his hand before finally having mercy and giving him the blessing of lack of stimulation. “Should I untie it?” the low voice breathed into his ear before the muscular body settled right over his head like before and he felt Hoseok’s warm fingers untie the ribbon around his wrists.

Hyungwon was still dizzy, but as soon as his hands were free he wrapped them around Hoseok’s thighs and pressed his face against the flat stomach, breathing in the scent of paint and flowers. His breaths were still irregular, and he mouthed along Hoseok’s obvious erection before tugging at the other man’s hips until they were almost able to look each other in the eyes.

_You can’t get enough of him._

His vision was blurry when he finally managed to wrap his arms around Hoseok’s neck and let go, having all of his weight rest on Hoseok’s shoulders as he breathed heavily and struggled to remain as closely attached as he was able to.

_You need him so much._

“I love you so fucking much,” he mumbled and buried his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do. Usually I just ignore it and try to get over it, but I can't do it.”

Hoseok was holding his breath and holding him, one arm wrapped around his shoulders tightly. There was no answer, no reaction, nothing. Just the warm fingers that stroked over his back for a bit longer before Hoseok put the blanket on top of him and climbed from the bed, wearing a pair of linen pants and a long-sleeved shirt. “Sleep well,” the low voice breathed out before the artist walked out of the bedroom, past the couch and towards the kitchen, disappearing into his art studio, away from him and his confession and so far from everything else.

Hyungwon hated the way it felt, the emptiness it left behind, that he continuously tried to get rid of, to fill with any kind of emotion if he was able to. This was also an emotion, so he tried it, he lay back down on the bed, wrapped himself up in the blanket and stared at the white ceiling, trying to deal with it the way he always had.

There was something bittersweet to it, almost like the times when he woke up without finding Hoseok lying next to him, surrounded by cold sheets and the memories of what had happened between them.

The only difference was that back then there was no connection to his words or what had happened between them. This time there was no doubt about the reason he was lying in bed all by himself, an abandoned, blank canvas.

_He left because of you._


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 7th of July at 2 PM CET.  
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**CHAPTER 12**

_Maybe he will learn to hate you at some point, just like others did._

There was so much red on his canvas that his eyes burned, and he leaned against the glass, slowly sinking to the wooden floors that had cooled down. It was dark too, but was it shortly before dawn or the beginning of night? Or was it the middle of the night? Hoseok wasn’t sure about anything and the past few days were filled with his attempts to eat a lot and talk little, walk away as soon as Hyungwon wanted to say anything and observe the smile that still appeared occasionally.

_It will be okay as long as he can still smile in his sleep._

Hoseok lifted his gaze to the big canvas and the words stared back at him, not letting him forget and drawing them wouldn’t make them leave his mind either, that much he knew.

‘I love you so fucking much’ it said, in red with a rope noose hanging from the word love because he couldn’t do it. Because he was unable to show love or receive love. Hoseok really wished the other man hadn't said anything. Nothing at all.

_He probably didn’t mean it, but still you are here, unable to forget that those words left his mouth. So many lies but you hang onto each one as if it’s your lifeline._

At least his body felt better, and he kept eating what Hyungwon put in front of him without a single word and only stopping when he felt like he was dying or was about to empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl. He knew that he needed to get better because otherwise Hyungwon wouldn’t leave.

_He thinks you’re going to die without him. Without him around. But you've died so many times already._

Something buzzed inside his pocket and he rubbed his palm against his linen pants before pulling out the phone and picking up Hyunwoo’s call. What time was it even?

“Hey. Good that you called back. I want to ask you for a favour. I know I only ask for favours and don’t give anything back, but I don’t know who else to trust. I don’t trust anybody but you,” he murmured, sighing and glancing at those words that stared back at him and made him even more willing to say what he needed to say.

“God, Hoseok, what happened? Are you okay? Why didn’t you pick up your phone for two weeks? Is the thing with the Barcelona exhibition still standing? Because I shit myself at least a thousand times, thinking that you changed your mind, that something happened to you, but you said you won’t die until you pay me back and that hasn’t happened yet.” Hoseok smiled at the low voice and how natural Hyunwoo was at grasping his mood and saying the one thing he knew he could manipulate him with.

“I didn’t plan on dying. At least not now. I’m eating well and I’m shitting well, and all those things are going super well, so don’t worry. I just need one thing, namely for you to take Hyungwon away from here. Tomorrow at ten would be good, he sleeps in in the morning. I think it’s best if you come yourself because I really don’t trust anybody else,” Hoseok finished and brushed his blonde bangs back before he stood up, taking the thick brush and covering the words on the canvas with a thick layer of black paint.

“He’s with you?” the low voice asked before there was a long moment of silence that he filled with the brushstrokes. “I won’t say anything, I guess. I’ll come tomorrow at ten. It’s midnight. You’re the king of random, but then again, you’re randomly making me rich, so I appreciate that. Just… don’t be sad, Hoseok. Let’s have a talk after I take him back.”

_No._

He hummed and hung up, dropping the phone back into the deep pocket of his linen pants as he continued covering the canvas, unable to stop.

_But you need to tell him that he will leave tomorrow._

Chewing on his lips he threw the brush against the canvas, leaving a stain and it looked fucking ugly. Rotten and fake.

His hands were stained with paint and this time he decided not to remove it as he left the art studio and stepped into the mostly dark kitchen. His steps were silent, bare feet making no sound as he walked towards the bedroom and saw the tall figure leaning out of the window, white shirt open and loosely hanging on the broad shoulders. Hyungwon was probably getting ready for bed.

“I called Hyunwoo,” he said, leaning against one of the glass panes that separated the bedroom from everything else and looked at his hands, inspecting the accidental paint patches on top of his inked and non-inked skin. “He will come to pick you up and take you home tomorrow.”

Hyungwon glanced over his shoulder without leaning back, examining him intently.

"Are those words that you spoke to me? I can't believe it," the low voice murmured before Hyungwon simply grabbed the window frame and stepped outside the full-sized window, feet lightly brushing over the patches of grass that had started to grow there. "I'm not going."

“You are. I’ve been eating, and I feel so much better now, I can do push-ups and pull-ups and can paint without fainting for a whole five hours without eating or drinking, I’m fine. Nothing will happen to me, so leave.” He stayed where he was and lifted his gaze to look at Hyungwon who resembled divine forest being in the moonlight and wearing that stupid white shirt from the times when he had to wear fancy clothes because he wanted to impress. In the end, the failure to do so had never been the clothes' fault, it was the person wearing them.

"You think that's why I stayed?" Hyungwon sighed and brushed the bottom of his right foot over the patch of grass again. "Come here. You should try it out."

“No,” he whispered and shook his head in addition to the word because he felt like he had to fight, fight against what Hyungwon might have said because he knew the right corridor, the right corner, the right door to scratch on. “I don’t want to try anything out. I just wanted to tell you, so you can prepare to return home and I will go back to the studio. I need to finish that painting.”

"Don't you want to spend some time with me before I leave? You're all too good at disappearing in the mornings." Hyungwon pressed his lips together and stepped back into the apartment. The black-haired man crossed the distance between them and simply wrapped his long fingers around his wrist, tugging at it to follow him to the window. "I like the way it feels. I want you to try it out. You won't when I'm gone."

Hoseok didn’t say a single word and stepped outside, standing on the grass and staring at the small face that was lit up by the bright moon. Was it a full moon? Somehow Hyungwon looked different. He wasn’t sure if it was the night, as he had seen him so many times during the night, even if the other man hadn’t been aware of it, smiling because his dreams were better than the reality could ever be. Maybe it was the knowledge that it was the last time he could see the big eyes, meet the gaze that felt closer than ever before even though he wanted them to feel far away from each other. “I won’t,” he whispered.

"Then do it now," Hyungwon murmured back. "Let me lead you while you focus on the way it feels on your naked feet." Hoseok saw a smile that seemed even brighter because of the light as the other man kept holding onto his wrist, leading him further outside across the grass. "This is… how I like to take walks on the beach at night, focusing on the sand."

_But it’s not sand, and this is not a casual walk two people take to let each other experience something new, this is… a goodbye._

“I don’t want to,” he whispered, freezing in place. “I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to go back and finish the painting. I- I don’t want to feel anything.”

Hyungwon stopped walking, but the long fingers remained wrapped around his wrist. There was a hint of hurt on the handsome face, revealing more than Hyungwon usually did before those big eyes turned away from him and stared at a big tree instead.

"I thought you didn't want to feel pain, but maybe I was wrong."

_He can't imagine how much pain you've felt and how much you want it to stop._

“You are wrong about so many things,” Hoseok replied, pulling back his hand and walking backwards until he bumped against the window frame. “What you’re doing right now is giving me more pain, pain that won’t ever leave me. That will forever stay and torture me, become a patch of red on a canvas. You want that? Is that a nice goodbye present? Thank you!” He bit on his lip, regretting the words as soon as they left his lips. He didn’t want to hurt Hyungwon, he hated himself for doing it because it wasn’t about him, it was about the decision he made and wanted to carry through with. But as always, he failed at making himself be understood and only ruined whatever it was that had grown between them.

_You can never change._

“You said you liked me? How about now?” Hoseok turned around and jumped into the bedroom, walking back into the studio as if in trance, feet making too much noise suddenly. It was cold, it was dark, it was scary, it was everything at once.

He took his brush and no matter how much time passed, how much paint the canvas was covered with, it didn’t get better. It was scary inside his gallery even though it has been a safe place before. Now it just seemed lonely and dark, cold, full of doubts and self-hatred. Could a person really hate everything they ever said, ever did? Was it even possible? Why were those things said to people that mattered to him? Why couldn’t he have said it to somebody he didn’t care about? Why did it have to be the one person? The only one…

Throwing the brush away and listening to it hit the wall and then fall to the floor, he sunk to the ground holding his head and sobbing until there was no sound anymore, just tears and the inability to deal with his own decisions, his actions and his feelings that always followed and stayed. In the gallery.

_Is he watching you?_

Probably not. Who wanted to watch a breakdown, weakness and attention-seeking bullshit in the middle of the night, right? Hoseok turned and looked over his shoulder. It was dark, but the moon allowed him a glimpse at a figure, but that figure wasn’t Hyungwon. It couldn’t be.

_Did you finally go crazy? Congratulations._

Swallowing briefly, he pinched the skin between his fingers and squinted to see better but the picture didn't change much. It was a man dressed in black, short and slowly walking along the trees in the middle of the property that belonged to his house.

_A robber?_

There wasn’t even anything of value in his house, but he wasn’t alone, so he lifted to his feet slowly, inhaling deeply to assess what was happening. Just as he was about to hit his fist against the glass to tell the invader to fuck off, something shimmered in the man’s hand and he recognized a military knife or something similarly sharp.

_Holy fuck. Think Hoseok. Think._

Looking around, he wasn’t sure what to do as his eyes fell on the tall figure that leaned against the tree, white shirt wrapped around the slim torso and eyes closed.

_He’s sleeping._

Looking from the man in black who held the knife firm in his right hand to Hyungwon who was sleeping under his favourite tree, probably tired from watching him having a breakdown by himself, Hoseok suddenly realized that the person with the knife was moving towards Hyungwon, trying to come closer from the side.

_Fuck. Fuck, Hoseok._

He had no idea what his feet were doing, but suddenly, every sound seemed to be more intense to his ears and he could feel every single muscle in his legs as he slipped out of the studio entrance after taking a short piece of rope that lay next to one of the canvasses and quietly moved over the grass towards the man who was faster, getting closer to Hyungwon. He could feel the tension in his arms and the adrenaline spike when it became clear that he had been right about the intentions that he still couldn’t understand, but there was no time for understanding as he took a few fast steps and reached the figure just in time, pulling at the black shirt when he was about to hurt Hyungwon.

_It can never happen. Never, Hoseok. You know how it ends._

He couldn’t quite grasp what happened next. The person was strong, so fucking strong, trying to free himself and lifting the hand with the knife towards Hyungwon whose eyes were open now, wide in shock. He shouldn’t have looked that way. Hoseok needed to keep that smile no matter what.

_He can’t lose it because of you._

Inhaling deeply, he quickly wrapped the rope around the thick wrists, making a firm knot and looping the end around the other man’s neck, pulling for a few seconds, just enough for the muscular body below him to lose all tension due to the compression of the main vessels.

_You don't have much time._

Next, he looked over the grass, spotting the knife next to Hyungwon’s foot and used his left hand to throw it into the studio, hitting part of the window and watching it shatter.

_As if that matters right now._

His arm hurt, and he glanced at the wet spot that got wetter the more time passed, but that wasn’t the point right now. Checking the slow pulse, he quickly crawled towards Hyungwon and grabbed the small face, leaving dark stains on the pretty cheeks. “Are you okay? Is everything okay? Are you hurt?” he mumbled, blinking quickly and losing focus because of the adrenaline that still coursed through his body.

"I- I'm fine, but you-" Hyungwon's lips were shaking as he spoke, big palm landing on top of his own and staring back at him in shock. "Shit, Hoseok- you're bleeding, you're bleeding, you're-"

The black-haired man shifted on his naked knees, glancing at his stained palm in terror before reaching for his arm instead that had started to burn. The burning didn’t matter to him at all. The only thing that mattered was the expression of genuine shock on the small face that he stained with his blood, putting that red colour on top even though Hyungwon wasn’t his canvas. He kept doing that, even now. Fuck.

_You need to keep that guy asleep._

“No- I’m fine, I’ve been eating well and I’m feeling so much better.” He chuckled but his voice broke. “Could you do me a favour, Hyungwon? Could you run to the basement quick and bring me the thick black rope. The long one on the right? Do you think you could do that? He won’t sleep for a long time and he’s a bit strong.”

_You can’t put him in danger. He was in danger because he watched you. Because he's with you._

"Hoseok- but you-" Hyungwon began babbling and Hoseok couldn't decipher the other man's words as he kept stroking over his arm and wiped over his own cheek, staining it even more as his chest rose and fell rapidly.

_You’re drawing your own fears on his face even though he’s not your fucking canvas, Hoseok. The expression in his eyes looks almost... like yours._

“I’m sorry for staining your skin. I’m fine, please get me the rope and I will show you what kind of nice knots I can make, okay?” He turned to the right and pulled at the neck loop once again, counting to ten and letting go. His sleeve was completely wet and felt sticky against his skin, but how could it compare to the expression in those big eyes? The expression that made him want to return the calmness, the roles that Hyungwon was so easily playing whenever he needed to, the brief smile that the other man used to cover up a truth that he accidentally shared, but now, those eyes were full of fear, the pure, raw kind of fear that he knew so well and he wanted to do fucking everything to make it disappear.

_You know that it's because of you._

Hyungwon continued whispering something that he didn't understand before grabbing the tree behind himself and using it to get up. Hoseok could tell how unsteady the other man's legs were, as he stared at him and the man who was unconscious next to him.

"Is he- is he dead?"

_You wouldn't kill anybody._

“No. Not at all. He’s just sleeping, but he won’t for long, that’s why I need that rope, this one is too thin and too short.” Hoseok swallowed and smiled even though Hyungwon’s face looked a bit blurry. He really needed that rope as fast as possible.

"I'll get it." Hyungwon nodded but didn't move. A few more seconds passed during which Hyungwon stared at his face and breathed heavily before Hoseok observed a hint of realization and Hyungwon ran, using the door to the studio and disappearing in the darkness of the house.

_You could have lost him._

Hoseok inhaled deeply, trying to get the dizziness under control, but the adrenaline and the pulse of the man below him made him keep his consciousness for longer.

_You can’t faint. He wants to hurt him._

Gritting his teeth, he pulled on the loop again before letting go and exhaling the air that he had kept in his lungs. It was so clear that the target was Hyungwon because even after he had overpowered the muscular man, he tried to lash out to hurt him. His own injury was mostly because the man wanted to get rid of him.

_Fuck. That tattoo._

He heard naked feet running on the grass before Hyungwon sank to his knees right next to him, black rope and a towel in his hands.

“Good boy.” He smiled through the stabbing pain in his arm and took the rope, deciding for a Takate Gote technique that he would have never thought he would perform on someone who just attempted murder. At least not voluntarily.

Knot after knot, he worked himself through it, tying them extra tight and using all his remaining strength even though his right arm started giving up on him and hung loosely as soon as he finished up. Hoseok used the loose end to tie it around the tree as a final measure. “I guess he won’t be able to move much if I did a good job.”

_Maybe you should call Hyunwoo…_

“Okay, Hyungwon- are you sure that you’re okay?” He crawled closer on his knees and wiped the hand he could still move on his pants before reaching for Hyungwon’s face, unable to help it. It felt wet, warm drops running down the round chin. “Fuck- you look so scared. I’m so fucking sorry, Hyungwon.”

_Is he crying because of you? Did you make him cry now?_

"Your arm," Hyungwon whispered, voice unsteady and rough because of the tears that covered his cheeks. The other man grabbed the towel and reached for his unmoving arm, tying the towel around the spot that hurt the most. "Shit, your arm, Hoseok. We need to clean the area, disinfect it, maybe it needs stitches, we- shit, I can't do any of this. I can't pretend to be a fucking doctor, I can't do it, I-" Hyungwon's whole body shook as he wiped over his face with the back of his hand, coughing because he was crying so hard.

_He's worried about you even though the guy wanted to kill him. Because of you._

“Fuck, don’t cry, it’s okay. None of it is your fault, it’s not because of you and I’m fine, I swear, everything- it’s okay, I’m only worried about you, don’t cry…” he whispered, wrapping his arm around Hyungwon’s shoulders and pulling the other man into his embrace. Maybe he was wrong, but it felt so good, it felt so good to hold him in his arms, to feel the cool skin and the warmth against his neck. “Hyungwon?” he asked, burying his face in the warm neck and placing kisses against the other man’s wet cheek. “I love you, do you hear me? I swear I do.”

The slim body only shook harder in his embrace. Hyungwon's arms curled around his waist and held on as the other man buried his face in the crook of his neck. Hoseok could feel the warm tears on his neck as Hyungwon's fingers dug into the fabric of his sweatshirt. The man in his arms was crying, but still it felt so good to hold him tightly.

"It's my fault, Hoseok. He's here because of me, I led them here, they'll- fuck." Another shudder passed through the other man as he shook his head repeatedly. "I should have done what I always do. I love you, but I shouldn't have led them here, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s my fucking fault and now you're hurt and- I don't know what to do. I don't fucking know what to do."

_Why would he say that? It's bullshit and you know it._

He felt dizzy and Hyungwon’s explanation didn’t make sense at all. There was no way that any of the events were Hyungwon’s fault. “Bullshit. You watched me and fell asleep and that guy wanted to hurt you… seriously hurt you, Hyungwon. I know that you’re scared, I can see it, but it will be okay. I promise you I’m fine. I'm not sure if we should call the police, but I don’t want him anywhere close to you, no matter whether he’s tied up or not.”

_It might be the time to call Hyunwoo._

"I'll call them," Hyungwon mumbled and let his hands travel over his white shirt and underwear, belatedly realizing that he wasn't wearing pants and didn't have his phone. "We have to check if he has any poison with him, anything to- to kill himself before the police arrive. You… you were fast, and he might not have managed in time, so we need to find it and get rid of it, so they can question him. We- fuck, we need to be fast before they send more, and they hurt you. I can't let that happen, fuck- Hoseok."

_What is he talking about? What does he know?_

He shook his head and licked his lips, feeling how dry his mouth was. “I have no idea what you are talking about. His knife- I threw it there.” He pointed at the broken glass. "Nobody is going to hurt me apart from myself. He was going to hurt you, didn’t you see? He was after you, Hyungwon. He is alone right now, he is tied up so hard, he won’t be able to reach for anything even if he wanted to. You're sure you want to call the police?” Shifting on his knees, Hoseok attempted to stand up, feeling the dizziness and nausea return immediately. There was no way he was going to stay conscious much longer. “Even if I faint, it’s nothing major, you know how I faint all the time, right? Just don't do anything stupid. Will you do that?”

"Shit, Hoseok." Hyungwon immediately scrambled to his feet and wrapped an arm around his waist. "I know they were after me, I just didn't think they would find me. It was just a fucking threat letter, it was supposed to be meaningless. They weren’t supposed to know where I live, where you live."

_What?_

The other man took a few deep breaths before leading him towards the house and leaving the unconscious man next to the tree. Hoseok could feel how badly Hyungwon was shaking, how unsteady each step was and see that those plump lips trembled no matter what brave words the other man was speaking. "We have to get you into the house and take care of the wound, everything else will follow. I'll take care of everything, I'm supposed to be prepared for this, fuck. I'll call the police, check if he has any poison and leave tomorrow. That way you'll be safe."

_'That way you'll be safe'._

The words echoed in his head and he shivered, unsure whether it was the cold, the loss of blood that dripped down his sleeve or the fear that still occupied his mind. The fear that he could lose the person next to him. His vision got blurry and he held onto Hyungwon’s white shirt, staining it with his blood-covered fingers “No. No... don’t… don’t leave,” he whispered, before the darkness swallowed him.

***

_Red, everything is blood-red._

Hyungwon had never felt that appalled by his favourite colour before, terrified and shaking as he kneeled on the tiles of Hoseok's tiny guest bathroom and wiped over the approximately six-centimetre-long cut on the other man's bicep. The blood that was staining his white shirt, the cloth in his hand, his face and Hoseok's hands, told him enough about how deep the cut must be and how much blood the artist must have lost.

_You've always known that this might happen someday, but you thought it would happen to you._

Reality was different from the hypothetical scenarios that Hyungwon invented in his head to be prepared, or the briefings that the police provided him with and that he wasn't particularly scared by.

_Nothing scares you usually, but this is terrifying._

It was so terrifying that his fingers trembled as they wiped over the hurt skin, unable to do the job properly. Hoseok was so pale that Hyungwon kept holding his fingers to the curved lips just to make sure that the other man was breathing, that he hadn't lost him.

_How can he think that even this was his fault even though you led them here by ignoring the threat? You should have been careful, been prepared, but instead you decided to recklessly follow your feelings and endanger him._

There was a reason Hyungwon had gotten used to ignoring his emotions and basked in the pain of unrequited love. The sight of the man he fell in love with bleeding and unconscious made that painfully obvious.

_It hurts so fucking much._

When most of the blood was washed off and he was able to disinfect the wound and wrap it tightly, he knew that a doctor would have to take a look at it either way. He wasn't qualified and had made enough mistakes in the past week to last him a lifetime.

_He took a knife for you, a fucking knife, Hyungwon._

He reached out to stroke over the pale cheek, glad that it contained some warmth. The closed eyes and unmoving curved lips forced him to swallow as he pictured what could have happened, what he would have done if Hoseok got hurt to a degree Hyungwon wouldn’t be able to fix anymore.

_You could never forgive yourself._

Hyungwon hadn’t been able to bear the thought that Hoseok abandoning his art would be his fault and the possibility that being next to him might even take the other man’s life was too much. Too much to allow.

_You cannot stay next to him, you can’t._

Hoseok's words still echoed in his head, the confession that made him feel so light while at the same time scaring him so much that he struggled to breathe. This wasn't the right time for a confession, not when he knew that he had even less right to act on his feelings.

_You pretended that you hadn’t said anything when he left, knowing that it would make everything worse. Why did you say it? What are you supposed to do now?_

He swallowed once more and removed his hand to wash the blood off the cloth that he used, watching the water turn pink as it disappeared down the drain.

_You have to make sure he is okay and leave as quickly as you can. You mustn't endanger him more than you already did._

Hyungwon dried his hands and kneeled next to the man on the floor again. He brushed through Hoseok's blonde hair and rested his head on a pillow that he had brought from the bedroom. He didn't have the physical strength to carry Hoseok to his bed, so he had tried to improvise as best as he could and used the small guest bathroom. Only once Hoseok looked a little less pale did he dare to make his way outside again.

_You need to assess the situation, do what you have been taught._

The grass had felt so relieving to him before, almost like the sand on the beach but now each step made him nervous and forced a shudder down his spine.

_Because you're scared._

Hyungwon imagined that it wasn’t him, that it was a different person that walked all the way out of the house and towards the spot where a murderer was tied up and waiting to wake up. He was somebody who knew what he was doing and had experienced these situations countless times, it was nothing, a mere scratch on the things that usually happened to him. The way his fingers struggled to hold onto his shirt where he grabbed it told him that it wasn’t working.

_Why is it so difficult to be somebody else when Hoseok is involved? Why?_

When he reached the tree, the attacker was still lying on the ground in the position that Hoseok had left him in. Holding onto the kitchen rag that he took along, he carefully turned the muscular man and stuffed the rag inside his mouth. The attacker’s eyes were closed, but the face seemed familiar enough, somebody that Hyungwon had observed from far away before, on one of his trips. He knew the habits of these people inside out and he had to make sure the police had something to work with, something that was going to keep him and Hoseok safe.

Next, he pulled down the back of the man's black vest and looked for an identifying tattoo, humming when he saw it and his suspicions were confirmed. One person wasn't the end of it, no matter whether this one was caught or not.

_They are merciless, and you made them furious._

After looking through the man's pockets he was surprised that he didn't find any poison. That meant that the people wanting him dead had been convinced of success. They didn’t have any doubts that a single man was going to be enough to get him, overpower him and kill him.

_And they would have been right if Hoseok hadn’t been there._

Hyungwon stared at the attacker’s face, trying to comprehend if he was really awake or experiencing a nightmare he didn’t know he had. The grass felt too real against his knees and the wind that ruffled up his hair smelled like trees and forest and the air was dry compared to Barcelona. He was really in Madrid and somebody had tried to kill him, hurting Hoseok in the process.

_They found you no matter how much you were trying to hide._

Hyungwon had played with the thought before and considered it a possibility, that was one of the reasons he didn’t tell anybody who he was, at least not without several half-truths and full-blown lies. Hoseok was the only one who knew his real name apart from the people he worked with. There had been signs, a threatening letter that reached one of his contacts and Hyungwon had even been reckless and threw it away in his real apartment, confirming every suspicion that those people might have had. He had considered it meaningless.

_You naively believed that they wouldn't find you._

He swallowed and stepped back as soon as he was done, breathing heavily because he didn't feel in control of the situation and he hated that feeling. He couldn't be sure what was going to happen and if they had a plan B, if after a few hours another attempt would begin, and his presence alone was a danger to Hoseok.

_They rarely attack alone, you know because you wrote about it._

Instead of wasting time, he hurried back into the house and looked for his phone. The number he dialled wasn't saved into it, but he knew it by heart for cases like this one. When the call connected there was no voice, only silence on the other end. Another layer of security.

"It's me," he whispered and held onto the phone with all his strength. "Somebody attempted to stab me, and another person got hurt."

"Shit, tell me where you are right now. I'll bring a doctor along. How bad is it?" The man on the other line sounded anxious, mirroring the way his voice sounded.

"It's a cut on his arm, seems deep and he lost a lot of blood. But don't send an ambulance and he needs to stay here. He- he wouldn't want to leave this place or have other people here." Hyungwon knew that he sounded ridiculous putting constraints onto a police man who was going to keep him safe and help Hoseok, but he knew that Hoseok wouldn't have wanted too many intruders or to wake up in an unfamiliar hospital room.

_What if it's one of his nightmares?_

"What? You don't make any sense, but fine, we'll be two people maximum. Send me the coded address and I'll be there in half an hour." The call ended and Hyungwon realised that he had been holding his breath throughout.

After sending the coded message, he ran to the guest bedroom to check on Hoseok again. He was relieved when air grazed his fingers as he held them under the round nose.

_The doctor will help him. He'll be fine and then you won't endanger him anymore, you won't. This isn't a dance on the grass, Hyungwon._

A bitter smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he didn’t allow it to appear. Now it seemed ridiculous that he had wanted to dance with Hoseok on the grass, show him what it felt like against his soles. The same grass that the other man had kneeled on next to him because he was hurt and bleeding from a stab wound.

_And still he worried about you the most. He saved your life, Hyungwon._

Hyungwon hated himself for being so reckless, for travelling to Madrid right after getting a letter. They must have found his notes on Hoseok and figured out the address from his real name, using their official contacts that the police hadn't been able to arrest yet.

_They wanted to kill you before you reveal any more of what you know. They wanted to, but Hoseok stopped them. Even though he kept telling you to leave and wanted to send you away, he stopped them._

Kneeling on the cold tiles, Hyungwon didn't know what to do with himself, how to calm the adrenaline in his veins and how to stop being scared about Hoseok's well-being. All of it was his fault and even though it clearly was Hoseok had tried to make him believe that it wasn’t.

_He was apologizing for scaring you. How the fuck do you even deserve a person like that?_

When checking the slow exhales wasn't nearly enough, he lay down next to Hoseok on the floor and rested his head close to the other man's chest, listening to his heartbeat. It sounded steady and listening to it gave Hyungwon strength. It seemed unbothered by what had happened and by the mistakes that Hyungwon had made.

Lying on the bathroom tiles in a white shirt covered in blood and the man he had fallen in love with hurt in his arms, Hyungwon understood once again why he had to remain an empty canvas, a shell with no content to fill it.

_Because being next to you hurts._

_

Exhaustion had caught up with him, but Hyungwon only tried to run faster. Thinking about what happened only slowed him down and scared him, made him glance outside the full-sized windows to check if anybody else had come to hurt him, to hurt Hoseok. Rationally he knew that those men were after him and not Hoseok, but that was the reason for having to keep the other man safe and leave as quickly as possible.

_Hoseok asked you not to leave, but it is the situation, isn’t it? He doesn’t know that you are the reason he got hurt._

The house felt empty again now that the doctor and Antonio had left, but Hyungwon still remembered the police man’s glances as he tried to occupy himself with making coffee, wiping blood off the floors or simply staring at a wall or at Hoseok. Hyungwon had been trying to stop thinking and Antonio must have been concerned about him.

_He had a lot of reasons, didn’t he? You looked like shit and you probably still do._

Hyungwon hadn’t slept throughout the night, living off the coffee he had kept making and his remaining adrenaline. His eyes were swollen, and his hands turned rough from the constant washing, almost obsessive because he felt like there was still Hoseok’s blood covering them. Thankfully, the mirrors in the bathroom were painted black and Hyungwon was spared the sight of his own face.

_Maybe he will want you to leave again, realizing that your hands were stained with his blood._

His chest was still covered by the white shirt he had found in Hoseok’s closet and decided to wear because he had felt nostalgic. Nostalgic and desperate to pull a reaction out of the other man. It seemed ironic now.

_Now it’s stained in red, just like the blank canvases that Hoseok loves to paint on in blood-red. Is this what he will think now as well? That he stained you?_

Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the thought and he made his way towards Hoseok. The other man was lying on his bed, looking so peaceful that Hyungwon struggled to believe it. The artist had been unconscious countless times, but the sedative that the doctor injected into his veins calmed his features and made him seem peacefully asleep. Hyungwon wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible, as long as was necessary for Hoseok to recover and realize that having Hyungwon next to him was a death sentence. He sat down at the edge of the bed and let his fingers travel over the gauze bandage below which stitches were hidden.

_You couldn’t have done any of this on your own._

Antonio had asked so many questions, inquiring about why he was in Madrid, how the murderer had managed to find him, why Hoseok was the one who got hurt in the end. Hyungwon hadn’t been able to answer them all. He never spoke the truth completely, not even to the Spanish Police.

_But you didn’t tell a lie either. You only stared at him and tried to keep your hands from shaking._

How could he have explained that he had been reckless and endangered somebody because of his own feelings and immature decision making? He should have remembered his profession, the sacrifices that came along with it. Just because nothing ever happened before, didn’t mean that it wasn’t going to.

_And now it did._

It wasn’t long before 10 in the morning and even after Antonio and the doctor had left, Hyungwon hadn’t dared to sleep. He remained next to Hoseok, observing him while thinking too much, overthinking everything he had done throughout the night and whether it was nearly enough. He was scared, but not for himself. He was the one who chose his profession and followed it blindly, jumping from one risky situation into the next. It was what he lived for, but Hoseok hadn’t made that choice. The artist wanted to remain alone in his house, in his art studio in which he painted one picture of the gallery after the next. Hyungwon had to leave in order to enable Hoseok to continue the way he had all those years, before he came and began scratching on that door out of curiosity.

_Hyunwoo is going to come and be able to help him. He doesn’t need to endanger himself further by being next to you._

Hyungwon chuckled, because what was the point of eating properly and drinking enough if one ended up getting stabbed in the end? It was ridiculous that he had acted on his desire to go to Madrid, to resolve a misunderstanding, but ended up staying instead. His self-control had been better than that and now he could feel the result of it against his fingertips.

_You’re doing fucking amazing, Hyungwon. You’re real boyfriend material, huh?_

“What are you?” the low voice pulled him out of his attempts to stop thinking, be busy, do anything, just to not deal with what had happened a few hours ago. “What are you, Hyungwon?”

He jerked in shock and pulled his hands away, scared that he might have hurt the other man unconsciously, applying too much pressure because of his thoughts.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, ignoring the question and chewing on his cheek. He wanted to be composed once again, somebody who didn’t care about what had happened and only did what he had to, but it didn’t fucking work. Hoseok’s black eyes were able to see right through, even without the artist saying anything every damn time.

"No. You didn't. I hurt myself and it's me who keeps hurting you no matter what I do. I… I heard some of the talking from the people who were here thinking that I slept. You're not a reporter, so what are you?" Hoseok's curved lips moved slowly, but the words were spoken clearly. The artist didn't seem scared or dizzy at all.

_How is he so composed after getting stabbed?_

Hyungwon couldn’t understand. Everybody else would have been terrified, begging to make it stop, maybe even for him to leave already so they wouldn’t have to deal with such situations anymore.

_Not many people love the thrill and you thought Hoseok was surely not one of them._

He wasn’t surprised by Hoseok pretending to be asleep and hearing some of the conversations. The artist was surprisingly good at picking up cues and figuring out the truth. That is how he had found Hyungwon’s apartment after all, even without the hints that Hyungwon provided.

_You won’t be able to hide the truth from him much longer, but you also mustn't let him get involved. No more than he already is by being next to you._

“Somebody who tends to make nasty people very upset, which is why I’m not the best company,” he muttered and grabbed the glass that he had placed on the night table, ready for Hoseok to drink as soon as he woke up. “Hyunwoo should be here soon.”

"You didn't suddenly become a person who tends to make nasty people upset, so it must be something that I did. Something that was bad enough to turn a confession with a strong wish to stay into the wish to run from me, as far as possible." Hoseok chuckled and tried to use his hurt arm to sit up, but quickly realized that it hurt, using the left one instead. The blonde hair was messy and Hoseok still looked incredibly pale, staring at him without blinking. "I'm sorry that I hurt you."

_How can he give himself the fault for things that weren't his to control?_

"You didn't," he murmured before getting louder, realizing that his frustrations were catching up with him and Hoseok had the ability to pull his feelings to the surface. "You didn't because _I_ hurt _you_. Why can't you see that? The guy came to kill _me_ and if I hadn't been here, next to you, you wouldn't have gotten stabbed! How is this in any way your fault?"

_He saved you, he fucking saved you and blames himself anyway._

He inhaled sharply and focused on the glass in his hand that was shaking. "You should drink, you lost a lot of blood."

_Some of it is still covering your shirt. Why didn't you change?_

Maybe he wanted to remind himself that he couldn't just return to how things were, just because he wanted to.

_You’re so good at letting go usually, why do his words push right where it hurts?_

"I made you upset because I pushed you away, too scared of my own pain and of the fact that you still know the spot you scratched open, so you sat there and watched me instead of sleeping. The only reason I was able to fight him is because you fed me like a nurse because I'm not fucking able to do it myself, so why would you be at fault? Because he wanted to kill you? How the fuck is that your fault, Hyungwon? There's no reason, nothing you could've done to make it okay. Look at yourself! You look terrified. You look guilty. I hate it." Shifting on the bed, Hoseok threw the blanket to the side and moved to sit next to him, coming close enough to feel the warm breaths as he used his healthy hands to carefully pull the stained shirt from his shoulders. "You must be so scared, I'm so sorry."

_He pushed you away and you didn’t listen, forgetting that you are endangering somebody along with yourself._

“I’m not scared,” he whispered, but it was a lie. He was scared, partially for himself because for the first time they found him, but mostly for the other man who had gotten hurt because of him. “It is my fault that he wanted to kill me, because I provoked them. _I_ did. There is nothing that you did for which you should have gotten hurt the way you did. You-”

Hyungwon swallowed and stared at the floor, examining the stained shirt that was lying there now. He had needed it to remember, but now that it was lying there at his feet it all seemed to be a bad dream. One that he really wanted to wake up from. “You should drink.”

"No," Hoseok whispered and reached for his wrist, stroking his arm all the way to his shoulder and neck, warm fingers curling around it and sinking into his hair. "I can smell fear, I can feel it even before I know that I'm scared and because I know it so well. I don't believe you and I don't want to drink either. I want you to come here..."

_Don’t go._

“But-” Hyungwon looked at his own thighs, naked as he sat on the bed with Hoseok’s linen pants covered thighs next to him. They were close, but he couldn’t help wanting to be closer. Why was Hoseok so affectionate again? Why did the other man pull him in right when Hyungwon realized that he should have been putting distance between them. “Aren’t I here?” he whispered and dared to look up again. Hoseok’s eyes took his breath away. “I’m sitting next to you. Where else do you want me?”

"Closer. Come closer to me, so I can feel you. Come here, Hyungwon," the low voice breathed out as the warm hand continued to rake through his messy hair and trace the tip of his ear.

Hyungwon felt like he couldn’t breathe, stuck in between what he should have done and what he wanted to do. Why was Hoseok suddenly so affectionate, able to pull him in like this even though the other man had been pushing him away?

“I thought you wanted me to leave,” he whispered, but his body moved closer on its own, letting their thighs touch and causing goose bumps to spread over his whole body. “I thought you wanted your friend to drive me back to Barcelona.”

_Why is it so hard to leave? Why can’t you walk away from this?_

Hyungwon always did, but now it seemed so difficult. His limbs appeared to be made of lead unless he moved them closer towards Hoseok, let his right hand carefully stroke over the other man’s thigh.

"I thought you wanted to stay, I thought you said you aren't going to leave," Hoseok said, low voice resulting in another wave of goose bumps that travelled along his arms. "I have no idea about anything, apart from the fact that I don't want you to leave and that I want you to come here. Come closer, Hyungwon. Come here and… come here and touch me."

_But… why now?_

Hyungwon gasped and even though he shouldn’t have, he let his hands travel from Hoseok’s thighs up to his shoulders and used the grip to climb on top of the artist’s lap, hands cupping the pale face. Hoseok had just woken up after getting stitches and being sedated and still here he was, sitting on top of the other man’s lap and unable to stay away.

“Why?” he whispered, but his lips had already begun to place kisses on the warm neck and along the delicate collarbones.

Hoseok gasped and flinched briefly, before using his healthy hand to pull him closer, letting their naked chests touch and send pleasant shivers down his spine. The curved lips were right below his ear, kissing him as the other man nibbled on his ear lobe and let out a shaky exhale. "Because I want to act as if I can make any of it better."

_He’s not acting. Acting doesn’t change anything, but this-_

“You are,” he murmured and regretted it instantly, because it meant that he didn’t want to leave, he didn’t want to be on his own in his small apartment and inhale the ocean air. Just like the red rope, Hoseok had managed to wrap around him and the more time they spent together, the less able Hyungwon was to resist. Something was different about this time, different than the times he was able to walk away from his feelings.

Hoseok lifted his head and looked right into his eyes, as if he was searching for something important, something that would determine his next actions. Instead of words, there was a smile, gorgeous and so much more beautiful than he could remember, replacing every memory that he had and making his whole body tingle from the overflow of emotions.

"You're so beautiful," Hoseok whispered finally and leaned in. He could almost feel the warmth, the soft exhale against his lips as his eyes fluttered shut, but then, a sound of the door falling into the lock forced them open, staring in shock.

"Is this a goodbye kiss? Why are you here? Don't you usually disappear somewhere if I have to pick somebody up?" Hyunwoo walked through the living room without a single hint of shame before his eyes widened and he pointed at Hoseok's arm. "Holy fuck. Why is there blood on your arm? What happened? Why is that shirt full of blood? You look like death, Hoseok. What's going on?"

_This is the wake-up call you expected, isn’t it?_

Hyungwon took a deep breath before plastering a smile on his lips, the one that Hyunwoo knew him for. Climbing off Hoseok’s lap, he tried not to latch on to the fact that he still felt the other man’s lips against his own. The clothes he was supposed to wear hung in Hoseok’s closet, the ones he had come in. Now Hyungwon was glad that he hadn’t thrown them away, thinking of using it as an excuse to stay before.

_Now you have to hold onto every reason to leave that there is._

“He got hurt because of me, so you should put me into your car and make sure I don’t leave it before Barcelona,” he remarked and chuckled as he slipped into his grey jeans and put on his own white shirt, free from bloody stains.

"That's bullshit," Hoseok whispered and stood up, shaky on his feet and holding onto one of the glass panes as he watched him.

"What the fuck happened, Hoseok? Did I ruin the mood? Sorry, but you said 10 and it's 10 and your arm is bleeding." Hyunwoo walked to Hoseok and glanced at the other man before reaching for his arm and unwrapping the soaked bandage followed by a variation of curses. "How are you supposed to paint? You can't even move it properly! Did he stitch it? Hoseok talk to me."

"No," the other man whispered, eyes still focused on him. When he was completely dressed and turned around, ready to leave, he saw Hoseok sitting next to the big plant, face buried in his knees and Hyunwoo who was trying to put a new bandage on him, but he didn't step closer.

"Fuck my life," Hyunwoo muttered, before turning to him. "Let's go."

_You can’t leave him like this, Hyungwon._

“No,” he whispered and made his way over to Hoseok, kneeling next to him and wrapping his arms around him as well as he could. He knew that he shouldn’t have, that he was making it worse by holding onto the other man like that, but somehow, he knew that it was one of those moments he couldn’t just leave. His mind was playing Hoseok’s request repeatedly, when he asked him not to leave before fainting. There had been something desperate to it and Hyungwon felt it all over again.

_As if you are breaking something as soon as you walk through that door. Breaking him._

“Shh,” he murmured into Hoseok’s ear, not sure what he wanted to achieve. “I’m not going anywhere. How could I go if… if I didn’t even make all those things that I filled the fridge for, right? You also still need to drink, and you didn’t dance with me on the grass even though I wanted to show you what it’s like, right?” He babbled, everything that came to mind while holding on tighter to keep his hands from shaking.

"I knew that it would happen. I knew that if I opened the door you would want to leave. I knew it but I still did. I still did and now it's too late and you don't even know," the other man whispered, not lifting his head and shoulders shaking.

_Too late? It can't be, Hyungwon._

"He asked me to take you, so I guess I will have to. I have no idea what's going on with you two, but that's definitely not healthy." Hyunwoo placed a hand on his shoulder and shook him a bit.

“I can’t leave him like this, Hyunwoo. I can’t,” he replied and only tightened his embrace. Hoseok wasn’t making any sense. It sounded as if the other man wasn’t even speaking to him but rather repeating thoughts that were in his head, murmuring them like a prophecy.

_He thinks that you are leaving because you saw the gallery._

“I’m not leaving because I opened the door, Hoseok. I wanted to leave because you opened mine. You- you got stabbed for fuck’s sake. Aren’t you scared?” Hyungwon held his breath because his eyes burned and that was a bad sign. He wasn’t alone with Hoseok, there was another person that couldn’t get involved with all of this. Antonio hadn’t given him an update yet, he couldn’t be sure if it was safe, if being next to him was safe.

_It can't be. It was never safe in the first place._

"You say that I opened yours, but I don't see anything apart from your fear and I can't make it better. I hope they come back and stab me properly. Then you won't have to be afraid anymore. They know my address. I'll just stay here until they come," Hoseok whispered, fingers white from wrapping around his knees and pushing into the flesh.

_You can't leave him alone like this, you mustn't._

"Someone stabbed you? Why would somebody stab you, Hoseok?" The tall man was standing next to them and observed the whole thing, looking suspicious.

_You can't pull him into this as well._

"They won't come unless I'm here, don't you understand?" Hyungwon struggled to explain it properly, shaking stupidly instead of being strong. He hated being the reason for Hoseok feeling this way. "They came for me and as long as I'm not around, you're safe. Don't you want to be safe, Hoseok?"

_Why can't you play a role that knows how to handle this? Why doesn't the real you know what to do?_

“You're a fool. I’ve never felt safe in my life. Not even once, so I have no idea what you’re talking about. I may be dumb, but I know for sure that if somebody interferes with their plans, they are added on the black list. I choked that guy and you know that he didn’t look very friendly. They know exactly where to find me and my house is a literal window, so he can just break through and come in. I can show him some of my paintings and he can finally paint my last demon on the canvas. Pretty, in red.” Hoseok reached for his arm and pushed his finger into the wound making it bleed before reaching for the back of his right hand and drawing on it. “I suck when it’s the left hand or it's ugly because my hand is inked. Or I suck in general.”

_Holy shit, what is he doing?_

Hyungwon felt nauseated and had to look away, staring at the floor instead. His heartbeat hammered in his ears and he felt transported to last night, to the moment Hoseok fainted in his arms from blood loss and adrenaline.

_He'll get hurt, no matter what you do._

"Don't- don't hurt yourself, please," he breathed out and didn't know what to do, how to act to make it right. Keeping Hoseok safe seemed right and Hyungwon had done everything to achieve that, making sure Antonio took the attacker along and didn't give him the chance to report to his higher ups. Hyungwon had done everything apart from staying away from the artist. "I lied. I'm scared. I'm fucking scared of you getting hurt, Hoseok. I expected to get hurt at some point but seeing how you took a knife for me terrifies me, because I don't want to lose you. You don't fucking suck and I won't let anybody fill your gallery. Especially not myself."

“We had this discussion about self-hatred before, didn’t we? Do you know why I know that it’s me? It’s so easy. I know that it’s my fault because it’s a rule that as soon as I love someone they leave. I try not to, I isolate myself and stay in the gallery and as soon as I turn the key and push the handle the person I wanted to see the most leaves and all the regret and hate comes in before I manage to close it again. And my ruminating tells me I just need to paint it because then it will leave, but it doesn’t. What if I’m not using the right paint?” Hoseok stared at his bloody fingers, before the black eyes glanced up first at him then at Hyunwoo. “Leave.”

_You've been sending the wrong message, you've made a mistake, Hyungwon._

His eyes widened and instead of breathing in and using the way out Hoseok was giving him, Hyungwon knew that he couldn't leave, not now and not ever.

_He's not somebody you can leave like that and you don't want to, you don't want to do it._

"I won't. Want to know how I know?" He smiled because he used Hoseok's words again, holding onto the other man tightly even though he had just told him to leave. "It's a rule that as soon as I'm told of a rule that has no exceptions, I'm going to make one and I'm going to break it. Every person that you fell in love with left? Well, I'm not going to. I'm not going anywhere."

_You wanted to leave to keep him safe, but it's not going to save him, nothing can except you._

“It’s just a matter of time. Leave, but leave quickly.” Hoseok glanced at his arm, drop of blood traveling down to his elbow.

“Listen- Hoseok, should I maybe call your mom?” Hyunwoo asked carefully before the black eyes looked at him with so much fury that he stepped back.

“Don’t you dare,” Hoseok hissed, trying to free himself from his embrace. “I know I asked you to come, so please… take him and leave.”

“I’m sorry. I said I will, but this is not something I can solve, so call me again when you’ve solved it. Let’s talk about the exhibition later then and call me if you need help. I’m here.” Hoseok’s friend stepped closer, squeezing the pale shoulder briefly before simply leaving. Just like that.

_You could have never left him like this, even if another person was there to help him._

Hyungwon should have laughed at his own thoughts considering that only moments ago he had thought of leaving Hoseok in Hyunwoo's hands because he thought the artist would be safer with his friend.

_He thinks that you want to leave him voluntarily. This isn't a drama in which you can decide to leave only to come back after a bit of heartache._

"I'm not leaving," he murmured and tightened his grip, struggling because Hoseok was stronger, even with a hurt arm.

For a few minutes it was completely silent around them. All windows were closed, so the sound of the birds was muffled by the thick glass. The man in his arms kept still, he didn’t try to escape or to go anywhere, his limbs hung limp at his sides and when Hyungwon lifted his gaze he could see that Hoseok was crying.

_Oh no, what have you done?_

His eyes widened and at first, he didn't know what to do, hands twitching because they wanted to act, but didn't know how.

"Hoseok," he whispered and carefully loosened his embrace to cup the pale face, feeling the warm tears run over his fingers only to drop on Hoseok's knees. "I'm so sorry, Hoseok. I'm so sorry for deciding to leave. I didn't want to, but I'm a dangerous person to be with. You might be hurt staying next to me, is that okay with you for the sake of my company? Is it worth getting stabbed for?"

The sight of Hoseok's tears made his own eyes burn and Hyungwon glanced up at the ceiling to hold back. He hadn't wanted to be the reason for Hoseok's misery, but here he was hurting the other man all over again.

"I'm fucking terrible," he murmured and chuckled bitterly. "I kept telling you that I won't hurt you anymore but look at this. First you get stabbed and then I even tried to leave you to make you feel safe. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just scared. I've never been this desperate, this unable to control my own emotions. I should be home in my apartment staring at your paintings and suffering, but I want to be next to you instead. Please don't send me away."

“I must’ve scared you enough for you to change your mind. I guess in the end I'm scarier than those people,” the low voice whispered, lips barely moving, and gaze not focused on anything in particular as tears kept flowing down the pale cheeks without a break.

"You being hurt is scarier than those guys," he whispered in reply, feeling a tear make its way down his own cheek. He wanted to help Hoseok somehow, but he felt helpless. His words were caressing a wall instead of the man in his arms, unable to get through. "I don't want you to be hurt, but I don't know how to reach it. I thought leaving would keep you safe, but you're still bleeding. I- I love you so fucking much, but it's not enough."

_It's not enough to help his pain._

Hoseok closed his eyes, tears making their way towards the round chin. “I’m sorry for saying all that instead of thinking it. Now you feel like you can’t leave, but good people leave me for a reason. It’s because I don’t change, because I can’t give them what they need, because I keep myself inside the gallery, so the people around don’t have to see the nightmares, so that they can keep living their lives carelessly without being bothered by the mess that is me. You were about to get hurt, but you’re here thinking about me and my meaningless wound even though you’re the one who was shocked and so scared that I can still remember your face because I’ve never seen it before. This is not about me. This is about you, so please- do what you feel like. Leave if you want to leave. You made your decision.”

Hyungwon's lips trembled as he realized once again that words were meaningless to Hoseok. They could have been lies or not, it didn't matter. The way the artist viewed himself couldn't be changed no matter how often Hyungwon said the opposite, promised to stay or swore on his ability to keep Hoseok away from harm. All of it was lies to Hoseok because even if they were the truth, he still couldn't believe them.

_He will always give himself the fault, even if it isn't._

"You say that you're a mess?" he murmured and moved closer, trying to catch Hoseok's gaze that seemed so far away. "I love that mess. You hear me? I love that mess, and the gallery that belongs to it and I'm not leaving."

Sliding his hands from Hoseok's cheeks down to his shoulders and around the other man's neck, Hyungwon leaned in and began to cover the pale face with kisses, tasting the salty tears on his lips.

_You can say that you care countless times, but why would you be so close if you detest him?_

“When I was sleeping I had a dream. It wasn’t a nightmare this time. This time it was just me and the guy that I tied up after he attacked you. He told me that they would leave you alone forever and you would never have to be scared again if I would agree to get stabbed and I’ve never felt happier in my life. Because suddenly there was something positive about being alive because I could use it to make it better for you. But then I woke up. I woke up and you were scared, you wanted to leave, and I didn’t let you. I felt so much contempt when I thought that you wanted to expose my private life, but now I just feel sorry. I just feel sorry that you’ve met me. I feel sorry for you, Hyungwon. I'm sorry that you met me”

"You saved me." Hyungwon thought about how to reply and to show Hoseok that his fear wasn't caused by the other man, but that it was his absence, his possible death that scared him the most. "You rejected me, but when I was in danger you didn't even think about it. You just- you just got hurt in order to save me. Nobody ever did something like that for me, Hoseok. Nobody even knows me the way you do, knows my facial expressions or my real name. I'm happy that I met you because you make me feel like more than an empty canvas."

_Like more than what you are._

He continued kissing Hoseok's face, letting his lips taste the tears and trace the smooth jaw. Only when their eyes met briefly, and he had Hoseok's attention, he dared to let their lips meet for a brief moment. "I wanted to leave because I thought staying would mean your death. I'm not sure if you know this feeling, I didn't know it either. But right then, when I woke up and saw him stab that knife into your arm… I've never been that scared to lose somebody as I was at that moment."

“I'm not scared of death, but I just couldn’t let him take away your smile. You looked so scared and it hurt so much that you had to experience it. I didn’t want you to, but I couldn’t do anything. I’m so sorry.” Suddenly there was a sound as Hoseok buried his face in the crook of his neck and spread his knees before using his healthy arm to pull him flush against his body. “I can’t allow anything bad to happen to you. I can't.”

"What if I feel the same way about you?" he whispered in reply and stroked over the blonde hair, feeling so relieved that he didn't have the option of leaving anymore, that there was just him and Hoseok in the glass house surrounded by trees and the scent of flowers and paint. "What are we supposed to do then?"

“It’s easy. If you feel the same way, I only have to close my eyes and wait until you leave, but…” the low voice whispered before Hoseok leaned back and the black eyes met his. “But you are still here.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly and as he looked back at the other man he couldn't help but smile, grateful that Hoseok had begun to doubt, that he found the wrong piece in the puzzle he attempted to solve.

"Have I ever left when you told me to?" he asked and traced Hoseok's lips with his fingertips. "Why would I start now?"

“Because I begged you not to leave me and you were about to.” The artist stared at him with that gaze that stayed no matter how many seconds ticked by, forcing him to hold it.

"Do you think I wanted to?" Hyungwon let his fingers travel down to Hoseok's neck and drew patterns above his collarbones. "Look at me the way you do now and tell me, when I sat on your lap and kissed you, do you think I wanted to leave?"

“But the important thing is the outcome. Does it matter if I wanted you to leave or not if I kept telling you to? If I got somebody to pick you up? If I hurt you only because I was scared to change my mind? Only to make you desperate enough to fall asleep at that tree. Fuck. I’m so sorry, Hyungwon. I was scared that I would love you even more, that I wouldn’t be able to do anything and get more and more hurt when you left because everybody leaves.”

_He was trying to protect himself, but can you blame him? Had you not seen his hurt, you might have destroyed his art without blinking, publishing the truth for the world to see._

"What did all those people see that made them leave?" Hyungwon asked and pressed a careful kiss against Hoseok's lips, enjoying it too much to pull away. "Was it the gallery, the nightmares? Don't you see that those things only pulled me towards you, made me want to scratch more and pull more of you from the depths? I like what I found, even if nobody else does."

_You love what you found, the man who makes you seem so tender, paints you with the softest features and saves you while risking his own life._

“I don’t think it was something specific. I think it was just me.” Hoseok licked tears from his lips and inhaled deeply. “It’s easy I think. I was so afraid that you would leave, that I wouldn’t find you, that I just said what I thought, and you got scared, so now I just hate myself more. I’ll try to show you that you can leave without being scared.”

_But there is nothing you can say to prove him wrong. It's true that you got scared and stayed because you understood the consequences, how much it would destroy him and that it's worse than the wound on his arm._

"You said it is a rule, didn't you? The rule that everybody you love leaves you in the end. I also have a rule, one that I must follow since I started doing what I do. It's a rule to never reveal myself to anybody, to not have personal relationships, to not love anybody." Hyungwon pressed his lips together because he had broken his rule so many times because of Hoseok and each time was more intense than the one before. "You keep making me break it and I couldn't resist. I came all the way here because I wanted to see you and be next to you. But- seeing you be attacked… I remembered why I have that rule. But I'm still unable to follow it, because it's to protect the people that I care about. You're safer with me next to you, aren't you?"

_You're desperate, aren't you? Hoping for him to say yes, so you have an excuse, a reason to stay next to him even though you shouldn't._

Hoseok still didn't know what he was doing, why it was dangerous to be next to him. By not saying anything, Hyungwon was taking Hoseok's choice to be next to him or not, to stay safe or to endanger himself for the sake of being with him.

“My mind is the least safe place to be. You can’t scare me,” Hoseok whispered in reply and lifted both hands even though it must’ve hurt a lot as he cupped his face and leaned forward, kissing him softly, lips resembling warm, thick clouds that enveloped his own.

Hyungwon trembled in response, unable to control it as he had been yearning for the affectionate touch so much, for the way Hoseok kissed him in the middle of the night when he woke up.

_The way he kissed you today when he told you not to leave._

"Then maybe…" he began and swallowed, feeling his heartbeat hammering in his ears. After all this time he was scared, scared of letting himself be next to another person, of turning them into a point of attack to harm him. "I'm not safe either, but- but maybe I'll be able to pull you away from what's haunting you, even if just for a moment."

"I don't know," the low voice whispered, sounding so desperate suddenly. "I don't know, Hyungwon, but please don't leave."

Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut and focused on the way those curved lips touched his, on the sounds outside the thick glass windows, the wind that was blowing and the scent of paint that surrounded him. Being next to Hoseok felt right, as right as stepping on the sand at night did.

"I won't," he whispered and held onto Hoseok with as much strength as he could muster. "I won't leave you, Hoseok."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 13**

_How the tables have turned. Or were you ever sitting next to each other in the first place?_

Hoseok had waited until Hyungwon took a long shower, before climbing into the tub to take a bath to calm down. The water wasn’t as cold as he was used to, and he kept his arm dry like Hyungwon asked him to. That was the least that he could do in this situation.

_You’re holding onto the things that you’re able to do and distract yourself from the ones that you can’t._

Instead of resolving everything and getting the punishment that he deserved, he simply soaked in the cool water and stared at the red tiles that resembled the blood that he washed from his stained hand and his fingers.

_You drew on yourself with your own blood and now he’s too scared to leave._

The thing was that he would’ve done anything to make Hyungwon stay, to prevent him from leaving, but then again, only when he had a breakdown, ready to accept and to be left once again, the other man said he wouldn’t. He was a fake, pitying himself and talking about his fear of abandonment instead of clearing things up. Saying that it was his fault.

_He even said that he wanted to distract you from the things that are haunting you._

_Like that tattoo._

Wasn't it interesting how everything suddenly changed? He had been in control of the situation. After having decided to leave, he had done so well, not dancing on the grass even though his muscles were ready to sprint, to wrap around Hyungwon’s waist, dance with him for as long as the other man wanted to, but he didn’t. He stayed strong, true to his decision and pulled himself away from the only person that mattered to him, from the only existence that made him feel like it was okay to exist. Hyungwon mattered so much that it hurt to think about having to let go, but that was his life and now… now…

_Now you are the liar._

Inhaling deeply, he sunk under the surface, listening to his slow heartbeat that crawled up his ears like a slug, reminding him of the fact that he was still alive and that having a heartbeat or breathing wasn’t necessarily a sign that one was real. It was worse even. One could die a painful death so many times without a way out, knowing that it could happen again and again and still be unable to change or to do anything against it. Just like that he sunk into the cool water, but he didn’t experience the lack of sound and his own perception as a distraction as he usually would have. Instead, it was like a concentrated sea of undeniable facts that he sank into, regrets and unsolvable issues, trauma that tried to reach the surface. He made it easy for the trauma by simply going down for it to take over.

_He had the same tattoo, Hoseok. They came for you. Did he decide to take the one thing that matters the most to you? Him?_

It explained why the guy didn’t kill him even if he had the opportunity to. They knew the place of the mission, where they were going, they always did, and it’s been a year. He must’ve been angry that Hoseok didn’t come to visit him in detention and never called after he was out, but there was no reason. Their relationship was an unfortunate one. Like his birth must’ve been a mistake by the universe, there was no need to keep any connection with what made him suffer through the years. Right?

_Just that it’s never that easy, is it? You don’t want to have anything to do with it, but can you escape it? You can’t. It’s engraved in your body, on your skin, somewhere in your gaze, the way you still can’t take it if anybody goes inside the gallery because it’s full of remnants of that time._

The last time Hoseok had seen his father was eleven years ago. He could still remember it. He was put into a car and driven to the place where he and the other guys usually met up, in the outskirts of Madrid. He just turned 18 and was asked to do something for them.

_He won’t forget that you refused. He’s not somebody who forgets anything. And now you have something to lose and it’s so clear._

He thought it was enough to remove himself from everything, to live a different life, to paint his demons and not be possessed by them, to limit any human contact to not hurt anybody and only be close with very specific and clear rules, but here he was. Falling in love without a single rule, unable to resist, unable to change anything about himself, forcing Hyungwon to stay next to him because he was scared that he could lose him even though the other man had never been his in the first place, making everything worse, unable to trust, unable to let go and unable to breathe...breathe…

_Why don’t you breathe?_

He gasped as soon as his head lifted out of the water and panted loudly, sucking in the oxygen. One might have thought he was very desperate to live.

_You need to live to make sure nothing happens to him._

Hoseok bit on his lip and glanced at his bandaged arm that was soaked even though he had promised Hyungwon to keep it out of the water, but that’s how he was. He managed to fuck up, no matter how easy the task was.

_You can’t stay in here for too long. You know that they come around four, but what does it give you if you don’t even know what fucking day it is?_

Groaning, he pulled himself up, wincing at the pain in his arm and carefully stepping out of the tub, careful to not faint. This wasn’t going to work. The weak body, lack of exercise, sleep and proper food intake wasn’t going to do anything if the situation repeated itself and he would have to watch the most important person to him cease to exist in front of his eyes.

_You're not even being dramatic. You know how they are, and they’ll make you watch._

Wrapping the random towel he found around his hips, Hoseok hurried out to look for Hyungwon who was walking up and down in front of the stove, cooking something but looking nervous. As soon as he stepped on the parquet, the other man turned around and hurried over to him.

"Hoseok, you weren't supposed to-" Long fingers brushed over the wet bandage before letting go and wrapping around the wrist of his healthy arm instead. "Never mind. Let's take care of it. I'm not good at this, but I watched the doctor for a bit. Not the stitching though."

_He's so caring. As if you deserve to be cared about._

Hyungwon didn't meet his gaze as he led him to the bedroom and gestured for him to sit down before joining, thighs brushing briefly. "Let's warm you up and make sure it can heal well. You need to paint after all, right?"

_Paint…_

"I need you to be alive," he muttered, observing the immediate care, how the big eyes looked at him with so much worry and thought. How could anybody look at him that way? At someone like him?

"That feeling is mutual, so let's take care of this, okay? This and each other." Hyungwon smiled and reached for a package of bandages which he prepared to put around his cut before carefully removing the soaked fabric around his arm. "We should probably let it dry first. How are you feeling?"

_How are you feeling?_

He felt dizzy, useless, because he hadn’t managed to keep the bandage dry and scared, wanting to attach himself to Hyungwon’s chest, so they would stab him first, scared because he didn't know what all of it meant.

“Fine. I smelled too much like blood, I- don’t like that smell.” He spread his legs and turned sideways to have a better look at Hyungwon’s face. The handsome man looked focused, eyes big and observing the motions of the long fingers around his bicep.

_How much does he know?_

Thinking about the first time they met, it was clear that Hyungwon came with a mission, but what changed? Hoseok remembered the way the plump mouth was trembling when Hyungwon told him about the poison, all the things that didn’t make any sense to him because he had lost too much blood and couldn’t understand why Hyungwon was supposed to be hurt.

_Since he told you, it means he thinks that you don’t know anything about it. But why did he come to your house then?_

"Because of nosebleeds?" Hyungwon asked and smiled once again. It looked genuine, but not quite the way Hoseok knew it. It resembled a mixture of the smile he had seen Hyungwon use with Hyunwoo and the one he had observed himself when the two of them were alone. "I never minded much, but I know people that always freaked out because of them."

“I don’t like the smell of blood which is funny considering my obsession with red and the fact that I don't mind the scent of paint and solvent. You couldn't watch how I drew on my hands, so you must be squeamish about blood." He gave the other man a few moments before focusing his gaze on him and not leaving the handsome face for a second.

"Actually, I should be, but I guess I got lucky, until now." Hyungwon chuckled and began to wrap the new bandage around his arm now that the wound was dry. "But it's not about the blood, not really. It's rather the fact that you pressed down on the wound to make it bleed. Why… did you?"

"Because it felt like it was the only way for me to show you that it didn't matter to me. My thoughts are scary, and I can't handle it when people leave. That's why before… In Barcelona but also when you left for the first time, I wasn't there. I must've been scary, but if you thought that was scary and repulsive then maybe I shouldn't let you see the rest. In addition, I'm fake, but what's new." Hoseok moved his arm, feeling the burning and pulling before he lay on the bed, gaze still focused on Hyungwon's face. The black hair was almost dry, falling into the big eyes in soft curls and he barely held back from touching it.

"You're neither scary nor repulsive, not to me," Hyungwon murmured and as if to prove a point, the other man crawled on top of the bed and lay down next to him, head resting on his shoulder. "I've never experienced anybody leaving before, not- without me making them. What is it like?"

_Like a part of you dying._

He froze for a second, thinking about what it felt like when someone left. "It's a maximum shifting of dynamics where you're left completely helpless and unable to do anything to change the outcome. And then, in the second step, you understand that you were the reason for it and that you can only blame yourself. After some time has passed and you don't shiver and tremble thinking about it anymore, it feels painful, as if something is missing, but instead of feeling empty, it seems as if someone replaced the one thing you've been missing with more pain and guilt." Turning his head, Hoseok grinned. "Sounds like fun, right?"

Hyungwon's expression was different from what Hoseok had expected. He was waiting to see the usual pity that followed as soon as he said something even remotely true about the way he felt, but Hyungwon's face didn't express pity. The other man nodded slowly and reached for Hoseok's hair, brushing through it affectionately.

"It sounds the way your art feels," Hyungwon finally murmured and turned his head to look at the ceiling. "There was this painting once, you drew a hand reaching for a thread, or a rope. You painted it at night before covering it up. It felt like your words do right now."

_He can see it in your art and he can feel it._

"There's a funny story about that. I once wondered if I should stop painting things because they might just come true again and I asked myself whether I just added to a certain manifestation of events. I thought that and then I just painted birds for two weeks, but people still left and the pain still stayed. I said it because I was painting my fear of you leaving." Hoseok shifted carefully and turned to the side, not caring much about the towel that unwrapped and the fact that he hasn't dressed yet. "What would need to happen for you to leave?"

Hyungwon's eyes widened briefly and the plump lips remained pressed together for a few seconds, showing him the reactions that he had enjoyed observing over the time that Hyungwon had stayed with him in Madrid.

"I'd need to be sure that being next to me might kill you, that I'm risking your life without even giving you the choice to decide whether you want me to."

_But you're risking his._

"What if I told you that it's the other way around? That being next to me might hurt you? But when I think about it, you aren't safe away from me either because it's too late, so I can at least be next to you. I'm not a considerate person, not like you. I just don't want you to be hurt or scared because I know that it's my fault. Were you happier before meeting me?" Hoseok lifted his healthy hand and traced Hyungwon's round jaw with the tip of his index finger.

Suddenly, a bright smile spread the plump lips, so similar to the way Hyungwon smiled at night that it took his breath away. The handsome man shook his head.

"I wasn't," Hyungwon whispered and carefully stroked over his cheek. "What changed about my safety that you think I'm in danger now? I'm in danger either way, it's just that they never managed to find me before."

_He must really be working for the Spanish police._

Hoseok hummed, once again realising that there were things one couldn't simply run away from or paint away. There was only one detail that threw him off, namely that Hyungwon had seemed shocked and unable to act when he was attacked.

"Was that the first time you've ever been attacked?" he asked, carefully making his way into the life of another person, a person who didn't want guests around anymore than he did.

_You thought it was fine that he didn't share anything, but now you want to know because you're scared of what it means for you._

“Well-” Hyungwon looked a little uncomfortable and chewed on his cheek, probably realizing that Hoseok was getting closer to the truth, towards the truth that the other man was trying so hard to keep secret. “Yes... it’s the first time. I got threats before, but they never really resulted in anything. This time- this time was different.”

_Because they are different. They don't care about anything._

"Mhm. But you have friends at the police. I guess it's useful." Hoseok sighed, wondering how he ended up in this situation when he had done everything possible to prevent himself from being in the spotlight, from being seen, from giving the sign that he still existed somewhere with his ink covered hands that were only there to hold a brush and tie knots. "Do you think that I'm dangerous? Is that why you don't share? Or is it a habit? I'm not judging, I know trust issues more than I know anything else, so I understand. I was just wondering."

_Wondering how much he knows about your relatives._

“Whether you are dangerous?” Hyungwon smiled suddenly and brushed through his blonde hair, playing with the strands for a bit as he met his gaze for a few seconds. “To yourself maybe. I don’t share because I’m trying to keep other people from getting involved in something they might not want. Also, out of habit I guess. You’re the only person that knows my apartment. Well- and the guys that found your info there I assume. Fuck, I’ll have to move.”

_They’ll find him._

“Stay here,” he whispered, rolling on his back and pulling Hyungwon on top of himself. “We’re so much more alike than I thought. Both staying alone because we think that it’s better that way.”

Hyungwon didn’t reply, big eyes roaming over his face and lips. It seemed like the other man was contemplating what to reply before he simply leaned down and kissed him, keeping their lips connected for a few moments before leaning back just enough to be able to look at him.

“You live in a glass box. They’ll just kill us both.”

_They would’ve killed you 11 years ago, but it wasn’t necessary, so they didn’t._

“I do. Just don’t go outside to watch me, stay in the studio.” When his eyes met the big brown ones, he licked over his mouth, hands reaching for Hyungwon’s small face before stroking down his neck and shoulders. It felt strange to feel the fabric against his naked skin but he still liked it because it was Hyungwon. “Maybe I’m a bit slow, but… are you working for the police?”

“What?” Hyungwon laughed, eyes crinkling from how genuinely hilarious he must have thought Hoseok’s proposition to be. “Definitely not. Do I look like I work for the police? Shouldn’t I have a gun and shit? How about you tell me why you aren’t scared of a guy wanting to kill me and instead tell me to wait inside like a good boy while you do your rope magic?”

_So not the police. But what is he then?_

“Well, you were a bit shaken for somebody who expects gang members to kill him, but what was that with the poison and your police friends and that doctor?” Sitting up, he leaned closer, catching Hyungwon’s bottom lip with his teeth and pulling softly before letting go with a smile on his lips. “Of course, I was scared that he wanted to kill you. I can never let that happen, that’s why I can’t let you go.”

"Well, I am capable of protecting myself even if I don't look like it, but-" Hyungwon pursed his lips and hesitated briefly before smiling again. As usual the other man skilfully avoided answering his question while still revealing a little. "But there is a difference between being scared and helpless and being scared and knowing exactly what to do. You seem like you've done this before and I think I would hesitate to choke somebody because I don't know how long it's safe to. You seem to know pretty well."

_But you don’t hurt people. You’re not like him._

“I wouldn’t kill anybody,” he whispered before pressing his lips together. “I just didn’t want him to hurt you and he was very strong, too strong for me. I only managed because I took the rope along.” Averting his gaze, he focused on the back of his right hand that was covered in ink. It was like his paintings. Just because it was painted over, didn’t mean that there was nothing underneath.

The black ink suddenly disappeared as Hyungwon reached out and covered his hand with his own. The gesture returned his attention to the other man's face.

"I know," Hyungwon whispered and kissed his lips again. "I've seen it."

Shifting a little, the other man rested his head on top of his shoulder and buried his nose in the crook of his neck.

"Tell me, Hoseok. When did you start liking ropes and why?"

"I think it was when I realized that I could battle my trust issues that way. Due to some events in my childhood and also later, it's hard for me to trust that people won't hurt me, I don't know, so it has been very burdensome to be close to others even though I had the wish to be. At some point… there was a person who showed me how to tie someone up so they wouldn't be able to escape, but instead of learning what I was supposed to learn, I got interested in kinbaku and shibari and explored it as a way for me to be close without the need to trust and to let go of control. I'm really good at creating a sub space too." He waited until Hyungwon lifted his head to look at him and winked.

"Why would anybody teach you how to keep people from escaping, Hoseok?" Of course, Hyungwon held onto the one piece of information that contained more.

"I guess it was useful." Hoseok chuckled. "I mean, isn't it because people learn different things depending on the kind of environment they grow up in? I can tie people up, so they can't escape, but I can't ride a bike. Can you ride a bike?"

_You also know that kids aren't supposed to touch used needles._

"Ehm, sure," Hyungwon replied, looking surprised before he grinned suddenly. "How else would I pretend to be a newspaper delivery boy? I need some skills for pretence, but I can't pull off a doctor, so you better be careful with that arm."

Still smiling, the black-haired man stroked over the white bandage and sighed. "Your childhood must have sucked. I'm sorry, Hoseok. Do your parents know what you do? Mine think I'm a desperate writer living in Andalusia. It's for their own safety."

_A desperate writer?_

"I'm not sure if my childhood sucked. It was different. I guess it just sucked that I was born in general. Your writing is good for a 'desperate writer' though. I guess that's the difference between us. You're good, even if you pretend." He took some time to answer Hyungwon's question, wondering how he should word it best. "I'm not sure if the person who gave birth to me is aware enough to ask herself whether I'm alive or what I'm doing, but it has been that way for a long time, so nothing major. And the other person… I'm not sure if he knows that I'm Ok Seho, or that I'm making money by painting the shit he put me through on gigantic canvases, but he most definitely knows where I live."

Hyungwon sat up and climbed on top of his lap, examining him intently.

“Honestly, your parents sound terrible, Hoseok. I don’t think you being born is the problem here, because I like that a little too much to agree with you. I think whatever created the inspiration for your art is the problem because it made you believe all that. But that’s okay, I love you, the you with demons.”

Suddenly all sounds seemed to quiet down around him as he glanced up and met Hyungwon's gaze, for the first time aware of how the person on top of him spoke about loving him. Just like that.

"But why?" he asked quietly, suddenly feeling cold and vulnerable without fabric covering his body. "My mom has a shit life, so I don't blame her for not wanting to be aware of anything and him… he's done more damage to others, more than just providing me inspiration for my art, so I'm not the victim here."

"Fine, but I still care more about you than about them. You wonder why?" Hyungwon sighed and brushed through his hair to get it out of his eyes. There was something hesitant about the gaze in the big eyes and Hoseok knew that it was a sign of truth. "To be honest, I feel like whatever I say doesn't do it justice, so let's just say that I do. I love you and that's how it is. Even though I should keep you out of it and safe, I'm here sitting on top of your naked body and loving you, you and everything that is a part of you. Who knows? Maybe I'm asking all those questions to discover new parts of you that I can love too. You were wrong about me not being an obsessive fan. Now I kind of am."

_You don't deserve him._

"There's one thing about you I don't like," he commented, staring at Hyungwon. "I hate that you're dressed." Hoseok grinned and reached for the slim wrist, wrapping his left hand around it and shivering, unable to ignore what was under the ink because the pain in his arm and Hyungwon's fearful gaze didn't let him forget it. "But maybe, instead of wanting to take off your clothes, I should teach you how to tie someone up, so they aren't able to escape."

“Maybe you should instead tell me why you look that way at your hand,” Hyungwon murmured back, but unbuttoned his shirt anyway, revealing his slim chest and the waistband of his grey, ripped jeans, the clothes he had come in several days ago. “There is something you aren’t telling me. It’s still your choice but considering somebody was about to kill me and you didn’t freak out, it might be relevant. I told you what’s important. I pissed these people off and now they want me dead.”

“I still don’t know what you’re doing. You only tell me what you are not, but I’m not that smart, you know? I can’t figure it out, so I’m just scared that whatever it is that you’re doing might make me a person who you shouldn’t be close to.” Shaking his head, he closed his eyes and exhaled, stressed because he was used to silence. Not saying anything was so much easier than lying and he had big trouble keeping the truth in. “This sounds ridiculous. I just want to know how you purposefully coming to my house and being on the blacklist of a gang are related to each other.”

Hyungwon sighed and slipped out of the white shirt before throwing it aside and observing him again. Teeth were nibbling on the plump bottom lip, so he was probably about to hear the truth, at least a fraction of it.

“If I tell you, will you tell me how you know that it’s a gang if nobody mentioned it?”

He chewed on his cheek and observed the other man intently. The naked skin and how Hyungwon’s body was reacting to the cold and his body were distracting, but he tried to focus. “If I tell you, will you still stay?”

“If you can prove to me that it is the best choice for both of us, then yes. The alternative is that I’m taking you and we get the fuck out of here.”

Hoseok let his hands travel over Hyungwon’s thighs that were still covered in grey fabric, thinking about his reply. What could he say without having to deal with memories, with more questions, with Hyungwon probably leaving him and at the same time with the constant insecurity about the authenticity of the other man’s words?

_He could lie to you, but you became a liar too, so it doesn’t matter, does it?_

“Shoot,” he whispered, gaze traveling over the slim chest that was covered in goose bumps until he met the big brown eyes.

“I’m a journalist,” Hyungwon replied and seemed to be unsure what to do with his hands, drawing random patterns on his chest without being aware of it. “An investigative journalist. Not sure how familiar you are with what that means, but I’m after people like the guy that tried to stab me yesterday. I do that for months until I put everything I found out together, publish an article and get put on what you just called a ‘blacklist’. There’s a bunch of people like that who want me dead, so this is nothing new. Why I came to you- well. That’s more of a hobby. Art is my hobby and I got angry that these people were writing bullshit interpretations of your work, so I had to set them straight. One isn’t directly related to the other, but that’s the reason I don’t tell anybody what I do or my real name.”

His thoughts were racing, and he forgot to blink, simply staring at the person on his lap and trying his best to determine how likely it was that the words carried the truth in them. Hyungwon seemed nervous, but it could’ve been anything, so he couldn’t be sure.

_An investigative journalist? Writing about the gang? But unrelated to you?_

“I know what an investigative journalist is, but the thing with me… I still don’t understand it. Now it makes sense why you had so many notes. Are you sure… that they are unrelated to each other?” he asked, unable to remove his gaze to not miss a single twitch in Hyungwon’s facial expression.

“Yes, unless you can provide me with information that I don’t have yet. How do you know that it was a gang?” Hyungwon shifted on top of him and the same hint of curiosity appeared in those big eyes that Hoseok remembered from the first weeks that Hyungwon spent at his house, constantly asking questions and observing.

_How did you know? Don't tell him your conclusions. Just go from one step to the next._

“Because when he fought me, and I tied him up, his shirt rode up and I saw his tattoo,” he replied, glancing at his ink covered hand before returning his gaze to meet Hyungwon’s curious eyes.

“A tattoo you are familiar with? You keep staring at your hand.” Hyungwon reached out for his hand and let his fingers travel over it, tracing curved lines from his fingernails all the way to his wrist. “Tattoos have long stopped being the sign of a gang, haven’t they? Burn marks are more common because they require a bigger sacrifice.”

_He’s like a cat. Smelling the information and carefully running in circles around you, meowing until you say it._

“I know that specific one, that’s why. Enough?” he smiled because Hyungwon’s curiosity was attractive and has always been, even though at first he had considered it annoying because he wasn’t used to anybody being genuinely interested in him. Or his information.

“No.” Hyungwon smiled and leaned in, arranging both palms next to his face as plump lips brushed over his own without kissing him. “Nobody knows that tattoo unless they got involved because it is kept under lock and key for a reason. Part of the gang infiltrated the police and politics, it took me months to figure out who exactly and having seen the tattoo once is an immediate death sentence. Even the leader doesn’t have it because they burned it off before sending him to prison for a few years. So how do you know while still breathing?”

_He knows so much. He must have told the truth._

Hoseok let his eyes flutter shut, reminded of the time he was dragged into the room and fainted while they put the ink under his skin. The back of his hand tingled and he gritted his teeth, before opening his eyes again. The memories were still as colourful as always, but somehow, it seemed less bad when he looked at Hyungwon.

“Because I have the same one,” he whispered.

***

_He knows something that you don’t._

Hyungwon had a complicated relationship with the feeling of information belonging to somebody else and not him. There was a wave of adrenaline that developed, and his senses sharpened. He began to go through every little scene he experienced, every detail he might have missed in the first place and that hadn’t seemed relevant at the time he observed it.

_Therefore you are so good at this. You can always go back and find what you missed._

Hoseok kept looking at his own hand repeatedly, glancing towards it in discomfort as if it harboured something unpleasant.

_Or as if he did something unpleasant with it._

Hyungwon didn’t like the direction of that thought, but the things he discovered were rarely something to ‘like’ or ‘enjoy’, so the string of possibilities had to be followed until the end or until a better alternative came along.

He had spent several minutes trying to make sense of Hoseok’s breakdown, of the way the artist had crouched on the ground and cried because of his attempt to leave. It seemed to be a traumatic reaction and the way Hoseok explained it to him made it clear. There was no way for Hyungwon to leave until they figured out the best course of action for both.

_Each of you considers the other to be in more danger, but the question is how he concluded that. After all, you are the one who’s been dealing with this professionally ever since you could write a decent sentence._

As soon as Hoseok had mentioned that being next to him might result in Hyungwon being hurt, his senses tingled, telling him that something was off. He didn’t necessarily believe that Hoseok had lied to him, but the mere fact that the artist was supposed to be a source of danger seemed new.

_He didn’t have that worry before, but suddenly it is there._

It almost seemed as if Hoseok assumed the attacker to be there because of him and not Hyungwon, which was utterly ridiculous considering the death threats and the obvious intentions. Hoseok must have had different information to base his decisions on and this time it didn’t seem to be something internal, a strong belief that Hyungwon wasn’t able to share.

_This time it seems to be something objective and true._

When Hoseok asked if Hyungwon considered him dangerous, the feeling of missing information only increased, burning its way to the surface as he began to dig deeper. He stretched out his fingers and reached towards the depths that were still hidden within Hoseok and scratched the way he had always done it, tugging at the closed door and waiting for it to give in one millimetre at a time.

Each new spark of excitement required a sacrifice, so Hyungwon shared facts of his own. He talked about his parents, about their lack of knowledge, about his pretence games and what they required. He said all those things until he arrived at the point of the biggest sacrifice, his identity.

_If you tell him, he’s involved, and you cannot keep him safe anymore, but can you be sure that he isn’t already involved?_

As soon as Hoseok mentioned that it had been a gang, all without Hyungwon mentioning it even once, the fact that the artist must have been involved somehow became obvious. The question was how and Hyungwon couldn’t wait to figure it out, tasting the excitement on his tongue. He had produced his article with the information he had been able to gain, but he wasn’t naive, and he knew that there was more. Just because the leader of an organization was behind bars, didn’t mean that he had no chance to influence it.

_If you were able to sneak into prison, then prisoners can sneak out some letters._

The way Hoseok asked his questions, not too shocked about his profession but confused about his involvement, told Hyungwon that there was something the artist wasn’t sharing, something in relation to his profession that was the real reason for coming to Hoseok’s house.

_He is somehow involved and thought you must know, but you don’t._

Hyungwon was determined to change that, even at the cost of his profession and all the information he had to provide. Each time Hoseok attempted to shrug his knowledge off with a small fact, Hyungwon emphasized its relevance, pointing out that there was no way of knowing without involvement.

_He cannot know about the tattoo and still be alive, not unless-_

“Because I have the same one,” the low voice whispered, looking so insecure that Hyungwon didn’t dare to reply immediately. It didn’t make sense. How was Hoseok supposed to have a tattoo that identifies a gang, a tattoo that characterizes him as a member of it, somebody who participated in crimes that Hyungwon had spent several years uncovering.

It couldn’t be. How could somebody who provides safe spaces for others and is terrified of hurting others be involved with a bunch of mass killers?

_His hand, he keeps looking at his hand._

Hyungwon’s eyes widened, but he tried to calm them immediately, aware that a wrong reaction might mean a complete shutdown of the information he might acquire. At the same time there were other feelings in his chest, a hint of fear and hurt because Hoseok was the last person he had expected to be involved.

_You came because of your love for art, not because you were chasing a gang through him, but that is what he thought, isn’t it?_

Details that had seemed strange to him at first began to make sense. How Hoseok had considered himself dangerous, how he choked the man who tried to stab him, how he learned using the rope in a destructive context, how he kept staring at his hand each time Hyungwon talked of the gang, the disgust he showed when he looked where the tattoo must be hiding.

_But if he shows so much disgust towards it, then how is he still alive? Did he escape? If yes, how?_

“It’s here...isn’t it?” he whispered and reached for the back of Hoseok’s hand again, stroking over the completely inked skin with various black shapes. Examining it in detail, Hyungwon could imagine it hiding the lines he knew so well, trapped below additional ink that attempted to erase it. “How are you still alive after covering it, Hoseok?”

"I'm not important. I- it's because of something else. It was inked without my consent. I don't even know why I'm using that word, if they don't know it." The other man pulled his hand away and glanced at him briefly. "I didn't think I would ever end up talking about this with anybody."

_But importance doesn't save you from the consequences of betrayal._

"Me neither," Hyungwon replied and smiled because it was true. He hoped to make Hoseok feel at ease, to show him that there was no reason to be scared of his reaction. After all, they were currently in the same boat.

_But you need to know why he has it, whether he had to do something to get it._

"The tattoo has to be earned, so… what do you mean it was inked without your consent?" he asked eventually but kept stroking over Hoseok's hand as if it was going to reveal the lines of the spider web that he knew so well.

Hoseok looked hesitant, as if talking about that topic was something that made him nauseous and brought back memories that he didn't want to remember. "Earn it? I mean, you got to know me, I don't do things that are worth earning anything. I didn't 'earn' it. I got it because I was dragged along to their meetings and when I turned 16, they put it on me."

_But that almost sounds like… family._

"Who are you related to, Hoseok?" He could tell how difficult the conversation was for the artist and even though his curiosity was pushing deeper, he didn't want to hurt Hoseok with his questions. He let himself fall next to the blonde man on the bed and wrapped his arms around his waist, urging him to look at his face with his palm on the pale cheek.

The black eyes focused on him, gaze intense as the seconds ticked by without him getting a reply. Hoseok looked suspicious of him, for the first time since their days in Madrid, when the artist used all his energy trying to get rid of him.

"Related? How much do you know?" the low voice asked.

_He must be related to somebody and think that you already know._

“Only that those tattoos get forced on somebody when their family is part of the gang. It’s a sign of loyalty if your family receives it too. If you were forced to get it, somebody in your family must have been a member. But even then, I don’t know how you can still be alive and breathing like this.” Hyungwon felt a cold shudder run down his back from Hoseok’s gaze. The distrust that he had spent weeks to work against had returned in full force.

_He hates being associated and even managed to get rid of the tattoo, but how?_

"When I said that I shouldn't have been born, I meant that there are people who shouldn't be allowed to create more of their kind. Like that person with three cut marks over his left eyebrow. He should have used protection, but he didn't, alas, I'm here now."

_What?_

Hyungwon stared without making a single sound, eyes jumping from one feature on Hoseok’s face to the next as he tried to understand how it was possible that the man in front of him was related to the man he had seen in prison. The man who had laughed at his questions and told him that he was going to die as soon as he was free to leave his cell.

_How can they be related? Hoseok is nothing like him._

The longer he stared, the easier it was to find a few similarities, the form of Hoseok’s eyes or his jaw. But even though Hyungwon was able to find those similarities and could compare them with the picture of the man in his head, there was still no explanation for how Hoseok had escaped.

_They have mercy on no one, not even their own._

“How did you escape? I don’t understand. If you were in so deep, how could you escape? He left prison a year ago, there is no way that he didn’t do something about your rejection of what he lives for. Just- how?” He was babbling and as soon as he realized, he pressed his lips together, forcing his brain to continue its thought patterns in silence. Hyungwon tried to think back on everything he had learned over the years, everything the leader of a gang that he was researching for years had told him. There had been no mention of a son, only cryptic hints at things that mattered to the dangerous man, but none of them were related to family.

_He didn’t seem to care about family at all._

"Escape? There's no such thing. Last time I saw him… I think it was even years ago. They tried to make me do… stuff for them. I refused. To be honest, back then, I asked him to kill me. You know, to finally do a good deed for the sake of the universe, but he didn't. Maybe he thought that being alive was a worse punishment for me. He might have changed his mind after getting out though. Who knows? What I know for sure is that he knows that I'm here and that you are." Hoseok wrapped his hands around his waist, holding him in place. "That's why you can't leave, they'll just kill you."

_Shit._

“Shit,” he whispered out loud this time, realizing that all his plans and decisions had relied on the fact that none of the gang members knew about Hoseok, that his existence wasn’t meaningful to them and that getting the attacker to the police quickly bought them some time.

_There is no way that the two of you can stay here. As soon as they decide to get you, they will send somebody and then it’s over. This isn’t a game of hide and seek anymore._

His heartbeat picked up and he struggled to get enough air for a few seconds, unable to come up with a solution in which none of them ended up getting harmed.

“We have to leave, Hoseok. We must go somewhere else quickly, a place they don’t know about, a place they cannot track. We-” He inhaled once more because his voice turned rough from the adrenaline. “If they know who you are, and they sent somebody here to kill me, there is no way that they don’t know what they are dealing with. They must know what happened even without their attacker returning. Antonio keeps his missions safe from the rest of the police, but it doesn’t even matter because they know anyway. They fucking know, and we are sitting here like a done sandwich waiting to be eaten. Shit- let’s leave!”

He sat up and tugged at Hoseok’s arm to make him sit up as well, but the other man looked calm and thoughtful instead of complying. "Now that I think about it and they know that I gave one of their guys to the police by protecting an investigative journalist, they will definitely kill me first. As fast as possible. I know so much, they won't even think for a second. That means- you have some time to hide. You need to leave. But how?"

_He can't be serious._

“What?” Hyungwon stared at him, unable to comprehend that Hoseok had just proposed to stay behind and die so that Hyungwon was able to escape. “No fucking way are you staying behind. I’m not letting them harm a single fucking hair on your body, so we are leaving together. Now.”

He jumped up and reached for his shirt which he quickly threw over his shoulders. There were a few options for places that he had in cases like this. The important thing was that they got there safely without anybody finding them on the way.

"I… know a place to go to, but we'll need to get there without anybody knowing about it."

_But fucking how?_

"I have a motorbike," Hoseok murmured, lying naked on the bed as if nothing was wrong. "Why would you take me along? I'm like a rotten limb, useless and in the end, it’ll only harm you."

_He's got a motorbike, Hyungwon. You can leave right away._

“Why?” Hyungwon stared at the way Hoseok lay on the bed, naked and somehow unbothered even though he had seemed so concerned before, concerned about him but not about himself. Hyungwon thought about how to explain to Hoseok that he mattered, that he wasn’t just a ‘rotten limb’ and that there was no way that he was going to leave him behind.

_But he will not believe you, no matter what you say. He cannot see himself that way._

“Because I love you, that’s why. And now let’s go.”

"I thought you came because you knew," the low voice whispered in reply before Hoseok scrambled off the bed and dressed in thick black jeans that were way too warm for the weather, a white shirt and a leather jacket. "But I guess you didn't. I tried so hard not to be the centre of attention, but here I am, trying to run away with an investigative journalist who exposed a gang leader who happens to be my father."

Hyungwon stopped stuffing his small bag with basic food and some water to look back at Hoseok. The artist was right about his attempts, about doing everything to stay far from the public eye and to hide his identity, only for Hyungwon to pull him out of it and turn into somebody who had to run.

_You’ve stolen his calm._

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and returned his attention to his bag, feeling guilty because Hoseok hadn’t been in danger before all this. But now it was too late to disappear on his own and pretend that they didn’t know each other. “I’m sorry for pulling you into this. It was what I tried to avoid by leaving, but now it’s too late. I shouldn’t have come, but it is too late to regret it. I’m sorry and I want to make sure that you stay safe. Let’s go.”

"I guess I gave them a reason to kill you by loving you, so there's that," Hoseok murmured in his low voice. "This sounds so dramatically romantic, why isn’t it a movie? In a movie everything is perfect, and the protagonists battle the bad guys and are happy ever after, only that I've never been happy, I'm a son of a mass murderer and now I'm also a threat to the life of the only person that I want to protect. Why didn't he kill me, why?"

_You will never be able to change his mind, will you?_

There was silence as he closed the zipper before warm arms curled around him from the back, pulling him against Hoseok's chest so tenderly that it didn't make sense at all. That a person with that kind of history and trauma, a human who stayed alone in his gallery most of the time happened to be the gentlest person he knew.

“I’m happy that he didn’t,” he whispered and closed his eyes, enjoying the embrace for as long as he allowed himself to. Every second counted, and he had never felt this terrified in his life. Not only for himself, but also for the person he was embracing. “I’m happy that he didn’t and I’m grateful that I met you. I hope I’ll be able to change the fact that you’ve never been happy, but for that both of us need to be alive. Let’s go.”

"I keep wondering about the real you. But at least I know that you can't fake those moans," Hoseok whispered into his ear before placing a kiss against the shell and letting go. "Where are we going?" The artist ruffled up his barely dry hair and pulled two helmets out of the cupboard in the hallway. "You're lucky that I got a new one recently."

_But why does he have a motorcycle if he never leaves the house?_

The constant questions distracted him from the fact that Hoseok was apparently able to see right through him whenever they were close. Of course, Hyungwon knew that beforehand as well, but hearing it out loud made it even more real.

_Because you always let go next to him and he must know it all too well._

“Andalusia,” he replied and sighed. “It won’t be comfortable either. I don’t know what state the house is in.”

"I've never been there, but Hyunwoo was born in Cadiz. He said that it's beautiful there. There's the ocean too. And they'll need some time because back in the day the organization didn't have many people in Andalusia." Hoseok stepped closer and lifted his right hand, carefully brushing some of his black locks behind his ears before putting the black helmet on him. "One second," the other man murmured before sprinting down the stairs to the basement and returning with a red rope in his hands. "I'll take this one along. It's my favourite."

_It's yours too._

Hyungwon didn't say it out loud and merely nodded before grabbing the bag that Hoseok had taken to Barcelona and filing it up with clothes and some basic things that weren't easily replaceable. Packing light was an art he had perfected over the years.

"They still don't have many people from or in Andalusia which is why we're going there," he remarked and added their toothbrushes because he didn't know how long they had to avoid going shopping. Hyungwon knew how to dress up but for that he needed the clothes.

"I don't think there's a meaningful place in my life that isn't close to the ocean apart from your house," he added and mentally went through whether they had everything. "Will they expect you to leave? I'm hoping it will give us enough time to be far away before they realise. Let's go."

"No. He'll expect me to wait until they come." Hoseok brushed his blonde hair back and put the helmet on before opening a drawer in the cupboard and taking out a roll of bills. It must've been a few thousand euro, considering how thick it was.

_What the fuck?_

“Is that for cases like this one?” he asked and glanced outside briefly, glad that it was dark enough for them to leave without attention. “It will take a while to get there, but if we manage before they get us we are safe. Nobody will expect us to be in that house.”

_Because there hasn’t been a single person there for years._

"You're so smart. You're everything I'm not, maybe that's why I keep searching for a single thing I don't love about you but it's futile, isn't it?" A gorgeous smile spread Hoseok's lips and made his cheeks lift up in the helmet. It looked so adorable. "Let's get going then. I promise you that I'll be the one to die first."

_He's so beautiful, but so self-sacrificial._

The two of them made their way outside and Hoseok opened a gate on the side he hadn’t noticed before, pulling out a black motorcycle and climbing on top, gesturing for Hyungwon to join him. As soon as he did, he wrapped his arms tightly around the other man and leaned his chin on his shoulder. "I won't let you, Hoseok. I won't let you die."

"Oh man," the other man chuckled. "Is it weird that I love having you on my bike? If you are a good kitty and hold on tight and they don't shoot me down on the way, I might write you a list of gang members who have infiltrated the Spanish police."

_He what?_

Hyungwon swallowed because the investigative part of him was having an orgasm from the mere possibility of getting all that information. Holding on tightly, he buried his face in Hoseok's neck and smiled.

"I'll be your sidekick, so you better play the hero and take the A5 towards Andalusia then."

"To be honest, actually I'm rather that guy who dies alone in his basement and nobody cares. It's you who makes me into a hero. Suddenly." Hoseok sighed and said something else, but the bike engine roared so loudly that he couldn't hear it anymore.

Somehow the current situation seemed to be a metaphor for Hoseok's thoughts. A detrimental comment left the artist's lips and as soon as Hyungwon tried to say something in reply, argue that it wasn't true, a whirlwind blew in Hoseok's ears, leaving Hyungwon's reply unheard.

_Heroes die alone, don't they?_

Keeping his arms tightly wrapped around Hoseok's waist as they drove through night-time Madrid, Hyungwon inhaled the strong scent of fruit and a hint of leather and promised himself one thing.

No matter what was going to happen, he wouldn't let Hoseok die.

_

"Who is more of an attention grabber, you or me?" Hyungwon asked as he pulled the helmet off to breathe some proper air and to hopefully fix his hair a little. Of course, nobody saw it when he was wearing the bulky thing, but somehow he felt more self-conscious about the way he looked now that Hoseok's black eyes observed him through the visor.

_You're tired, but you don't have a choice._

The two of them had taken a break after three hours of riding and Hyungwon wasn't used to sitting on his ass in a semi-bending forward position for so long. Even though Hoseok didn't show it, Hyungwon was pretty sure that the other man felt the same.

_And his condition isn't perfect yet. He has a cut arm for fuck's sake._

A glance towards a woman that quickly pulled a mask over her face grabbed his attention and Hyungwon raised an eyebrow in surprise.

_She surely doesn't look like somebody who would rob a village gas station._

When a man of similar age walked around the corner and did the same before entering the shopping area, he genuinely wondered if he had missed something while staying with Hoseok.

"Why the hell is everybody wearing masks, Hoseok?"

“I heard that it’s because it’s worse around here, so there’s a law that you have to wear something over your nose and mouth when you enter a shopping area. You must be thirsty, right?” The smile was so soothing, like a hug and a gentle stroking motion against his messy hair. “Wait a second.” Hoseok reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and took out a black piece of fabric that turned out to be a bandana and wrapped it over his face. “You almost look dangerous.” The other man chuckled and kept his helmet on. “Let’s get something to drink.”

"Could have probably gone in helmets," he muttered, feeling embarrassed suddenly because it must have been obvious that he needed the fresh air. "I'll ride the next bit."

They didn't get any weird looks when they entered the shopping area and grabbed two bottles of water and a Coke. Hyungwon decided that both needed a bit of caffeine for the way, especially since Hyungwon hadn't slept all night.

_You have to remain attentive no matter what. Suddenly, it's not only about you anymore._

“Oh? You can ride too? Are you sure? I had the best sleep on those pills, so I’m in good condition.” Hoseok paid quickly and they left before the other man pointed at the backseat and grinned. “I guess not taking off your clothes was a good idea in the end.”

"What do you mean?" Hyungwon used his long legs to be a few steps ahead and climbed on the motorbike first, getting familiar with the feel of it. "I can do this, maybe not for another three hours, but for a bit at least. Just got to make sure the police don't stop us."

_They'd immediately find out where you are._

“You just have to be fast enough. It’s funny. I got a bike because the person with the cut eyebrows said it’s the best way to get away fast. I liked riding on the back. It has always been one of the memories that doesn’t make me want to crawl 10 feet under the ground.” Hoseok threw his leg over the bike and wrapped his left arm around his waist. “I meant because you have to sit for a long time and it’s really not nice depending on what you were doing prior to that.”

Hyungwon laughed, realizing once again he had no fucking idea because he hadn’t bottomed before meeting Hoseok.

"Right," he remarked and chuckled once more before staring straight ahead at the road. "I rarely do, so I didn't think of it. I hope you will have even nicer memories of riding on the back of a motorbike, running away from criminals and shit."

Right before starting the motor and drowning out their conversation, Hyungwon grinned and decided to reveal another secret to Hoseok.

"I don't have a license, but I still know how to do it. You'll see."

He didn't hear Hoseok's reply as the motorbike accelerated and they rode back onto the highway, continuing towards the south of Spain.

_You never thought that you would share this situation with another person._

Hyungwon had imagined trouble many times, but each time he had been on his own and there was only one person that could be hurt, namely him.

_Now you must make sure that you don't make any mistakes because it's about him too._

It was peaceful and there weren’t many people on the road, probably due to the still ongoing restrictions, but it was good for them. For reaching their destination without being found, at least not immediately. Hoseok was so close to him, wrapping both arms around his waist and sometimes he could feel the warm fingers through his shirt, stroking over his stomach absentmindedly.

_Why do you like this so much? Usually you prefer to be on your own when it's about work._

When the road began to blur in front of his eyes and his body felt too heavy to focus, Hyungwon decided that he had reached his limit and going further was going to endanger them both. They weren't far from Merida anyway and Hyungwon remembered there was a park with a forest they could use to take a break, relieve themselves and eat some of the food he had packed.

_He probably forgot that he needs any._

He gave Hoseok a sign by squeezing his thigh briefly and left the highway, riding on continuously narrower roads until sticks began to break under the wheels.

"This should be good enough!" he yelled against the engine and stopped not too far from a few trees. Smiling, he pulled the helmet off and glanced over his shoulder to look at the other man. The forest felt safe and Hyungwon could feel his heart rate begin to slow down. "You like nature, don't you?"

“Yeah. It doesn’t tie you to a chair and kick you in the nuts.” Hoseok climbed off and pulled off his helmet, shaking his head and ruffling up his hair, before the black eyes glanced at him from under the wavy blonde bangs. “You must be tired. Your heartbeat was so fast this whole time. Go relieve yourself and then I will show you something that will help to calm it down.”

_You must be so obvious._

He hummed because he hated feeling weak and stepped behind one of the bigger trees, attempting to calm his anxiety by himself. Hoseok was affectionate and he did enjoy it, but at the same time it reminded him of the fact that he hasn't been able to do much yet, nothing that compared to getting fucking stabbed for another person.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked as soon as he was done and able to think more clearly. "How's your arm?”

“Come here,” Hoseok ignored his question as the warm fingers wrapped around his wrist and he was pulled on the ground. He could only see trees as he ended up sitting between Hoseok’s legs, back pressed against the muscular chest. “Now close your eyes and try to feel my heartbeat,” the low voice whispered right next to his ear, as the other man took both of his hands, crossing them in front of his chest and wrapping his arms around him tightly. “Do you feel it? Are you close enough?” Hoseok asked, exhaling hot air against his neck.

_Why is being next to him so different? You've been in love before, so why?_

"No," he lied even though he could feel it steadily beating against his back. It was much slower than his own, but Hyungwon wanted to feel closer, have Hoseok hug him even tighter.

Hoseok hummed and it wasn’t clear whether the artist believed him or played along. Recently he had caught himself in the thought that he could never tell, especially since the person next to him turned out to have so many more layers than he had imagined. Hoseok used his strength and shifted, pulling him against his groin and wrapping his legs around him in addition to the arms that held him so tightly that he was just able to breathe and nothing else apart from that. Hoseok was like a warm rope, wrapping around him from all sides and making him feel nothing apart from the warm skin, the blood that flowed through the veins of the pale arms around him and the heart that was slowly beating against his back, as if it was knocking on a door that was locked.

_You were scratching on his and now he is knocking back._

Hyungwon hadn't paid attention before, but his own heartbeat had slowed and beat in unison with that of the other man, surrounding them like a cloud that kept them away from everything else.

"I love you," he whispered and not because he wanted to achieve something or felt overwhelmed by the situation. He said it because he wanted to be perfectly aware as he did, aware of the fact that love was the emotion that he felt and that it was directed towards the man embracing him tightly.

“Welcome to the gallery,” Hoseok whispered back.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 14**

_You always thought that there are people who are better off alone._

Hoseok did and he had been sure that he was one of those people. Existing on the brink of existence, somewhere in the woods, painting his demons with blood-like colours on blank spaces that would’ve been better off without him too, but he couldn’t help staining them, making them into memories of fear, documentaries of his life that he didn’t want to have in the first place, but nobody ever asked him. Nobody has ever asked him anything.

_You were never considered a person._

He was never considered a person but at the same time, he wasn’t a person either, was he? To be a person, a living being, a human, one needed to do something, to ‘earn’ it, like Hyungwon pointed out. Not him. He just existed even though he wasn’t supposed to exist.

_You wouldn’t exist if he had left her alone, but he didn’t._

Those were the thoughts that had circled inside his head as his arms wrapped around Hyungwon’s waist and the hot air hit his face through the open visor. Was it really supposed to be that way? Trying to stay alone and lock himself in a gallery full of trauma and regret, only for someone to come along and scratch and scratch until he started liking that sound because it seemed as if somebody was waiting for him outside the door, waiting for him to open up, to open the door. It was only showing him that his thoughts and feelings must've been fake, a scream for attention. For somebody to come and pity him.

_But you don't want pity. You thought he would leave if he knew that you are related to that person. That you have the tattoo. That you know of all those things and have never done anything._

Hoseok felt the quick heartbeat in Hyungwon’s chest as he thought about it. The other man must’ve felt so scared, exhausted and helpless, being next to him because he couldn’t make him feel safe.

_Maybe you need to try. You need to trust him too, Hoseok._

When they stopped in the woods and Hyungwon walked behind one of the trees with shaky steps, he had made the decision. The decision to let go for a brief moment.

_He showed you more than he wanted, so it's a small sacrifice, isn't it? In addition, to sacrifice anything one needs to have something first. You don’t, and you never did._

When the other man returned, looking exhausted and ready to leave again, he pulled him to the ground and let him settle between his legs as he pulled the slim body close enough to feel each other’s blood flow, the hearts that were beating in their chests, different, but still somehow similar.

_He’s scared._

Hoseok wrapped around the lean chest like a rope, inhaling deeply and holding his breath because it affected him so much. The way Hyungwon lied to him, lied to be closer, how the gorgeous man lost tension in his limbs and let him wrap around him so tightly that it must’ve been hard to breathe. And then, in the middle of the forest, in his arms, connected through something that he couldn’t explain, the breath that Hyungwon let out contained those words. The three words that felt like a warm breeze that suddenly entered his mind, his gallery. Because the door had opened, and he stayed with his hand around the handle, listening to Hyungwon’s steps, his heartbeat that knocked on the door before the person entered. It hurt but at the same time it felt like he wasn’t alone in this world. As if there was somebody else with him in the darkest and loneliest place that existed.

_You opened the door to him._

Was he sure about trusting the person in his arms who smelled like his flower shower gel and leaned into his embrace? No. But it didn’t matter anymore because they both had things they didn’t talk about and he accepted that. He just knew that there was suddenly a reason for him to live and that reason was sitting between his legs and breathing slowly. Hoseok felt the calm heartbeat against his tattooed hands, reminding him of the fact that he needed to keep that heart beating. Hyungwon’s heart.

“Welcome to the gallery,” he whispered when their hearts started beating in unison, making it impossible to distinguish which one was his own and if it was beating at all. “Some people are better off alone, but it was so lonely in here without you.”

The man in his arms didn't reply and merely mirrored his breaths, chest rising against his arms before falling again. When the sensation of fingers against his forearms caught his attention, Hoseok heard Hyungwon inhale, preparing to reply.

"Thank you for caring enough to look at mine," the low voice replied finally.

"I like it." Hoseok smiled, slowly loosening the tight grip around Hyungwon's rib cage, enabling him to breathe and preparing to leave again. He had no idea how far they still had to go as Hyungwon only gave directions. "I love you. But I don't want them to kill us both, so let's get going. Do you feel better?"

_They can kill you, but he will die if he's next to you, so you need to stay alive._

"Mmh," Hyungwon hummed before getting up and brushing stray leaves from his jeans. "This feels so surreal to me, even though I always knew that such a day might come. Writing about criminals does that."

Laughing, the other man brushed his hair back and reached for his helmet to pull it over his head. "Will you be fine riding another few hours?"

He hummed in response and hesitated to put his helmet back on. Stepping closer, he hugged Hyungwon from behind, turning him to look at the handsome face through the visor.

"I'm sorry that this is happening to you and I'm sorry that I'm not a hero and stick to you instead of letting you go and taking responsibility for my family matters. I can still remember those meetings and half of those people work for the police. It's not an excuse for not saying anything, I still should have, I- I'm also a rotten limb, so… I'll be happy as long as you stay alive." Smiling briefly, he let go and walked to his bike, sitting on top and wrapping his fingers around the handlebars. His arm was hurting a bit, but they needed to go. There was no time.

"You know," Hyungwon began as he climbed on the bike behind him. "I probably cannot convince you that you're being too harsh on yourself, but just keep in mind that I'm not blaming you and there is no person I would rather be with."

Lean arms wrapped around his waist and he felt Hyungwon rest his head on his shoulder, making sure to lean on the side with his unharmed arm. "That also means that I need you around, so you better take care of yourself. Tell me when you need a break."

"I'll take a break when we arrive. Don't worry, I'm fine. It just feels unreal to me. All of it." Hoseok turned on the engine and waited until Hyungwon's hand wrapped tight around his middle before he rode towards the paved road.

_You passed out for a few hours but mostly you were awake listening to what they were talking about. Like back then. Isn't that the time when you stopped sleeping? Scared that they would come when you're asleep and you'd wake up in a fucking nightmare?_

He tried to focus, but it was dark. He only thanked his arm for pulling and burning and distracting him from his own exhaustion, from the thoughts, from his pessimistic way of thinking that he considered realistic, but he didn't want to. Not now. He didn't want to think about how it usually ended. What he knew about his father and his way of thinking. He didn't like any of the implications, so he just looked ahead and focused on the long fingers around his waist, the person who he allowed to take a glimpse inside his gallery, his misery, a place with nothing but pain and regret and still…

_And still he didn't leave._

_Yet._

_

Hyungwon was barely awake when he murmured the last turn into his ear and he drove over flat, dried out fields for several kilometres without seeing a single soul or even a house. There was nothing but nature and even the fields looked like they hadn't been used in centuries.

_Maybe he made a mistake?_

When the trees became fewer and farther between and the landscape transformed into rare patches of what looked like yellow sand, Hyungwon pulled at his waist as a signal to slow down. After driving a few hundred meters further, Hoseok understood why. The dry path they had been following stopped and slowly transitioned into sand. The scent of leaves and earth was replaced by water and algae. They had reached the Atlantic Ocean.

_He really loves the sea._

"We will have to walk a bit," Hyungwon whispered as he climbed off the motorbike and struggled to keep his balance after so many hours of riding. "You're right, good that you didn't undress me," he remarked eventually with a chuckle.

The sand crunched under their feet and Hoseok rolled the motorbike along while making sure not to damage the wheels. They walked in silence and the crashing waves became louder and louder until it seemed like Hoseok wasn't able to hear anything but the breeze and the ocean.

When Hyungwon's fingers carefully wrapped around his wrist to stop him, Hoseok hadn't even realised that they arrived. In front of them was a house, painted in a dark colour that he couldn't identify without light and old enough for the paint to peel off at the edges. At least that’s what it seemed like in the dark. It was too dark to recognise more but Hyungwon seemed to know where to go.

"Keep the bike around the back to keep it away from the spray and waves. The water doesn't reach that far yet," he heard next to him as the other man hurried towards a door and began to dig in the sand next to it. Even after Hoseok had left the bike on the other side of the house, Hyungwon still needed a while until he hummed and lifted a sand-covered key that he used to open the house.

_He seems a bit out of it._

The place was so hard to find that Hoseok was sure they would die there if his father’s organization knew about it.

_The police won’t find it either._

Once they entered and his eyes got used to the brightness of Hyungwon's phone flashlight, Hoseok recognized that the house was a bit run down, dusty to say the least. The last time somebody lived there must have been a long time ago. Judging by the darkness, it was around four in the morning. His most and least favourite time.

_Only that you can’t paint. Not anymore._

When the other man reached for a switch on the wall to turn on the electricity, Hoseok heard him curse right after as the light switches didn't work. The lightbulbs had burned out and Hyungwon looked in a drawer for a flashlight instead. The tall man then led them to a bedroom and took out a blanket and pillows from an old wooden wardrobe, trembling uncontrollably. As soon as Hyungwon had pulled everything out and was about to make the bed, Hoseok sensed the slim body losing all tension.

_He must be so exhausted._

“Hey…” he murmured, holding Hyungwon’s waist with one arm and removing the sheet from his fingers. “You need to rest, Hyungwon.”

"But I also need to make this place halfway bearable," Hyungwon replied and tried to reach for the sheet again but didn't have enough strength. He seemed to be on the verge of fainting. "I'm- I'm the one who forced you to come all the way here."

_But you’re not worth a single second of his efforts._

"No," he whispered. "Believe me, I was dragged around all my life, but you didn't force me to come here. You allowed me to be next to you and I'm unsure whether it was a good idea. Sit down." Hoseok carefully pushed the tall man against the mattress until he sat on the bed, looking up at him, his hands shaking. "Let me take care of you for once. This once. I can’t push you away, so I’ll take care of you instead."

_It's nothing compared to what he has done for you until now._

Hoseok took the sheet and spread it over the mattress that smelled old and salty like the surrounding air, before putting the thin blankets into the covers. When he was done, he walked around and sank on the floor between Hyungwon's legs.

_You don't know how long you can be with him. You’re a hazard to him because they will try to kill you first._

Hoseok looked at the handsome but tired face and slowly unbuttoned the white shirt, pulling it down the broad shoulders, awed by the sight of the minimal light reflecting on Hyungwon's golden skin. He couldn't help it and kissed the path that his fingers took, wondering if Hyungwon had been cold because of his lack of sleep as his hands found the button of the grey jeans and pulled them down the long legs, helping Hyungwon out of his shoes and socks.

"You know," Hyungwon whispered and leaned back on his palms, big eyes watching him with half-closed lids. "This feels a little bit like a dream. It could have been a nightmare, but right now it doesn't seem like one at all."

“You know,” he mirrored the other man’s intonation as he let his fingers travel over Hyungwon’s calves and thighs, over his hip bones and sides, enjoying the feeling that he wasn’t alone. “When I thought that I shouldn’t let you get closer, that I should do everything possible to make you leave, I never thought what kind of danger I would put you through. What kind of hazard I would turn out to be for you. My feeling is usually right, just that this time it underestimated it, but look at me,” he whispered, lifting his gaze along with his hands that arrived at the slim neck. “I know so well what I should be doing, how I should behave in this situation, but I don’t. I just stay next to you, touch your skin and undress you instead of riding back and letting them find me so that you would be safe.”

Suddenly Hyungwon smiled, a sight so beautiful that Hoseok realized he hadn't seen it in a while.

"I wouldn't be, Hoseok. I never am, but I like to think that nobody can get me." Hyungwon stroked over his own naked chest until he arrived at his hand and covered the back of it with his big palm. "Those people have wanted to kill me ever since I sent him to prison. I visited him once, you know. He said I'd be dead as soon as he got out and I felt so safe when nothing happened. They found me though. I got a letter written in blood and didn't take it seriously. In the end, I led them straight to you."

Hyungwon lifted his right foot and placed it on top of his thigh, stroking over it carefully.

"But now it's too late to think about that. We're both involved and got to get out of this somehow." A chuckle echoed off the walls. "After getting some rest."

“You sent him to prison? Are you sure? They sometimes go to recruit more people.” His eyes widened, and a shudder passed through his body, involuntarily reminding him of things he had abandoned in a corner of his gallery that he hadn’t visited for years. For so many years. Suddenly, he felt scared, really scared for Hyungwon. “They can’t find you. There are things that are so much worse than being stabbed.” Hoseok glanced at his tattooed hand again. He asked himself when it had stopped physically hurting to look at it. He glanced at the thin scars between his fingers that were only visible when one knew what one was searching for.

The lines disappeared as Hyungwon placed his palm on top of his. "I'm sure. I investigated them back then and gave the information to my contacts in the police before publishing the article. It was enough evidence."

The black-haired man chewed on his cheek briefly before suddenly wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him on top of the slim body.

"I tried to get the rest of them afterwards, but they infiltrated the police and it's been difficult ever since. I've even thought about infiltrating them in return, but if you get that tattoo and leave, you die."

“There is nobody who has the tattoo and left. Apart from me, but I never came, and I never left. I exist in some kind of limbo. I’m not useful but not important enough either, so I was able to keep my distance. Until now. Until they came knowing where they were going and tried to take you away from me.” He tried to not squish Hyungwon with his weight and propped up against the bed with his left hand. “The thing is, they don’t trust new people. The newbies only get useful information after years and years of work and after they’ve done many things to prove that they’re loyal. Like, some of those police officers who have been in the organization for over fifteen years.”

"Shit," Hyungwon murmured and hugged him tighter despite his attempts to reduce the weight that rested on the other man. "That explains why the men and women I seduced rarely knew anything."

_He seduced people to get more info? Must’ve been effective._

“You must really appreciate valuable information. I know quite a few things, that’s why they will do anything to come and shut me up. Either that, or they think I won’t say anything, but now that I’ve run away with an investigative journalist and after giving a member to the police, they will definitely try.” Smiling briefly because there was nothing much that he could do about it, Hoseok sunk on top of the other man, leaning in to place a kiss on top of his parted mouth. “You can try to seduce me tomorrow, maybe I’ll tell you more.”

A grin spread the pretty mouth as Hyungwon's eyes fluttered shut and he pressed his forehead against his shoulder.

"You will."

Chuckling because he loved the way Hyungwon continued being a kitten even when completely exhausted and barely keeping his eyes open, he helped the other man shift towards the pillow and put the blanket on top of him, brushing some of the messy locks from the pretty forehead.

“You can sleep, I will watch over you,” he whispered.

"I want you to sleep too. In my arms," Hyungwon murmured sleepily and wrapped said arms tighter around him, embracing him as he seemed barely aware. "I'll fight off the nightmares."

Hoseok hummed in response, accommodating the slim body in his arms and knowing for sure that he wouldn’t be able to sleep. This time it wasn’t because of his fear of nightmares that might visit him when he wasn’t aware. It was because he was scared of a nightmare that could happen in reality, one that he would wake up to.

_

_He smiled._

Hoseok felt his own lips spread in a smile as he observed the look on the gorgeous face. The sun had risen a few hours ago and the surroundings slowly regained their colours, or developed the fake ones, depending on how one looked at it. It was an old place, pretty run down and dust had collected on the shelves and floors. He could see it best, when Hyungwon moved and the blanket released a cloud of dust that was visible in the rays of sunshine that entered through the window over the bed. He liked it somehow, the dust and that they existed in the middle of the dusty house that looked abandoned and far from everything. A place that wasn’t visited or supposed to be found by anybody. Just like them.

_Maybe he is right that you are safe here for the time being._

The time being was in fact a prolonged death sentence. He knew that there was no way that he could get out of it alive and the right thing for him to do was to find a way to protect Hyungwon and make sure that nothing happened to him. He would take his punishment and leave this world by the hand of the person who made him.

_You asked him back then and he didn’t do it, but he might now._

Hoseok exhaled a little too loudly, caught up in his thoughts and memories that he wanted to forget. Crawling out of bed, he decided to look in the bags that were on his bike, he wasn't sure what was in them. The last time he had used it was to ride to the outskirts of Madrid because he felt lost.

His feet left steps on the dust that collected on the wooden floors, but he liked that the floor was made of wood. It was never too warm and never too cold either. Like an entity that existed and was coloured by the change in temperature, warming up and cooling down again and he could lie on top of, feeling the warmth or the cold, trying to be the same. Not think and just heat up or cool down.

_Where are your thoughts again, Hoseok?_

The light blinded him when he stepped outside, and the sounds of waves were loud, overshadowing his thoughts. It was only a few meters to the shore, but he left it for later, first he wanted to check the bags. As expected, there were some tubes of oil paint inside and he found a brush in the other one, bringing a smile to his face.

_You can paint the wall._

He didn’t know if he could, but really, he was about to die anyway, so nobody could punish him for it, right? Hoseok wondered if the sudden lightness came from the knowledge that he would probably cease to exist soon, but it seemed as if… as if he felt light because the person next to him existed.

The palette was so light, was it because he wanted to use a lighter one for once? Whatever his reasoning had been, it couldn’t have been more fitting to the wooden walls that would’ve looked too dark with his usual choice of colours.

_You don’t feel like painting memories this time, or do you?_

Hoseok made sure to be quiet as he slowly walked towards the wall that was right across from the rusty bed and sat on the floor, on the spot the sun was shining on. He loved how warm it was.

_He makes you feel excited. Because you feel like you have a mission. Keeping him alive no matter what._

Smiling to himself, Hoseok used an old shoebox to mix some paint and started with the golden tone. Was it even him? Painting golden skin on a wooden wall of an abandoned house at the beach? Was it all a dream? He never had dreams like that. His dreams were all dark and he knew that they were real because he had experienced all of it before, stored in the frames in his gallery and attempting to jump out occasionally.

_But this is also happening. He is real._

Hoseok lifted his gaze, focusing on the man on the bed who was hugging the blanket and kept sleeping as if nothing could ever happen to him. It was not a lie and not an exaggeration either, but looking at Hyungwon, his face, his posture, the plump, slightly parted lips and how pretty his eyelashes looked when the sun shone on them, made him think that this moment was the most beautiful thing he would ever be able to experience in his life. If he was lucky, it would become a painting in his gallery, one that didn’t contain red threads that tried to strangle him or memories that made him want to stop breathing but a painting that he could come to when he felt as if he was suffocating, when it was hard to breathe.

The brush danced over the wood, leaving messy strokes that he kind of hated himself for because he wanted to do it justice, he wanted it to be perfect, but it could never be. Because he was the one putting it on the wall, the one who had seen it and the one who moved the brush.

_You are the problem as usual._

Sighing and wiping the sweat from his forehead that developed from sitting in the sun, he wondered how long he had been painting already as the rays moved and he almost used up the last bit of paint that he squeezed on the shoebox.

_You will never be able to do it justice, just accept it already._

Licking over his lips and feeling incredibly thirsty, he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, before turning around and taking a glance at the bed.

Hyungwon was lying on his side with his hands folded under his head and big eyes open, watching him. There was awe on the handsome face, as if whatever Hoseok had painted on the wall fascinated the other man.

"Is this what I look like?" Hyungwon whispered finally and sat up, letting the blanket pool on his lap.

“No. It’s how I’m not able to do you justice with my hands or the paint or my view of things, I’m not sure.” He exhaled and looked at the ceiling, before returning his gaze to Hyungwon. “You look stunning. Like the sea on a sunny day, but a stormy sea.”

"That painting," Hyungwon began and inhaled softly, expression more emotional than it had been a moment ago. "Looks like so much more than I am. It's not that you don't do me justice, it's that your view of me is so bright, so delicate that I can barely believe it is me. There's nothing negative about it, nothing of the manipulative liar that I am. A personality that isn't really there."

“Don’t we all lie? Some want to construct a reality that is better than the current one, some want to keep the bad things hidden from everybody because the anxiety is too much to bear, some don’t want to hurt others and some want to uncover the truth and are willing to do anything to make it happen. It’s okay if you lie to me because there are moments where you don’t, and I’ve seen them. Like this painting, even though, as I said, I can’t do you justice because perfection is unreachable if it’s me trying.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly as he stood up and made his way towards him. Long fingers reached out and pulled the brush out of his fingers before glancing at the other wall.

"Do you still have some paint for me? Make it your favourite colour," the black-haired man whispered.

“Grey?” he asked and glanced at the palette that had a mixture that resembled grey but wasn’t dark enough. It had to do, so he put it on the brush and gave it to Hyungwon, wondering what the other man wanted to do.

"At first I always thought your favourite colour was the red shining through," Hyungwon murmured and walked around the bed and towards the back wall. The black-haired man glanced over his shoulder to look at him before painting the first stroke on the white surface. It seemed like Hyungwon had decided to paint him but as soon as the lines formed the first word, Hoseok understood that Hyungwon wasn't painting, he was writing.

The word turned into a verse, turned into a stanza and finally turned into a poem. It described an emotion associated with a person, the person that was him. It felt positive, safe and appreciative as if he was somebody who knew how to provide warmth, how to be tender.

Hyungwon lowered the brush as soon as he painted the full stop that ended the poem and turned around, teeth nibbling on his bottom lip.

"Words are the only way I know how to express myself," he whispered.

"And the rotten limbs that are my art are the only ways I express myself. I have to say that you're doing a better job," Hoseok whispered, overwhelmed by the words that the other man found for him. Maybe they weren't for him, but somehow, he couldn't believe that Hyungwon would have painted them on that wall in his favourite colour unless they were. "Did anybody tell you that you deserve all the good things in this world? Because when I saw you smile in your sleep for the first time, I thought that you're somebody who deserves it, who should be able to feel this way until the end of time."

"You won't believe me, but I feel the same way about you." Hyungwon smiled and made his way towards one of the wardrobes before chuckling. "I have a bunch of costumes here too, so maybe we'll be able to buy food when we run out. Would you like to go to the beach and eat sandwiches? I brought a few things, also clothes for you if you need them."

"I just want you to come here," he murmured, staying on his spot on the floor, wearing nothing but underwear and ink on his skin.

Hyungwon glanced over his shoulder and met his gaze for a few seconds before closing the wardrobe and following his request, steps leaving additional marks on the dusty floor.

"Why doesn't this feel like we are running away?" the black-haired man asked as he crawled on top of his lap and curled his arms around his neck. "It feels like I'm finally getting what I wanted all this time after holding back my whole life."

"When you run away, you leave things behind, memories, objects, people you love. I didn't because I didn't own anything dear to me and there were no people I loved and left behind. For me it feels as if I gained something instead of losing it. I wasn’t searching for it and my head tells me I'm going to lose it, but it found me and… A while ago you asked me if there's something that makes me feel good. To be honest, it makes me feel good when you touch me. When I can feel that you're real."

_You know that you don't deserve him, but you want him so badly._

Hoseok looked up and wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's warm waist, his warm back, feeling the pleasant heat of the firm thighs on top of his. He didn't need to lie on the wood to feel. Hyungwon was able to make him feel just the way he didn't deserve, but really wanted to.

***

_You must trust him so much._

Hyungwon couldn't remember the last time he had trusted another person unconditionally, been convinced that they were never going to hurt him.

_The last time must have been when you were a child, believing that adults never lie._

To be honest, Hyungwon wasn't too sure what came first, his ability to speak or his own ability to lie. When one was able to make another person believe absolutely anything, it became difficult to trust without care. If he was able to lie so easily and achieve more than with the truth, why wouldn't other people do the same?

Even when he had fallen in love before, Hyungwon had never allowed himself to fall completely. He always had a safety net, an ounce of control that was his and his alone. A rope that was wrapped around his wrist and belonged only to him.

_But somehow you found it in his basement and it's not the rope that is his, you are._

Hoseok was able to provide Hyungwon with a sense of safety that he didn't know he needed. There was no real safety for him. Wasn't that the reason for chasing excitement, for taking constant risks?

_But in the end, he is able to give you what nothing else can, a sense of satisfaction without the need for risks._

It should have felt scary because there was no way to control it, no way out and no safety rope that Hyungwon was holding onto and could use to escape his feelings any second. This time he had taken the rope, wrapped it around his neck like a collar and handed the other end to Hoseok.

_But he's not using it, that's why you did, why you feel safe. He's so convinced that he doesn't deserve this that he would never pull it against your will._

Hyungwon knew that he couldn't change the way Hoseok thought and felt about himself, for that the thoughts were too deeply ingrained in who the other man was. But Hyungwon was able to show Hoseok that he thought and felt differently, that the words he painted on the wall of the abandoned beach house were true.

_You're in love, but not only with the image of the person you see and the excitement they provide, but everything there is. You love his gallery too, even if it terrifies him._

Sitting down on Hoseok's lap and wrapping his arms around the broad neck, Hyungwon realized once again that it wasn't the artist that he had fallen in love with, but the person underneath. It was Hoseok's tenderness, his affection and his ability to take over him that he was in love with, even if his art had been the first thing Hyungwon paid attention to.

_You never thought you'd be running away from death with somebody you are in love with. You were so convinced it would be only you and the ocean._

But somehow this felt so much more complete. It resembled a blessing instead of a punishment for his involvement and curiosity. Instead it seemed to be a chance to show Hoseok something else, to find a solution and not only escape death, but also free the man in his arms from some of the demons that were still haunting him.

_He feels good when you touch him, because then he knows that you are real. Because he isn't caught in his gallery without an escape._

Taking Hoseok's hand, Hyungwon lifted it to his cheek, cupping his own face with the soft fingers.

"Does it feel real?" he asked and leaned in to kiss Hoseok's curved mouth, enjoying it so much that he didn't lean back for several long seconds.

"Sometimes… You feel more real than I myself do," Hoseok muttered in reply, brushing over his skin with his thumb, curved mouth corner lifting briefly. He missed the gorgeous smile that Hoseok showed him. "Do you feel fake? Like you aren't a person? You just told me that there's no personality in you. It's not true, I don't think so, but I want to know what you think."

_Is that it? No personality?_

"I'm not sure how to explain it," he replied and tried to find the right words. "It's not that there is no personality, but that behind all of the roles I play I'm not sure what's me anymore. Am I the playful gossip reporter that Hyunwoo knows? The helpful delivery man that you met? The model that hitchhiked with a policeman? Who am I really. I don't know."

"But isn't it your ability to play those roles that makes it a part of you? You're able to be helpful, to be playful, funny, act naive or bratty. You're all of that and that's amazing." Hoseok stroked over his cheek and leaned in, connecting their lips.

_But what are you really?_

Hyungwon kissed back and enjoyed the touch for a few moments before voicing his concerns. "That may be true, but isn't it fake if I do it to gain something? How do I act when I don't need to do any of these things, when it's just me? It feels empty somehow, an empty canvas with no colours to it."

Hoseok observed him as usual, not saying a word and not sharing what was going on inside the other man’s head, what happened in his gallery when he was thinking about his words. A brief smile appeared before Hoseok decided to speak. “Maybe it’s because you came to me and saw the dump, the black swimming pool of sticky lead that swallows me whole and thought that your existence is empty. Isn’t it common knowledge that people want things they don’t or can’t have? I want to feel empty, I want to feel and see nothing, but instead I’m drowning, and you are so light, like a cloud, like that gorgeous golden colour, the sand that retreats and settles between your fingertips, you’re like that.” Humming at himself or his thoughts, Hoseok leaned back on both arms without looking in pain, even though the position must’ve been painful. “When you came to my house you didn’t need anything. I saw it. You wanted something from me, but you weren’t searching for it to feel like a better person or develop. You wanted to take my information and leave again, didn’t you?”

_You can't lie about that._

Hyungwon nodded slowly, somehow aware that he couldn't lie this time. It couldn't be the fact that he was in love because he had lied to lovers before, to his parents, to friends. He had lied to everybody to protect his identity and the people he was with from his profession.

_But it doesn't matter with him, does it? Not anymore._

"I did," he replied and licked his lips. "I wanted to find out what was hidden within those paintings of yours, why there was a layer of red when I scratched over them, why nobody else could see that it was something much deeper than you 'missing your girlfriend'. I wanted to find out the truth, show everybody they were wrong and then move on to the next thing that was able to excite me. It is my way of life."

_Until now. Now you're suddenly at your safe house with another person and you can't even convince yourself to dislike it._

"What did you think when you started investigating? Did you think that you would catch them and then… that's it?" Hoseok asked with one eyebrow lifted, as if there was so much more that the other man knew but hadn't shared with him yet. “I keep wondering what made you do it.”

"I like excitement, the feeling of danger." He chuckled because usually one would expect him to have a grand ideology and a strong moral compass for doing what he did. "I'm not fighting for justice or what's right, I'm not a good person like that. I do it for the way the process and the conclusion make me feel."

_The consequences didn't matter to you, because they never managed to get you. Not even once._

He kissed Hoseok's lips one more time before climbing off the muscular thighs and reaching for the bag he stuffed with some fresh food. They had enough time to survive on cans, so there was no need to start early.

"Now you won't be able to distract me. We need to eat."

"But I really want to distract you. I keep thinking…" Hoseok whispered and crawled towards him, muscles flexing under the inked skin. He swallowed and met the dark gaze that turned into the mixture of dangerous and dominant that he fell for when they first met. "You think so much, you're scared, worried and you're aware. So aware. It needs to stop." Hoseok's fingers grabbed his chin and tilted it to the side, baring his neck for the other man's lips that immediately sucked on a patch of his skin, right where it felt best. Hoseok smelled like leather, paint and a hint of flowers that seemed to be an integral part of the other man’s scent. “I… want to play with you until you scream at me,” the low voice breathed into his ear.

Hyungwon swallowed again, surprised by the sudden switch in Hoseok's behaviour, the playfulness that should have been out of place, but wasn't.

_You want him to act like that, don't you? You want to feel without the need to hold onto control the way you always do._

But was it alright? Was is justifiable for him to let go when they had barely arrived, and the other man had neither slept nor eaten?

"And how do you plan on doing that?" he asked back but remembered the red rope Hoseok had packed before they left. Goosebumps covered his skin at the thought of it, betraying him.

"Let that be my worry, kitty. You look like you want to be played with. Last time… it wasn't even playing, but you need to stop thinking. To stop being scared and let go." The other man's warm inked hands travelled over his bare skin, using nails whenever there was a sensitive spot Hoseok knew of, mercilessly using the knowledge to make his eyes roll back. "I'm mostly useless, but I know that I can make you forget everything for a few moments and I miss seeing you like that."

"Can you?" Hyungwon asked, but the brief tremble in his voice at the end betrayed him just like his body that leaned towards Hoseok's touch. He knew that the answer was yes, because nobody else had managed to pull him in the way the man in front of him had, the way Hoseok had. "Usually I'm the one playing if- if anything."

_You're trying so hard._

"Mhm, please scratch as much as you like, you're not a puppy for a reason and…" Hoseok inhaled and blew the hot air against his neck, body coming closer with each passing second. "And I love it."

"I thought you like the way they give in to you, how they beg you without a single thought." Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut and didn't dare admit how much he enjoyed Hoseok coming closer, how much the proximity excited him.

_This is what he is able to do._

"Are you going to make me?" he whispered.

"Mhm. I want to. I can still remember how you whimpered, how your body trembled because you liked being touched by me so much. You can't fake that, and I have been holding onto this one thing, so I need to see it again. To hear how hoarse your voice becomes when you ask me to touch you a thousand times." The other man was already teasing him, letting him feel the warm mouth against his neck only to lean back, only exhaling hot air instead of sucking on the sensitive spots, fingertips slowly crawling up his calf, his knees and exploring the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. "Being with puppies has clear rules, I know that they won't hurt me because they can't and it's nice to see so much pleasure coursing through an attractive body. Don't you think?"

_Don't you think?_

Hyungwon blinked a few times to be able to focus on Hoseok's words and not melt from the sensations that already coursed through him.

"I've never been- focused on pleasure," he muttered and didn't even realise how he ended up on the soft sheets and his hands travelled above his head to have a firm grasp. "It's always been information for me."

"Information, huh? I mean, now that I know what you do for a living, it's kind of funny that you ended up with me, as I'm probably the one person who knows most about the people you're investigating. I've seen it, I've experienced it, I have perfect memory and I'm not dead." Hoseok placed kisses on his legs, using his fingertips to make his skin tingle but never touching him firm enough to be satisfied. "You never focused on pleasure? That's interesting because I can't remember you talking much when you were trembling in my hands and around me."

"Dick," he hissed because he didn't have any better defence, but his hands remained attached to the sheets above his head. Hoseok was right about the way Hyungwon had melted in his arms like butter, letting him do everything he wanted. Even now he found himself wanting nothing more than for Hoseok to do as he pleased. "I did talk, only it wasn't coherent enough to understand."

"Oh really? I don't think you were asking for information though." Hoseok smirked from between his legs and scratched a thin line from his nipple down, over his hip bone and ending with a brief pinch against his thigh. "Your goose bumps are so pretty."

"Then maybe you should make them worth it." He bit down on his bottom lip and flexed his thighs before deciding that he held back enough. Lifting his legs, he threw them on top of Hoseok's shoulders and used the grip to pull the other man closer. "Or keep me from acting the way I want to."

"Too bad that I'm not home," Hoseok murmured with a smug smile. "I can imagine you so well, tied up in red hanging in the air and how I would kiss your parted lips. Because you know how the playing works, no hands or I'll stop. Or do you want me to tie you? I brought the rope."

"Maybe." _Why can't you just say it?_

Hyungwon nibbled on his lips and intertwined the fingers of both hands, keeping the wrists connected. "Do you think it missed me? It's mine after all."

"I think that you are connected to it somehow. I painted a red one on you, but you picked the red one even though it's not your choice to make, but even after you left, I felt like you and the red rope were somehow intertwined. At least in my mind." Hoseok removed his legs from his shoulders and climbed from the bed, walking towards the bag to take out the rope and returned to his previous spot, isolating the end and brushing it over his collarbones, circling it around his nipples. "It's perfect and so are you."

"Fuck," he muttered and closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation too much to stay silent. "I kept dreaming about it, the way it felt around my wrist and I’ve worn it since I took the small piece from you. Every fucking day."

_Shut up._

"You did?" Hoseok asked, genuinely surprised, but the dark gaze was already roaming his body, as if the other man had in mind how the red rope would look against his skin when he was tied and unable to move, completely caught in the space where only Hoseok had control over what happened. "I want to connect it with your body and make you feel safe. Will you let me?"

At first Hyungwon thought of replying with something playful, teasing right back in order to delay the time he was going to let go. There was no doubt that he would, especially if the gorgeous red rope was going to touch his skin.

_But you don't want to delay it, you want it now._

"Do it," he breathed out and closed his eyes for a few moments. "You're the only one who can."

"I'm just someone you allow close enough, but I want to use it to show you how it feels to think nothing, to only feel pleasure and completely rely on the other person." Hoseok made him sit up by pulling his wrists and unwrapped the rope, gaze focused and calm. “It’s a ridiculous thing to say, even after the small part that you know about my past, but I would never hurt you. I would never inflict pain on you in a way you don't want or wish for."

_He even got stabbed for you. How could he hurt you?_

"I know." Opening his eyes, Hyungwon leaned forward just enough to kiss the other man's lips briefly, enjoying how soft they were. It reminded him of the first time he woke up at night and saw the way Hoseok observed him, how intimate it was, enough to make him want to be as close as possible to the man in front of him. "You're the last person I expect to be hurt by, Hoseok."

"I really want it to stay that way," the low voice whispered before the dark gaze disappeared and he could feel the fabric of the red rope wrap around his neck, chest and arms, constraining him and keeping him in place.

Hyungwon couldn't explain why being constricted by a red rope had this effect on him, why he could barely contain the way his lips trembled and the blood in his veins coloured his face and neck.

_Maybe because it is the only time you are really caught._

No matter what the situation had been, Hyungwon had always found a way to escape without facing consequences. But not like this, not with ropes restricting his motions and keeping him in place.

_And still you aren't afraid._

Having the red rope grace his skin was his only way to let himself be caught without fear of the consequences. The feeling was addicting, as if he was able to let go of his mind for the first time.

_You can feel at ease with him and let down your guard._

"It feels like I’m soaring," he whispered when he found one way to describe the feeling. "As if my thoughts and awareness are the weight that keeps me on the ground, but you make me soar."

He could see a bit of Hoseok's gorgeous smile before the other man settled behind him to fix his hands behind his back. The rope was tightly wrapped around him, but it wasn't painful, especially when he focused on the warm fingertips that touched his skin to make knots.

"Finished," Hoseok said and reappeared in front of him, gaze roaming his tied torso and looking stunned by the sight. "God, you are so incredibly beautiful."

"I like how it feels," he murmured and closed his eyes for a few seconds to be able to focus on the sensation. Maybe it was strange to consider rope on his skin a caress, but that was what it felt like. "As if… this is one of the ways in which you show affection."

Opening his eyes, he examined the expression of awe on Hoseok's face.

_Because the rope is yours, but you are his._

"How do you want me?" he asked quietly.

“Usually I know exactly what I want, but this time I just want you and it overwhelms me a little,” the low voice whispered, followed by another smile that was genuine and beautiful, as if Hoseok was similarly affected by him being tied up and let go of some of his self-protective behaviours. “It might be uncomfortable to lie on your back, so just- sit up.”

_He talks differently than the first time he touched you. So- tenderly._

Hoseok took one of the blankets and let him lean against it before pulling down his underwear and wrapping his warm hands around his knees to spread them and settle in the space between. The black eyes observed his face before focusing on his body. Reaching out, the blonde man isolated both index fingers and let them travel down his neck, symmetrically along the ropes, briefly brushing over his nipples on their way down.

He gasped even though Hoseok hadn't really started yet. There wasn't even any pleasure yet, nothing that could explain his reaction, but still Hyungwon trembled and flexed the muscles in his legs, anticipating what was bound to happen next. His fingers curled a few times where they were tied up at his back.

"How do you do this?" he asked quietly and exhaled through his mouth. "How do you make me feel without me having to risk anything?"

_Or are you without realizing it?_

“I guess it must be the rope holding you,” the low voice whispered right before he registered the longer nails on Hoseok’s left hand that scratched thin lines from his ankle, over his knee and up his inner thigh. The sensation was intense because the pressure gradually faded and turned into a soft brush of fingertips against his entrance and length.

_This feels so intense._

"Touch me more," he murmured even though Hoseok hadn't even begun yet. His patience was running thin after a few seconds, but Hyungwon didn't want the red rope around him to loosen, not now and maybe not ever. He didn't care about the fact that they were at a safe house, that a gang wanted to kill them and that they couldn't stay hidden away forever. Usually he would have tried to find a solution, to trick his way out of it, but right this moment Hyungwon couldn't care less.

_You just want him._

As usual, Hoseok didn’t listen to him, teasing him further, touching him intensely where he wasn’t sensitive and only giving him a glimpse of what he could be feeling with a touch that resembled feathers, or sand in a sea breeze. Not nearly enough but at the same time he couldn’t stop thinking about having it all.

Hoseok stroked his length briefly when he didn’t expect it. The touch resulted in a firework that shouldn’t have been there from a bit of friction, but the combination of sensations, the warm air against his entrance, the wet fingertip circling his nipple and a brief stroke were just too much to handle.

"Touch me," he tried again, this time not even sure whether his words were coherent. His whole body was still shaking from the aftermath of being touched briefly and he couldn't come up with a way to get what he wanted. His thoughts appeared to be submerged in water, slow and blurred.

His eyes fluttered shut when he felt Hoseok’s warm, wet tongue sliding around his tip, soft then not at all, digging into his slit and making him whimper and jerk forward. No matter what it was that he tried, Hoseok seemed to have something else in mind for him, painting his perceptions on his body, stroke after stroke, making him love every second and at the same time dizzy and impatient that he couldn’t get it all at once. The strong hands that wrapped around his thighs didn’t let him move forward, keeping him in place and constricting him further as Hoseok played him like an instrument. When he managed to open his eyes along with a moan, he could see the black eyes observing him from between his legs.

Hyungwon tried to speak but couldn’t form a coherent sentence, too overwhelmed by the sensations that took over his consciousness.

"Have me," he murmured, perfectly aware that Hoseok didn't need his verbal permission because his body already screamed it all by itself, but still Hyungwon wanted to say it out loud.

_You want him so much._

He could barely remain seated and considered turning around and lying on his stomach instead. Spreading his legs further apart, he realised how unlike him it was to react like that, to turn on the sheets and lie down with his behind in the air, like a present that couldn't see what was happening to it.

“You’re so pretty,” the low voice breathed against his entrance before Hoseok traced it with his tongue and let his nails leave fine red lines on his inner thighs. He could feel the warm fingertips, the nails, the flat palms roaming all over his legs and chest, as if Hoseok wanted to paint him, touch every spot on him, leave his mark on his body. “How about you lie on your stomach and lift your hips in the air if you want me to continue?” Hoseok asked, leaning back and leaving him without a single touch.

_As if he knows exactly what you've been thinking._

Hyungwon held his breath, testing how long he was able to remain without touch. The seconds passed and each additional one felt like torture. Goosebumps returned to his legs and arms as he met the other man's gaze and held it, showing that he wasn't succumbing that easily.

_But he can see it, he knows how much you want it._

"You're driving me mad," he murmured and exhaled audibly as he used his long legs to turn around and rest his cheek on top of the sheets. It felt as exciting as he had imagined it, body waiting for touch without the eyes being able to tell when it was going to happen. Being close to the sea resulted in a light breeze that moved through the open window and caressed his naked skin, but still there were no hands on him.

_He is waiting for something, teasing even more out of you._

"I thought you wanted to continue," he murmured and couldn't believe himself as he lifted his behind in the air and spread his legs. His face was burning, and he held his breath again.

“Then tell me how much you want this,” the low voice breathed out behind him and he could feel the presence of warm skin, but that was about it, Hoseok didn’t touch him, but his hands must’ve been a few milometers away from him, only waiting to wrap around his hips.

"Can't you tell?" he whispered and inhaled again. "You told me that the body doesn't lie."

Secretly, Hyungwon hoped for Hoseok to crack and to finally touch him, to wrap those hands around his hips and make him see stars, blur his vision and take away the coherency of his words.

_You want to lose yourself._

“Your body doesn’t lie, but you do and now, all of a sudden, you don’t want to say it, so it must be the truth and I want to hear it, Hyungwon. Now.” The low voice was firm, and he could feel Hoseok’s fingers wrap around the rope that tied his hands and pulled briefly, making him shiver and his thighs tremble in anticipation. “Say it.”

"I want you," he gasped and as if his body enjoyed succumbing, his erection twitched as soon as the words were out. "I want you to touch me."

He could feel Hoseok’s erection as the other man leaned over him and exhaled against his ear. “You know what I want to hear, Hyungwon. You know it, so say it.”

"Have me," he murmured, knowing that wasn't quite it but also wanted to speak the truth. He felt dizzy from denying himself the pleasure that he knew was going to follow, from being restrained by red ropes while knowing exactly that Hoseok wouldn't do anything he didn't want.

"Have me," he repeated and held his breath, counting the seconds that he was able to bear before giving in. He listened to Hoseok's breaths, to the anticipation and impatience that was hidden within each of them. Hyungwon wasn't the only one feeling this way, but he was the one who needed to speak to provide both of them with what they wanted.

_You can't take the waiting anymore._

Fingers curling and uncurling repeatedly, Hyungwon trembled one last time before succumbing, unable to bear the anticipation.

"Please," he gasped. "Please take me, Hoseok."

“I don’t know, should I?” The warm lips closed around the patch of skin below his ear before traveling lower, covering his back in kisses where there was no rope. Then, it seemed as if nothing happened for a few long seconds and he was shaking from the tension when he finally registered the artist’s hands around his hips, fingers wrapping around them and holding him in place. Hoseok continued teasing his entrance and sucking the skin of his balls into his mouth without providing any friction or finally putting his tongue or whatever else inside his body.

_It's not enough for him because he knows you are holding back._

"Touch me already," he gasped and tried to move towards the other man's mouth, but Hoseok's grip around his hips was too strong. "I know that you want it as much as I do. You do, so what's holding you back? Fuck."

“What’s holding me back? You?” Hoseok asked and he could hear a grin in the other man’s voice. A few seconds passed, filled with shifting and some noises he couldn’t really recognize before Hoseok simply rubbed his warm, velvety tip against his crack, applying more and more pressure before leaning back again and blowing cool air against the wet trail.

_What is it that he wants you to do?_

"God, Hoseok- you-" He whimpered and dug his nails into his palms to calm the mixture of desperation and anger that threatened to spill from his lips. "Touch me, fucking touch me already."

_You never want anybody to take you, but he's driving you mad._

His knees trembled, and he struggled to remain in place, breaths rough and palms burning from the way he abused them with his nails. His length twitched again even though nothing was happening and Hyungwon could tell that he must be dripping precum onto the sheets.

_As soon as he touches you, you'll be gone. Is he playing with your awareness before finally taking it away from you?_

“Ah, you’re making it extra hard for me,” Hoseok murmured and spread lube, teasing him with his fingertip but still not touching him. Again, there was nothing, only shifting before Hoseok crawled between his legs and licked a drop of precum from his tip. This was torture.

"I'm not, you're-" Hyungwon moaned and rubbed his face over the sheets in an attempt to distract himself. It didn't work. "You're the one making it hard for yourself. You could be touching me and fucking me already, but instead you're making me shake and lose my goddamn mind. Fuck me, Hoseok."

He gasped for air and tried once again to move closer towards Hoseok, this time by spreading his legs wider. It worked a little since the other man hadn't been holding his hips in place this time.

_Can't you just ride him?_

Hyungwon moaned once again and lifted his head to be able to balance his body weight while moving back, gradually working towards sitting on top of Hoseok's lap. When his gaze met those dark eyes, he couldn't hold back and leaned down to kiss Hoseok's curved lips, whimpering into the touch.

_You're melting._

The strong arms held onto his shoulders, preventing him from face planting as his torso was completely immobile. The blonde man looked as affected as him, but Hoseok still had more control, teasing him by rolling his hips and rubbing his thick, filled out length against his crack.

"Fuck," he hissed, cursing more right after. He didn't know if it was coherent, but he couldn't care less at this point. He wanted Hoseok to act, to fill him out and to cover his lips with those delicious curved ones. Maybe Hyungwon even said it. He couldn't be sure with how quickly his mind turned into a hazy blur of Hoseok's face and the sensation of warm, wet heat against his crack. "Do it, just do it already. Please, Hoseok. I can't fucking breathe."

“I can’t breathe either,” the low voice whispered before Hoseok propped against him. A single motion of his hips, the way his body relaxed knowing what was coming and the overwhelming pleasure centring in his groin were enough to slowly sink down and be filled out by Hoseok, breathe Hoseok and only hear the pleasant low voice that accompanied the motion, making everything around him disappear in a haze like a warm sea breeze.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**CHAPTER 15**

During his lifetime Hoseok had met a variety of people, most of them could be divided into two categories. People who only brought him pain and people who tried to help and change his fucked-up state and for that reason were too good for him to keep close. He wasn't sure which group Hyungwon belonged to, he only knew that there was something wrong with the usual progression of events. His reactions were off as was the way he behaved and most importantly, the way he felt. His emotions didn’t make sense at all when he was with Hyungwon, his normal controlled actions were replaced by a wrecking ball of mixed sensations and desires that left him vulnerable in its wake.

_Maybe you finally fucked up the one thing you were good at?_

Maybe. But the low voice that begged him, angrily hissed at him to finally do it, to take the gorgeous man in his arms was enough to make him continue. When he looked at the golden body that was held tightly by the red rope and moved on top of his lap, black hair hanging into the big eyes that rolled back, he couldn’t keep his wits anymore and entered the tight body. The motion made him feel as if he had lost his mind, because he had never felt this way with anybody else.

_And it’s not even romantic. It’s scary, because you don’t know what to expect._

That had been one of the thoughts that had tried hard to enter his consciousness, to prevent him from losing control, loosening his tight grip on the situation. But instead of denying it entry, Hoseok was aware of it. Aware that he couldn’t categorize Hyungwon and for that reason had no idea whether the other man would try to hurt him or help, which would end up breaking him even more.

_But can he even break you more? You’re so broken already._

He was so broken that the need to connect their bodies, to feel Hyungwon around him and to move together overcame the fear, the need for control, the attempt to show the other man that there was still something worthy within him. To show that he was able to do it right, but he couldn’t. He could only follow the overwhelming longing and moan when Hyungwon took him completely with his lips parted in a sound that he wanted to hear all the time.

_At least make him feel it all, Hoseok. Make him dizzy and give him a few moments of peace before he becomes scared again, worried, and trying to find a solution for this. His head doesn’t give him peace either. He has his canvas that he’s trying to fill with all his might and you have your gallery._

Hoseok let his hands travel over the gorgeous body and the rope that formed intricate patterns on Hyungwon’s chest as he gave the other man time to adjust and get used to him.

“I don’t know anybody who can be graceful in this situation, but you’re indeed special, aren’t you?” he asked, drawing the shape of Hyungwon’s lips and pulling at the bottom one to reveal the other man’s bottom teeth.

_Be happy if he doesn’t try to bite off your finger after all that teasing._

Hyungwon didn't, instead he licked over the digit and hummed in pleasure after a shift of his hips. The big eyes closed and Hoseok couldn't get enough of the pleasure-stricken expression on the other man's face.

"So are you," Hyungwon whispered and let go of his finger with a smile that showed relief and pure bliss. The constant teasing must have blurred the gorgeous man's senses and pushed him close to dizziness. "Make me scream. I know you want to."

“I do. You’ve been such a good boy, so I have to.” Hoseok masked his own arousal with a verbal provocation and wrapped both hands around Hyungwon’s slim hips, before rolling his own, overwhelmed by how good it felt to be so close after a long time.

Hyungwon moaned out loud and threw his head back, thighs pulling together. It was the only way the other man was able to keep himself in place while at the same time showing how little he wanted Hoseok to stop.

"Are you telling me you don't want this?" the black-haired man hissed suddenly before lifting his hips and pushing them down right after, observing his reaction while moaning himself.

“What do you think?” he asked back after barely containing a moan and letting his eyes flutter shut to not show Hyungwon how they rolled back at the intense sensation. He loved how Hyungwon’s length moved along with the other man’s desperate motions, but at the same time he looked stunning, beautifully tied but with a personality that couldn’t be tied, no matter which rope he used.

_And you love it. Why do you love it?_

"I think that you can barely breathe because you want me so much," Hyungwon whispered and slowed down his motions, only rolling his hips horizontally as if he knew exactly how well it stimulated his tip along with the constant contractions. "You can't think about anything else, but you're too hesitant about letting go, holding onto the strings of control the way I do until you fill me out and I can't think about anything else. The only reason I'm not incoherent is because I'm trying to keep you from hitting just right. Shit."

Suddenly, Hyungwon paused for a few seconds before bringing his hips down with a wave and moaning breathlessly.

"If you want me, then- then you have to let go with me, Hoseok."

_But you never can. Not completely. Not…_

"Leave me that one thing," he whispered and pulled the other man closer to improve the angle before rolling his hips. Hyungwon suddenly seemed way more coherent. That meant that he had been doing a shit job, only thinking about his own loss of control and forgetting about the purpose.

_You wanted to make him stop thinking, but instead ended up thinking yourself._

The motion had the desired effect as Hyungwon's whole body contracted around him and the other man moaned loudly, eyes losing focus. Hyungwon struggled to get it back as one hip thrust was followed by the next. A beautiful blush began to blossom on the round cheeks and full lips parted to release one moan after the next. It was so easy for Hyungwon to let go if he allowed himself, it took matter of seconds and no more.

"Please," the low voice begged him, repeating the word. "Please let me have you, Hoseok."

_You thought he wanted you, but he had only wanted information, so maybe it's the same now? You can't just let go, what would you have left then? Did you have anything in the first place?_

Hoseok sat up, curling one arm around Hyungwon's slim, tied waist and attached his lips to the warm neck, kissing it and covering it in tender bites, moving his hips slowly and teasingly. It felt so good and he didn't want to admit it, but he didn't want it to end. "It's not enough?"

"It shouldn't be," Hyungwon gasped and leaned into the touch, trembling from the pleasure that was coursing through him. "It shouldn't be, but it is. It is because it's you and I'm willing to accept anything as long as it's you. You drive me utterly mad and I can't-" Another moan sounded as the gorgeous body contracted around him and Hyungwon continued babbling. "I can't do anything but let you, because you seem to be the only one I need. Fuck, what am I supposed to do, Hoseok? Please have me and don't stop."

_He likes it a lot, that's why._

At least he was doing something right and giving Hyungwon pleasure and a retreat from his mind was more important than his unwillingness to stop. "I'll take care of you," he murmured before lifting Hyungwon from his lap and returning the gorgeous man to his previous position, hips lifted in the air and cheek pressed against the sheets. "I'll make you scream, so don't worry and let go."

_He's so vulnerable, breathing heavily and waiting for you to take him._

Inhaling deeply, Hoseok stroked over the round, perky behind and pushed himself inside the tight heat slowly, making sure Hyungwon was okay with the pace until his hip bones touched the golden skin and he finally exhaled. Hyungwon looked gorgeous, hands tied behind his back, red rope looking as if it belonged to the other man, as if they had found each other.

"I love you," Hyungwon muttered incoherently, his whole body shaking before him. Words kept leaving the plump lips without a break, repeating confessions along with his name and some things Hoseok couldn’t understand. "I love you so fucking much. It doesn't even matter what you do to me, just don't get hurt and stay. Shit, I love you so much."

He hadn't expected confessions and he didn't expect them to make him feel the way they did. Maybe Hyungwon was babbling but considering that the person on the sheets lied most of the time, trying to get a kick, get more information and to feel less empty, it meant too much. More than he could handle.

_He told you not to get hurt, but it's impossible._

"For me… you're not blank at all," he whispered as he started moving, stroking over the rope and the skin shining through before moving on to Hyungwon's hips, moving slowly at first then picking up the pace.

Hyungwon kept whimpering from sensitivity with each motion and muttering his name. The other man's muscles were tense from his attempts to stay in place and his fingers curled along with his toes.

"Because you give me colour," the black-haired man whispered as he gasped for air.

_You don't._

He tried to ignore it, focusing on the sensations and how his arousal spiked with every motion, how Hyungwon's body took him and made him feel everything with greater intensity, making him forget for a moment that there was no solution. Distracting him from the fact that he was in a situation he couldn't have predicted and that he had to do everything possible to keep the person below him safe.

"I love you," he whispered, so unlike himself as he leaned in to improve the angle and held Hyungwon tightly, keeping him safe as he promised. At least for the moment.

The other man didn't return the words this time, even if he tried as moans took over his speech and his eyes fell shut. Hyungwon was delirious and let himself be held as a few more thrusts were enough to feel the man in his arms tremble and dry orgasm. The gorgeous body was almost limp in his hands before he continued and leaned over completely, placing kisses against Hyungwon's neck with one hand wrapping around the other man's length, teasing and stroking it with every thrust.

Hyungwon began begging, repeating the same words over and over again as he tried to hold onto the red rope with his fingers but wasn't able to. Only when Hoseok leaned close enough to touch Hyungwon's curled ear with his lips, he was able to decipher some of the words that left the beautiful man.

"Please colour me, Hoseok. I don't care if it's red or black. They are my favourite colours."

"You don't need me to," he whispered.

 _He doesn't need you_ , his mind provided as he attempted to silence it with faster motions, more sensations. It was hard to breathe, it was, and he stopped breathing when Hyungwon twitched in his hand and came with a low gorgeous groan, thighs flexing and body clenching around him.

"You're not blank, you're gorgeous," he muttered, carefully stroking over the rope covered wrists before slowly undoing the knots and unwrapping Hyungwon like a present that still showed the marks of the wrap.

"Don't stop," Hyungwon murmured and as soon as the other man's hands were able to move, they reached towards his hips and pulled them closer, fingers digging slightly into his skin. "But I want you to kiss me. Please, Hoseok."

"Your arms must be feeling a bit sore, but it'll pass after half an hour." Hoseok brushed over the rope marks on Hyungwon's gorgeous golden sandy skin and asked himself how much he had fucked up by losing control but at the same time keeping his mind aware of the thoughts that rained down on him. "I want to kiss you too." It was the truth, so he pulled out and turned the light body, glancing at the red ropes that still graced the slim chest. Lifting up Hyungwon's legs, he pushed himself inside with a moan.

Hyungwon's arms instantly wrapped around his neck, followed by the long legs that crossed at his back. Plump lips found his in a matter of seconds, kissing him intently before doing the same with the rest of his face. The touches were affectionate and even the moans that were caught by their lips didn't change that.

"Move for me," the black-haired man whispered and trembled with pleasure when he did. "Move for me and drown me like the ocean does."

_He isn't lying, is he?_

He didn't know and somehow it seemed as if he had to get used to the fact that he wouldn't be able to know because Hyungwon was like that. The person that wrapped around him was like that and he loved it.

Cursing briefly, he kissed back and rolled his hips, catching Hyungwon's moans with his lips and making sure that it felt good, so good that the orgasm washed over him instantly, making him wonder whether Hyungwon had drowned him like the ocean instead.

Kisses were the first thing he registered as soon as the pleasure faded to the background. Hyungwon was stroking over his hair and kissing his cheeks, jaw and lips while murmuring soft confessions in his ear. It felt like a dream that couldn't be his.

"You're precious," Hyungwon murmured and kissed him with more force. "Along with your gallery."

He couldn't help but shake his head because accepting it didn't feel right. He focused his gaze on the big brown eyes, but what was he searching for? Something that would let him believe those words? Believe that he was precious and deserved to feel the way he did?

Smiling at himself and his inability to change or accept, Hoseok did the only thing he knew worked and closed his eyes.

Fingertips caressed his cheek and traced his jaw as Hyungwon kissed his forehead this time.

"Maybe you don't feel that way, but I do. To me you are all those things and more, Hoseok."

_Does he imagine you in a certain way?_

"I'm mostly stupid because I was supposed to remain in control, but didn't even think about a condom, which is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm clean, but I'm still sorry."

The warm palm remained on his cheek as Hyungwon shook his head, chuckling briefly.

"You're apologising for something that I wanted. I wanted you to give yourself to me, whatever that entails." Shifting, Hyungwon gasped and held his breath to return his composure, too sensitive even a few minutes after orgasm. "Honestly, a condom is the least of my concerns right now."

"But you deserve something… better. If I wanted to give myself to you, I would give you a better version of myself, I would kill everything bad and only leave the good things, but unfortunately… there would be nothing left, so I can't. God, aren't you sick of listening to this?" He felt a bit disgusted by the sudden self-pity and his inability to have what he wanted because he himself was the problem, and carefully pulled out, cleaning Hyungwon up with the towel that the other man had taken out of the bag.

_You never change._

"You were perfect. And because I know that there's exactly one thing that you like in this world, I'm going to answer three of your questions without lying or hiding anything." Hoseok smiled and sat on Hyungwon's lap, tracing the rope marks absentmindedly.

A grin spread the other man's plump lips and he roamed over his muscular chest. "I could never get sick of listening to you, no matter what you might think of yourself. Right now, I'm wondering why you are only allowing me three questions."

"Because…" He grinned back, teasing Hyungwon's nipples briefly. "Because I know so much that it might be dangerous."

"I guess there is a reason for having to limit the information you give me. I hope you aren't expecting me to lose interest." Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow and used his nails to draw red lines on his stomach that disappeared within seconds. "I need your information to get us out of this."

_He thinks he'll get you out of this?_

It was a bit funny, so he chuckled and stroked over the black hair. "You're my hero. There's a reason. Most of it is just disturbing, so why would you need to know? Not that you need to know any of it, I just wanted to give you something that you like and that happens to be information."

Hyungwon pursed his lips, examining him intently until he sighed and stroked over the skin he had been scratching over.

"Alright. You provided the rules and I shall play along this time." Arranging his arms behind his head, Hyungwon suddenly grinned. "Three questions it is."

Only now that Hoseok examined the expression on the other man's face, did he realise that Hyungwon hadn't asked a single question until now, purposefully wording his statements in such a way that Hoseok provided answers without being explicitly asked.

"The first one is as follows," Hyungwon began and cleared his throat. The shine in the big brown eyes was worth digging into the things Hoseok knew. Information was really something that excited the black-haired man. "If you wanted me to be able to catch them and get us out of here without endangering yourself, what would you tell me?"

_Sneaky, but hard to answer because it's a mess._

Hoseok smiled, once again aware of the fact that Hyungwon was one smart kitten. Of course, the gorgeous man wasn't a journalist for nothing, getting the most information by asking just one question.

_But he doesn't know some things and maybe it's better this way._

Closing his eyes, he allowed himself to sink deeper into the black pool of his memories, times when his reality was a different one, a darker one that hurt more, one that hurt differently. When he opened them again, the first thing he saw were the brown eyes that observed him intently, as if every twitch in his expression, his motions, contained information that Hyungwon was carefully collecting while he had been thinking.

_You don't know what his conclusions are and it's making you uncomfortable._

"I see, you're trying to get the most with as little investment as possible," he commented, brushing his hair back and glancing at his painting briefly. It didn't do Hyungwon justice and he hated it. "I would tell you to sacrifice me and start anew somewhere far away from here, but you said not to endanger myself. It's hard. I guess first, I would give you the list of the members who are involved with the Spanish police. Then I would explain how the meetings work, the members who are crucial for the organisation and should be taken down first, which judges are corrupt and won't give a fair judgment, where you could get them easiest because they don't expect it and of course… a witness."

_A witness who knows so much that it'll be easy to put those people behind bars with their testimony, but who'll be killed immediately after testifying. You._

“I’m assuming that is you,” Hyungwon murmured and seemed in thought, facial expression changing as he contemplated the next steps. “Do it then. Give me the list, tell me about the meetings and who we need to get rid of first to stay safe. I know quite a bit since I have seen a meeting before, but it wasn’t anything major. If you know all these things then-”

The other man tried to sit up but wasn’t really able to because Hoseok was sitting on his lap. The brown eyes were wide with awe and excitement. “We might actually survive this. Holy shit.”

_He might. He should._

Hoseok hummed and smiled at how Hyungwon winced as soon as he felt the weight on him and sat up. He climbed from the warm lap and wondered whether he should put on underwear or take a swim.

_You can’t fuck this up, Hoseok. It’s not a painting, it’s about the only canvas that doesn’t feel like a rotten limb._

_It’s like you are his rotten limb._

“And now imagine riding a motorbike for six hours,” he commented and grinned. “Would you like to take a swim to make it worse?”

"Smooth way to distract from all those things you wanted to tell me, but as you probably know I cannot say no to the ocean." Hyungwon brushed through his long black hair and got up from the bed, skin still glistening with a few sweat drops. "I've always wanted to live like this, one step to the ocean, but I never dared to because it ruined the idea that it was mine. But there is nobody here, so it somehow is, isn't it? Even during the day, it feels like it's mine."

“All of it is yours. All you lay your gaze on.” He smiled and felt a brief rush of adrenaline and anxiety before wrapping his fingers around the slim wrist and pulling the tall man along. “I promised I would tell you. I will, don’t worry.”

_You will…_

"I'm not," Hyungwon replied and smiled back, easily overtaking him with his long legs and ending up being the one who pulled him towards the ocean. "Let me show you my paradise, only covered in daylight this time. Do you still think it resembles me?"

The breeze was strong so close to the water and one might have been concerned about the foundation of the house that was partially visible. The sand was a perfect mixture between yellow and white and Hyungwon hummed when his naked feet sunk into its heat.

“I do,” he muttered back, in awe at how natural Hyungwon looked, standing naked in the sand with his messy locks flying around ruffled up by the breeze and with the ocean in the background. As if he belonged there. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt this overwhelmed by a person before.”

_He’s unreal. You don’t trust him, but you trust him, you love him but how can you if you hate yourself so much? He makes you feel alive and you strive for the feeling even though you don’t want to live. How does he do that? Or is it just you being fake about your own pain?_

"Neither have I," Hyungwon replied and grinned before tugging at his arm to make him hurry up towards the water. They had to go a few meters further than they would have to at night until their feet were covered by waves and Hyungwon inhaled loudly, eyes closed, and head thrown back.

"I'm not sure why I'm telling you all these things, let me know when you get bored. When I read the tale of the little mermaid for the first time, the original one, I thought turning into foam sounded fucking amazing." Hyungwon laughed like he thought it was ridiculous. "I didn't get the point of being with the dude, so I thought being foam that can travel all over the world was much cooler. I was sad when my mom told me I can’t, and that foam has no consciousness."

“Being foam sounds amazing. I would love to have no consciousness and no memory, no things to remember, to fear, no things to love and to lose, just me, a nothing surrounded by the world that doesn’t care about me.” Hoseok closed his eyes too and inhaled the sea air. He loved the scent and it seemed different from the Mediterranean Sea. The ocean was bigger, endless, ready to cover everything with its body of water.

"But is this 'nothing' really what you want?" Hyungwon asked and stared straight ahead at the horizon before turning to look at him, eyes bright because of the sunlight that was playing around the hazel-coloured iris. "Nothing would mean that there are no positive feelings either, no ocean, no warm breeze, no sand under your feet, no smiles that you observe in the middle of the night. None of that would be there either. Don't you wish for the pain to disappear instead?"

“Hmm. But that’s what I’m saying, just that you are seeing the pain as something that is not connected to me, and for me it’s just pain. I am pain. Being alive is pain. So for the pain to disappear I need to disappear. Does that make sense? But then again, what if it doesn’t? What if I’m trying to fool myself? I’m still alive, so it can’t be that bad, I guess.” He sighed and glanced at the waves, feeling a longing to go into the water and let it cover his head.

"I… cannot answer that for you, but I can tell you something selfish, how I feel about this." Hoseok felt fingertips dance over his upper arm and down to his fingers before Hyungwon stepped deeper into the water and took him along. "I don't want you to become nothing, because I want to have you next to me. Like this."

Turning towards him, Hyungwon reached for his arms to arrange them around the slim waist before curling his own around his neck.

_Why can’t you believe it? It feels so real. You can feel it with every cell of your body and you can paint it on a canvas because it’s there. You don’t imagine it, so why can’t you just…_

“Do I make you feel a certain way?” he asked to make sure and pulled the warm body closer in the cool waves, overwhelmed by the many sensations, by how genuine Hyungwon’s gaze looked, if he could distinguish it, but it seemed like it. Right now, it did.

"You do," Hyungwon whispered and pressed a kiss to his cheek before traveling down to his neck and returning to his lips. It felt tender, like Hyungwon wanted to keep the touch for as long as possible. Still it ended, and the other man stepped out of his embrace. Hoseok assumed that Hyungwon had enough, but instead the long fingers wrapped around his wrist and pulled him back towards the shore. When the water was only tickling their toes every now and then, Hyungwon smiled and arranged his left hand on the slim waist while connecting the fingers of Hoseok's right hand with his own, lifting them in the air. A smile was on the plump mouth. "Would you dance with me, Hoseok? I've never danced on the sand."

He smiled back because Hyungwon looked at ease and somehow even happy and because it was amazing how all the places that the other man considered his space made him want to dance. To experience how it made him feel to move along with the person in his arms, explore it like that. “I would love to,” he murmured in reply and remembered the steps Hyungwon had shown him, carefully moving his feet and trying to not make a mistake.

_You can't make mistakes. You have one chance to not fuck up._

Hyungwon let him lead and moved a little closer, humming a simple melody that matched their steps. When Hoseok got slightly out of rhythm for a second, the low voice simply adjusted it to fit again, filling the air with pleasant notes and the sound of waves as they turned around and round.

When the melody got quieter and their steps slowed down, leaving them standing on the sand between their new home and the ocean, Hyungwon met his gaze.

"I want to ask my second question, Hoseok," the black-haired man murmured and pressed a tender kiss to his lips. The sensation remained even after Hyungwon leaned back.

_The second question? Now?_

He nodded, swallowing down all the emotions that were there from a simple dance over the sand and loosened his embrace to reply.

Hyungwon's eyes were focused on him, roaming over his face as the other man waited for a few moments before speaking.

"Do you want to disappear right now too?"

_No._

The question caught him off guard, stopping his thoughts that had been running in a circle and always came back to the same spot. The fact that he wasn’t worth anything good that happened to him. But this time, Hyungwon didn’t want any information on the gang, instead the person in front of him had exchanged the opportunity to know more for a simple feeling that Hoseok was supposed to share. The feeling of standing next to the person he loved at the sea after dancing in the sand, naked and vulnerable, bare and without a single cover hiding what they were feeling.

“No,” he whispered. “I… don’t want to disappear. I want to dance with you again. In the gallery.”

***

Fine particles of dust danced in the air as Hyungwon blew on the surface of the old oak desk that he covered with various sheets of paper right after. Anybody who glanced at it from the door to the equally dusty room wouldn’t have been able to tell what material it was made of.

_It almost feels like home, doesn’t it?_

He smiled to himself even though the long list of names written in Hoseok’s delicate handwriting was anything but a reason for cheerfulness. No matter what Hyungwon had expected, a gang being able to infiltrate the state police to such a degree, far surpassed his expectations.

_You were playing monopoly all this time but the streets you thought were yours ended up being theirs for a long time now._

The last few days had been filled with his attempts to make sense of everything and come up with a way to get the two of them out of this. Hoseok had been living peacefully before this and Hyungwon had gotten them into this mess, so obviously he had to be the one to get them back out.

_He gave you all this information, so you better use it well._

The list of names shared desk space with several sheets of paper that contained corrupt judges, an outline of meeting procedures and finally his crossed out ideas. Hyungwon had thought of simply reporting all the individuals on the lists, but he had no real proof they were corrupt. In order to be successful, he needed somebody who trusted his words alone and unfortunately, he wasn’t particularly known to have believable words.

_You always provided evidence, but this time there is nothing but Hoseok’s word._

The words of an individual that most trustworthy members of police had never heard of wasn’t going to get him far, so he needed to take this slow. To catch them red handed somehow, set a trap for them.

_But they must know that you have Hoseok with you and that you know what he knows now._

There was nothing keeping them safe at this point. Nothing apart from their remote location and Hyungwon wasn’t used to that feeling. His identity had never been as compromised as it was now, clear to a bunch of people that wanted him and the man he had fallen in love with dead. It wasn't a damn fairy-tale in which both of them ended up victorious and all their enemies behind bars.

_You cannot pretend to be somebody else because they know, they know, and they won’t care about your attempts to infiltrate or get them. No matter what you do they will be careful._

The excitement he loved so much was there, bubbling in his chest, but it wasn’t as pure as he liked it to be. A risk was only that, a risk, a possibility of getting hurt, but it felt like Hyungwon was toying with his own and Hoseok’s life at this point, juggling it all with shaking fingers.

_There’s no going back once you drop it._

Groaning, he stood up and fumbled in one of the smaller drawers of the wooden desk, looking for the small key he had hidden there for a safe that was behind the broken TV. It contained the one mobile device he kept in the safe house for calls like the one he was about to make. He had discarded his current mobile phone on their way just in case and the small red device that he took out of the grey safe was their only connection to the outside world at this point.

Hyungwon chewed on his bottom lip and dialled Antonio’s phone number, listening to a few signal tones until a connection was finally established.

“Where the hell are you?” he heard even before telling the man on the other line that it was him. “They ransacked the fucking house and I was just waiting to find your corpse somewhere. Are you okay?”

_You made it out in time. They hadn’t expected you to leave._

Hyungwon exhaled a bunch of air he hadn’t realized he was holding and focused on the problem at hand. It didn’t matter what had happened after they left, not anymore because they had to focus on the possible solutions to their problems. Only that there weren't any, not yet.

_But still you have to find them._

He had to find a way to catch the guys threatening them and as soon as he managed, the two of them could return to what they knew. Hoseok could continue being somebody unknown and paint and Hyungwon was going to return to uncovering assholes like the ones that wanted him dead. Perfect.

_Now you only need to come up with a way to get there._

“Mmh,” he hummed and fumbled with his papers until he found the one that only had the names that were relevant to his friend, that gave Antonio the opportunity to at least clean up his own department and thereby not reveal anything to people that weren’t trustworthy. It should have been enough to create a space in which they could work towards their safety. “I have a few names for you.”

“What? How would you get names if I didn’t even know whether you are among the living?” Antonio sounded exasperated but realized in the last moment that they were talking about something confidential and began to speak more quietly.

_He better not ruin this before it even started._

Hyungwon looked around even though there was nobody in the room and the only person that could have been there was usually outside staring at the waves or drinking the glass of water that Hyungwon regularly placed on the old kitchen table for him.

_He must be feeling lost too, unable to do what he usually does. But you are going to fix this somehow._

“That doesn’t matter. I am safe for now and so is the owner of the house. I am going to send you a coded list of names. Even if it seems crazy, you have to believe me this time. My source is fool-proof and we need to create a safe space to work before finding a way to catch the rest red-handed. There is no other way to enable an arrest. Do you understand?” He spoke calmly on purpose, playing out the role of the investigative journalist who had everything under control. "We don't want anybody to die, so this is what you'll have to do."

_You usually are in control, but this time you have to act, huh?_

Antonio was quiet on the other line, but Hyungwon knew that the connection hadn’t been interrupted as the other man kept inhaling and exhaling in a quick rhythm. Hyungwon's sudden call was a lot to take, but the list of names was going to be even more of a shock.

_He trusts some of these people with his life._

“I’m sorry that you are the one I have to burden with this, but there is nobody else I can trust,” Hyungwon whispered when Antonio didn’t say anything else for several long seconds. He understood, he did. It was dangerous for his friend to be in contact with him, to act without official orders and now that Hyungwon had the list of names it wasn’t all that surprising that his identity had been discovered.

_Antonio still has to report to his superior, but the superior he reports to might be the reason Hoseok got stabbed._

“I understand,” Antonio murmured eventually, “I’ll do what I can.”

It was the most Hyungwon could hope for, so he hummed before cancelling the call and ruffling up his hair. It didn’t feel good enough, none of it did. Even if Antonio was able to organize a meetup and figure out that some of those guys were in contact with the gang, it wasn’t good enough to clean up the Spanish police and keep Hoseok safe.

_You need a meeting, an official meeting with important people. A place where a crime is planned, so you can catch them in the act._

If only Hyungwon had a way to be somebody else, this once, he could have done it. But without his ability to act, to become somebody else, he was a helpless nobody.

_

Naked knees, grass, a fresh breeze. Hyungwon looked down at his thighs that were only partially covered by an oversized white shirt. It was comfortable and smelled like Hoseok even though the other man hadn't worn it for a long time, leaving it to Hyungwon since he enjoyed it so much.

Lifting the sleeves to his face to inhale the scent better, Hyungwon closed his eyes and thought of the gigantic canvas Hoseok had filled with his art just now. He couldn't reconstruct it in his mind, but he knew that it was beautiful and made him feel again.

_He always does. But why can't you reconstruct the painting? Don't you always stare at it until you can?_

His eyes remained closed while he tried to remember the picture, but the scent of flowers and paint began to fade into the background and made way for old iron and something that upset his stomach and caused his hands to shiver.

Shocked, he pulled his hands away from his eyes, only to be met with dark red stains covering his white shirt and drops landing on his naked thighs, so dark in contrast to his skin. In one moment it was daylight and in the next it was pitch dark and Hyungwon couldn't make out anything except for the white of Hoseok's eyes and the hands that held onto his face tightly and kept whispering that it was okay and that Hyungwon didn't need to save him, that there was no point and that dying like this was more of a blessing than a punishment.

_No._

"No," he whispered back and tried to cover Hoseok's palms with his own, but his fingers seemed to move right through as the blonde man let go of him and fell on the grass, lips unmoving and chest so still that it felt like the wind had paused too.

 _No._ Hyungwon looked at his hands again before looking around and trying to figure out where he was. _No, this isn't what happened_.

When a sudden dull pain spread from the back of his head throughout his body, Hyungwon opened his eyes wide and couldn't stop shaking. Opening his eyes meant that they had been closed all this time, that he had been dreaming with his head pressed tightly against the headboard.

_You dreamt about it, but your brain made it so much worse._

Lying on the sweat-drenched sheets, Hyungwon tried to calm his heart while detesting his memory for remembering all the details, for knowing everything so well that he could reconstruct it in his dreams and make it worse.

_What if he isn't okay?_

The fear was sudden and only reinforced by the empty space next to him, the cold sheets that told him nobody had slept there for a long time.

_You should be used to it, but why does it feel different?_

A glance at his watch revealed that it was three in the morning, pitch dark and lonely. Hyungwon rarely woke up with Hoseok next to him, but still it felt strange.

_Because this is the time that he watches you, but he isn't._

Hoseok hadn’t been around at all over the past days. The other man hadn't touched his brushes, hadn't said more than a few words and spent the time eating when Hyungwon told him to and staring at the waves.

_But what have you been doing? You've been planning all this time. How do you even know what he was doing?_

Suddenly, it seemed so obvious. The way Hoseok threw him a glance but ended up leaving without saying a word, how the blonde man accepted the glass and stared for longer than usual, but Hyungwon had instantly returned to planning their escape and a way to ensure their safety.

_You've been neglecting him. You haven't talked for days because you were trying to find a solution. What were you even thinking?_

His dream came back to mind and a cold shudder travelled down his neck and all the way to his lower back. How could he abandon somebody who was convinced that he deserved being discarded?

_He will want to make sacrifices, thinking that you don't need him. He showed you the gallery, but you're spending your time far away from it._

Hyungwon threw the blanket aside and wiped over his sweaty forehead before simply running the few meters to the front door. He didn't know for sure, but somehow, he expected Hoseok to be outside, sitting on the sand like he had done a few times.

_You would have done the same, choosing the spot that is closest to the sea._

Stepping out on the cold, wet ground, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around himself and thanked the moonlight for enabling him to see the waves and finally a figure that sat so close to the water that their feet ended up covered every second wave, all the way up to the ankles.

Hoseok looked beautiful with the moonlight reflecting off his light hair and the dark gaze that was directed towards the water.

Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon walked the few steps towards the other man before sitting down next to him, wet sand sticking to his naked skin.

"Hey," he whispered and wrapped his arms around his knees, hoping to keep warm despite the wind blowing against his sweat-covered skin.

“Can’t sleep?” Hoseok asked after a few long moments filled with silence, night air and the waves in the background reminding him that they were indeed at the shore. It felt like a dream, a much better one than what he had left behind on the sheets. “I thought that you were made to be here because you have been sleeping so well since we arrived. Maybe it’s the waves. They’re a bit hypnotizing, as if calling you to bury you under.”

_You're made to be here? But what about him?_

"I've never thought of letting them bury me though," Hyungwon replied quietly, lying because the silence that followed as soon as he dove into the water was one of the things he loved the most about the ocean. "I'm here because of a dream."

_It's truthful, but not really, huh?_

"Was it a nice dream?" Hoseok asked and made him aware of the lack of the usual eye contact that was too intense for him sometimes. Mostly when he wanted to focus on a specific thought and the artist stared at him, robbing him of the opportunity to look away and focus. But now it was gone. Hoseok was gone.

_He went into the ocean without you._

"No," he whispered and felt a sense of dread creep into his body and spread all the way to his fingertips. Hyungwon had wanted to save the two of them all this time, but now it felt like he had lost Hoseok on the way. He shivered, and it wasn't only the cold covering his naked skin in goose bumps. "It wasn't, because I dreamt of losing you."

"Losing me? I died?" The low voice sounded emotionless, as if it was a topic as bland as the weather or a decision about what to eat for dinner. "I guess you didn't smile this time. Because of me. I'm sorry. It won't take long."

_Shit._

Hyungwon couldn't bear the apathetic reply, the assumption that the other man's death was what he was waiting for all this time. He got up and sank down on his knees right in front of Hoseok, icy palms grabbing the round face and hoping to establish eye contact. He was freezing but somehow Hoseok's cheeks felt even colder than his hands did.

_It's just like when you returned and lost his trust. When you lost him._

"Why can't you understand that I don't want to lose you?" he murmured and blinked a few times because the words brought back the images of his dream and it terrified him. "Maybe that is what you think I should wish for, but it's not. It's not what I want at all, Hoseok. I want to get us out of this and that's what I'm trying to do. But not just me, us. Do you hear me?"

"I do. I'm like a limb that you carry around because you feel guilty about it, but you have to understand that I'm rotten and let go. I don't think that you wish I would die in front of you in some scary, cruel way. It wouldn't make a difference and only make you have bad dreams. I just meant that you don't have to wait for a long time to forget about all those things. It will be fine. And now go back to sleep."

_Is that really what he thinks?_

Hyungwon stared at the man in front of him, at the way his hands cupped the equally cold cheeks and his presence changed nothing about the expression on Hoseok's face.

_It's because you hurt him. He's pushing you away because you hurt him, you can't let him do that._

"You're not a limb that I carry around out of guilt, Hoseok," he murmured, barely able to pronounce the words because they were so far from the truth. "You're the person I'm in love with and I'm so sorry for drowning in my pathetic attempts to save us. I- I still don't have a solution. I thought I would, but- but even with everything you told me there is no proof. The police don't care about our words. I-"

_Why does the truth always rain from your lips when it comes to him? Is it because of your feelings? Because you feel safe with him while being unable to make him feel the same way?_

"You must be so worried. It feels different to see you like this, because without me around, you would've moved, worn that red suit and put on an exciting show, but you're scared and I'm the one causing it. But don't worry. It'll be over soon. You can go back to being the gorgeous, multifaceted man that you are." Hoseok smiled, but not at him. The other man didn't seem to look at him at all, averting his gaze and glancing at the waves.

_What does he mean? What will be over soon?_

Hyungwon didn't like the way it sounded, how final Hoseok made it seem. There was nothing resembling a solution in the other man's words, nothing that involved both.

_He sounds like he wants to save you, but not himself._

"What are you talking about, Hoseok? What will be over soon?" He raised his voice a little, hoping to be louder than the waves and the voice in Hoseok's head.

_He said it's the only voice that stayed constant over the years. How can you compete if you disappear for days after dancing with him on the sand and confessing your love?_

"I'm talking about you. Will you promise me that you'll start anew with new people and somewhere far away from Madrid after this is over? There are many places where you can smell the sea."

_But why?_

Hyungwon tried to decipher something from the expression on the other man's face, but it was the same one he had seen when Hoseok painted, the face of somebody who was in his own world.

_In the gallery._

"Why new people? Why not you?" Hyungwon didn't understand and stroked over Hoseok's neck and shoulders, squeezing briefly in the hope to return the dark gaze that he missed so much. "Let me in, Hoseok. Please."

"There's nothing to see. Would you like me to lay next to you when you sleep? Let's go back inside." The artist slowly lifted from the sand and pulled him up, stroking over his goose bumps covered arms once. "You're freezing, and I don't want you to feel that way. Not because of me. Not again."

_He's completely out of it and it doesn't matter what you say._

"I'm feeling that way because of the cold," he murmured and reached out to intertwine Hoseok's fingers with his own. He knew that it didn't change anything, but it still felt better as they stepped back into the old house and listened to the wooden boards screech from their weight.

He led both through the dark hallway towards the bedroom. He had fixed the light, but he still preferred the darkness and it seemed like Hoseok did too.

"You say that you don't want me to feel cold. Will you hold me?" he asked quietly and let go of Hoseok's cool palm before lying down on the bed and stretching out his arms. His heart was beating furiously in his chest because he couldn't anticipate what Hoseok might do, how he might react.

_Not when he is in this state._

"Will you sleep then?" the low voice asked back as Hoseok climbed into the bed. "Don't worry, you won't lose me. To lose anything there needs to be something in the first place."

"You think there isn't?" He swallowed and held his breath, feeling the same sensation of dread return because he couldn't tell if Hoseok was talking negatively about himself or if the other man implied that there was nothing between them. He wrapped his arms around the muscular shoulders and inhaled the familiar scent, hoping to get rid of the emotional discomfort.

Hoseok didn't say anything, leaving him with his anxiety and possible explanations that all sounded pessimistic. Only after a few moments had passed, did the pale arms wrap around him in return, embracing him as if the artist tried to be close and keep him at a distance at the same time. "I'm so sorry that you're too scared to sleep. It shouldn't be like this."

"Why do you think I'm scared to sleep?" he asked next and hoped that there was a misunderstanding he could address, anything he could say to change the way Hoseok thought.

_What will you do if he loses his trust once again? You can't fuck up twice, Hyungwon. It's two times too many._

“Because you might think that I will go into the waves and disappear and then you have to deal with my family matters and your life is already in danger in a way you can’t imagine. But I won’t leave you. Not until this is resolved and you can be the person you want to be without having to fear for your life.” Hoseok lay on the pillow and carefully stroked over the length of his arm, forcing goose bumps to return but this time it wasn’t because of the cold. It was because Hoseok’s touch felt so tender.

_The person you want to be… away from him._

"But what if…" he began and let his eyes flutter shut. With the darkness, warmth and sweet scent it almost felt perfect. "What if I want you to stay, even when all of this is resolved?"

As soon as he said it, Hyungwon realised that it was true this time. Somehow, he had expected himself to return to his routine as soon as the danger was gone. He thought that Hoseok was going to paint and he would continue endangering himself the way he liked it, independent of each other. But it wasn't what he wanted anymore.

_You want to dance on the sand or grass. Be wherever he is, don't you?_

Hoseok hummed, letting his eyes flutter shut for the few seconds that the other man was speaking. “Mhm. It’s because you’re scared, but that’s not who you were all those weeks. People don’t change easily and you must be so scared to think that you would be happy chaining yourself to a rotten limb and be dragged into the waves even though you should be flying. You should be flying, Hyungwon. You’re so light.”

_But why does he want to bury himself in order to make you fly?_

"Do you not care about my words?" he asked and lifted his head to try to identify the expression on the other man's face. "Does it not matter what I say I want? Do you think I'm lying?"

“I care about you. No matter what happens to us, I want you to know that I do. It’s not important and it’s not valuable either, but I do, Hyungwon. I care about you the most. You might be lying, of course you might, you’re so good at it and you use it when you need something, so you might be lying to me to make me feel better. Keep lying. Keep doing it and don’t trust anybody. Nobody.” It seemed as if Hoseok was speaking his thoughts, repeating a few words repeatedly as the artist opened his eyes, black and impossible to make out the pupil in the dark.

_Don't trust anybody?_

Usually Hyungwon would have chuckled because it was one of the philosophies he lived his life by. As somebody who knew how to lie, he had experienced often enough how easy it was to trick somebody.

_But you trust him, more than anybody else._

"Not even you?"

The black eyes observed him, reflecting some of the moonlight and looking somehow alien to him. Especially with that stern look in Hoseok’s eyes. “There’s one thing I learned when I got dragged into that person’s business. If you start making exceptions, you’re lost.”

_He never calls him father._

"I don't make exceptions, I make decisions," he murmured and buried his face in the crook of Hoseok's neck. Somehow, he had to think back to his dream and what the dream had distorted. Hoseok hadn't wasted a single thought before making his way over to him to save him. It wasn't calculated and Hyungwon had been able to tell. "You proved yourself, more than once. It's not about the fact that you create a safe space for others. It's what you did for me without thinking."

“I just don’t want you to get hurt again. It can’t happen.” Hoseok’s voice suddenly sounded desperate as the cool arms pulled him flush against the artist’s firm, inked chest that smelled like sea, paint and some of the flowery scent. “Don’t get hurt.”

"I'll promise if you promise me that you won't either." He resisted the urge to melt into the embrace and forced his voice to remain steady and bring his point across. Hoseok easily decided to endanger himself for his sake and this time he wouldn't let him. "I will find a solution."

“Sleep well, Hyungwon,” the low voice whispered and Hyungwon felt a rush of adrenaline taking over him. Still, he didn't reply and remained in the other man's arms. The words were clear and what they entailed frustrated him beyond belief. Hoseok was expecting himself to get hurt while wanting Hyungwon to stay safe. It wasn't fair, and his heartbeat hammered in his ears as he thought about what to say, how he was going to show Hoseok that it was bullshit.

_You can't. Not when he is in this state and you are exhausted._

Despite his thoughts, the warmth that surrounded him was too relaxing and calm. The exhaustion took over and washed over him like a big wave, covering him in darkness, accompanied by a distant exhale against his ear.

Hyungwon couldn't help wishing that it was a promise.

_

His eyes opened suddenly, returning him to the small bedroom in an old house by the beach in Andalusia. He wasn't even confused this time, but perfectly aware of the room, the scent of old wood and sea and the empty space next to him.

_He left again._

It wasn't morning yet and Hyungwon could only vaguely guess the time, possibly five o'clock.

_Too early for him to be out and about. Does he even sleep?_

Hyungwon knew the answer to that, so he merely sighed quietly and climbed off the bed. He hadn't dreamt anything in the half an hour that he slept, and he was immensely thankful for that, feeling relatively peaceful and awake despite the little sleep.

He had wanted to go outside and look for Hoseok on the sand, but instead, he heard a quiet whisper from the room he had used as an office.

_Is he talking to himself?_

Sneaking towards the room, Hyungwon made sure to breathe quietly and paid attention to his steps. He wanted to see Hoseok while the other man expected to be unobserved.

_You learned so much about him this way._

Once he reached the door and opened it just a few centimetres, his eyes fell on the broad figure, sitting on the old desk with his legs crossed and talking on the phone. It looked so strange, especially because Hoseok was talking in such a low voice. It even seemed as if the artist was giving orders to someone. His heart was hammering in his chest and only belatedly did he realise that it was his phone Hoseok was holding in his right hand.

_He knows how to access it? Was he watching you when you took it out?_

Hyungwon couldn't believe that he had suddenly become so careless, not paying attention when he planned his next actions and led secret phone conversations.

_But who is he talking to? Why is he giving orders?_

He didn't like any of the possibilities that his mind suddenly came up with and he opened the door wider, making sure to become one with the wall as he snuck closer to be able to decipher Hoseok's words.

“That won’t do. There’s no certainty that this will work, so it needs to be perfectly planned and prepared. You saw what happens if it’s not talked through. I can’t keep him distracted forever and you have the contact.” Hoseok hissed and acted out an annoyed sigh that was so unlike the other man that he swallowed.

_He's talking about you, he can't keep you distracted._

Hyungwon's mind was racing, thinking about the stabbing while trying to understand if that had been unplanned, or was them leaving unplanned. It didn't make any sense, not with the expression on Hoseok's face as they danced on the sand or as those bloody hands reached for his face.

_It was genuine. You can tell when it's genuine and it was, but what the hell is going on?_

Suddenly, he felt afraid. Terrified that Hoseok might be a better actor than he was, that he had miscalculated and misunderstood Hoseok over all these weeks. But how was that even possible? Hyungwon had seen so much and not even he had been able to act throughout the two weeks that they lived together or time they lived together afterwards.

_If he isn't on your side, why would he get stabbed? Why would he run away with you and come here?_

It didn't make sense and even thinking in the direction of betrayal forced bile to move up his throat and for his hands to shake. It was terrifying, but even more than fear, Hyungwon felt hurt.

_Only a few hours ago he told you that he cares about you and you shouldn't trust anybody._

Hoseok told him not to make exceptions. Was this what he meant?

Taking a deep breath, Hyungwon pushed himself off the wall he was hiding against and stepped into the middle of the room, eyes fixated on Hoseok.

It was hard to tell how it felt when the dark gaze focused on him, stabbed right through his pupils and kept him caught like a red rope that wrapped around his body. The seconds ticked by before the person sitting on the old desk lifted his hand, isolated his index finger and pressed it against his lips that were so pale that there was no contrast to the skin on the slim face. The black eyes looked even more intense and his body shivered, freezing when Hoseok shook his head barely recognizably with his finger pressed against his mouth, telling him to shut up.

And he did.

Even though he felt like his blood was boiling and his eyes burned, he didn't speak a single word. Hoseok was right.

He shouldn't have made exceptions.


	16. Chapter 16

**CHAPTER 16**

_Will you ever be able to dance with him again?_

Hoseok had those thoughts so often during the past few days, continuously trying to remember how it felt to hold onto the slim waist, how smooth the warm skin felt against his fingertips, how Hyungwon smiled. His smile was the thing he would have to miss the most, but maybe it was going to erase everything, leaving nothingness.

_But you know how that person is. It won’t just end for you. Because it’s you._

A shiver ran down his spine when the clock across from the bed showed five in the morning and he still hadn’t seen the smile that he had been waiting for.

_It’s like back when you were a kid. You made up a timeline for something to happen that you would take as a good sign and be positive about the outcome or what was about to come. Just that it usually didn’t happen. What came was pain and disgust about yourself and your ability to feel it._

_And he didn’t smile._

Hoseok hated appointments the most, being ready at a certain time, prepared and somehow unable to escape because not taking it, not coming, not calling was fucking it up. He fucked up all the time and this time he really couldn’t do it.

_That’s why you’re going crazy. You know that you can’t make a mistake, but you are a mistake. You are the reason for things going bad. Fuck._

When was the last time that he had closed his eyes, peacefully or not? He couldn’t remember. He only thought that it must’ve been a long time, as he never forgot his nightmares, but somehow reality turned worse and he couldn’t remember what he dreamt when he closed his eyes.

_You want to remember?_

No. He just wanted to go back to the time when his own inability, lack of talent, emptiness and all those rotten limbs in and outside of his gallery were the only things he hated himself for.

_But now it seems like nothing and at the same time you miss that nothing._

Feeling nauseous and weak, he slowly walked into the room that Hyungwon used to plan their escape, hiding in it for hours while Hoseok went outside and stared at the waves, thinking about what to say when he heard the unpleasant voice again, how to make it work, how to prevent himself from making a mistake.

No mistakes. There was not a single mistake he could afford.

_But then again, it’s you. It can’t be you._

His insides turned when he sat on the broad desk and took out the phone that Hyungwon had hidden in a safe behind the TV, the key for which was in one of the drawers.

_Just remember that it will be okay if it’s not you. If only it’s not you, it can work._

Inhaling deeply, he pressed the button and dialled the last number in the call history until there was a low voice humming into the speaker.

“Hey. The weather is so moist that it attracts all the spiders,” he said in a voice that was so unlike him, but no matter how disgusted he was, it was better that way. He couldn’t fuck it up easily if there was something he could think of while talking.

“Mhm. They’re all over the place,” the other man replied and cleared his throat before telling him the newest information about how the preparations were going. “Can’t you just tell the boss where you are, and they’ll come and take care of it?”

“No way. He has a gigantic file full of info on hold, if anything unexpected happens to him it will be immediately released. It will be too big of a coincidence to ignore, so don’t even think about it. We need a proper plan, because otherwise it won’t do. There’s no certainty that this will work, so it needs to be perfectly planned and prepared. You’ve seen what happens if it’s not talked through. I can’t keep him distracted forever and you have the contact, so I need you to take care of this properly.”

_You’re disgusting._

He felt his stomach make a sound, so he pressed his palm against it and tried to flex his abdominal muscles to distract himself from the desire to vomit. When he lifted his gaze, there was a motion, smooth but immediately pulling his attention away from the voice that suddenly sounded distant in the speaker that was pressed against his ear. The brown eyes were wide and there was so much mistrust and hurt in them that he barely kept himself from throwing the fucking phone against the wall, but… he didn’t. He wasn’t Hoseok, he couldn’t be Hoseok because otherwise he would fuck everything up and hug Hyungwon, make him feel safe and ruin everything. Nobody needed his fucking hug. Hyungwon needed to live.

Swallowing the bile of self-disgust, he fought with himself even more and shushed the other man, keeping his finger pressed against his lips so hard that it hurt, before focusing on the words to register what was going on.

_You can’t fuck this up._

“This is difficult because I can’t contact either of you, so I can’t make sure that everything is going smoothly.”

Inhaling deeply, Hoseok produced an annoyed sound and made sure that his gaze remained on Hyungwon’s face. It was so much harder like this, but at the same time he felt that he at least had a tiny bit of control this way.

_You know how he looked at you when you were in pain. You know how it feels._

“I’m acting as if I have no idea, so I can’t just tell him to call you, but I will come up with something, so he’ll call you tomorrow and you better make sure to organize everything the way we planned. If this gets fucked up, you can ask the boss what it was like in jail, it’s not very nice, even with a lighter sentence. I have to go now. Be careful of the spiders.”

Chuckling and waiting for the short beeps on the other line, he held his breath and slowly lowered the phone. The nausea was so bad that he wanted to run to the bathroom and vomit until there was nothing left of him, but he knew that in the end he would remain. Experience taught him that much. Since they fucked up his stomach.

_He probably thinks you don’t eat because you are self-destructive._

Staring straight ahead he wondered if Hyungwon was just as disgusted and if he thought that he was still part of the gang and trying to fuck him over. But Hyungwon probably did. He would’ve thought the same, after listening to that phone call.

"It makes no sense," Hyungwon began and got louder with each word. The black-haired man remained in the middle of the room with his arms crossed. At first Hyungwon had looked hurt, but now he seemed furious, cheeks a bright red. "Why the hell would you keep pretending that I didn't catch you red-handed if you were working against me the whole time? Who did you talk to? How much of all this is pretending? I thought I was good at reading people, but now I'm not so fucking sure."

_You're not so sure either._

The other man's hands dug into his biceps while he seemed to be looking for better words.

“You like it? I copied it from that person. I have no idea how to act, so if you like it you might like the person who made me.” He closed his eyes for a few seconds, feeling another stomach cramp. If only his anxiety and the scary thoughts didn’t mingle with his stomach issues to create a wrecking ball of pain, that would’ve been great. “It makes no sense? What makes sense then?”

"The dancing made sense," Hyungwon whispered before groaning and brushing his hair back. "You copied it? I hate it. I hate it and I hate that man for doing the things he does and for smiling at me the way he did when I went to see him in prison. He's fucked in the head in all the wrong ways, so I'm wondering what the hell you are doing with my phone. Are you playing gang all by yourself? Why the fuck are you?"

_Because otherwise you have to tell him that his friend is not a friend and you’ve done enough to make him feel scared and unable to sleep._

“Do you know the spider greeting? It’s cute, right?” he commented and looked to the side, keeping his palm pressed against his stomach. “Why would you go and see him at all? I still don’t get it. Why not go into an amusement park and do the tower drop thing or whatever it’s called? Isn’t that enough adrenaline?”

"It's not the same adrenaline." Hyungwon's eyes narrowed suddenly and he stepped closer, examining his face. "You- look like yourself again. I don't understand you, Hoseok. What the hell is going on? What the fuck are you doing behind my back if it's not what I thought it was?"

_You must really be personified pain if you only look like yourself when you’re in agony._

The black-haired man reached out and grabbed the phone, checking who he called as his eyes widened.

"What the fuck? Did somebody hack the safe number Antonio gave me? Is that why he didn't say much? Because somebody was listening in? How do you even know?" Hyungwon's voice changed and he started talking faster and faster, eyes wide as he glanced through the call history and began to sort the paper on the desk even though it wasn't necessary or even relevant. Hoseok could hear mumbling as Hyungwon tried to process this new information and tie it in with what he needed to do to continue the plan of saving them. The other man sounded so anxious, but he had gotten it all wrong.

_You hate lying so much. It doesn’t give you anything apart from more pain. But look at him. He will be so fucking hurt because of you. Again._

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered and let his eyes flutter shut, thinking that maybe, if he emptied the contents of his stomach, the nausea and the cramps would go away. But then again, he knew that they wouldn’t.

"What are you sorry for?" Hyungwon asked immediately as he turned away from the desk and met his gaze, staring at him. Big palms reached for his face, holding on as Hyungwon moved closer. "What are you sorry for, Hoseok?"

_For hurting him all this time. For being you. For not having a solution, for not being more determined when trying to keep him away, just every-fucking-thing._

“Everything?” he tried and wondered why Hyungwon didn’t try to knock him out or something to escape on his bike if he thought that he was part of the whole thing. “Why aren’t you sleeping? Did you have a bad dream again?”

"Why aren't you telling me why you just called Antonio's safe phone? Why you told somebody that you are successfully shitting me for some grand fucking scheme I don't know shit about?" The same anger from before returned to Hyungwon's voice as he let go of his face and curled his fingers into fists a few times, as if to calm down. "Why are you sorry while still doing all this shit? Fuck, Hoseok. This isn't how it works. If you're sorry, then you don't fucking do it. This isn't the church and you're not getting my blessing to continue behaving like shit."

“Well, that doesn’t work with me, because I keep fucking up. Don’t tell that person any valuable information. I really didn’t want to talk to you about this because I- well, I’m a nobody actually and you seem to have been friends for a long time.” He swallowed and lifted his gaze, looking at Hyungwon. The other man had lost all his pretence and was simply standing next to the desk, dressed in his underwear and looking confused.

"Who are you even talking about? You didn't want to tell me because I'm friends with somebody? I don't have any friends, Hoseok. I'm always on my own and-" Hyungwon stopped talking in the middle as his eyes widened comically and he stepped closer. He looked so shocked. "You're not talking about Antonio, are you?"

_It must hurt so much._

“You’re not friends with him, but you called him when you were afraid of dying. That’s- pretty close. I only have one person like that,” he murmured and pressed his palm firmly against his stomach before pulling his legs on top of the desk because it didn’t fucking help and seeing Hyungwon hurt, shocked and lost because of him made it so much worse. “I’m so sorry.”

"Who did you talk to?" the other man asked instead of commenting on his words. Hoseok felt warm hands on top of his knees, holding on tightly as Hyungwon held his breath.

“The guy you called. The one who was in my house after the buff one cut my shoulder,” he murmured, reaching out with one hand and wrapping his fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist. He felt scared about the way the other man must’ve been feeling, about his reaction and as always, about being abandoned like the rotten limb that he was.

"That's impossible," Hyungwon murmured in reply, but there was no strength to the words, as if the black-haired man was too busy thinking to mean them. The long fingers tightened around his knees and Hyungwon began to babble, talking rapidly as if he spoke his thoughts without a filter. "We've worked together for years. He saved my ass a few times and is my contact in the Spanish police. He solved so many problematic cases that I helped him with. He even helped me with some of the info I gained, why would he if- it just doesn't make any sense. He knows enough to get me killed, but he never did and-"

Suddenly the babbling stopped and Hyungwon's whole body froze, remaining in place and without making a single sound. Not even a breath.

"He never did," Hyungwon whispered and closed his eyes, "until now."

“When you become a member, you swear to be loyal, so most members don’t have any personal relationships at all because they might be asked to hurt the person they love and you know, the man with the three scars, he really likes asking things like that to get off on the feeling of power. I’m so sorry that you invested your trust and most of all I’m so sorry that you keep feeling this way when being next to me. I can’t help but think that it’s because it’s me.” Hoseok didn’t know whether it was okay to hug Hyungwon, because the other man looked in so much pain, looked so lost, so hurt and disappointed, bitter. Fuck. Hoseok wanted it to stop.

Hyungwon didn't say anything and that made it so much worse. The other man was merely staring at his own hands as if he expected something to change about them any second.

"I'm so stupid," the low voice whispered suddenly, shaking with emotion that sent another wave of pain through Hoseok's body. "I'm so fucking stupid. I didn't even consider this, not even for a second. I told you I don't make exceptions, but I'm a fucking liar. I make judgements and I judged wrongly. I could have gotten both of us killed because of my recklessness, fuck. What are you even apologising for? Being scared of telling me? I wish you did, but I don't think I would have believed you. I'm reckless like that."

Chuckling, Hyungwon suddenly let go of his knees and simply sank to the floor, legs arranged sideways as he stared at nothing in particular.

"I didn't tell him where we are," Hyungwon murmured. "He can't find us. I wasn't that stupid. Nobody knows about this place, nobody but me. Nobody at all. Nobody."

His whole body hurt, but he was unsure whether it was because of some physical problem or because of the emotions that he felt seeing Hyungwon like this. Inhaling sharply, Hoseok climbed from the desk and sank to the floor next to Hyungwon, pulling the slim body into his embrace because he had no idea about other ways to make it better. He probably couldn't make it better at all. "I wasn't sorry for not telling you, even though I hated lying to you. I'm sorry because of how it makes you feel. I don't want you to be in pain. I'm so sorry that he turned out to be a person like that."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Hyungwon whispered but didn't push him away. "I could have killed us both, I could have said the wrong thing, I could have-" The other man cursed instead of continuing and wrapped his arms around his neck. "Why didn't you tell me, Hoseok?"

"I don't know. I- I knew after I heard him talk to the doc and then pick up a call with the spider greeting, but I wasn't sure how to tell you or what to do. He needs to go to jail for hurting you." When Hyungwon hugged back, he realized what it was that prevented him from saying it. It was mostly his own fear of abandonment.

"I was scared that you would leave," he whispered, barely audibly. "Me."

"Even though that is what you wanted me to do up until the moment you got stabbed," Hyungwon replied and leaned his head against him, shaking slightly. Fingers danced over the spot where his cut was healing. It was healing slowly because he hadn't taken care of himself, not well enough.

_You suck at this._

When the soft fingers paused, Hoseok feared that the black-haired man was crying, but the big eyes remained dry and open. "I don't want to leave anymore, and I cannot understand what it means. It's not the desire to achieve something and then move on. I simply don't want to leave anymore. Ever, Hoseok. I wish I could tell you that people go to jail for hurting others, but they don't."

_You know that they don't, but you really want them to._

"But they do for taking a murder suspect and driving him home." It was hard, he knew that it was, but there had to be a way to get them. "I'm scared of people leaving me and I know that they will, so I try to push them away or leave first, so I don't have to experience it. Now I just want you to be safe. I don't need anything else."

"Shit," Hyungwon whispered and buried his face deeper in his shirt. "He hurt you and I let him go like that. I thought I was keeping us safe and giving us time, but I just made it worse. What about all those things I told him? How does he even believe that you want to hurt me? Why do I trust you so much? I'm so fucking confused, Hoseok."

"You don't need to trust me. I understand it. I gave you wrong names because Antonio would've been among them and I assumed that you would call him. A few days ago, I called him and shocked him with the spider greeting and then tried my best to behave like that person to make him believe that I'm part of it. And now he's listening to what I tell him, but I still won't be able to do it alone because I suck at it. I'm not a criminal, I'm just a lost cause."

Hyungwon listened and didn't reply at first before slowly lifting his head and meeting his gaze. "I don't know who to trust anymore. Usually it doesn't matter to me because I trust nobody, but I can't do it this way. Not now. How the hell am I supposed to get us out of this without somebody I can trust?"

The other man's voice broke and he ruffled up his hair in frustration before cupping his face once more, expression desperate. "Do what? What are you planning, Hoseok? Tell me!"

"Nothing much. I was trying to come up with a way to bring them all to one place, acting as if I'm going to sacrifice you and record all the phone talks, but your phone is pretty bad for it. I can't trust anyone either…" he started, before remembering the way Hyunwoo asked whether he should call his mother. "But there's one person... "

Hyungwon kept observing him as he spoke, expression quickly transitioning from deep in thought to something resembling hurt. As soon as a hint of pain passed over the other man's features, he replaced it by amusement.

"I'm guessing that one person isn't me," he murmured and chuckled as he brushed through his long, black hair. "I have a recorder, but I would need to know what you are planning and how I can help. How do you plan on getting them all at one place without keeping your promise of giving me to them? You'd need them to do something criminal to be able to get them behind bars. Small talk isn't going to do the job. I needed more than a year to get that piece of shit."

"I thought they'd just kill me. Murder is enough, and I just need someone to witness it to be able to get them. And about trust… I have major trust issues, Hyungwon. I trust you, but I don't trust you. It's complicated because every single person I loved has tried to hurt me before, so why should I trust that you won't? You did too, didn't you?" He smiled briefly and realised that he hadn't been breathing properly because the pain still lingered and made him feel more nauseous.

"Seems to be mutual, but I'm still here and so are you. Fascinating, huh?" Hyungwon chewed on his cheek until he seemed to realise something and grabbed his face. The brown eyes were widened as they met his own. "Did you just say you wanted somebody to witness your murder? What the actual fuck, Hoseok?! You don't want to hurt me and say that you care, but at the same time you seem to forget that losing you is the biggest fucking nightmare to me. You- I don't even know what to say. Fuck- I've never been as afraid to lose somebody as I am with you, so how can you even consider it? My nightmares are filled with you dying, Hoseok. Please don't make them real."

Hyungwon was shivering as he spoke, emotions pouring out through his words, the motions of his hands and the expression on his face. The fear that Hoseok never wanted to see on the other man's face was right there, as fresh and vivid as it had been that night on the grass.

_You are the one who is making him feel this way. He feels like that because you talk about dying all the time._

Swallowing down the words that he had planned to say, he wrapped his arms around the slim body instead, trying to think about what words could make it better. Trying to say something to fix it, but instead of fixing anything, he made it about himself again.

"I don't eat because they fucked up my stomach by making me drink acid. It's not that I want to die so badly that I starve myself, I'm too fake for that. I'm just always in pain when I eat, or when I don't eat, it doesn't go away. Shit, that didn't help, I'm sorry. I don't know how to make your fear disappear. Fuck."

"Don't die," Hyungwon whispered and wrapped his arms so tightly around him that it almost hurt. "Just don't fucking die, Hoseok. Don't sacrifice yourself for me because I need you alive, do you understand? I need you _right here_ next to me. Help me find a solution that doesn't sacrifice anybody, that helps us both. Is it easy to sacrifice yourself? To leave me behind? Is it easier than being with me and finding a solution?"

“The sad truth is that I’m selfish, so I keep thinking about my own pain. I love you but loving you also means being hurt. I’m still here, I am, but there must be something that I can do for you that is worth more than my mere existence.” He sighed and lifted his hand to stroke over Hyungwon’s black hair, feel the strands between his fingers and return to the painting of reality that he tried his best to ignore all this time. “You were planning alone too, so what’s the difference? The fact that the only thing I came up with involved sacrificing myself?”

Hyungwon froze in response to his words, as if he realised something for himself. "I was," the other man whispered as he leaned back, but kept his arms wrapped around him. "You're right. I was planning alone because I thought I was the one who got us into this mess. I… I still feel that way, but what if I ruined something by revealing our location? What if you had sacrificed yourself and I wouldn't have known until it was too late. Why are both of us trusting others but not each other? Fuck, what are we even doing, Hoseok? Shouldn't we be talking about this? Finding a common solution?"

_What if the common solution is that there's none?_

“I don’t want to make a mistake. I can’t fuck this up because it’s about you. It’s about you, Hyungwon. You- you are the most important to me, so how can I just let go and do whatever? Fuck.” He threw his head back and let go of Hyungwon, hands curled into fists at his sides. “I guess we don’t trust each other because we can hurt each other the most.”

"Isn't it always like that?" Hyungwon whispered and smiled slightly, hands stroking over his arms all the way to his balled fists. "What if you're also the most important to me? Maybe that's the solution to not making mistakes, doing it together, who knows? I've never worked with anybody to solve my problems, but maybe it's time. Even Antonio was mostly somebody I used, only that he used me too."

“I hate him,” he whispered. “The complicated bit is that I won’t be able to do it alone either. Maybe…” Lifting his gaze, he observed the small face, looking for a sign that he shouldn’t have said anything, for mistrust and careful distance but none of it was there. “Maybe I should tell Hyunwoo to call my mom.”

Hyungwon's face showed understanding and attentiveness before it slipped into pure confusion. "Your… mom? Is she able to influence your- that man? If so, why don't you call her yourself?"

_He doesn’t know what it means, Hoseok. Nobody does. Shouldn’t it stay that way?_

He swallowed and looked at the familiar face again. Thinking about it, there’s never been a time when he had seen the same person for weeks, but Hyungwon managed to stay close to him, no matter how many times he had tried to make the other man leave.

_But have you really tried? Or…_

Hoseok forced the uncomfortable thought to the back and met Hyungwon’s gaze, uncurling one of his fists and carefully touching the slim, warm fingers with his cold one. “It’s a code. It has nothing to do with my mom. She’s probably unaware somewhere, or dead. I don’t know.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened even more when he spoke of his mother's possible death, but it must have been obvious that it didn't have much meaning for him.

_Because you’ve never met the person that might have hidden somewhere behind the constant lack of awareness._

"Hyunwoo used it, didn't he?" the black-haired man murmured, visibly in thought. "So he must know. What does it mean?"

_Now you have to tell him._

“It means that I need help. From him,” he muttered, feeling like he was committing the worst betrayal on the only person that had been loyal and helped him, the one person that kept him alive. Even if being alive hurts, it was better than what he had left behind.

It was quiet for a few moments as Hyungwon simply observed him, breathing softly and keeping their fingers intertwined. There was realization on the handsome face, adding to the exhaustion that began to be more and more apparent.

"It's Hyunwoo, isn't it? The person you trust," the low voice murmured eventually. "But how can he help you?"

The silence stretched between them as Hyungwon's hand caressed his own and their breaths joined the sound of waves that penetrated through the walls.

"Holy shit," Hyungwon whispered and nibbled on his bottom lip. "He's not just a manager, is he? Who the fuck are you guys? I thought I was the one playing, but I'm the most obvious around here. I just write for fuck's sake."

_You thought you could do it alone, but there’s no way._

“He’s not. He’s a person who helped me leave when I was eighteen. He didn’t get any benefit from it, but he stayed by my side all this time, so I trust him. He was the first person in my life who treated me like an actual human being. I was so shocked back in the day.” He chuckled and stood up, taking Hyungwon along and walking back to the bedroom. It started to get lighter, so they didn’t have much left of the night. The time when everything was somehow more true. “That’s why I was so angry and shocked when he asked me whether I wanted him to ‘call my mom’. I never asked him for help since then and I really… I promised myself that I wouldn’t because the things that he has done for me are more than I can ever repay. No matter how long I work and… but… I guess I will have to.”

Hyungwon listened and climbed on top of the bed, legs folded below his body and reminding him of the first time he had considered the other man adorable.

"I… don't know how good my judgement of character is anymore, but Hyunwoo..." Hyungwon began, quietly at first before he spoke up and met his gaze. "He's somebody who cares about you without being intrusive. I could tell and just like everybody else he has no idea where we are. I don't know how true it is, but Antonio said that they ransacked your house. Hyunwoo must know. Can we… really trust him? Won't we just pull him into this and endanger him? This isn't just a little bit of business. People are trying to kill us."

“He’s a detective for the Spanish police working undercover,” he murmured, hating himself for just saying it out loud. It even sounded like a lie even though he knew that it wasn’t.

Instead of replying, Hyungwon laughed suddenly, brushing through his hair in disbelief.

"Ironic, isn't it?" the black-haired man whispered. "Antonio is also part of the Spanish police, but you made the right judgements whereas I have not. I didn't suspect Hyunwoo being part of the police, not even for a second."

_You haven’t either._

Sighing, Hyungwon let himself fall back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "I can't believe this is happening to us. Will he believe you? Does he know what he is dealing with? He helped you back then, but he's got a whole list of corrupt police against him."

“He knows it and he knows the right names because I’ve told him everything I knew back in the day. I think he sometimes doesn’t believe that he’s a detective either because he has been working undercover for so long. I can’t believe I’m telling you all this.” The ceiling distracted him from the fact that he betrayed Hyunwoo by telling Hyungwon all those things, but somehow, he felt that if he didn’t tell him now, as the sun rose and covered everything in pretty colours, he wouldn’t be able to trust ever. “That’s why he asked me when he saw that I was stabbed. He asked me if I needed help. Again. I said no and he left because he trusts me to make the judgment. I don’t trust myself, but he does.”

Hyungwon nodded again and instead of replying, the black-haired man climbed off the bed and kneeled on the floor. He reached for something under the bed as he held his breath, expression unreadable.

When Hyungwon climbed back on top of the sheets there was a small piece of paper in his hands. As the black-haired man moved closer, Hoseok recognised it to be a photograph.

"I'm not somebody who shares, ever. You know that already, but still I showed you my apartment and told you what I do for a living. But-" Hyungwon swallowed and lifted the photograph so that both were able to look at it. "But if there is something that nobody knows about but me, then this is it."

The photograph didn't seem particularly old even though the edges were slightly damaged. It showed two men and a woman that stood in front of a small house near the ocean. The older of the two men had an arm around the woman's waist whereas the younger man simply stood next to the two, smiling brightly. Hoseok couldn't recognise any of the people in the photograph, neither the couple, nor the man who he assumed must have been their son. Only the younger man's stature seemed familiar, long legs, broad shoulders, a delicate jaw.

Hyungwon didn't speak as he looked at the photograph, sitting next to him with shaking fingers that blurred the edges.

“Is this your family?” he asked and felt that lack of understanding that made him feel so alien among other people. They talked about family, about friends, about people they loved, who were there, but he only knew pain. Was family supposed to be painful? It usually wasn’t and again, he was reminded of it, looking at the photograph. When he lifted his gaze to look at Hyungwon’s face, his thoughts changed. It seemed as if the black-haired man was in pain too, shaking and pressing his lips together. “It’s been a long time?”

"It has," Hyungwon whispered and took a brief glance at the photograph himself. "This isn't just my family though. This is my family… and me."

Hoseok glanced at the couple again, their faces and finally the face of the young man. He couldn't have been much younger than eighteen and still he looked nothing like Hyungwon. The form of the man's eyes was different, his lips were even a little plumper and his nose had a different shape.

“What do you mean?” He shifted closer, letting their thighs touch.

Hyungwon inhaled deeply, nibbling on his lips for a few moments before he took the photograph and placed it on the bed, backside up.

"I changed," he murmured and seemed to stare at nothing at all. "I changed to make sure that even if something happened to me, it wouldn't harm my family. The name I have is real apart from my last name. I took my mother's after leaving Andalusia. I lied to you when I said I grew up in Barcelona. My new self has. I haven't seen them since the day I left."

_But why?_

“I don’t understand,” he muttered, overwhelmed that it was possible to leave a nice environment and put yourself under so much pressure just for… for what? “But why?”

"Didn't you say it yourself? People like them… they love to find the ones you care about and hurt them. I preferred to be an empty canvas then, somebody without a past or a real future, only a present." Hyungwon grabbed the photograph and climbed off the bed, returning it to the place he had taken it from. "This place is like a sanctuary for me. It's like the house I grew up in, it has items that reveal too much about me. It was my motivation to never show it to anybody, but here we are. I guess I must have cared more about your safety than theirs when we left."

“They don’t look under beds. They try to get rid of you as fast as possible and then leave because when you’re dead, there’s no more point in getting their hands bloody,” he murmured back. “You… look so sad. It makes me wonder if it’s worth it for you. But then again, Hyunwoo is the same. He lives the same kind of life. First, he was bartender Hyunwoo, then art seller Hyunwoo, but in the end a Hyunwoo who can’t have any close relationships with anybody because he doesn’t want to hurt them. I have no idea about the concept of family or what it feels like, but the only thing I can tell you is… that if your parents feel at least a little of the things I’m feeling for you, they must be missing you so much. So so much.”

"They think I'm dead." Hyungwon suddenly smiled a little. "Feels crazy considering that I might have been. I've never been in a situation like this, talking to somebody about these things. I thought it would feel terrifying, but somehow it's also a relief, like there is somebody else who bears the thoughts."

“Do you regret it?” he asked instead of giving comfort or seeming shocked at the fact that Hyungwon made his parents think that he was dead.

"Sometimes." Hyungwon played with his fingers absentmindedly and by looking at the other man's skin, Hoseok realised how quickly the sun was rising. "It's like with the ocean, when the tide is high I might, but then the water also pushes back again, leaving a few shells behind but no more. The ocean is the only thing I wasn't able to abandon."

Suddenly, Hyungwon chuckled again. "The ocean and you."

_You were a thing that he couldn’t abandon._

Somehow it was sad, and if the situation was different, he might have shaken Hyungwon and asked him to finally realize that he was wasting his time, investing it in him, instead of moving on with his life. But he saw a bit of what this life was like, why the other man compared himself to a blank canvas.

Goosebumps spread over his skin and his thoughts took a very unusual turn, racing inside his head and drawing parallel lines between them, over their bodies until they connected, and he exhaled roughly.

“I think that you turned into your sacrifice. You gave up everything to be somebody else and turned into a blank canvas, and I sacrificed the possibility of staying unharmed and turned into the pain I experienced.” Shifting closer, he let his fingers dance over Hyungwon’s smooth skin, waiting until he felt the brown eyes on him again.

“But my pain has a colour. So maybe I can paint you.”

***

_You always prided yourself in your judgement of character, didn't you?_

His judgement was what Hyungwon was confident in the most along with his ability to act. He should have known, should have suspected something, but instead he had delivered his information to somebody who used it against him.

_That time, when you weren't able to save that man and Antonio was devastated, was that all an act?_

It seemed so difficult to believe, to imagine that an undercover police officer that he worked with for several years had been using him all this time. The two of them had experienced so many things together, shared thoughts and even though Hyungwon never revealed the most important facts about himself, Antonio had known a great deal more than anybody else.

_Instead of having a person you trust, you called the man who betrayed you and asked him to save you._

The thought hurt, it hurt so much that Hyungwon wanted to take the painful bit and rip it out of his chest instead of suffering through it. Somehow it seemed like ripping it out was going to make it better. He hated that somebody who used him had this much influence over him, that a man like that could hurt him by betraying him.

_Didn't you want to be an empty canvas all this time? Why did you let him paint it?_

He shouldn't have cared. He should have abandoned that possibility of salvation as easily as he abandoned his apartment when he had to.

_But instead you feel hurt and upset as if he was family. He wasn't. There is no family anymore, Hyungwon. There is only you._

But somehow that wasn't true anymore. There wasn't only him. There was him and the man he fell in love with.

_Hoseok._

The two of them were still sitting on the bed, sleep deprived as neither of them had slept decently. Hoseok was holding the simple non-traceable mobile phone and hesitated to call Hyunwoo. Hyungwon understood, he did because he could see the reason on Hoseok's face.

_He must feel guilty for needing help again, for being unable to return something of similar significance._

Hyungwon felt uncomfortable about not being the one with the plan, the one who decided what they were going to do. Usually, he would have been, but the past few hours had turned most of his world upside down. It seemed like the two of them couldn’t find a solution on their own. Hyungwon trusted the wrong people and Hoseok struggled to understand that a life without him was the last thing that Hyungwon wanted.

_The two of you need to work together, but this is difficult, isn't it? Not even Hyunwoo will be able to pull you out of this completely. Nobody can, not unless all of them end up behind bars._

Hyungwon's life consisted of putting people behind bars by writing the right things and hunting down a whole gang would take several years, maybe even decades.

"Do you really think he can help us?" Hyungwon asked when Hoseok hesitated once again. The phone in the other man's hand reminded him of the photograph hidden below the bed, the only object that was left from his previous life.

_Maybe you need to do it again, to erase your existence and start anew. Become somebody they cannot recognise._

“Mhm. I think that he can do more than I can do, it’s just that I’ve never thought that I would ask him for help again. It feels so unreal right now.” Hoseok chewed on his lips, before staring at the keypad and dialling the numbers one by one.

"Do you want to put him on speaker?" he asked, hoping that his suggestion was calming even though his mind still felt scrambled. It seemed like he couldn't trust his judgments and somehow that was even more terrifying than the situation they were in. "I know you trust him, but I hope you are able to trust me too, at least a little bit. We need to decide this together."

_You've seen what happens when both of you act on your own._

“I hope he doesn’t drop me for disappointing him. But maybe he should, ah, this is hard.” Exhaling sharply, Hoseok pressed the button and immediately put the phone on speaker, listening as it connected after a while, to the long sounds and finally to somebody picking up with a hum.

“Two things,” Hoseok muttered and swallowed. “He is listening too, I’ve put you on speaker and… I’m calling because I would like to ask you to call my mom.”

_It's the code._

The silence was pressuring, translucent but at the same time making goose bumps spread over his skin because of the meaning it carried and the importance of what followed.

Another hum followed and Hyunwoo cleared his throat. “Don’t think about telling me where you are,” the other man said calmly. “Do they know?”

“No. It doesn’t seem like it. But I don’t know for sure. To be honest… I mean… you know most of it, right?”

“Yeah. That’s why I don’t trust him. He was researching and got close to you, it was suspicious, and it still is. But I guess you trust him, so there isn’t much I can do. Does he know about his friend?”

_The best actor among all of you is him, isn't it? He must have known what you were up to all this time, only that your plans changed._

Hoseok glanced at him while Hyunwoo was speaking and it was hard to tell what the other man was thinking. Whether he thought the same.

"I do," he replied and hated how obvious his voice was, the hurt associated with knowing that somebody he trusted had been using him. Hyungwon wished he could have returned to acting, to being somebody else who didn't care about anybody else.

_But you can't with him. Not after everything that you showed him._

“He was lucky and he's alive, so there’s room for hurt. Regarding calling your mom…” Hyunwoo sighed and one could hear some shuffling, as if the other man was ruffling up his hair or walked through a room nervously. “There is not much I can do, and I have already looked into all the possibilities. The only thing I can help you with that has the best chance of success, is locking up the man with three scars and Hyungwon’s former friend. They aren’t dumb, and they don’t decide on a murder depending on their current mood. They are more- I mean, he knows. They mostly try to make money with drugs, but if you try to cut the money off, they get pretty angry and violent. To be honest, there’s another thing I was thinking about…” Hyunwoo stopped and waited for a reaction from them.

_They never call him his father, as if it is taboo. It must be because he wants to forget._

“I know that if you would’ve been able to lock them all up, you would’ve done it by now. It’s- it’s hard I know and I’m thankful, I mean… you know.” Hoseok looked as if it was extremely hard to talk about the past that Hyunwoo and him shared and he could see the tattooed hand search for something to hold on.

Hyungwon didn't know if it was good enough, but he reached out and grasped the restless hand with his own, intertwining their fingers.

_It's difficult because he must have been trying so hard to forget, but now it's all back to haunt him._

"What other thing? It's clear that you can't put them all behind bars. If that were possible, they'd already be serving their sentence. What's your alternative?" he inquired and squeezed Hoseok's hand in the meantime, hoping that it was reassuring.

“Ah there you are. I hope you aren’t hurt. The other thing is the only possibility that would keep you out of imminent danger. You need to become a subject of public interest. Both of you. It’s usually the best protection. For Hoseok it will be very easy as he’s already famous, for you it won’t be very hard either as you’ve also written for big art magazines. They avoid getting involved with celebrities. Too much attention.” Hyunwoo spoke calmly and it indeed seemed as if the other man had thought it through, however, Hoseok’s shocked face told him the idea wasn’t much to the artist’s liking.

_And you can't. You can't show yourself._

"I know what you mean," he answered first because Hyunwoo was right. Going after somebody of public interest was much harder than killing two unknown men in a beach house. It was and it could have been a solution, only that Hyungwon wasn't able to accept it.

_Your whole professional career is possible because of the single premise that nobody knows you._

"I know what you mean, but-" He nibbled on his bottom lip for a moment before continuing. "But I won't be able to do it. I'm not sure how much you know about me, but my work requires anonymity and as soon as my face is known that anonymity is gone."

_Your parents won't recognise your face, but they might recognise your voice. Everybody who you ever introduced yourself to will know your real name. They will all know that you lied._

“Mhm. I just assumed the existence of your face was worth it. I’m not in charge of judging your priorities. But Hoseok, you still should do it. I know you don’t want to and I know better than anybody else how much you tried to stay low all this time, but this might save you and if it will give us more security we should do it considering the situation you’re in. I have enough evidence on him including the things you submitted back in the day and the other friend… he’s a bit reckless because there’s a camera that I installed to make sure that nothing happened to you and he did me a favour by untying the ropes and having a chit chat with that bastard who tried to stab you both. It’ll be easy with what I have from you and my other informant. The rest- let’s hope we’ll get them all in a few years and it finally stops.”

_All three of you know how unlikely it is that it will ever stop._

“But I don’t want to. I don’t want to be famous. I hate fame. I just want to be left in peace,” Hoseok muttered, hands shaking under his. “And he can’t. So, we will- Fuck. Can’t we do anything to keep him safe?”

_Why does he only think about you? Why doesn't he realise that you want him to be safe just as much?_

Hyungwon squeezed the trembling fingers again as he thought of whether revealing Hoseok's identity was something that the artist could bear. Hoseok would have to live far from everything, a place where barely anybody could get to, a place that was remote but still safe from everybody who might want to harm him.

_Is there even such a place?_

“I don’t think this is only about him. He has been researching for a few years now, he must know what he was getting himself into. You wanted to be left alone, you didn’t want to have anything to do with them ever, not a mention, not a single memory, and now you say you don’t want to be famous and risk having them try to get rid of you? I can lock him up, I can, but you know he can give orders still. This is a mess, Hoseok. Just come out as the famous painter Ok Seho and say you can’t give any interviews. Feed the reporters once in a while and that should be enough. It’s so much easier than- literally anything else.”

_The public would eat it up, hungry for more information about him. Information that you had planned to provide back then._

"It is," Hyungwon agreed but observed Hoseok's expression intently. He knew that the artist hated publicity, that he said he wouldn't be able to paint anymore if people knew. "But it is still a decision that he needs to be able to bear the consequences of. If you want to announce your identity I have a way to do it with enough attention to provide safety, but if you don't then we need an alternative."

_Then you might have to stay here, without knowing for how long._

“I can’t. They will want to know everything, also about him. But they can’t know, and I have no way to protect him. So, no. I can’t do it,” the other man murmured, shaking his head with his eyes closed. “We can’t stay here either, can we? But it’s not your responsibility. I’ve asked you for help with that specific thing and you told me the options. Please tell me if you need any more info from me, I’ll tell you everything I know.”

_He's willing to accept danger because of you, for you._

Hyungwon felt overwhelmed by the fact that once again Hoseok was thinking about him. Instead of being concerned about his own art and need for privacy, Hoseok only thought about him and his profession.

_Both of you live in secrecy, but the one he wants to protect is you._

“But… god, I hate this,” the other man muttered through the speaker before letting out a brief groan. “Fine. Call me in two days and I will tell you if I need anything and about their movements. I’ve been spending extra time at your house since you left. It looks as if nothing happened, it’s amazing. As if I would meet you on your way to the studio. Is your arm okay?”

_As if nothing happened?_

Hoseok hummed and glanced at him, probably thinking about the same thing, namely that Antonio had told him that the house was demolished.

"That piece of shit," Hyungwon muttered, not loud enough for Hyunwoo to hear through the receiver, but loud enough for Hoseok to hold his gaze. When he felt ready to speak again, he shifted his eyes to the sheets to see white instead of blood red stains on a white shirt.

"It's healing, but it will leave a scar," he murmured and brushed through his hair with his free hand while the other remained intertwined with Hoseok's. "If there is anything you need from me let me know. Most of my information is first hand and current, even if you probably know more than I do."

_He must know what you do because of them._

"That's not always the case, but usually journalists don't want to share until the article is out. Thank you for your offer and try to stay safe. Is there anything else?"

_His plan._

Hoseok swallowed briefly before pulling the phone closer to his face. "I've been talking to that friend and he thinks I'm part of the organisation and will bring Hyungwon, so they can get rid of him. I also told him a lie about a big article he has ready, but if you can arrest both it shouldn't be a problem. God, all of it is a huge problem, but I'm not sure what to do. I just don't want him to die."

Hyunwoo hummed on the other end of the line before speaking a few calm words that seemed to relax Hoseok a bit. "They tried to kill him, but I guess it was because of the situation. Because they thought it was dangerous if he was close to someone like you. But in the end, no article came out, and when the leader is gone again, there will be no big missions. They usually focus on business. You can never be sure, and you probably won't feel safe either, but right now, if you don't move from that place until we have them and don't return to where you came from after, it should be okay. It will be okay, Hoseok."

_It will be okay._

Hyungwon let the words repeat in his head, focusing on them since Hyunwoo had a way of speaking them that seemed true. There was no way of knowing for sure, but right at that moment Hyunwoo seemed to be right.

_He must know so much, enough to get those two behind bars and buy you time._

"We'll be fine," he whispered to Hoseok and wrapped his arm around the other man's shoulders, pulling him closer. "We can stay here for a bit and afterwards we'll figure something out. It… it will be fine."

"You keep doing it so I won't die," Hoseok chuckled suddenly. "You still remember."

"Remember what? That you said you'll die when you pay me back? There's no way you can pay me back. Just don't get hurt. And ah, this is random, but- do you need paint?" Hyunwoo asked and it sounded as if the other man was smiling.

_They seem so close._

Listening to them, it made sense that Hyunwoo was the only person Hoseok could trust. Somehow, he couldn't imagine the police detective ever hurting Hoseok.

_Unlike you._

"Mhm. I'll think about a place I could pick it up. I think I want to try a lighter palette this time. Thank you. Thank you for everything."

"No need to thank me. Try to keep each other safe, I'm counting on you," the low voice murmured and turned into short beeps that Hoseok stopped by pressing a button on the phone.

Hyungwon should have thought about what they were going to do, how they were supposed to bridge the time and what would happen to his journal contacts that he needed to keep in touch with to show he was alive. There were a bunch of things to think about. Hoseok's relationship to Hyunwoo, the fact that the artist had wanted to die after paying his friend back. All these things, but still Hyungwon was caught up on one single fact.

"Why do you want a lighter palette?" he asked and let his fingers dance over Hoseok's knuckles and wrist.

"I know right? It's a bit unlike me, but I guess it's because you have different colours and it makes me want to try doing you justice. Me and my experiences are perfect when painted in dark colours, but it doesn't quite show the way you make me feel, so I need to change the palette. At least a little bit." Shifting closer, Hoseok lifted both hands and cupped his face, leaning in until their eyes met. "But promise that you'll abandon me when you finally realise that I'm holding you down."

_How can he be so convinced?_

"I won't," Hyungwon whispered in reply, remaining perfectly still as he held Hoseok's gaze. "Because it won't happen. I can only promise you that I will let you know if my feelings ever change. But I won't abandon you, ever."

_You've shown him so much of yourself. There's no way you're going to leave._

"I'm so fucking selfish, it's incredible, but there's something that I want to do because it makes me feel better. Good even," Hoseok whispered, letting himself fall on the bed and taking him along. "I really want to watch you sleep. Would you let me? I'll stay here, I promise."

Hyungwon chewed on his lips to keep himself from saying the first thing that was on his mind. He had wanted to scold Hoseok for not sleeping himself after a sleepless night, but in the end, he knew that the man next to him struggled to fall asleep and Hyungwon's words weren't going to change that.

_You want to make him feel happy, no matter whether it is by sleeping next to him or a more conventional method._

"Of course," he breathed out and brushed through the blonde hair, enjoying the texture. "Of course, you can."

In the end, Hyungwon wasn't really able to change the way Hoseok thought about himself and the conclusions he made. He couldn't, but what he could do was tell the other man about his own emotions, about the way he thought about Hoseok and everything that was associated with that.

_You can show him that no matter how he sees himself, you see him differently._

"You know, sometimes when I lie next to you for a long time and your breaths and the waves sound the same, I wonder if I'm really existing, if those really are the things that are happening to me. That I'm here next to you and you sleep soundly and smile, and I'm allowed to see it, to see it at night in all your colours." Hoseok smiled for the first time in forever and stroked over his hair affectionately. "It feels unreal to feel anything else apart from loneliness."

_He's right. It's unreal because you have almost forgotten what it feels like to be alive like this instead of empty._

"I feel the same." He smiled back and shifted his legs to slip one in between Hoseok's and make their thighs touch properly. "Being here with you, at a house that echoes my childhood, seems like I've finally stepped out of the white canvas into the world that surrounds it. I'm not sure if it makes sense, but... you make me feel colourful, Hoseok."

"It's because you're not the blank canvas, Hyungwon," Hoseok whispered and leaned in, lips kissing him so softly that he almost made a sound. "You're bright, wrapping around everything around you, a red rope."

Hyungwon smiled.

"And you're the only one who knows how to tie the knot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue is posted too!


	17. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'THE GALLERY' came to an end.
> 
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**EPILOGUE**

For so many years he avoided mirrors because they made his reality more painful, more real, more graphic somehow. It didn’t mean that he never had any, but one couldn’t deny the systematic avoidance with the only exception of watching somebody else through the mirror when he couldn’t look at them. Like when it was about bondage. When he needed that terrifying surface to make sure that the other person was okay, still enjoying it.

_Mirrors are scary because you know that it’s real._

Inhaling the scent of paint that spread so quickly through the small apartment, Hoseok stepped in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. It was still scary because it was real, it was him with everything it entailed. What did it consist of? It was so easy when it came to his thoughts. They knew so well what he was about, what he was like.

_Worthless._

Wasn’t it interesting how he despised giving anything someone did or owned a worth, but suddenly started to judge so harshly, creating a whole list of comparisons of why he didn’t have any? Worth.

Sometimes he wondered whether it was the result of his thoughts trying to explain the pain he felt. If he felt pain, there must be a reason, right? That reason was that he was worthless, existing without a purpose, doing nothing apart from satisfying his momentary needs. That explanation sounded so reasonable, that he couldn’t bring himself to disagree. If he didn’t disagree, it must be the truth. The truth that he now saw in the mirror. The wavy, blonde hair, the round eyes, black irises, pale like a wall. His lips were a bit plump, but there was nothing special about him. Nothing that excused being worthless.

_It makes you nauseous._

It was here again. The feeling that he shouldn’t look into the mirror because if he just ran around, averting his gaze, not lifting his eyes from the pavement to the shopfronts, scared to see his own reflection, maybe he could act as if he wasn’t real. Forgetting the fact that he still exists. Continued existing despite all those thoughts. His gallery showed him everything bad that he was or everything good that he was not.

_But he said he’s thankful._

The thought was so sudden that it scared him. Glancing at his own reflection, suddenly a picture materialized, adding to what he saw in the mirror. There was the tall figure standing behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist, long fingers holding onto the slim wrists and thick lips spreading in a smile. The black locks were carefully arranged on the pretty forehead and he wanted to ruffle them up, mess it up, because he liked the way Hyungwon looked in the mornings, right after waking up, smiling when he saw him first thing. He closed his eyes briefly and opened them again, seeing the red lips placing kisses against his neck, his cheek, how the other man closed his eyes when his mouth touched a patch of his skin.

“You are beautiful. To me,” the low voice whispered close to his ear before the image disappeared and only left him, standing in front of the mirror, staring at his own reflection and trying to integrate the image with his thoughts that caused nausea.

_It’s the opposite. You can’t combine them._

He still felt nauseous and worthless, but the brief memory reminded him of something that made him smile. Usually he hated his smile too because somehow it always seemed fake, but on this day out of all days it looked okay.

_Maybe because you are a bit nervous._

He was, because they were spending the month in Cadiz, by the sea and there was a small gallery that Hyunwoo helped him rent out for his exhibition. It was called ‘sea’ but of course it didn’t do the sea any justice, it was just a pathetic attempt at showing something that the ocean made him feel. How those weeks in the abandoned house had changed him.

_And you wanted to tell him about the gallery. How you abandoned the old one and moved into that place that is so much bigger, with more space. Your paintings are still hanging there, the regret and the self-hate are huge and pull you in as soon as you try to walk past, just like when you try looking at yourself in the mirror and see yourself with his eyes. You can’t, because your mind is still yours, your personality is still yours and the pain is so deeply ingrained in everything that you are and are doing, that you can’t abandon it because you would abandon yourself in the end._

But in the new gallery, the space he recently discovered for himself, there was a corner, right past the picture of all the painful memories, where the entrance to the big hall was, the one without a single picture. Right in that corner, there was a red rope, bright and shining every time he felt the pain was pulling him in. The rope was there for him to remember that there was something else, that there was a big hall without memories of pain, empty and, no matter how scary it was, ready to be filled with paintings of new memories.

_You’re so scared that it will be full of agony again. What will you do if it just bleeds all over, covered and crawling out to haunt you, to make you miserable, remind you that you’re worthless and shouldn’t exist if you want it to stop? What will you do then?_

Inhaling deeply, he let his eyes flutter shut to not see his reflection for a brief moment, to return to that corner, where was it again? Ah, right there, the bright red rope that he took, felt how heavy and warm it was in his hand, felt it wrap around his fingers when he tied a few knots, calming him down for the moment. But that moment was already enough somehow.

***

The stone railing was burning hot below his fingers despite the mild weather, despite the cold ocean breeze that ruffled up his hair and reinforced his cool-but-inconspicuous school boy look. The brief judgemental head shakes that elderly couples deemed him worthy of suggested that he had done a good job this time, blending into the crowd without really becoming a part of it.

Hyungwon had found a good spot for stakeout right past the city centre of Cadiz, on the stone railing that separated the beach from the main road. It was one of the two ways out of the city and led along the shore towards Chiclana, but in the direction of Jerez de la Frontera if one turned left before the main bridge over the water.

_You haven’t been in Cadiz for years._

Maybe he had avoided it all this time. Usually Hyungwon made sure to identify why he did things and either acknowledge the reason or stop doing them altogether. Recently it had become harder to do so with most of his decisions happening in a matter of seconds.

_Sometimes you simply have to pack up and leave, no matter what you are leaving behind._

He smiled, realizing that being in Cadiz was one of the biggest examples he had for simply packing everything up and leaving. The longer he thought about it, the more apparent it was that leaving the first time had somehow kept him from ever returning.

_But now you are here again._

It still felt familiar. Hyungwon remembered riding along the same street on a bus without air conditioning, sweating and clutching his school books to his chest because he was too lazy to take a bag and preferred to sneak them into his classmates’ backpacks before taking them back as soon as they left the bus, pretending that he had carried them all this time.

Despite his school boy look, he didn’t resemble his past self. The jeans on his legs were ripped, his hair was styled but tousled because of the wind and he wore the t-shirt of some local soccer team that he wasn’t too familiar with. He looked like the boys he had played pranks on back then, the boys that might have ended up being the men he was after today.

_You only know one name, but luckily, he won’t recognize you._

The sky was perfectly clear, like Hoseok’s paintings when he started out with a single colour and covered the whole canvas with it, just one until he finally decided to add others.

_It’s been so long since you were able to watch him do it._

Again, he smiled and realized that a black-haired girl smiled back at him as she walked past, assuming that the smile was meant for her. Still, he kept it even though it didn’t fit the role he was playing. Hoseok had that ability, making him smile no matter who he was at that moment. As if the real Hyungwon somehow had to shine through as soon as Hoseok was involved.

_You miss him, but you chose this._

It had been three weeks since he had woken up in Valencia at their small apartment near the beach, kissed Hoseok goodbye and jumped into an organized ride to Cadiz. So far, the trip had been successful. Hyungwon had filled several digital pages worth of information and had been able to get something out of the few police officers he had gotten to know ‘by chance’, meeting them at bars and sharing a glass of wine or a cocktail.

He liked to think back to the day he left Valencia and not only because it was the last time he saw Hoseok. After all, there were many days that he spent with the man he was in love with, the man he had decided to stay with despite the danger that both of them were constantly in. It had also been one of the few nights when Hyungwon had woken up and seen Hoseok asleep next to him. There was no smile on the curved lips, but the blonde hair had covered the pillow and there was an expression of calm on the beautiful face, perfect calm. There was no happiness, but calm was already so much more than Hyungwon had hoped for.

There were still many days when Hyungwon woke up to an empty bed and somehow, he wasn’t able to deal with it as well as he had been able to several months ago. The anxiety wasn’t comparable to anything he had ever experienced, the burning in his chest and the way his hands turned clammy as he scrambled out of bed each time and breathlessly looked for the blonde man. Only to find him in his improvised studio, painting with eyebrows furrowed in concentration that broke as soon as he entered the room.

_Does he feel the same way when you aren’t there? Anxious about what might have happened to you? Is he also transported back to a moment when you were hurt? Bleeding because you underestimated the situation?_

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and let his fingers dance over the wristband that covered a fresh cut he was hoping would disappear soon. His profession had gotten more dangerous but still he was out here, sitting on a stone railing and waiting to obtain information that nobody dared to. He lived for it, similarly to the way that Hoseok lived in his gallery. Some things were difficult to change, and it was better to accept them for what they were, to make the best out of them.

Sometimes they talked about it, at night when the moment seemed the most truthful and Hyungwon opened his eyes to be met with Hoseok’s dark ones. They tried to be truthful to each other, but sometimes Hyungwon couldn’t do it, wasn’t able to reveal something risky that he had done and barely escaped. Only during those nights, he dared to share, just like Hoseok who revealed how being on his own for weeks made him feel, how his gallery had developed and how his own thought patterns terrorized him but also calmed him as they were the only stable thing he knew.

_Because he still cannot be sure that you will come back._

Hyungwon still couldn't believe that he had done it, that he had allowed somebody close enough to be in danger, to be hurt by his profession and to become his weakness. Hoseok was all of the above, but still Hyungwon had let it happen and even if he thought about the alternative, there was Hoseok's face in front of his inner eye, holding onto his face with bloody hands and telling him that everything was fine, and he should go and get a rope.

_He's not only the person you want next to you, he's also the only person who accepts the risk._

It had gotten a little darker and subsequently colder as he remained on the warm stone and watched the cars for a few moments before glancing towards the beach. He had expected to observe the beginning of a secret meeting on the beach, close to the high wall because it was difficult to see from any other position but Hyungwon's as he stared down.

_Maybe it was cancelled last minute like so many other times._

He sighed and curled his hands into fists a few times to help the blood flow to his fingers. There wasn't a lot going on at this time, not at the beach at least. Cars were rushing past him from the side of the road, but the beach was silent apart from the breeze. Only a man and a woman were making their way up the ramp towards the street, brushing sand from their bare feet and slipping into their shoes after what must have been a late afternoon walk.

Hyungwon should have glanced away and made his way back to his hotel, but somehow, he couldn't get himself to. There was something fascinating about the couple, about the way the man laughed loud enough for the sound to reach him and the way the woman struggled to put on her sandals, jumping on one leg while holding onto the man's shoulder.

Letting his long legs dangle from the stone wall, Hyungwon kept watching. He observed the two of them talk and laugh together, he observed the somehow graceful way the woman kept her posture, like a dancer that wasn't able to abandon the grace that dancing involved.

_It's beautiful._

His eyes fluttered shut, aware of the memories that he allowed to come to the surface. It wasn't the time for them, so he shook his head at himself and stared at the darkening sky for a few minutes instead, hoping to return to the role he was playing or to at least find another one. It shouldn't have been hard.

"Won!"

The sound of his nickname pulled him away from the dark blue, the lack of clouds and the reddish hue that was left of the sun. A brief burning spread in his neck because of how quickly he turned towards the pedestrian walk next to the road, eyes searching for anybody he knew, anybody who could have known his name.

Instead of finding a hostile face or somebody he had used several months or years ago, Hyungwon met the face of a woman. She was smiling, and wrinkles appeared around her eyes and next to her lips that he couldn't remember. The smile was the same though, spreading her lips wide the way his own did. It had reminded him of her sometimes when he looked into the mirror and practised facial expressions. He had wanted it to look as genuine as it did for her each time.

_Why didn't you think of this?_

He swallowed, hoping that the mixture of longing and dread was going to disappear along with the collecting saliva in his mouth. It didn't work, and he felt his hands shake, nails scratchings over the stone below them until he curled his hands into fists and his nails ended up burying in his palms instead. He hadn't expected this, even though he had grown up close to Cadiz he hadn't expected to meet anybody from his past, anybody who he remembered so well that it felt too real for the empty life he had been attempting to lead all this time.

His mother looked different, but it was unmistakably her. Her walk was the same, the graceful motions that came along with being a dancer, the way her hand reached out for the shoulder of the man next to her and grazed it without any pressure, just a small gesture to get his attention.

His father hadn't changed much. He wore the same type of shorts and loose shirts he had loved to wear, and his mother had attempted to throw away. Hyungwon remembered the messy hair too, only that it had more black than grey strands back then. Both looked happy somehow, not like they were missing anything. Or anybody.

_Did you expect them to?_

He couldn’t answer that. Maybe he had, somehow imagining that his parents were suffering without him, but that he had left for their sake. Maybe that had been the reason he left, to make sure they were able to live just like this, getting old together while his mother chuckled and pointed straight ahead at something that must have been further along the road.

_If you left for them, why does it hurt so much?_

Hyungwon gasped for air, trembling from the pain in his chest and the desire to stand up and reach out, to stop pretending to be somebody else and to be himself for once, with the people who knew him as the person he had left behind.

_Why would you do this? Why would you break their happiness like that?_

He didn’t move an inch, merely remaining on his spot on the cooling down stone and observing the way the couple kept looking at something straight ahead, chuckling and speaking with quiet voices. Hyungwon wanted to hear them so badly, to know if they were talking about the same thing he remembered, if his father still loved the beach as much as he did, if his mother tried to convince him to take a dance on the beach barefoot even though people might have been watching.

He couldn’t look away, not even when the couple paused right next to him, a look of concern distorting his mother’s facial features.

“Is something the matter?” the familiar voice asked him, eyes staring straight at him and Hyungwon had never felt as close to tears as he did right at that moment, eyes blinking more frequently than necessary, and nails buried so deep in his palms that it hurt.

The gaze was familiar too, the pleasant brown eyes and the smile that spread his mother’s lips as if she could tell that he was uncomfortable with her question, that it was tearing him apart.

_Does she know?_

The thought was sudden and so ridiculous at the same time. There was no recognition on the beautiful but aged face, only a pleasant smile, genuine concern and a few wrinkles that only convinced him further that his parents were leading a happy life, a fulfilled life without his involvement.

Why would you break it, Hyungwon?

“No, ma’am,” he whispered.

“No, ma’am,” he repeated a little louder when it seemed like he was the only one to hear it echoing in his head. Hyungwon played his role of a school boy sitting on a piece of stone and waiting for his friends. A school boy with a different life and with no interest in neither the woman in front of him, nor the man next to her who simply nodded and pulled at the slim wrist to move along. His father had always been uncomfortable around strangers.

The woman graced him with a smile once more and turned away, following the man further along the road. Hyungwon should have looked away then, forgotten about the encounter in the same way that he tried to forget about everything else, but the sight captivated him. He observed the way his mother’s yellow dress fluttered in the wind, the way her shoes produced a constant clicking noise whenever they hit against the pavement, the gesture with which she brushed her hair back and waved at somebody ahead.

“Won!” a voice yelled again, but there was no need to search for it this time as it stemmed from straight ahead, from the woman whose voice he knew so well that he heard it speak his name even when the sound was gone. His heartbeat kept hammering in his ears as he searched for a reason, for anything that might have explained the word, the necessity to speak the three letters.

Delicate hands reached out for a small body, arms wrapped around narrow shoulders. Hyungwon froze in place, observing his mother hug a child, a little boy that wrapped his arms around the yellow dress without really holding on. Even then he watched, feeling like the seconds were passing in slow motion, like the embrace was too long, the wind too loud in his ears. Slowly, the embrace loosened and revealed pitch black hair, round eyes and eventually a pretty face.

A face that looked more like him than he ever could.

_

_It’s gone now._

Hyungwon wrapped his arms tighter around his knees, hoping to get rid of the feelings and the thoughts inside his head. The floor was cold through the ripped pants he was still wearing, and he couldn’t even tell what time it was.

_Your old life is completely gone now._

He had always imagined it living on somewhere, similar to how the memory of his parents lived on through the photograph he kept under the bed in the safe house, the single photograph that he kept and rarely looked at. Hyungwon had imagined his parents keeping the memories for him, to know that he had existed, maybe think back to him once in a while, feel a hint of pain but nothing compared to the pain they might have experienced if he had stayed.

_Maybe you are experiencing it all for them._

It was selfish of him to feel this way, to sit in an empty gallery, curled up on the floor and be hurt because his parents had moved on. He had wanted them to, he had wanted them to forget and be able to live happy lives. So why was he so hurt by seeing them do exactly that?

_Humans move on. You should know that better than anybody. Didn’t you move on too?_

He wiped the back of his hand over his eyes and tried to ignore the way the light reflected off the wetness that appeared on it as he pulled it back. Hyungwon was hopeless, hopeless in his behaviour and attempt to deal with things on his own while still doing everything to not be alone in the end.

_You want him to find you, even though you cannot be sure if he will. Still you want him to find you._

Breaking into a gallery wasn’t a way to be alone. It was a helpless attempt to seek comfort without asking for it, without typing the words in the one device that enabled him to talk to Hoseok, the one device he had that made him feel like he wasn’t alone anymore.

His thoughts were terrifying, and he couldn’t help wondering if that was how Hoseok felt, whether the artist heard the voice telling him all these things but had no other choice but to believe it. Hyungwon thought of the way his parents were living a worry-free life now, how they had another child and even used a similar name, filling their life in a way Hyungwon hadn’t been able to. He imagined how Hoseok might have done the same, accepted Hyunwoo’s offer back then and chosen a safer life, the life of fame without him. A life in which Hyungwon would have continued endangering himself and Hoseok would have been safe and might have moved on.

_But you know better, you do._

The thoughts were there, but he still knew that they weren’t true. Hoseok and him were different, there was something about the way they could make each other feel that took away their ability to leave, to move on in the ways that both of them had before.

_That is why you are here, hoping for him to find you._

His cheeks felt wet again and he wiped over them with the short sleeve of his t-shirt this time, watching the fabric turn a darker shade of blue. It reminded him of the palette Hoseok had used before, the various shades of black that had covered the canvas and made him feel. Made him feel just like he felt now.

_But then it wasn’t really your feelings, but now it is. Now it is all yours, like a bucket of paint._

It almost seemed as if he was imagining it, but there were steps. Maybe it was a distant memory, or a security guard had realized that somebody messed with the backdoor and wanted to check, but those steps came closer, gradually, like a clock that was ticking so slowly that the time was about to stand still.

_It feels like the truth that night always brings, the way he showed you._

Hyungwon didn’t look up even though he should have. His eyes remained closed and his head rested on his knees, a mixture of jeans fabric and naked skin brushing over his forehead as he tried to hold his breath and contain a sob that threatened to leave his lips.

“This room feels a lot like I wish I did,” he whispered eventually and hoped to hear a familiar voice reply, the voice that belonged to the only person he wanted to see at that moment.

“Mhm,” the low voice hummed and as so often, the sound contained so much more than any words could ever express. A few more steps and he felt a soft touch on his hair, warmth slowly seeping through the locks and making his skin tingle. “Sometimes I feel the same and at other times I don’t. It changes. I wouldn’t miss you if I was completely empty like that, but somehow I’m glad that I’m not.”

“I guess I’ve never really been empty. You were right.” He chuckled before sniffing once and lifting his head, right hand immediately wiping over his face again. Hoseok had seen him in all kinds of emotional states, but still he felt self-conscious about it. Only the darkness of the empty gallery made it feel bearable, like the moments they shared during the night, sharing truths and kisses. “I- I saw them today.”

Hoseok didn’t ask right away, instead the other man shifted closer, letting him feel his presence stronger and making it feel more real. Warm fingers still stroked over his head, accompanied by words spoken in that calm, low voice that he knew didn’t show the emotional state the person speaking them was in, but still it felt safe somehow. “You did? How did it feel?”

“Terrible,” he murmured before he tried to find better words for it. Terrible was so general and he had felt that way often enough. Seeing Hoseok bleed on the grass was terrible, having to run away and be scared was terrible, moving each time there was a risk of being discovered was terrible. All of these things were terrible but seeing his parents had felt different. “Empty... like I am an empty spot. Like- my existence was erased somehow. The way you can wipe chalk off a blackboard with a sponge that is wet enough.”

“Empty, but not empty enough?” Hoseok chuckled and finally removed his hand from his hair, pulling him into a tender embrace. “I feel like that too at times. Asking myself why I can’t be empty if the only bit that is left is painful. Were you surprised when you saw them? Disappointed? Hurt? You look so devastated. Did they recognize you?”

Hyungwon shook his head, perfectly aware that all of the emotions Hoseok mentioned weren’t the ones he should have been feeling.

_Why do you feel like falling apart instead?_

“They looked so happy,” he whispered before turning towards Hoseok’s chest and burying his nose in the scent he loved so much. “I should have been happy too. Happy for them, happy that leaving was worth it. What the hell is wrong with me?”

“Do you know the difference between a photograph and a painting?” Hoseok asked, reaching for his cheek and wiping away a tear with his thumb that felt a bit rough against his cheek. The artist still didn’t manage to care enough to put cream on his hands.

Hyungwon shook his head without replying properly. It was his attempt to drown in the scent without having to be aware of what was happening around them, outside their minds and outside the empty gallery. The silence had made his thoughts seem so loud before, but now Hoseok’s breaths were the only sound he could hear, regular and pleasant.

_The photograph hurts you but looking at his paintings makes you feel so much more._

“A photograph is reality whereas the painting is the emotions you put into it,” he replied instead, knowing that it wasn’t the answer Hoseok wanted to hear, but his memory told him to say it, to pull out the moment he remembered and feel it all over again.

_Because it made you feel so much._

“Not quite. Maybe it is, but it’s only a piece of a big puzzle, a screenshot, a breath. You can’t conclude anything from that, you can only describe. I don’t think I can judge it well because I’m not familiar with the concept of family, but I guess, you meeting them must’ve been like a photograph. A moment in their lives you were able to witness without seeing or perceiving your personal value or influence on it. A painting on the other hand… I’m wondering what a painting of your parents lives after you left would look like. I guess it would be red, so red, until they slowly try to put a cover on it, but even if it looks done and pretty, the red will come through as soon as you scratch it. If you scratch on a photograph, you’ll get emptiness because there’s just a moment and nothing else.” Hoseok wiped another tear and leaned in, placing a kiss on his forehead, warm and soft.

_Like the deep red below each of his paintings._

Hyungwon thought about it, he thought about the day he observed his parents behind one of the bushes further away from the shore, wondering if they were going to look for him. He remembered each time his parents were devastated because he had gotten lost on one of his explorations. Hoseok was right, Hyungwon had only seen a moment of their lives, a single walk along the beach with a boy who looked so much like him. Hyungwon didn't know more than that, he only knew his own feelings, his own memories and the way seeing his parents happy like that had made him feel.

"Even if it is a cover," he murmured and lifted his head properly to look at Hoseok. "Isn't it too late to pull it off?"

“I know it’s not the time to talk about me, but I’m so scared every time you leave. I keep painting everything red because I feel like if I do, you will come back, like a superstition that means nothing, but somehow helps me to keep myself sane and not go crazy imagining how you get hurt because of me. But still… still I’m… I’m happy that you are next to me. Even if I know that you can get hurt, I still am. He won’t be in jail forever, and I know that you keep sniffing around their business, so I will never feel safe, but do I even want that safety if it doesn’t have you? I don’t. I don’t want anything if it doesn’t have you and they would feel the same if they knew that they could have it.”

_He thinks that they would feel the same?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little as he tried to understand how Hoseok could be so sure despite the anxiety that being next to him involved, despite the constant fear of losing him.

_You feel the same, but still you cannot even imagine not having him next to you anymore. You cannot bear leaving him alone for too long because by being next to him you can keep him safe the most._

It was different with his parents. Hoseok and him only had each other, but they…

"Why do you think they would feel the same? Wouldn't it be like reopening a wound that has healed and turned into a barely visible scar? They… have somebody to make them happy now. A little boy." Hyungwon chuckled but didn't like the way it sounded. "He looks a lot like I did back then."

Hoseok smiled briefly and placed another kiss on his forehead and it felt so comforting. “Why do you think they wouldn’t feel the same? Do you feel like that towards me? Do you only want to be next to me because you don’t have anybody else? To me it feels like- like your sacrifice was too big and like you don’t need to bear it. You were the only one to choose back in the day, like I’ve been the only one choosing to push you away and stay alone because I thought it was better that way, that I was supposed to be alone, that you would leave me anyway… things like that.”

_You’re the only one who made the decision._

“I am with you because I want to be,” he murmured and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck, enjoying how warm it felt against his naked arms. He had missed it so much, every single day and night no matter where he was or what role he had played. “You say that I was the only one to make the decision back then, but isn’t it too late now, Hoseok? Isn’t it only going to hurt them if I return, if suddenly the son they had believed to be dead reappears, not even looking the way he did? We are constantly on the run, Hoseok, why would we- isn’t it too dangerous? Isn’t it… selfish of me? I chose to leave, so how can I suddenly change my mind, make all of that suffering...futile?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. The only thing that I can say is that it’s better to miss somebody who might return. You don’t need to reappear if you don’t want to, but if I think about the way you looked at that photograph or how you stare at the waves when you don’t think that I’m looking. You don’t seem empty and as much as I wish I could give you everything in this world, unfortunately I can’t and the world still has the things you miss and sacrificed.” Cupping his face, Hoseok let his thumbs travel over his cheeks, collecting the liquid and taking it along, easing some of his pain with a single smile. “Why do we let my father who is rotting in jail for a few more years dictate our lives like that? Why is it more important than making a few more memories with the people you love and miss? Just look around. It’s empty, but you can fill it with new paintings, new memories that might last. I just want you to be happy, Hyungwon, because being with you, no matter how anxious it makes me, how much my thoughts and the reality are torturing me, is worth it.”

_A moment of happiness can be worth the pain._

Hyungwon swallowed but this time he didn't try to swallow the feelings in his chest along with it. He let them grow, imagining how they filled out his whole torso and spread throughout his arms, reaching his wrists, then his hands and finally his fingertips. They tingled as if it had really happened, as if Hoseok's words were able to cover the whiteness with colour without having to pour a bucket over him.

_Maybe you can allow a few more memories, a few more colours._

"It is," he whispered and imagined the sensation spilling from his fingertips and wrapping around Hoseok's, connecting them the way a rope might have. "It's worth it."

_You've made so many decisions, but in the end, you can't be sure they were the right ones._

Maybe Hyungwon shouldn't have left, shouldn't have decided to keep his family safe and therefore erase his past and thereby also himself as a person. Maybe things would have been different then, either for better or for worse. He couldn't be sure, but somehow the idea of changing something belatedly excited him, the same way Hoseok's paintings were able to make him feel. The excitement that he loved, a mixture of fear and something else, something he couldn't resist.

_What if you are still able to scratch over the surface and see the beauty underneath?_

"Remember when you told me that I have three questions you will answer truthfully?" he began and lifted his head such that their lips brushed for a second or two before he leaned back to be able to examine Hoseok's dark eyes, seeing that the other man remembered. "I would like to ask my third question now."

“You have an extraordinary memory, don’t you?” The curved mouth spread into a smile as Hoseok nodded briefly.

Hyungwon couldn't contain his own smile as he nodded back and reached for Hoseok's neck, tracing the prominent jugular down to the other man's delicate collarbone. He couldn't resist.

"If there was one thing that you could tell your nineteen-year-old self," he let his fingers travel up to brush a strand behind Hoseok's ear, "what would it be?"

The dark gaze lost focus for a few moments and he knew the expression. It meant that the artist was in thought, searching for something inside his gallery, observing it and trying to find the right words.

“You think you deserve to suffer…” Hoseok whispered and lifted his gaze, focusing on him in the familiar intensity. The distinct way the other man had been looking at him when he wanted to see what the gaze did to him. When Hoseok was genuine and expected the same. “But you might be wrong.”

The end


End file.
